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Save yourself! Kill them all!

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  • NamoAmituofo
    Save yourself! Kill them all! From cats to pigeons and chickens, just keep on culling ... Neil Humphreys: neil@newstoday.com.sg | Humour column
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 13, 2004
      Save yourself! Kill them all!
      From cats to pigeons and chickens, just keep on culling

      Neil Humphreys: neil@... | Humour column

      Singapore: STEPPING out from the void deck and into glorious sunshine one morning, a pigeon flew past and crapped on my best shirt. It was several years ago, when I was a semi-smart teacher who wore a shirt and tie to the office. On this occasion, I wore a shirt and tie decorated in pigeon crap to the bus stop. There, a couple of ever-so observant teenagers informed me of my latest fashion accessory by saying: "Hey, got bird shit ah?" My mother always said it was lucky. In the London borough where we once lived, there was a bandstand in the town centre that was home to a flock of pigeons, suffering from incurable diarrhoea. The town council, in a rare moment of assertiveness, declared its plans to make the bandstand a pigeon-free zone by shooting them.

      "What's the problem?" my mother asked. "It's good luck if a pigeon drops one on you."
      "You always said stepping in dog's poop was lucky."
      "Ah, that's lucky, too."
      "Surely people just say that because a pigeon has crapped down the side of your face and they want to cheer you up a bit?"
      "Shut up."

      The town council never culled the pigeons.

      In England, municipal bureaucracy works slower than two giant tortoises mating. It needs the cold, ruthless efficiency demonstrated by a Singaporean town council last week. Apparently, residents were concerned when they discovered 40 dead birds along Hougang Avenue 1. However, they were pleased to learn that the pigeons had been killed not by bird flu, but by the Aljunied Town Council! You've got to be damn quick in this town if you want to kill something. From now on, in the interests of fair play, animal killers are gong to have to form an orderly queue. It seems a culling gang raced to Hougang only to find their services were not required. Confused, one of the cullers asked his colleague: "If pigeon die already, we sure die die one, then how?"

      "Aiyoh, shoot again lor."
      "Wha'? Dead pigeon must die again ah?"

      Well, it's better to be safe than sorry. To ward off bird flu (even though, thankfully, there has not been a single case reported here yet), the cullers have progressed from pigeons to chickens. After rereading George Orwell's Animal Farm, they marched over to Pulau Ubin clucking: "Two legs good, two scrawny, pink legs bad." And
      removed just about everything with a wing.

      Next Wednesday, 5,000 chickens will be wrapped in plastic bags and gassed with carbon dioxide, just to give the authorities a bit of culling practice. Apparently, the chickens are "retired", which means they no longer lay eggs and sit around void decks playing Chinese checkers. I'm all for saving the planet, but we could end up being
      the only species left in it.

      We're even going after our fellow primates now. There have been several complaints that monkey gangs, wearing bandanas and gang colours, are mugging us poor, defenceless humans of our tit-bits in MacRitchie Reservoir. The Agri-Food Veterinary Authority of Singapore has been asked to step in, but those guys have enough to do culling birds, and then culling them again. I know the area in MacRitchie where the monkeys hang out. I've seen them discuss mugging tactics.

      "Listen up Ah Meng," the leader says. "Family coming. Got Pringles. Damn shiok.
      "Okay, got plan already. I go behind and screech. You go in front, show teeth and wiggle pink backside. Can?"

      If you want to avoid the monkey mafia, read the signs and don't bloody feed them. But those instructions may be a tad complex for some, so the alternative will be to call in the Animal Vanquished Association. They intend to issue a press release soon that says: "We will kill every monkey, pigeon, crow, cat, pig and chicken (all 2.1 million of them, we say with real civic pride), if they pose any threat whatsoever.

      "Some of these health concerns are man-made, but who cares? These animals will just have to bite the bullet.
      "Incidentally, we may not have enough bullets. So, we'll improvise.
      "We will feed the birds to the cats, the cats to the pigs and we will just shoot the pigs.
      "The monkeys will be redeployed as civil servants.
      "By the way, we're getting really tired of the pink dolphins and the whole 'are they wild or captive' nonsense. So, they could be next."

      Who are these people? I don't know and, to be honest, I don't care. But I hear the pigeons have them in their sights.

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