That Same Dark Place
By Nadja Lee 6/26/03
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: X-men and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set after the X-men 2 movie.
Universe: Movie. ONLY movie!
Romance: Scott/Jean, Logan/Rogue, Logan/Jean.
Summary: Scott thinks about the past events and his time as Strykers prisoner, not knowing someone is watching him.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
Warnings: Mention of torture, killings and other nice things.
Thanks so much to Moswen for great beta and kind support.
* * *
Jeans gone. I saw it, but I still cant believe it. We held a small funeral for her a few weeks after her death, though the coffin was empty
It didnt bring me the closure I had sought, the closure I had hoped to find. Her parents were grief-stricken and blamed me. I can understand that; they had loved their little girl
always. Me? I never quite got that, being an orphan. To me, Jean had the perfect family, though logically I knew they had their faults as well. Yet even though having something like her family had been a childhood dream of mine, I never knew how to talk to hers
I always felt inadequate, not good enoughfor a woman as loved and as wonderful as Jean was.
Few people understood the relationship we had; few understood the depth of the love we shared. Losing her was like losing a part of myself, a part of my soul. Others couldnt see past the façade. They saw an older woman with a younger man. They saw a doctor dating a schoolteacher. They saw a woman with a normal family with an orphan. We were all those things but that wasnt all we were. They saw a relationship doomed to fail. They saw a strong woman dominating a weaker man. They saw a beautiful normal woman with a strange man who always wore red shades. They saw wrong.
To others, dating and love may be about power, dominance and control but, it never was like that for us. Yes, she earned more money than me. Yes, she had a higher education. Yes, she had a family and I had none. Yes, she was older than me. To us, none of that mattered. We simply loved each other. We were connected on a whole different plane.
We trusted each other, we loved each other but we also needed each other and depended on each other. I remember a mission a little more than 2 years ago where I was almost killed. Jean told me in all seriousness that she wasnt sure she would be able to live without me. That was the essence of our love and thats what people never got. We were equals in every way but we also depended strongly on each other. We were each others souls
each others hearts. How can you go on without your soul? Without your heart?
I know no one is perfect, and I know Jean wasnt perfect either. Im not one of those people who glorify everything after someones death. We did have our arguments, and at times, she did flirt
. like she did with Logan. Of course, that made me angry, because I was afraid to lose her. Ive never had a lot so what I do have I sometimes tend to hold on to too tightly, that is a fault of mine I admit I have. However while Logan was away we talked about it, we talked a lot and we fought a lot as well. Those conversations made me realise some very important things; if you hold on too tightly youll lose what you try so hard to keep. I also came to realise that Jean didnt flirt to hurt me, leave me or humiliate me
she did it because it was something she needed to try. I realised that the more forbidden I made it the more shell need to try and the more would it stand as an invisible wall between us until shell one day leave me, saying I always kept her back. I always have and always will value my own personal freedom highly so how could I do any less for the woman I loved so dearly? She needed to try playing a little, and I trusted in her and in our love enough to believe that she wouldnt take it too far. That was really all there was to it but it had just taken me some time to see that.
A few weeks after Jeans death, Logan told me that they had kissed
probably felt a little guilty about it and needed to tell me about it
or maybe Kurt had had a talk with him. Our blue priest has a tendency to get mixed up in everything and always has a good advise. At any rate, Logan looked something between ashamed, proud, and almost challenging when he said it. I simply told him that I already knew. The look on his face as he left my office had been priceless. Yes, I had been jealous, but that had passed. Jean had told me herself about the kiss after I had come back to consciousness in the compound. She had telepathically let me run through her memories of the past few days, knowing I had fears, and she had effectively put them to rest. Yes, she had kissed him, but she had walked away, and that was the part I chose to focus on.
Sometimes I feel like shes still here, like I can feel her around me. She remains as alive to me now, almost six months after her death, when she was able to stand right here next to me. I used to never have any trouble sleeping; now I rarely sleep. I work till late at night; I read
I sleep no more than a few hours, because every time I close my eyes, I see her image before me, and I smile
but then I see myself blasting her, hurting her, and in my nightmares
I kill her.
In the daytime, when someone asks me if I remember what it was like being under Strykers control, I tell them I cant remember. Im lying. I know that Xavier knows this, but he never pushes for more information. Maybe he doesnt want to know. He loved Jean as well. I do remember. I remember he tortured me before he used his mind control serum on me. I remember being locked up in a small cell; I remember cruel guards; I remember being asked questions about the school, Xavier, and the students there. I didnt talk, but now I also know that that was never the point. They already knew everything. They were just having fun until they needed me controlled.
At times I feel like screaming and never stopping, and at times even the most innocent touch will make me flinch and remember what I wish I could forget. I want to talk to someone about it but who would I ask? No one would understand. Ive considered talking with Ororo, Kurt, or Xavier but they wouldnt understand what Im going through.
Whod understand what it feels like to be forced to hurt the woman you love? How it feels to be able to see everything, to want to stop when your body just wont listen? Whod understand if I told them of the humiliating and degrading things the guards made me do to test if the control was still holding?
No one would understand
Im alone now.
Why did you leave me, Jean? Why? How dare you leave me like this? How dare you?
I hate you! Hate you!
.I love you so much
.I wish you were here with me. Please
.come back to me and guide me
.Im lost without you.
* * *
I watch him. I do that sometimes. He sits in the kitchen again, staring blankly out into the dark room. Its almost 4 in the morning. He should be asleep - as should I, but I have a feeling were both here for the same reason
and maybe we stay away from each other for the same reason as well.
I cant deny I held no great love or respect toward him when I first saw him. So young to be in command
such a quiet and calm nature. Now I know it was control I saw, and I know that where my rage is quick his is ice-cold and calculated
maybe making his even more deadly than mine. My rage has always been as unorganised and spontaneous as I am in everything I do.
Ive grown to respect him
more now than ever. I admit that its because I find myself in him now. Alone, having lost the woman he loved, having been captured by Stryker and forced to do things against his will
The others are blind or rather choose to be. I know the signs; I know why he doesnt sleep. I know that far more happened at Alkali Lake than what hes been telling, and my bet is that he was well aware of his actions when he fought to kill Jean under the drugs influence. Maybe sometimes not knowing is better
maybe now Im the lucky one of the two of us.
I cant say for sure why I fell in love with Jean, but probably some of it was because she was forbidden to me, and I wanted to test his limits. For as long as I can remember Ive always hated authority and if anything Scott was just that so going for his girl made perfect sense in my book. What I hadnt counted on was falling in love with her because I did love her
a part of me still does and always will, but she was never mine to love, and Ive admitted that now. After her death I saw everyone giving Scott their sympathies and support and I came to that realization
she was never mine to mourn as a lover because that she never was. That is the burden I have to live with.
Maybe and its a big maybe I might have been able to sleep with her for one night, but she would have regretted it, and she would have returned to him. She told me as much; flirt with the bad boy, but marry the good guy she said, and now I know it was her way of warning me against falling in love with her, because she would always be his.
Nothing makes you rethink your life more than death. Me, Im a man who is very hard to killa man who just might be able to live for hundreds of years. I have seen death up close and personal, and its not a nice sight. Before, I drifted around; I had no place to call home, and no one to call family. I found I wanted a home, a family. Later, after Alkali I found a home in the school but the family? I found that over time I began to see all the students as kinda like family, as I protected them and cared for them as one would a real family. However I wanted a family of my own. I thought about it for a long time. My thoughts always returned to Jean
. betrayed by a memory of a kiss I should never have given and a ghost who refused to grant me peace.
Time heals all wounds; at least thats what they say. It was true for me. I dont have the bittersweet memories of a lost lover
Scott does. I would once have envied him those memories but now as I see that what was once his greatest source of happiness is becoming his source of the deepest sorrow I feel sorry for him instead
something I thought I would never do.
Time may be my friend as I want to forget and I want to heal. For Scott time seems to stand still. He didnt move on. In fact time almost seems to work against him, and it doesnt seem to lessen his aguish. I doubt he can hide his pain much longer. Just yesterday he forgot his class had to take a test. He saved himself by postponing it till tomorrow but still
For me, things have changed with time. My love for Jean is still there, but its a bittersweet memory now; its one you take forth to remember with a hidden tear in your eye and a stab of sadness in your heart for a love that never came to be. But memories cant comfort you and keep you warm at night; they cant make you feel loved. You need a real flesh and blood woman for that. Ive been lucky. This time, my love is requited, and I wonder why I didnt see it before. She was there
had always been there right in front of my eyes.
Ever since I came here, out of everyone in the mansion, the one person I cared for more than anyone, the one person I could die for without question, was Marie. I felt we shared a special bond, strengthened through my oath to take care of her. I hadnt before tried to analyse my emotions for her; she was, after all, just a kid. Now I find that kids do grow up
its only I who doesnt age; the rest of the world does.
As I moved on after Jean so did Rogue move on after Bobby, which gave us one more thing we had in common. She and Bobby had parted as friends and I had taken her out for dinner after that to try and cheer her up. We talked, and she explained that she had just realised that Bobby was her best friend; but that was really all she ever wanted him to be; and so they had agreed to remain as much. It was in that moment, hearing her speak of relationships in such a mature way, seeing her sitting there with a look upon her face which wasnt youthful but wise and certain, that I saw her as she really was for the first time
not a girl, not a child, but a woman.
Love is what you make of it. I cant see why you cant love more than once in your lifetime, should you be lucky enough to get a second chance. Marie is everything I ever hoped she would be; shes everything I need and everything I want, and I do love her. This love isnt a flame; it isnt red hot. Its not forbidden, and its not about lustful glances or trying to hide it away while stealing kisses in unguarded moments. This love is warm; its always there and its like a blanket around my soul. This love doesnt consume me, doesnt burn me. This love protects me and supports me and its just what I need. In a way this love is more mature than what I felt for Jean and therefore it has that much better chances of lasting.
I did wonder whether I would be betraying what I felt for Jean by loving Marie, but Im a man of sense, even though my heart at times will ask illogical questions. The dead dont care about anything; theyre dead. However, I know she would have wanted Scott to be safe, and so, I made an oath to try and keep him out of trouble for her
she would have wanted that.
As I look at Scott sitting there in his grief I understand. I too have things I cant just move on with. My lost memories and missing past for example. It would probably grant me peace if I did just move on; try and forget. But I cant do that. I cant let go.
someone always understands. It may not be exactly the same pain but Ive been to the same dark place that I know Scotts in now. I dont remember much from my past but I know that I was controlled and forced to do things I didnt want to
like Scott did. We share that now
as we share the inability to move on though its different things we cant let go of.
Someone has always been in that same dark place. Its not a question of understanding
its about reaching out, and that Im not sure I can do. I dont even know Scott all that well
.Hell, I dont even *like* him all that much. I respect him and I can understand what hes going through but opening up and talking about the past and feelings
that never was me. Maybe in time
if this gets out of hand
but sometimes Mohammed does need to go to the mountain after all.
But until he does, Ill be here and Ill keep an eye on him
for you, Jeannie. For you, the love who got away
my love who was never mine in the first place. This is my last gift
my last gesture
Rest in peace
.and rest easy
Ill keep an eye on im for you. Trust me.