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Beta Reader Please

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  • Tony
    If anyone is interested I would like to have a beta reader for a fan fic I am writing. Here is my first chapter. E-mail me at SneakyJackal@hotmail.com if you
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 31, 2003
      If anyone is interested I would like to have a beta reader for a fan
      fic I am writing. Here is my first chapter. E-mail me at
      SneakyJackal@... if you are interested.




      RATED R


      Notice: I would like full criticism about this fan fiction. Please
      don't hold back. I welcome all opinions good or bad.

      Disclaimer: I do not own X-men nor am I affiliated with it. I am not
      writing this fan fiction to make money and nor shall I profit from
      this. This was written for the enjoyment of myself and others.

      Summary: This fan fiction is about a group of assassins known as the
      E.S.A. They are highly trained mercenaries hired by the government
      to hunt and assassinate mutants all across the globe.

      Contact: If you would like to contact me personally then please e-
      mail at SneakyJackal@...

      CHAPTER 1


      It was a bright spring day in upstate New York. The air was still
      filled with brisk morning fog. You could hear the cars honking and
      the sound of business in the background.

      A teacher stands in the middle talking and explaining the process a
      cell goes through. She is a middle-aged woman named Christina Hailey
      but her students know her as Ms. Hailey. Ms. Hailey was well liked
      by most students for not giving homework assignments.

      "Okay class does everyone understand the process of mitosis?"
      questioned Ms. Hailey.

      "I understand Ms. Hailey," replied Dana.

      "What about you Chris?" Ms. Hailey asked.

      There was no reply. Chris had his head down sleeping.

      "Chris are you sleeping again?" "Wake up, your not allowed to sleep
      in my class," said Ms. Hailey.

      There still was no reply. Chris was still fast asleep. Ms. Hailey
      was getting frustrated. You could see the wrinkles in her forehead
      getting deeper.

      Ms. Hailey said, "Dana would you please wake up Chris."

      Dana replied, "Okay Ms. Hailey."

      Dana leaned over and tapped Chris. He was still sleeping. Ms. Hailey
      grew tired of this and threw her book on the floor. The sound was
      loud and woke up Chris.

      "Chris, I'm tired of you sleeping in my class." "You need to learn
      to go to bed early and get enough sleep."

      "If you continue to sleep in my class I am going to have to refer
      you to Discipline." Ms. Hailey firmly stated.

      "Why don't I just do you a favor and sleep in Discipline." Chris

      Ms. Hailey replied, "Its your choice, life is what you make it."

      "That is bullshit." Chris said walking out of the class.

      Before Ms. Hailey could say anything Chris walked out of the room.
      Ms. Hailey uttered, "Gosh that boy knows how to pluck my nerves."

      There was a sudden pause after Chris left. Then Ms. Hailey continued
      her lesson.

      Ms. Hailey asks, "Okay class mitosis is the process in cell division
      in which the nucleus divides and goes through four stages." "Can
      anyone tell what those stages are?"

      Dana raises her hand volunteering to answer the question. But Ms.
      Hailey does not call her. Instead she chooses a kid sitting in the
      back of the class, Michael Kosetti. He was a mutant. And of coarse
      no one knew of it. His special power was a telekinetic. He was very
      good at using it and unlike most mutants at his age accepted his
      gift and was proud of his mutation. Although he was proud of his
      mutant heritage only his mutant friends knew of his abilities, the
      rest of the people only knew him to be normal.

      "Michael, could you please answer the question?" Ms. Hailey asks.

      Michael replies, "Prophase, Metaphase, Anaphase, and Telephase."

      "Very good Michael." Ms. Hailey praised.

      Ms. Hailey begins writing notes on the chalkboard as the rest of the
      students start to copy them. Soon after Chris walks back in the
      classroom and sits down as if he had never even left. Ms. Hailey
      begins to question him.

      "Ahhhhhhhhhh you would like to join the class now?" Ms. Hailey says.

      "Sadly...Yes there is just nothing to do today is there." Chris

      "I'm sure you'll have plenty of things to do during Saturday
      School." Ms. Hailey responds.

      "Saturday School...For what?" asks Chris.

      "Profanity will not be tolerated in my class Mr. Redfield." Ms.
      Hailey answers.

      "Well ain't that a bizzle," jokes Chris.

      The class lets out slight giggles as Ms. Hailey continues her lesson.

      "Okay class can anyone tell me what mutation is?" Ms. Hailey asks.

      Chris yells out, "Yea those freaks on television."

      The class laughs while Ms. Hailey desperately tries to keep the
      class interested in the learning discussion.

      "They are not freaks, they are normal human beings like you and me,"
      explains Ms. Hailey.

      "No they aren't, they deserve to be slaughtered, all of them." Chris

      "Chris I will not tolerate inappropriate discussion from you." Ms.
      Hailey firmly states.

      "You know that's really sad, my own teacher a mutant lover," rants

      "That is enough!" "I don't want to hear anymore of your nonsense
      today!" Ms. Hailey exclaims.

      "Alright...Chill out Ms. H just trying to make some laughs, its all
      good." Chris replies with a pleasant tone.

      Ms. Hailey continues her lesson on mutation and the class gets back
      to normal. Chris ends up dropping his pencil and looks around his
      desk for it. In the back Michael has moved it with his telekinesis.
      Michael launches the pencil at Chris' head. The pencil hits him in
      the back of the head and some of the students around him laugh.

      "Okay...okay class, settle down, this is very important, it will be
      on your test." Ms. Hailey states.

      Chris looks around and sees a glare in Michaels eyes and accuses him.

      "Did you throw my pencil at me?" Chris asks Michael with an
      intimidating tone.

      "Yea bitch the freak did it." Michael answers the question
      telepathically to Chris.

      "So you can read minds, is that your special power?" Chris thought.

      "Not so tough are you?" Michael said with his mind.

      "Imma tell you my little secret." "I am an E.S.A. and I'm going to
      kill you." Chris thought.

      Michael immediately cuts off the transmission. Chris looks at him
      with an evil grin and Michael has a look of distilled fear.

      "Ms. Hailey can I be excused?" asks Chris.

      "Well okay but be quick, this is important." Ms. Hailey says.

      "Okay I will." Chris answers.

      Chris is a member of the E.S.A. that stands for the Elite Stealth
      Assassins. The E.S.A. is funded by the government to capture mutants
      yet none of them have ever been captured but slain in cold blood.
      The government does not give them the right to kill people but they
      do anyway. No was has enough resilience to stand against them. They
      kill innocent mutants from the oldest to the newborn. Their leader
      is Ben Reilly an ex-militant. He is only known to those as Dark
      Star, his real name remains a mystery. His hatred with mutants began
      when his wife died of an unstable mutation in a laboratory trying to
      help a mutant friend. Ever since that day Ben has devoted his entire
      life toward the destruction of mutants. He has been killing mutants
      for about 6 years since his wife's death. Many of his followers have
      died to mutants because of their powerfully abilities until now.
      With the help of government scientists they have discovered a drug
      they call, "nano-machines." This drug gives the user temporary
      abilities like super strength, rapid healing, and resistance to
      other mutants' powers. The only with the drug problem is that the
      drug remains dormant in the human body for weeks and overtime can be
      extremely fatal to adults. Ben recruits both children and teenagers
      at a young age to become soldiers for this war. If the nano-machines
      were used early the body would learn to accept them but the effects
      would only be short-lasting. Once the body accepted the nano-
      machines less treatment would be required and the effects would
      become permanent.

      Dark Star once used his own nano-machines drug on himself and his
      body didn't respond well to them. It caused complications and made
      him insane. Dark Star goal is to destroy every last mutant on Earth.
      He trains young boys and girls and uses them as war machines. Every
      soldier he trains is completely devoted to the destruction of
      mutants and is ready for die for the cause.

      Chris returns to the classroom. He locks his eyes on Michael, who
      still has a look of fear on his face. Michael tries to look away but
      Chris continues to glance at Michael.

      "Mr. Redfield if you would kindly take a seat." Ms. Hailey requested.

      "Of coarse Ms. Hailey," Chris responded.

      Michael tried to probe Chris' mind trying to find some answers to
      why Chris was going to kill him. He's heard of the E.S.A. Secret
      meetings of mutants are held to talk about daily issues that bother
      them. In one of the last meetings the president, Kittie Pryde said
      that there has been a group of people wiping out mutants and they
      are now in the area. She said to watch for them and they should not
      be underestimated. There have been 108 cases of mutants being killed
      by assassins but they were never brought to justice.

      "Tsk tsk you shouldn't be in there then I would really have to kill
      you," said Chris.

      Michael gasped, "Why are...why are you going to kill me, I...I
      didn't do anything to you."

      "It's your kind, it's your living, your breathing, your disgust." "I
      don't think you deserve to live, I think you and your people should
      be destroyed, and not because we fear you but because we don't like
      you, because you deserve to die." Chris answered.

      "Fuck you." "Fuck you, I'm going to fight you." "I'm not afraid,"
      exclaimed Michael.

      Ms. Hailey was surprised by Michael's loud outburst. She never
      witnessed Michael using profanity.

      "Michael can I have a word with your outside?" Ms. Hailey stated.

      Michael got up from his seat and began to walk out the class when
      the fire alarm went off. Michael's body jolted as he was stunned by
      the fire alarm.

      "Okay we go down the hall to the right." "Please people, try to stay
      with the class, I have to take the roll and we can't have anyone
      missing." Ms. Hailey said as the students left the building.

      Michael was not sure if he was being set up or this was just a
      regular fire drill so he stayed close to Ms. Hailey. Chris followed
      Michael closely. Because of the nano-machines Chris had the ability
      to read Michael's mind. The nano-machines give the user resistance
      to other mutants' powers. The resistance enables the user to absorb
      the mutants' power for as long as the nano-machines are still
      potent. Chris searched Michaels mind but found nothing to be of

      "How can you hate your own blood?" Michael said telepathically.

      "I'm not a mutant dumbass, I just absorbed your power." Chris said.

      "How?" asked Michael.

      "Not telling, but I have a question for you." Chris answered.

      The students were all out of the building now. In the background you
      could see the school gym on fire. The building crumbling completely
      engulfed in flames. Loud thundering came when large debris fell to
      the ground.

      "Holy shit the gym is on fire," exclaimed Dana.

      "Who could have done such a thing?" grieved Ms. Hailey.

      Michael looked at it with awe. He had never witnessed such
      destruction. He didn't know what to think of.

      "It was those filthy mutants!" "They burned our gym, they did it."
      Chris yelled.

      "Yea they did we must make them pay," a student said.

      "There is no evidence that a mutant has done this," stated Ms.

      Michael knew what was going on now. He knew that the mutant hunters
      had planned to incriminate mutants for this destruction. He had to
      warn the others. He had to warn his friends...
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