For a long time it was sort of, well, almost sweet. The way Rogue
would talk about Logan.
I hadn't gotten more than a few glimpses of him during his first
brief visit to the school. I'll never forget how he came barging
into our physics class, all freaked out and jumpy. Think we scared
him even more than he did us right then.
And later, that night when we heard him yelling for help from his
It took a while to sort of piece together what had happened.
At first I thought he had hurt Rogue, the way she ran out all scared,
but then I saw him on the floor and wondered what the hell she had
done to him
The rumours flew for quite a while about that night, as
we students weren't privy to the whole story and the teachers didn't
feel it was our business I suppose.
I only got the entire story months later, from Rogue
I wondered if it really was the entire story. I thought it was,
well, a little strange that she just walked into his room in the
middle of the night like that. I didn't feel right asking her why,
asking her to justify what she was doing there, so I never pressed
the issue. But it itched a little in my mind from time to time, why
there was the intimacy between them like that, after only knowing
each other a couple of days. Hell, I wouldn't just go into her room
while she was sleeping, even now I wouldn't.
The only other time I saw him that visit was when he silently walked
out the door, after recovering from the incident at the statue of
liberty. Rogue sprang away from our game to say goodbye to him, and
from then on she wore his dogtags like a talisman. Oh, well, I
thought, a little hero worship never hurt anyone. He had saved her
life, after all.
When Logan returned, though, I started feeling real different about
him. Since Rogue and I had been dating for a while, and I felt we
were "an item" (silly, but that's how I thought of it), the hero
worship wasn't so cute anymore.
The timing of his return couldn't have been more annoying, for one
thing. I tell you, sometimes almost kissing Rogue is as exciting as
kissing anyone else would be, and we were in the middle of one of our
best almost kisses when that damned motorcycle drove up. And she was
gone from the couch without a backward glance.
The first real hard look I got at The Wolverine was that day in the
foyer, seeing him with his arms around Rogue and his face in her
hair. I felt sick in my stomach instantly, seeing how hard and long
she hugged him and how her right foot actually left the ground like
in one of those old-fashioned movie kisses
It made me scared and
angry and hurt and defensive, and made me freeze Logan's hand in a
stupid show of temper when we were introduced. Yeah, right, like I
was trying to intimidate him? I think I almost made him laugh
Yeah, he didn't see me as any threat at all, it was written all over
his face that I was just an amusing kid. And then he pretty much
flat-out asked us about our sex life?!?! That was below the belt,
seeing as only ten seconds before he had come about as close to sex
with Rogue as I ever had
I was getting my hackles up for sure, but
at the same time his confidence really threw me for a loop and I was
just getting all confused and didn't know what to do or say. I
choked out something stupid like "We're working on that".
Rogue was real happy that Logan was back. She started retelling some
of her favorite "me and Logan" stories until I got real tired of
them. I felt so unable to compete with those stories
I mean, she's
not going to sit around and tell excited stories about the boy who
went out for ice cream with her, or the boy who had a snowball fight
with her, or the boy who got an A in history, now is she? But her
Logan stories just light her all up.
I was thinking just that when Logan walked into the kitchen that
fateful night looking for beer. He was not who I wanted to see, but
we ended up sitting there rather comfortably, almost chatty. I let
that little line slip about how he looks at Dr. Gray I wanted to
get him talking about her, see if the flirting with her was more than
just a game. But that look he gave me and his tone when he
said "Excuse me?" stopped me in my tracks.
Remember when we were standing in the foyer and he asked that rude
question about me and Rogue's sex life? Why didn't I give him a
look like that and say "Excuse me?" in a voice that would stop him in
his tracks? Boy, in that one look and those two words that he gave
me in the kitchen, any power struggle between me and Logan was OVER.
He had won hands down, by proving that he could ask me embarrassing
questions but when I tried to turn the tables I couldn't do it. I
might as well have bared my throat to him or stuck my butt in the air
to acknowledge him as alpha male, damn it.
But I had never even been in a real fight, I really was just a kid.
I didn't blame him for finding my behavior amusing and my desire for
Rogue inconsequential. I still don't blame him, but it sure hurts.
It hurts and is insulting that he feels that way, and it hurts ten
times as much that Rogue probably feels that way too.
But back to my story
That night in the kitchen, after my stupid
question and resulting humiliation. Back to when all hell broke
loose at the mansion.
When the fighting started, all I could do was duck behind the
counter. I don't consider that cowardice, I mean after all, there
were bullets flying around the kitchen almost immediately. My normal
high school life [well, normal mutant high school life] was instantly
turned into a war zone. Nothing in my life had prepared me for the
noise, the terror, the glass [the everything] shattering around me
and The Wolverine in combat.
Oh, yeah, Logan disappeared and only The Wolverine was in that
kitchen then. He had begun to change the second his head tilted
toward the sounds I couldn't hear. His stance shifted and his eyes
narrowed, and then he sniffed the air and what he smelled made the
claws come out. I had not seen them before, although they had been
explained to me. Seeing them was a shock, but the real shocker came
a minute later as I watched frozen while Wolverine roared and threw
himself at [into] the man with the gun.
I'll never forget that roar, filled with more rage than I'd ever
imagined. Rage I could at least sort of understand, but that roar
was also filled with
well, a sort of exhileration, a thrill at
coming completely unhinged, a sick pleasure in the kill. I couldn't
see Wolverine's face as he impaled the man against the refrigerator,
I just saw his back while he stood for a moment with his claws still
embedded in his victim, shaking violently. Then he thrust his claws
further in and up into the man, and yanked them out, and turned
slightly toward me.
I saw his face then, and he looked completely insane. He was
heaving and shaking, his nose flared, he was half-crouched with his
arms and claws at the ready, and for a few seconds he looked sideways
at me with his head lowered and his eyes full of hate, and I was
truly afraid that he was going to kill me right there.
This is one of the GOOD GUYS?!?!? I thought. I mean, the man with
the huge gun had been scary as hell, but Wolverine was something else
again. I couldn't believe I had been sitting there drinking a soda
with Logan a few minutes earlier, that my hand had come within an
inch of his knuckles when I took the bottle from his hand to cool it
I couldn't believe this was the man Rogue trusted so much.
A bit of reason came back into Logan's eyes, and presently he
resheathed his claws. Even recovered his powers of [minimal] speech
to ask "You alright?". I squeaked out an answer that was not really
the truth "Yes."
The rest of our escape from the mansion was just one long nightmare
of running through corridors, first looking for Rogue and then
looking for a way out. THEY seemed to be everywhere we turned, and
students were running in all directions, and many bodies were
sprawled on the floor, and in many places there was blood on the
walls or carpet.
During all the chaos, we saw Logan kill many men. We never would
have made it out without him. The killing was horrible, as killing
must always be, but Logan's fighting in the corridors of the mansion
was also something beautiful. It was controlled, it was graceful,
and it was silent. Many of the men he killed probably never knew he
was there except for the six blades slicing through them. The
Wolverine did not surface, there was never the insanity I had seen in
the kitchen, never the triumphant roar, never the fear in my mind
that he would turn on us too.
I have tried to explain what I saw in the kitchen to Rogue a few
times over the months, tried to tell her that there is another part
to Logan that she has not seen, tried to explain to her how much he
scared me [yes, even at the risk of looking weaker in her eyes]. I
know he saved us, I know he saved Rogue before and after that night
but I can't completely trust him like she can, not after what I saw.
I can't help but fear for her, that something will happen and she
will trust him too much, and in the heat of battle [passion] he will
turn into The Wolverine and just for a split second not recognize
her. A split second's all it would take.
Rogue won't hear me, though not really hear me - when I tell her
that. He's her hero and she believes he would never hurt her.
Life has gone on, other battles have happened. People have died on
both sides. I can not see the world the way I saw it a year ago.
Now there are much bigger issues in my world than classes and grades
and whether I can kiss Rogue. Kissing Rogue is still a big one,
though, of course.
I love Rogue. She's my first love, but I know she won't be my last
because I know I am losing her already. Hell, I lost her before I
had her, I know that.
Sometimes I hate Logan. When he looks at her in a certain way and
she doesn't mind. When she leaves me to go to him as though it were
only natural. When he sees me for the sorry love-struck teenager
that I am. I'm growing up, but I'm never going to be him. I don't
think I'd want to be him, really. There are a lot of ways to be a
man - I know that and I have no problem liking myself for the man I'm
The man I'm turning into knows that if Rogue doesn't call it off
soon, I will have to do it myself. Because there is not a thing or
person in this world that I would not fight for Rogue
Wolverine. I won't fight him. Why? There would be no point in
fighting him. They belong to each other, it's as plain as that.
God help them.