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Fic: Left Alone

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  • Maggie Carlson
    TITLE: Left Alone AUTHOR: Blue Prairie EMAIL: blue_prairie@yahoo.com LYRICS: The Living Dead by Suede LYRICS SUMBITTED BY: Jonas.Thorell
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 16, 2004
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      TITLE: Left Alone
      AUTHOR: Blue Prairie
      EMAIL: blue_prairie@...
      LYRICS: "The Living Dead" by Suede
      LYRICS SUMBITTED BY: Jonas.Thorell
      UNIVERSE/CONTINUITY: Movieverse, immediately following X2
      RATING: R
      SPOILERS: None
      CHARACTER/PAIRING: Rogue/Scott
      WARNINGS: This got a little dark - drug use and suicide.
      SUMMARY: Logan leaves; Rogue seeks comfort wherever she can find it.
      DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to Marvel/Fox/Brian Singer, the
      song belongs to Suede…basically I own nothing in this story and I
      make no money off of it.
      AUTHOR'S NOTES: Written for the X-men Lyric Wheel.
      FEEDBACK: Please! This is very different from what I usually write.
      _____________________________________________________________________
      _________

      Logan left again after Alkali Lake. I knew he would, and I watched
      him leave. I saw him pause at the doorway and look back, something
      the Wolverine in my head said he'd never done before. But I
      couldn't let myself care. I didn't rush out to say goodbye to him
      this time. My broken heart was still hurting too much. I still
      couldn't believe that he'd failed to protect me when I'd gotten
      sucked out of the Blackbird. He hadn't even tried! Instead it was
      Kurt who'd brought me back, while Logan just sat in his seat looking
      helpless. I could have forgiven him for that. I did know, after
      all, that there really was no way for him to save me that time. But
      it wasn't the only time he let me down.

      Bobby, John, and I were gathering firewood while we waited for the
      Blackbird to be repaired during the Alkali mission when I saw them.
      I couldn't stop myself from watching as Logan kissed Jean and then
      Jean walked away. For a moment there was weakness on the
      Wolverine's face, and I didn't know if I should love or hate Jean
      for putting it there. Either way, I knew I'd never forget that
      night. My heart had been broken.

      In my anger of having my dreams crushed I found my strength. I flew
      the Blackbird. Not well, but I did it. Bobby couldn't believe I
      had even tried. He was such a boy then, he still is today. That's
      when I knew we would never work out. Me with people in my head who
      had seen far more than someone my age should, and he who had lived
      such a protected life until the attack on the mansion. Storm and
      Scott saw me differently after that. I'd gone from being a child to
      protect to a teammate in that instant.

      That is why, even through his grief, Scott insisted that Bobby and I
      be given uniforms and join the team at the White House. Logan said
      nothing. It was obvious he didn't approve. He wouldn't even look
      at me. At the White House he stayed across the room from me. I
      told myself that I didn't care. I was an X-man now. Instead I
      stayed near Scott, hoping that would at least annoy Logan.

      Once we got back to the mansion I knew Logan would leave, so I
      watched him go from my window. Even though I hated him for wanting
      Jean I still felt like a part of me was dying. I couldn't stop the
      tears I felt rolling down my face, so I gave up fighting them and
      cried like the little girl I hadn't been for so long.

      That's how Scott found me. He didn't say anything, just walked over
      and put his arms around me like only Logan had since I'd become
      untouchable. Then he cried too. We never talked about it, but we
      both knew that we shared the hurt of losing someone we had loved.
      We didn't love each other like we had loved them, but love wasn't
      what we were looking for. It hurt too much to love. But Scott was
      willing to touch and I was willing to be touched, even if it did
      have to be through a protective layer of clothing, so our
      relationship began.

      It took a long time for everyone at Xavier's to accept Scott and me
      together. Maybe they could see that we were both settling for
      something we didn't really want. Over time the awkward silences
      whenever we entered a room stopped. We even double dated with Kurt
      and Ororo a few times. I would almost say we were happy.

      We had our first fight on the anniversary of the Liberty Island
      incident. I remembered it as a near death experience that I would
      rather forget and had developed a tradition of drowning myself in a
      bottle of whiskey on that night. Besides, if I thought about it I
      would think of Logan, and that was not something I would let myself
      do.

      Scott had other plans. He remembered it as a victory. The X-men
      had defeated Magneto's plan, put the villain in prison, and had zero
      casualties.

      He agreed to go out for drinks, but couldn't understand why I would
      prefer to stay in a secluded corner and drink myself into oblivion.
      We should be having fun, get up and dance! Finally he gave up and
      said he was going home. I could come with or call for a ride when I
      was ready to be happy again. I didn't think I'd ever be happy
      again, so I stayed at the bar. That's when I met him.

      Nick Crosby sat down across from me and asked to buy me a drink. I
      looked him over suspiciously and nodded yes. He wasn't a handsome
      man, but not ugly either. His sandy hair fell over his forehead and
      shadowed his grey eyes while he leaned back and lit his cigarette.
      Our drinks arrived and I downed mine and gave Nick a challenging
      look. He gave me a little sneer and told me he knew someplace we
      could go and get really lost. I told him to take me there.

      I don't know what I was expecting, but this place was right out of a
      bad made-for-television movie. We ended up in a dimly lit basement
      that was so damp it chilled you right to the bone. About twenty
      people were sitting around drinking and smoking what I was pretty
      sure weren't cigarettes. I knew it wasn't a place I should be, but
      I couldn't make myself leave.

      Nick handed me a glass filled with a dark liquid and one of those
      not-cigarettes, so I took them. What a feeling! I was soon so far
      gone I was numb. I couldn't focus enough to think and I couldn't
      feel my body. I didn't even notice the rest of them shooting up
      until Nick grabbed my arm and asked if I'd let him do the honors. I
      could feel Eric and Logan, and even a faint David telling me that I
      was out of control and had better stop this now, but that was just
      one more reason to say yes. Only my skin was stopping me, until I
      noticed that Nick was wearing gloves. I whispered please, and that
      was all he needed. I found the escape I had been longing for.

      I awoke in the basement among sleeping bodies and stale vomit. I
      had to get out of there. Having no idea where I was, I picked a
      direction and walked until I came upon a small gas station. The kid
      working the cash register called me a cab and it took me back to
      Xavier's. Luck was on my side, I didn't see anyone on my way to my
      room. Scott was still asleep when I entered, so I snuck into the
      shower to clean myself of the dirtiness I felt.

      When I stepped back into the bedroom Scott was gone. He avoided me
      until dinner and then acted like everything was normal. I played
      along. We never talked about my night out, instead we started
      falling apart. At first we just irritated each other. We would
      fight for a week because one of us left a wet towel on the bathroom
      floor. Then the fights got bigger, about my lack of ambition to do
      anything with my life, why I never became a full-blown X-man, how we
      could have had it all, could have walked in the sky but we stare at
      the wall.

      Still, neither of us left. We needed each other to exist, we were
      afraid to be alone. Then our fights grew to include Logan and
      Jean. We'd never let things get this far before, and when Scott
      accused me of still waiting for Logan to come back, I ran. I ran
      straight to Nick Crosby.

      I had a mission this time. I wanted all the pain to go away. I
      found Nick and I begged him to help me, and he did, but for a
      price. Soon it became a routine. Scott and I would fight about the
      pasts we had never let go, I would leave to escape the pain, and
      when I came back we would act like nothing had happened. Eventually
      this routine left me pretty broke, so I would ask Scott for money.
      I'm sure he wondered how I could spend so much money shopping
      without ever bringing anything home, but he never said anything. I
      guess he didn't care to know the truth.

      After a while it wasn't just the fights that made me want to escape,
      it was everything. I didn't need something as big as a reminder
      that Logan had left to push me to seek escape anymore. An off-hand
      comment meant as a joke, even something as trivial as a broken nail
      was a good enough reason for me.

      I was always careful to be away from Scott when I used the needle to
      escape. I would run to Crosby's, hide out on the roof of the
      mansion, or double check when Scott was expected back from a
      mission. But the last mission had ended early and Scott had walked
      in on me. He just stood in the doorway, his emotions hidden behind
      that damn visor he was cursed to wear.

      Then he said, "I know where the money's gone – I know what you
      do, `cos I've seen the hole in your arm and the needle's a better
      screw. But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go," and
      walked out on me.

      Now I'm alone again, but I realize that I've always been alone.
      Nothing can fill the emptiness inside of me, so this time instead of
      a needle I use a razor, and I escape forever.
      _____________________________________________________________________
      _________

      "The Living Dead" by Suede

      Where's all the money gone – I'm talking to you,
      All up the hole in your arm,
      Is the needle a much better screw?
      But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go.

      Where is this life of fun you promised me?
      Nothing here works but your works and I mean it.
      I have to leave.
      But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go.

      If I was the wife of an acrobat would I look like the living dead,
      boy?
      You're on the wire and I can't get back,
      Let's talk about the living dead
      Could have had a car, could have had it all,
      Could have walking in the sky but we stare at the wall

      I know where the money's gone – I know what you do
      `cos I've seen the hole in your arm
      and the needle's a much better screw.
      But oh, what will you do alone? `cos I have to go.
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