I can still feel them inside my head, Prologue
- _"I can still feel him inside my head."_
Once again, she couldn't sleep. It always happened, the
night engulfed the mansion, lights were out by ten, and she lay in
bed staring at the ceiling, trying to think. Of course, whether it
was Logan, John, Eric, Paul or Bobby, she was never able to sort her
The moonlight filtrated cautiously into the room, afraid to
wake the other occupants. Rogue watched the shadows play with the
moonlight, trying to figure out why. But the reason never came. She
felt lonely, even with all the voices in her head she was lonely.
Logan kept thinking to take another road trip, looking for a
bar to spend the night. Eric always had different memories about
Poland to share, and in any case, it only enabled for Rogue to
believe that he was starting to develop and understand his powers
during the stay there. Paul, her dear friend, the only one with
happy thoughts, but mostly of the ones she wanted the most to go
away, how beautiful her lips and eyes looked, how he'd yearned to
kiss them, how impossible her trip to Canada seemed. John, something
was pissing him off, no matter what, mostly a general envy for Bobby
and everyone that he knew. Bobby, he was always confused about her,
whether it was good or not for them to be together, he loved her but
he yearned for her to much.
All of this was too much to cope. Clutching her pillow
tight, she still had the sentiments inside of her; she knew that she
was all alone in the world. No matter how much the people around her
tried to convince her that she belonged here, and she tried to think
that there is a place were she is meant to belong, be it here or not
she'd find it eventually.
"Best day of my life " she whispered slowly, trying to
believe that she'd had worse or that tomorrow could be worse. But
she never was able to really believe it. I'm for real, this mutation
is a part of me, I walk around like a parasite, unable to reach for
anyone since I take too much of them for myself.
A lonely tear streamed to the side of her eye. She yearned
for it all: closeness, a mind of her own, normal life, touch... But
it is all impossible.
Ororo said it to her in the first day, there was nothing
that could hold back her curse; the school is for control But
there is no way of controlling it. Touch is natural to all beings; touch is an interaction between all beings. Touch she yearned it so
Paul died, she knew it, no one ever told her, but when his
thoughts stopped changing she knew, the coma could only last for so
long before it consumed him. Eric greatly wished for power, that's
all he wanted, "There is no land of tolerance, there is no peace,
not here nor anywhere else", he'd said that to her in New York, it
somehow didn't feel so long ago, but it was, five years ago.
Bobby feared her, distrusted her, believed to be vulnerable
These thoughts corrupted her mind, made her self-esteem drop, she
was sulky during class, constantly ate less and less Logan had
promised he'd look after her, and on the contrary she watched over
his dog tags, touching them at all times dangling on her
neck. "There's not many people that'll understand what your going
through," he said that to her when she was running again, she stayed
behind, but then again, probably not even him has understood what
she is going through, he is even more crazy than her, and troubled.
And John, dear John, he everyday talked about him wanting to be
close to her, which only depressed her more, he was not here
anymore, and she was not with Bobby now, they broke up barely a week
after he left. If he were her she still couldn't touch him, but in a
way, they both were similar. His family had countered him when his
mutation surfaced, he burned down their house. Many wounds, he
didn't wait for them to heal before leaving.
They all controlled her emotions, and pulled her in opposite
directions; she wasn't who she used to be. She's no longer Marie.
She became Rogue, the person that lures everyone, entrapping them
inside her head. Keeps them in her head. It was crowded, the amount
if "I" in her mind was overwhelming, during the day when she looked
at someone each one had a different reaction, eventually she stopped
looking at people. Whenever Kitty, Xavier or Scott cornered her to
talk, it wasn't her speaking. The word 'Bub' came out of her mouth,
but it didn't feel right, or the Dude from John.
The pillow in her arms, still clutched on top of her chest,
made her take the pain from her mind to her hands, which were
starting to lose the capacity of circulation due to the strength
that she unforced between them, the pillow became unmovable. She
felt alone. No matter what, she'd always be alone. Because if she
ever got close to anyone else, the process would repeat, she'd lure
them and after the first touch they'd fade away. Paul died, John
left within hours, Eric was in prison and after in a secret place,
Bobby finished their relationship and rarely talked to her, Logan
kept trying to find himself, which included long absences.
She herself was becoming more and more introverted, autistic
at some point, people around her she couldn't know what they
thought, not only because they didn't dare to mention it and because
she wouldn't dare touch them to find out, It would just increase the
crowd in her head.
Rogue laid in the heart of darkness, with a clutched pillow
on her chest and thoughts that were not hers taking over, the
loneliness was becoming ritual and tradition. There wasn't anything
much besides reclusion left for her.