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FIC: Faults That Are Not (Summers in a Sea of Glory, 7/10)

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  • Mo
    This was turning out to be one big, fucking mess. Mostly a mess I’d made, too. Not that I wanted to think about that part. It was true, though, and I found
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 11, 2006
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      This was turning out to be one big, fucking mess.
      Mostly a mess I’d made, too. Not that I wanted to
      think about that part. It was true, though, and I
      found I kept thinking about it, even though I tried
      not to. So maybe it was time to stop trying not to
      think about this mess, which was just getting bigger
      and messier with not thinking about it. Maybe it was
      time to try and figure out what to do about it.

      First part to figuring out what to do about it was
      being honest – at least with myself – that it was my
      own doing. I’d been trying my best to blame Scott.
      For getting mixed up with Northstar and lying to me
      about it. For not breaking it off with Jean, not
      completely. And for talking all that warrior lovers
      stuff and giving me ideas about shit that has nothing
      to do with the real world. It was all a pack of lies
      and I fell for it – the love shit, the story about
      what he wasn’t doing with Northstar, the shit about
      how he broke up with Jeannie, telling her it was over
      for good – all of it. Hook, line and sinker. So I
      felt like a real jerk when I found out it was just
      lies.

      Only maybe it wasn’t lies. I mean, I thought it was a
      pack of lies and that’s when I got so mad at him. But
      then I found out some of it was true, so I don’t know
      about the rest. It turned out he did break up with
      Jeannie, after all. I hadn’t believed him, since he
      wouldn’t tell her about him and me, but then I found
      out he told me the truth. The truth about what he had
      said and what he hadn’t. Hadn’t told her about him
      and me, but then there wasn’t any him and me anymore
      now so what have I got to be mad at about that? And
      he did tell her it was over, told her as clear as can
      be, just like he’d said he’d done. So how am I
      supposed to stay mad at him for lying and saying he’d
      told her? Mad about it now I found out he’d been
      telling me the truth the whole time? Not that the
      truth was helping any. Well, it helped make this mess
      but that’s my fault more than Scott’s.

      If he hadn’t told her it was over between him and her,
      that they were finished and done for good, then none
      of the rest of this would have happened. She wouldn’t
      have come to me, looking for sympathy, telling me the
      whole sad story of how she’d fallen in love with Scott
      years ago, knowing he was gay but thinking he’d get
      over it. Not knowing I already knew all about it,
      knew it from Scott, who’d told me when he thought she
      was dead. Scott, who’d told me he’d never go back to
      living like that. Scott, who likes dick and knows it.
      Scott, who told Jean no when she wanted to get back
      together, when he thought she was an imposter, who
      told me true he wasn’t in love with her anymore even
      if she could come back for real. Scott, who wouldn’t
      do it with her when the Phoenix tried to seduce him
      through Jean. I did it with her that one time, but he
      didn’t. I said yes when he said no.

      I didn’t tell Jean any of that and she didn’t know
      what I knew. I don’t think she even knew I fucked her
      when she was under Phoenix control – she can’t
      remember nothing from then. I didn’t tell her
      anything. But she told me. She told me that she’d
      hoped he’d stop being gay, that loving her would turn
      him. Only now she knew it wasn’t going to happen like
      that because he’d told her it was over. She said he
      told her he’d always want to be her friend, but he
      just couldn’t love a woman, not the way she needed to
      be loved. She said he hadn’t said anything about
      anyone else, but she thought he was doing it with some
      guy now. I didn’t tell her I’d been the one. If
      there’d only been one, which I wasn’t so sure about.

      Well, I wasn’t the one, or even one of them, not
      anymore. I hadn’t fucked him, hadn’t so much as
      touched him since that day I found him with Northstar.


      I still wanted him, not that I’d tell him that.
      Wanted him so much I couldn’t stand it sometimes.
      Jerked off thinking about him almost every night,
      remembering stuff we’d done. Hand round my cock, I’d
      think of being in his mouth, or his ass. Think about
      stroking him, too. Thinking of the way he says my
      name when he’s coming. Shit, I can get hard just from
      remembering the sound of his voice.

      I was getting distracted when him and me were working
      together, too. I found myself looking at his mouth
      when he was talking in a meeting, and thinking about
      pushing my tongue in between those lips, or my cock.
      Hard to concentrate on team business. When I was
      supposed to be covering his back on a mission, I found
      myself watching his ass, instead.

      When me and Scott were together this didn’t used to
      happen to me – when we were working, we were working.
      After the mission we’d fuck each other’s brains out,
      but I didn’t even think about sex when it was X-Men
      business. Now I was thinking about it all the time.
      Sex with Scott and only Scott. Pissed me off, too,
      how much I thought about him, how I couldn’t manage to
      think about anybody else. I’d put my hand round my
      cock, close my eyes, think of some woman with big tits
      and tight, round ass, but she’d turn into him in my
      head by the time I was half-hard. I’d go out and
      wander a bit, think about picking somebody up – man or
      woman – but I never did. I was horny almost all the
      time, thinking about doing it day and night, but I
      couldn’t get myself to do it with anyone else. I had
      it bad alright.

      There were times – late at night, particularly – when
      I wanted to just go to him, tell him I’m sorry, see if
      it could be like it used to be with him and me. I’d
      feel like I’d give anything for the chance to feel him
      under me again, to be pushing hard in his ass, hearing
      those moans and sighs and soft words coming out of his
      mouth while I fucked him. And then I’d think of
      walking in on him and Jean-Paul that time and I’d
      change my mind about going to him.

      Yeah, Scott and Jean-Paul. That was some sight to
      see, coming into Scott’s room. I’d been horny as hell
      and hoping he was feeling the same. And what do I
      find? Northstar and Scott together. Northstar with
      his clothes off, or at least no shirt. Scott fingering
      his nipple ring. I know what those fingers feel like.
      Pretty obvious Jean-Paul liked what he was doing to
      him.

      Well, there was something I could still be mad at him
      for. Or could I? All those times I told him it
      didn’t matter to me what he did, he could do it with
      whoever he wanted. Well, if it didn’t matter, then
      why did I feel like killing somebody when I saw them
      together? It was all I could do to keep the claws in.
      I don’t even know which of them I’d have killed,
      neither. Maybe both.

      I was mad as hell at Scott for cheating on me, and
      fucking *furious* at Northstar for moving in on him
      like that. Okay, so I’m not sure Scott was cheating,
      but there was no doubt that was what Jean-Paul was
      doing. He was trying. For all that Scott said he was
      just showing him the transmitter, I know he wanted in
      Scott’s pants. I can smell lust and Northstar reeked
      of it. Every time he was anywhere near Scott.

      I’d known that from the start. Only back then I
      didn’t care. It was back when Jean was possessed and
      we thought she was an imposter. That’s when I was
      first working with Jean-Paul and when I first realized
      what he wanted. Who cared if Northstar wanted Scott?
      I knew whose dick Scott was sucking every night.
      Mine, not that other guy’s. Let Northstar want,
      that’s what I thought. What do I care? He can want
      but I’ve got. That’s how I looked at it then. I
      wasn’t even mad at Jean-Paul. Not then. If anything,
      I felt sorry for him. It’s no picnic wanting someone
      you can’t have. I’ve been there.

      So what changed? Jean changed from being the Phoenix,
      but what did that have to do with Northstar? I didn’t
      know but I thought I should figure it out. It made my
      head hurt to think about it, but I thought about it
      anyway. Fuck, if I’m going to be mad all the time, I
      should at least know why. Okay, so when Jeannie got
      back to being herself, well it just changed everything
      for me and Scott. I saw how she looked at him; I heard
      her tell him “As long as I’ve got you I’ll be okay”
      and it got me wondering and thinking. And then when
      he wouldn’t tell her the real deal about him and me,
      well I was wondering some more. Wondering if there’s
      anything with her and him. Only there isn’t and I
      know that now.

      And Northstar? Was Scott really cheating on me with
      him? No. I don’t know if he was doing it with him or
      not, but if he was, he still wasn’t cheating. Hey, if
      we got no claim on each other, it ain’t cheating, and
      that’s what I kept telling him. I wish I could
      believe it myself, though. But anyway, it’s what I’d
      been saying.

      And since it is what I’d been saying, Scott had no
      cause to lie to me. If he was doing it with Northstar
      or anybody else, he could’ve just thrown my own words
      back at me. He’s never lied to me yet, Scott, not so
      far as I know. And if I’m honest with myself, I have
      to say I really would know. He’s not the type to play
      one against the other. He couldn’t do it. He’d told
      me the truth about Jean, told me they’d broke up for
      good. He was telling me the truth about Northstar,
      too. I knew it, if I really thought about it.

      So what the fuck was I so mad about? And what the
      fuck was I doing with Jeannie? I like Jeannie. I
      used to think I wanted to fuck her, but it’s not like
      that for me anymore. Not since Scott and me, not
      since she’d come back. I’d done it that one time with
      her when the Phoenix had charge of her – curiosity
      mostly. That turned out to be a big mistake. So why
      was I making the same mistake again, now that she was
      back to being herself?

      Partly from being mad at Scott, I guess. Partly from
      wanting to know what was going on with her and him –
      which turned out to be nothing, like I said. But
      mostly it just kind of happened.

      There she was telling me her troubles and I was trying
      to be sympathetic and listen. I didn’t tell her about
      Scott and me ‘cause I figured it wasn’t my story to
      tell. Plus by that point there wasn’t any Scott and
      me anymore, so what was there to say? But I was
      listening to how betrayed she felt, and thinking that
      it’s too bad she’s so sad, but it also means Scott
      told me the truth.

      So I’m feeling a little bad that I thought he was
      lying and a little good to know that he wasn’t and
      that he told her no fucking way he’d ever get back
      together with her. And then she’s saying that she
      really does know it’s for the best, and that she needs
      to be with a woman-loving man, someone who can really
      want her and need her, and that it had been a mistake
      to get involved with Scott from the start. “He was
      such a good guy, I lost perspective,” she told me.

      So I didn’t know what to say and I just said, “There’s
      lots of good guys out there. Lots would be glad to be
      with a woman like you.”

      And then she’s reminding me how I told her once I
      could be a good guy for her. And she’s talking about
      how happy she’s been to see me on the team and
      teaching and really settling in to be an X-Man. “How
      long have you been here now, Logan?” she asked. “More
      than two years, isn’t it?” So I tell her that’s right
      and she asks me if I ever stayed any one place that
      long.

      “Nah. Well, not that I can remember. I’ve still got
      these holes in my memory, but everything I do know
      about is just moving from place to place. It felt
      really weird to be here at first. I kept thinking I’d
      leave any day.”

      “Why didn’t you?”

      “I don’t know. First I think it was just not having
      anywhere particular to go to yet. Then, after the
      shit hit the fan and we thought we’d lost you, well I
      thought I could kind of help pick up the pieces around
      here for a while.”

      “That was kind of a good guy thing to do, don’t you
      think?”

      I shrugged. “Then lately I started feeling like I
      wanted to stay, wanted to be part of this.”

      “Do you have...feelings for anyone, Logan? Feelings
      that make you want to stay here?”

      I was gonna tell her right then. I should’ve told
      her. If things weren’t so fucked between me and
      Scott, I would’ve. But between feeling too mad at him
      to talk about any feelings I had for him other than
      wanting to kick his ass and feeling like deep down
      maybe I did want to get back with him like it used to
      be and worrying that he wouldn’t want me talking to
      Jean about him and me anyway, I didn’t know what to
      say. So I just nodded and didn’t say anything. Then
      before I knew it she was kissing me. It caught me by
      surprise. It just happened. Without thinking about
      it, I was kissing her back.

      So it looks like Scott was never lying to me after
      all. He wasn’t cheating on me because there was
      nothing to cheat about. He wasn’t doing it with
      Jeannie. He wasn’t doing it with Northstar. He said
      he still wants me and I think he meant it. Maybe he
      even meant it about loving me. I know I want to fuck
      him so bad I can hardly stand it. And I want to be
      with him, want to be his friend. And yeah, his
      lover. But this mess with Jeannie makes that pretty
      much out of the question. And the worst part is that
      the whole fucking thing is my own damn fault.




      Mo
      Mofic Website: http://mo.fandomnation.com/fic/
      www.livejournal.com/users/mofic

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