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FIC: When It Alteration Finds (Unexpected Occurrences 9/12)

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  • Mo
    When It Alteration Finds (Unexpected Occurrences 9/12) I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I had to do something. It was obvious we were both feeling
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 15, 2004
      When It Alteration Finds (Unexpected Occurrences 9/12)

      I didn�t know what to do. I felt like I had to do
      something. It was obvious we were both feeling
      awkward, maybe Adam even more so than me. And it was
      my fault. Well, not fault, really. But it was
      because of me that we were in this position, because
      of what happened to me that we were feeling like this.
      Not like lovers of longstanding, who knew each other�s
      bodies and minds. Like strangers. Uncomfortable
      strangers, at that.

      It wasn�t like that at first. It had been fine, as
      good as it could be. I�d been so scared to tell him,
      but he made me feel like I needn�t have worried. His
      reaction was everything I�d want in a lover and a
      friend. He had sat down on the bed next to me after I
      told him. He�d held me and kissed me and told me he
      knew I�d be okay. That all was good. I felt loved,
      supported, reassured. He�d talked about how unlikely
      it was that I had been infected with just one
      exposure, but he also said he�d stand by me whatever
      happened. He asked about the drugs I was taking � how
      long, what side effects, was there anything he could
      do to help. We talked about Walter and he was as
      perplexed as I that he never told me he was HIV+.

      �How do you think he got it?� he�d asked.

      �I don�t know!�

      �Does Mac know?�

      I shook my head �Either he doesn�t know or he isn�t

      �Do you think Walter was a closet case?�

      I shook my head. �I may not have the best gaydar, but
      if my best friend were gay, I think I�d know it.
      Don�t you?�

      He shrugged. �I don�t know. I don�t even have a
      frame of reference for that. My best friend is gay.
      Both of my best friends,� he added, with a warm and
      loving smile at me. �Larry and I met after we both
      came out.� He mused a little. �I was always a little
      jealous of Walter, you know. I think I accepted that
      he was straight, sort of. I always felt a little bit
      like he might have the hots for you. Maybe I was just
      jealous of how close you were?� He looked at me kind
      of sidelong. �Is it bad to talk like this? It�s not
      speaking ill of the dead, really. It�s more about me
      and my insecurities than it is about Walter.�

      �It�s fine, Adam. You know you can say anything to
      me,� I told him. �Nothing ever happened between us,
      if that needs to be said.� He assured me it didn�t.
      �I can understand the jealousy. I feel that a bit
      with Larry. Maybe more so because I know you two
      *were* lovers.�

      �That was a long time ago. And it never was serious.
      We weren�t really lovers. Fuck buddies, if anything.
      And only when neither of us was involved with

      �I know. I�ve never doubted you, mon amour. I know
      the depth of your commitment. But you have so much
      history with Larry, and so much in common. Sometimes
      I feel like I can�t compete. So, I can understand if
      you felt that a little with Walter.�

      �It�s you I want,� he said, in a voice just brimming
      with emotion: love and longing and something else I
      couldn�t quite identify. I felt warmed all over.

      But then I took off his glasses and pulled him to me,
      and he tightened up. I kissed him, and his body was
      stiff and unresponsive. He barely kissed me back and
      turned away quickly. I felt awkward and
      uncomfortable, like I didn�t know what to do with him.
      Like this wasn�t Adam, but some stranger. �What�s
      wrong?� I asked, although I was pretty sure I knew. I
      wished I weren�t putting him in this position, having
      to worry about infection when we hadn�t needed to for
      so long.

      �I can�t do this,� he said. �We have to talk.�

      �Adam, we�ve been talking.� I pushed him back on the
      bed gently, lying half on top of him, hoping I could
      help him relax. I stroked his hair, kissed his cheek
      and his neck. �Enough talk. S�il te plait?�

      �No, there�s something I have to say.� He hesitated.
      �Jean-Paul, I do love you.�

      I laughed. �You can say that any time. I love you,
      too.� I kissed him and this time he responded, kissed
      me slowly and thoroughly. Maybe the awkwardness was
      dissipating. �I�ve missed you,� I said, whispering in
      his ear. �It�s been a long time. We haven�t had sex
      in weeks. I want you, Adam.�

      �But I can�t. Not until...�

      �You�ve done it with HIV+ men before, haven�t you?�

      �You�re not... you don�t know you are...�

      �No, I know that. I don�t think I�m infected. We
      just need to make sure. I�m just saying we�ve both
      had lovers who were positive. We know how to play
      safe. We did it that way ourselves for a year. It�s
      an inconvenience, Adam, that�s all. It�s just how we
      have to do it now. It won�t be for that long, I�m
      certain of it.�

      �But I want to talk...�

      �No more talking, mon amour.� I unzipped my pants and
      took his hand, guiding him to my hard cock. �Feel
      that? I need you.�

      He sighed and kissed me then, his tongue stroking mine
      while his hand pulled my cock out of my pants. He
      started playing with my foreskin, then stroking up and
      down the shaft. The kiss ended and he rolled me off
      of him so I was lying on my back. He sat up, still
      stroking, lowering his head to my cock. �I think we
      should use a condom,� I told him, a little

      �Not for this,� he replied, then licked all around the
      head. �We never did before,� he added, raising his
      head briefly to look at my face, still stroking as he
      said it.

      �I was never exposed before.�

      �It�s so low risk. We�ll use them for fucking, but
      not now. I don�t want to taste latex; I want to taste
      you. I want your cock in my mouth, Jean-Paul.� He
      stopped talking to lick all around the head for a
      moment. �Don�t come inside if you�re so worried,� he
      added, two hands on me now, fingers sliding over my
      cock in ways that made me shiver. �Pull out when you
      feel you�re going to come. Come on my face. That�s
      hot, too.�

      And then he wasn�t talking anymore because he was
      using his mouth on me as well as his hands. I pulled
      an extra pillow behind my head so I could watch his
      mouth taking me in, his hands at the base, fingers and
      tongue making me feel hot and excited and joyful and
      loving. He knows just how to do me, what turns me on.
      Some like the excitement of a new lover, but I�ll
      take the one who knows me � body and soul � anytime.
      �Oui, Adam. Comme �a. Je t�aime.� He was sucking
      hard now, pushing the head of my cock into his cheek
      and working the shaft with his wet tongue and his lips
      and with those beautiful hands of his. I was talking
      to him, not making much sense, I think, words a jumble
      of French and English.

      I pulled out of his mouth just in time, came on his
      cheek with his hands still stroking the base of my
      cock. �It is hot like that, isn�t it?� he said. �I
      like it when you come on me.�

      I nodded. �I like to see my cum on your face,� I
      said, stroking his wet and sticky cheek, then putting
      my finger to his mouth. He sucked it in eagerly. �I
      love that I�m the only one who get to see you like
      that.� I paused, feeling his mouth on my finger,
      remembering it on my cock. �I�ll do you now,� I said,
      after a while.

      But he pulled my hand away when I tried to unzip him,
      shaking his head. He was crying, large tears falling
      down his face. �What�s wrong?� I asked. He didn�t
      answer. �Are you frightened? Are you wishing you
      didn�t do that? It is a very low risk thing to do. I
      don�t even think I�m infected, and I couldn�t infect
      you like that, anyway, I�m quite sure. You were
      right. I shouldn�t have said it. I�m sorry, Adam. I
      know how careful you�ve always been about HIV. I wish
      I weren�t putting you in the position of having to be
      careful again.�

      �No, no,� he sobbed, trying to pull himself together
      enough to speak. �It�s not that.� And then he cried
      some more. I tried to put my arms around him, but he
      pulled away, sat sort of hunched up on the end of the

      �Qu�est-ce qui se passe?� I was getting alarmed.
      �Tell me, s�il te plait.�

      �I did something awful.�

      �What, mon amour?�

      �I had sex with someone else, Jean-Paul. When I was
      in San Francisco. I�m so sorry. I�ve never done it
      before, not since we met. I never will again. Please
      forgive me. Please don�t leave me.�

      I don�t know what I expected, but it wasn�t that. I
      looked at him, tears in his eyes, eyes that were
      pleading with me. I put my arms around him. �I won�t
      leave you.�

      �Aren�t you mad?�

      �I�m sure I will be, once it sinks in. Right now, I�m
      worried and sad. And I need to know what happened.
      Who was he?�

      �Just a guy at the conference.�

      �Someone you knew from before?�

      �No, he just came to my panel, and then introduced
      himself afterwards. A bunch of us went to dinner.
      And then he and I went out later, to a bar. And we
      talked a lot... We wanted to talk some more but it was
      loud, and late. We went back to my hotel room.

      �I didn�t mean to do it. I didn�t think I would. I
      knew I was attracted to him, but I didn�t think he was
      interested, and I wasn�t going to do anything even if
      he was. I shouldn�t have gone back to the hotel with
      him, I know. I shouldn�t have done anything with him.
      I�ll never do it again, I promise.�

      �Have you been in touch with him since?� He shook his
      head, his body shaking a little from crying. �Tell me
      you what did with him, Adam.�

      �I don�t know!� he answered, crying harder. �Not all
      of it, anyway. I had too much to drink, Jean-Paul.
      And, and... there were drugs, too. I didn�t remember
      anything the next morning. But some of it has come
      back � not all. Enough to know it�s bad.� He took a
      deep breath. �I sucked him off and he fucked me. I
      remember that. I don�t know what else. He fucked me
      hard, really rough. There was blood on the bed
      after.� He looked like he was going to apologize
      again and then thought better of it.

      �Did you use a condom?�

      �I don�t think so.�

      �You don�t think so?�

      �I can�t remember! I�ve wracked my brain and I just
      can�t. I looked for a used one or a wrapper or
      something and didn�t find anything � just lube. So, I
      think we didn�t.�

      �That�s dangerous.�

      �I know. Of course it is. I don�t want to put you at

      �Don�t worry. I think we have to be more concerned
      about your HIV status at this point. Adam, it�s late
      to start, but I think you should take PEP too. And
      Anjuli�s injections, as well.�

      �I�ll talk to Anjuli, but I can�t get the other. You
      said so yourself.�

      �I think we manage to break a few rules in this case.
      I�ll talk to Jean. I�ll tell her you need it.�
      Looking at his crestfallen expression, I added, �I
      won�t go into details. But we need to give you the
      best chance you can have, n�est-ce pas? Will you
      speak to Anjuli?�
      He nodded. �What was this man�s name? You do know

      He winced, but he answered. �Yes, I know his name.
      Jake. Jake Patterson. He lives in San Francisco. He
      works for the Chronicle.�

      �Do you know his HIV status?� He shook his head.
      �Have you seen or spoken to him since?�

      �No, and I won�t. Well, he called the next morning
      but that�s the only time I spoke to him. It didn�t
      mean anything, Jean-Paul. I don�t know if that makes
      it better or worse, but I was mad and lonely and horny
      and drunk and did something really stupid that I
      shouldn�t have done. That�s all there was to it.�

      �It�s okay,� I said, feeling at least for now like I
      meant it. �People make mistakes. Even you.�

      �Don�t be so nice to me,� he said, crying again.
      �It�s breaking my heart.� I laughed a little at that,
      in spite of myself, and he did, too. Then he added,
      �I feel like shit, Jean-Paul. I feel totally
      worthless. Here you get exposed doing something noble
      and I�m exposed letting some guy I just met fuck me.�

      �Adam, do you know how I broke up with Kolya?�

      He seemed surprised at the non sequitur, surprised
      enough to stop crying. �He told you he hated mutants,
      right? And you told him you are one.�

      �Right on the first point. But no, I never told him
      I�m a mutant. I couldn�t face it. I wasn�t always so
      out and proud about being a mutant,� I added, with a
      touch of irony.

      �So what did you say?�

      �Nothing. Sasha was visiting us at the time, and the
      three of us were supposed to go to a Canadiens game
      his last night in Montreal. That was the day I found
      out about Kolya�s prejudice against mutants.� I
      looked at Adam, saw his questioning expression,
      wondering where this was going. �I told them I didn�t
      feel well and they should go without me. I lied.
      While they were gone I went out to the bars, picked up
      a man I met there. When Kolya came home, he came home
      to me fucking a stranger. Sasha was leaving the next
      day. Kolya left with him.�

      �Why are you telling me this now, Jean-Paul?�

      �I needed to get out of the relationship. And, for
      whatever reasons � whatever shortcomings of mine � I
      couldn�t tell Kolya that. I *made* it happen, with

      �And you think I might be doing the same thing? That
      I did it with Jake so you�d leave me?�

      �Maybe. Maybe you didn�t even think consciously that
      you were doing that, but it could have been part of
      it.� I didn�t know how much to say. �A lot has
      changed in your life, Adam. A lot of it is because of
      me. You wouldn�t be living in a mutant hiding place
      if not for me, wouldn�t have given up the career you
      loved, wouldn�t have a baby who might be a mutant.�

      �Those are choices I made � freely, lovingly,
      willingly. I want to be with you � with you and Ezra,
      wherever that takes me. This was a terrible mistake,
      Jean-Paul. I�m sorrier than I can say. If I learned
      nothing else from this I�ve learned not to drink or
      spend time alone with a man when I�m mad at you. But
      I don�t want to leave you. I can�t leave you. You�re
      my life � you and Ezra.�

      �That�s not enough of a life for you and you know it.
      We made bad choices. You shouldn�t have given up your
      work. You need that, too.�

      �You�re right � I do. I�m glad to be working again.
      It probably was a mistake to quit the job. But I need
      you. I need you most of all. It was a shitty thing I
      did � I know that. I�m sorry for it; I�m paying for
      it. I hope I won�t pay for it with my health. My
      life. I�ll never do it again and I don�t think I�ll
      ever forgive myself, even if you do forgive me. But I
      didn�t do it to leave you. I was afraid to tell you
      for fear you�d leave me. I told you because I can�t
      stand lying to you. Please believe me � I want to
      stay with you. I don�t know what I�d do without you.�

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