FIC: Birds, Bees, and Wolverines (PG-13, silly fic)
- Birds, Bees, and Wolverines
Disclaimer: All characters within this piece belong to Marvel Entertainment
Group and 20th Century Fox. No profit is being made from this work. Woe is
Rating: PG-13 for language.
Characters: Movieverse Logan, Scott, and those rowdy boys.
Summary: Scott gets some revenge on Logan, and the Xavier's school boys get
Feedback: Yes, please! It's what got me off my butt to write this, so say
you like it, if you want some more kiddies.
Archive: The "official" pages listed below, ShadowWing's lovely site, and my
dear Alykat's (un)frozen (or anywhere else she wants to stick them!) if she
wants it. If I've missed anyone that has the other stories, go ahead and
take it. Anyone else, please just email me the address where it shall
Notes: Big thank you too Caren for the beta and Logan's comment in the first
paragraph! Funny stuff! Sequel to "Man's Worst Fear" and "Stephen King Had
It Right" both of which can be read at the X-Men Movieverse page, X-Men
Movie Fanfiction Site, and several other wonderful places. If you can't
find them, please email me and I'll send them to you myself. You don't
particularly need to read either to understand this story.
He stepped into the main hall while plucking leaves from his hair. He'd
spent the morning exploring the school's wooded areas with utter
contentment. Logan had to admit it, he was a nature nut, but he was nothing
like those tree hugging Eco-hippies that always got on his nerves. Instead,
he respected nature enough not to look like a fool trying to protect it.
Logan doubted that Mother Earth liked those idiots chaining themselves to
trees and such. He smiled as an image of his burly arms wrapped around a
tree filled his mind. "I've never been that desperate for a date," he
thought. Basically, he was in a good mood. This was a rare thing.
"Logan! There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"
It was a new record. His good mood had lasted all of thirteen seconds
inside the school's walls. Logan sighed the sigh of the extremely put upon
and turned to look at Scott Summers.
"What?" he practically snarled. He nearly growled again when pretty boy
just smiled at his greeting.
"You know how the Professor was asking you to help out more around here?
You understand how few adults we have considering the growing numbers of
students . . ."
"Just spit it out, Cyke. What do you want?"
Scott frowned his "grumpy frown," as Jean called it, and explained. "All
right. Listen, I screwed up. I'm sure you'll appreciate hearing that.
Anyway, I've double booked my class load by accident and I can't get anyone
else to cover it."
"I ain't exactly no schoolmarm."
"I know, I know. It's just that there's no one else. I figured I'd take
the hard class, Algebra, and you could take the easier one. It's common
sense stuff. The lesson plan is on the desk. All you have to do is follow
it. Heck, the kids will probably know more about it than you will. It'll
"Heck?" Logan wondered. Who used that word anymore? He was about to ask
exactly what "easy" subject it was when Scott interrupted him before he
"It's the second lecture hall on the right. We'd both better hurry or
we'll be late. The guys have probably ripped apart the room by now." Logan
watched the young man trot off in the other direction. "Good luck!" Scott
said over his shoulder.
He seriously contemplated going right back out the front door, but he knew
that Jean and Storm would never let him hear the end of it, not to mention
the Professor. Logan sighed again and headed in the direction Scott had
pointed out. He could hear the raised male voices long before he got to the
door. Actually, with his hearing, he could probably have heard them
True to the name Wolverine, Logan slammed open the door and entered the
room as if it was his territory. The shocked faces of the room full of
teenaged boys amused him greatly, but he didn't let it show. The light
haired boy that always hung around Rogue was standing on his desk. He
immediately sat down, as did the rest of the kids. They looked somewhat
confused. Rogue's friend (what was his name?) looked over at the fire kid
with a question in his eyes. The bright blonde boy shrugged his answer
Logan cleared his throat. He didn't have to seeing as the room was already
dead silent, but it seemed like the thing to do.
"Mr. Summers has another class, so I'm gonna have to teach this lesson
today. I don't expect any problems. You got that?"
Silence was all he heard. Logan nodded. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad
afterall. He picked up a piece of paper that was in the middle of the desk.
It listed names. The attendance sheet he reckoned.
"Say somthin' if I call yer name. John Allerdyce."
"Here, and it's Bobby."
"Yer mother must be proud. Samuel Guthrie."
"Just the six of ya?"
Samuel Guthrie looked up. "We was the only ones old enough, Mr. Summers'
"Old enough for what?"
Bobby, Rogue's friend, smiled. "You mean you don't know what this class
Logan picked up the lesson plan and looked down at the book lying
underneath it. The title "How to Teach Sexual Education to Teens" stared
back at him. Suddenly, his eyes seemed hazy. His jaw clenched tightly.
"Excuse me for a second, boys," Logan said and bolted for the door. He
sprinted down the hall in the direction Scott Summers had headed, but half
way down the hall he stopped abruptly. Pretty Boy's scent double backed on
itself. Logan turned around toward the main entrance. The scent lead out
the front door.
He yanked open the double oak doors only to see Summers' suped up bike go
screeching out of the driveway. Logan only caught a hint of the man's smile
as he tore off school grounds. He heard the faint crumple of paper as he
clenched his fist. Logan brought the lesson plan up to his face and read
the small note in Scott's handwriting at the top.
It read: "Payback's a bitch. Have fun. -S"
Logan growled and turned back towards the classroom. If that's the way he
wanted it, then that's the way it would be. The boys were all murmuring
much quieter than they had been before. Logan stomped back into the
classroom and sat down behind the desk. He had to think about this. There
had to be a way to get Summers back.
"Let me guess. Mr. Summers dropped this in your lap and you had no idea,"
Bobby said finally. Logan looked up and shot the boy a dirty look. It
didn't stop him. "I say we make the best of it."
"And how do you suppose we do that, Robert?"
"We've all had biology, and I know I'm not the only guy here that already
has the gist of it, so to speak. What we really don't know is all the good
stuff that adults won't tell us. We lack experience."
Allerdyce piped up, "Speak for yourself, snowflake."
"Give it a rest John. Now I know that you aren't to thrilled with us,"
Bobby said turning back to Logan, "but you seem like the kind of guy who'd
tell it like it is. So *tell* us."
Logan stroked his bristly chin and thought about it. "All right. What do
ya wanna know?"
The wave of boys flooding toward the desk almost overwhelmed him. They all
were speaking at once and a few had some pretty interesting vocabularies.
"Whoa! Whoa! One at a time, and watch your mouth Allerdyce!"
Bobby sat down on the corner of the desk and leaned in. "Well the first
question would be how do you get them to want to? Or how do you know when
they want to?"
Logan smiled. This was going to be fun.
He sat on his bed reading a book on the Civil War when his bedroom door
burst open. Logan quietly laid the book on his chest and looked up at a
fuming Scott Summers.
"Can I help you, Cyke?"
"All the girls are complaining about the boys smacking them on the butt.
John is in the infirmary with a black eye from Monet. Remy tried to French
kiss Jean. I caught Bobby in his room with a stack of Playboys, and when I
asked him what he thought he was doing he told me it was homework. What the
HELL did you teach those boys?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Cyke. What boys?"
"You know damn well what boys! The boys from the Sex Ed class!"
"What are you talking about? You teach the Sex Ed class."
"No! I let you teach it."
"Have you had an accident? You know, you should wear your helmet on that
bike. You don't heal like I do."
"What are you talking about?"
Logan smiled. "I'm talking about your memory problems. You teach Sex Ed
not me. Just ask Jean, or Storm, or the Professor."
He watched Scott's mouth open and then close. If it weren't for the red
glasses, Logan was sure he would have seen the light dawning in those eyes.
"You set me up."
Logan smiled again. "Someone once told me, paybacks a bitch."
With that, he shoved Scott out the door and closed it in his face. The
record had been smashed. He was in a good mood and he was pretty sure it
would last all day.
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