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FIC: Birds, Bees, and Wolverines (PG-13, silly fic)

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  • Starwoman 007
    Birds, Bees, and Wolverines By Shade Disclaimer: All characters within this piece belong to Marvel Entertainment Group and 20th Century Fox. No profit is
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 30, 2000
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      Birds, Bees, and Wolverines
      By Shade

      Disclaimer: All characters within this piece belong to Marvel Entertainment
      Group and 20th Century Fox. No profit is being made from this work. Woe is

      Rating: PG-13 for language.

      Characters: Movieverse Logan, Scott, and those rowdy boys.

      Summary: Scott gets some revenge on Logan, and the Xavier's school boys get
      an education.

      Feedback: Yes, please! It's what got me off my butt to write this, so say
      you like it, if you want some more kiddies.

      Archive: The "official" pages listed below, ShadowWing's lovely site, and my
      dear Alykat's (un)frozen (or anywhere else she wants to stick them!) if she
      wants it. If I've missed anyone that has the other stories, go ahead and
      take it. Anyone else, please just email me the address where it shall

      Notes: Big thank you too Caren for the beta and Logan's comment in the first
      paragraph! Funny stuff! Sequel to "Man's Worst Fear" and "Stephen King Had
      It Right" both of which can be read at the X-Men Movieverse page, X-Men
      Movie Fanfiction Site, and several other wonderful places. If you can't
      find them, please email me and I'll send them to you myself. You don't
      particularly need to read either to understand this story.

      He stepped into the main hall while plucking leaves from his hair. He'd
      spent the morning exploring the school's wooded areas with utter
      contentment. Logan had to admit it, he was a nature nut, but he was nothing
      like those tree hugging Eco-hippies that always got on his nerves. Instead,
      he respected nature enough not to look like a fool trying to protect it.
      Logan doubted that Mother Earth liked those idiots chaining themselves to
      trees and such. He smiled as an image of his burly arms wrapped around a
      tree filled his mind. "I've never been that desperate for a date," he
      thought. Basically, he was in a good mood. This was a rare thing.

      "Logan! There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

      It was a new record. His good mood had lasted all of thirteen seconds
      inside the school's walls. Logan sighed the sigh of the extremely put upon
      and turned to look at Scott Summers.

      "What?" he practically snarled. He nearly growled again when pretty boy
      just smiled at his greeting.

      "You know how the Professor was asking you to help out more around here?
      You understand how few adults we have considering the growing numbers of
      students . . ."

      "Just spit it out, Cyke. What do you want?"

      Scott frowned his "grumpy frown," as Jean called it, and explained. "All
      right. Listen, I screwed up. I'm sure you'll appreciate hearing that.
      Anyway, I've double booked my class load by accident and I can't get anyone
      else to cover it."

      "I ain't exactly no schoolmarm."

      "I know, I know. It's just that there's no one else. I figured I'd take
      the hard class, Algebra, and you could take the easier one. It's common
      sense stuff. The lesson plan is on the desk. All you have to do is follow
      it. Heck, the kids will probably know more about it than you will. It'll
      be easy."

      "Heck?" Logan wondered. Who used that word anymore? He was about to ask
      exactly what "easy" subject it was when Scott interrupted him before he
      could start.

      "It's the second lecture hall on the right. We'd both better hurry or
      we'll be late. The guys have probably ripped apart the room by now." Logan
      watched the young man trot off in the other direction. "Good luck!" Scott
      said over his shoulder.

      He seriously contemplated going right back out the front door, but he knew
      that Jean and Storm would never let him hear the end of it, not to mention
      the Professor. Logan sighed again and headed in the direction Scott had
      pointed out. He could hear the raised male voices long before he got to the
      door. Actually, with his hearing, he could probably have heard them

      True to the name Wolverine, Logan slammed open the door and entered the
      room as if it was his territory. The shocked faces of the room full of
      teenaged boys amused him greatly, but he didn't let it show. The light
      haired boy that always hung around Rogue was standing on his desk. He
      immediately sat down, as did the rest of the kids. They looked somewhat
      confused. Rogue's friend (what was his name?) looked over at the fire kid
      with a question in his eyes. The bright blonde boy shrugged his answer

      Logan cleared his throat. He didn't have to seeing as the room was already
      dead silent, but it seemed like the thing to do.

      "Mr. Summers has another class, so I'm gonna have to teach this lesson
      today. I don't expect any problems. You got that?"

      Silence was all he heard. Logan nodded. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad
      afterall. He picked up a piece of paper that was in the middle of the desk.
      It listed names. The attendance sheet he reckoned.

      "Say somthin' if I call yer name. John Allerdyce."


      "Robert Drake."

      "Here, and it's Bobby."

      "Yer mother must be proud. Samuel Guthrie."

      "Here, suh."

      "Remy LeBeau."


      "Peter Rasputin."


      "Julio Richter."


      "Just the six of ya?"

      Samuel Guthrie looked up. "We was the only ones old enough, Mr. Summers'
      said so."

      "Old enough for what?"

      Bobby, Rogue's friend, smiled. "You mean you don't know what this class

      Logan picked up the lesson plan and looked down at the book lying
      underneath it. The title "How to Teach Sexual Education to Teens" stared
      back at him. Suddenly, his eyes seemed hazy. His jaw clenched tightly.

      "Excuse me for a second, boys," Logan said and bolted for the door. He
      sprinted down the hall in the direction Scott Summers had headed, but half
      way down the hall he stopped abruptly. Pretty Boy's scent double backed on
      itself. Logan turned around toward the main entrance. The scent lead out
      the front door.

      He yanked open the double oak doors only to see Summers' suped up bike go
      screeching out of the driveway. Logan only caught a hint of the man's smile
      as he tore off school grounds. He heard the faint crumple of paper as he
      clenched his fist. Logan brought the lesson plan up to his face and read
      the small note in Scott's handwriting at the top.

      It read: "Payback's a bitch. Have fun. -S"

      Logan growled and turned back towards the classroom. If that's the way he
      wanted it, then that's the way it would be. The boys were all murmuring
      much quieter than they had been before. Logan stomped back into the
      classroom and sat down behind the desk. He had to think about this. There
      had to be a way to get Summers back.

      "Let me guess. Mr. Summers dropped this in your lap and you had no idea,"
      Bobby said finally. Logan looked up and shot the boy a dirty look. It
      didn't stop him. "I say we make the best of it."

      "And how do you suppose we do that, Robert?"

      "We've all had biology, and I know I'm not the only guy here that already
      has the gist of it, so to speak. What we really don't know is all the good
      stuff that adults won't tell us. We lack experience."

      Allerdyce piped up, "Speak for yourself, snowflake."

      "Give it a rest John. Now I know that you aren't to thrilled with us,"
      Bobby said turning back to Logan, "but you seem like the kind of guy who'd
      tell it like it is. So *tell* us."

      Logan stroked his bristly chin and thought about it. "All right. What do
      ya wanna know?"

      The wave of boys flooding toward the desk almost overwhelmed him. They all
      were speaking at once and a few had some pretty interesting vocabularies.

      "Whoa! Whoa! One at a time, and watch your mouth Allerdyce!"

      Bobby sat down on the corner of the desk and leaned in. "Well the first
      question would be how do you get them to want to? Or how do you know when
      they want to?"

      Logan smiled. This was going to be fun.


      He sat on his bed reading a book on the Civil War when his bedroom door
      burst open. Logan quietly laid the book on his chest and looked up at a
      fuming Scott Summers.

      "Can I help you, Cyke?"

      "All the girls are complaining about the boys smacking them on the butt.
      John is in the infirmary with a black eye from Monet. Remy tried to French
      kiss Jean. I caught Bobby in his room with a stack of Playboys, and when I
      asked him what he thought he was doing he told me it was homework. What the
      HELL did you teach those boys?"

      "I don't know what you're talking about, Cyke. What boys?"

      "You know damn well what boys! The boys from the Sex Ed class!"

      "What are you talking about? You teach the Sex Ed class."

      "No! I let you teach it."

      "Have you had an accident? You know, you should wear your helmet on that
      bike. You don't heal like I do."

      "What are you talking about?"

      Logan smiled. "I'm talking about your memory problems. You teach Sex Ed
      not me. Just ask Jean, or Storm, or the Professor."

      He watched Scott's mouth open and then close. If it weren't for the red
      glasses, Logan was sure he would have seen the light dawning in those eyes.

      "You set me up."

      Logan smiled again. "Someone once told me, paybacks a bitch."

      With that, he shoved Scott out the door and closed it in his face. The
      record had been smashed. He was in a good mood and he was pretty sure it
      would last all day.

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