title: Marie is I.
summary: Rogue recollects.
Spoilers: X1, X2.
takes place at the end of the first X-Men movie.
archived at http://www.geocities.com/rodlox/X2/Is_i.html
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This morning I'd wished him luck, luck in finding what he was looking
for. He asked me to keep watch over his dog tags.
I can't sleep. It's night out. I leave the room, and nobody says a
word to me. I know the whispers they've spoken about me; they who
think I can't hear them.
Down the hall I walk. Down the hall, down the hall in my uncle's
house, passing the painting of a menorah by the top of the stairs.
Down the long corridor, wishing for Stryker or some SOB to turn the
heating up just a notch, that's not too much to ask, is it?
I stop, just briefly. Who's Stryker? And when was there a menorah
painting in my uncle's house? Professor Xavier had told me that my
mutation was to absorb life, powers. So what gives?
What's up, bub?
I resume walking, down the hall some more. Turn at the corner, tuning
out the sound of repair work further down the dam, ignoring the sound
of dogs barking. Down the stairs, saying hi to my uncle as he readies
things for my cousin's bat mitzvah.
Across the open space, the little open space where you can turn in any
Up and out, get out of bed, you lazy -
I open the door, stepping outside, falling into lockstep with those
behind me and in front of me. Great, its raining. Keep moving, you
Slavs! I know not to wince or back away when the dogs bark, even when
they jump up. They're on leashes, I'm in a cage.
At least I'm not underwater.
I keep walking. Down the steps, saying hi to the pretty receptionist,
the comely girl signing people up for military service, for college
From somewhere, maybe just in my skull, a song plays. Something that
I'd heard once. Well, that somebody had heard once...
I wish that you would just leave
But he had left. I had left. Somebody left. Somebody always leaves.
Because your presence still lingers here
Two scenes merged before my eyes, three scenes, four. Brick walkway
with cold mud, then a forest's fallen leaves, the a football field --
the twenty yard line.
And it won't leave me alone
It was what I saw. Its what I feel. Feeling like the rain, cold and
wet and pattering everywhere like a horde of little kids. Like those
toddlers at the zoo, back when I was five, enjoying a visit to Warsaw.
Cold and wet, it melts on my cheeks, but lingers on my clothes. The
ragged shirt I wear, the only shirt I have left to me, has become an
The snowfall doesn't make it any easier to walk, to trudge out at
this late hour. Left shoe sticks in the mud, and my foot doesn't slip
out of it. I fall, throwing my hands down to keep from cracking my
skull. At least the ground isn't so jarringly hard right now.
It hurts. The pain just gets to me. My body knits itself back up. Or
it should be. Why isn't it? I stare at my hands, scraped and nearly
raw. Damn that roughed-up brick, that ill-placed stone! I should be
all fixed up by now.
Its cold. I hate the cold. Not that I'd tell anyone that. My body
fixes problems like gangrene and frostbite, but that just means I get
them over and over again. Cold and cold and cold.
I wouldn't say anything. Speaking up just invites pain, invites the
SS to pummel me. Bullies. Creeps in the locker room. Bullies, I all
have known them.
These wounds won't seem to heal
They should be healing, they should. Why aren't they? There some sort
of legalese to explain this? Dude, this ain't good at all.
This pain is just too real
Hurts. No amount of healing, however much I try, can ever stop the
pain. Physical and whatnot. `Does it hurt?' the kid asked me once.
Only one answer to that: `Ev'ry time.'
There's just too much that time cannot erase
However much I can't recall, however much stuff I can't remember, its
done. What's done is done. Nobody can bring back the dead.
And I cannot forgive for what has become of the dead. `Give them a
chance,' Charles asked me. `I cannot,' I'd told him. Too much has
been done. And I've no doubt that much more is about to be done, and
not just by me or thee.
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
I. Me. We. Thee.
Is this always to be?
Shall it be this way from now until the end?
`Let us make man in our own image' says the pastor in my daycare. I
am one and many, or am I otherwise?
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
I couldn't sleep, so I left the room and started walking. You're why I
couldn't sleep, Logan, Erik, Paul. And I.
The usual walk into a line-up. Even the starlit night offers neither
comfort nor variation enough to soothe me.
Used to be, I would go out to empty fields, lie down, and see how
many stars I could recognize. When I was little, I would pretend that
Orion and the others could hear me, I'd hold conversations with them.
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
A shadow falls on me, from a figure backlit by searchlights. All the
guards are watching, their guns at the ready.
"Marie?" she asks me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I say to Mrs. Grey -- or is it Mrs. Summers? I want to
know. I don't care to know. Who cares?
Who cares about what happens?
Your eyes, they look haunted, teach'. You okay, Yoriko? You look like
you've seen better days.
But even the best of days inevitably come to an end.
These wounds wont seem to heal
She held my arm, leading me inside, sitting me down on a chair. She
sits on a desk. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
Don't ask about the war. Better to let them think you're ignorant
about the raging conflict, the conflaguration that's engulfing the
Sitting in an office, just one door removed from the outside. A thin
wall, brick, immovable. Where's an Allied bomb when you need it most?
Lift the weights, I'm told. Move the iron so it stays between these
points. Stop the bullet.
This pain is just too real
"We're just going to run a few tests," I'm told. At least you're a
More tests. And if I perform well, they'll keep my family alive,
spare my friends the horrors of the fate that befalls everyone else.
Special tests, like the ones I underwent last week, when the whole
team had drug testing. Just in case.
But you still have all of me
Took blood, x-rays, calipers and bone saws, `fun' with magnets, and...
The list goes on and on, pain and pain is all I recall of those
tests. I don't like needles, and its no wonder.
Shoving Mrs. whatever-her-name-is aside, I barrel past her, slamming
into the door that opens for me. They'll shoot me, I've no doubt of
that. But I'm too valuable to kill.
I can't be killed.
Now I'm back. In the open, beneath the vault of heavens. Letting the
snow fall on me, the rain, the leaves.
Nobody bothers me.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And with the same quickness that they struck into me tonight, the
images fade away. Four becomes three becomes two becomes one. Becomes
me, is I.
Logan's gone biking. Erik's been arrested. Paul...is hopefully out of
Faded. Voices in the background.
And though you're still with me
Though they're quiet now, they're all still here. In me. Part of me. I
I always will be.
I've been alone all along
The one unchanging thing.