The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Ororo Munroe
- Author's Note: Disclaimer in part one. Hey, look! Story!
The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Ororo Munroe
by Troll Princess
Professor and Jean off to Washington, but didn't get a chance to say
goodbye, as have been stuck in linen closet for past ten minutes. However,
have no doubt that someone will notice I'm gone and come looking for me in
TWO HOURS LATER
Three bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles of --
Hmm. Why do I smell pudding?
V. bad news, as was nearly drowned in locked linen closet with pudding
pumped in through upper crack in door. If there's possibly a more
embarrassing way to die, honestly don't know what it could be.
On the other hand, may be eligible for notoriety of Darwin Award nomination.
Near-death experience by light midday snack suddenly has an upside. Go,
Ugh. Reek of tapioca. In desperate need of hot shower and shampoo.
Ack! Shower a total disaster! Someone apparently replaced expensive salon
shampoo with Nair. Fancy new hairdo now lying on bathroom floor, which is
extraordinarily disconcerting, as *I* am downstairs in the living room
looking for a phone book.
Have to leave for Canada in ten minutes. So, am in desperate need of wig
store within five minute's drive. Either that, or may be forced to raid
Professor's amazingly extensive hat collection.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Woohoo! At least seven Party City stores stocked for Halloween on direct
flight path from Westchester to Canada. First question about unscheduled
pit stop or Carmen Miranda fruit hat out of Scott, and may finally get to
see whether or not centrally located rain of toads within my abilities.
Have returned from Canada with twitchy teenager and sexy lumberjack-type.
Have done superhero team math, and with Professor as chaste mentor and Scott
and Jean engaged, have apparently found myself a new source of barely
repressed sexual tension. V. good news, indeed!
Have had to shoo half of the school's population away from unconscious
quasi-boyfriend. Caught snooping maid lurking nearby in med-lab constantly
licking her lips as she vacuumed. Cannot expect me to buy her lousy
excuses, as med-lab not even carpeted, for crying out loud.
Also, now suspect Jubilee behind Nair shampoo job. Yammering minx had the
gall to ask why I was wearing an albino skunk on my head. Jubilee now
flunking history. Ha!
Yay! Unconscious prospective boyfriend now awake and ready to go with me to
Hey. Hey, why's he staring at Jean like that?
V.v. bad news, as unconscious prospective boyfriend apparently has the hots
for Jean. Life officially unfair, as Jean has perfectly acceptable boytoy
in pansy fiance.
Am getting extraordinarily frustrated, as either have to be Rogue or Jean in
this joint to get any action.
Out of desperation, sat on Professor's lap between classes and offered to
jump-start his spine the fun way. Unfortunately, Professor too busy staring
at Piotr's rippling pectorals and mumbling something about bald men in big
chairs to care v. much.
Oh, yeah. Life *definitely* unfair.
Yay! Rogue spooked off by spare Bobby I didn't even know we had. On the
downside, Professor insists Scott and I go find her. Have no idea why he's
making *me* go, as Rogue's ability to attract men bound to suck Scott into
the train station from the parking lot.
See?! Ten minutes in train station and Rogue attracted Logan, Magneto,
Sabertooth, and Toad. For someone who doesn't like touch, she certainly
seems to get a hell of a lot of it.
As if that weren't bad enoough, Professor had me start investigating strange
condiment phenomenon in mansion's closets as soon as I got home. No wonder
I never get laid.
Eww! Forced to hold hand of gooey gelatinous senator beefore he went
kerplooey all over the med-lab. Only upside the jerk's last-ditch effort to
cop a feel before he exploded.
Now covered in sticky Senator Kelly bits. May *never* stop changing
V. good news, as have helped save island full of politicians from Magneto's
nefarious plan. However, not all that happy, as none of *them* bothered to
try at last-minute grope on me.
Did get to kick some serious ass on Toad in statue's gift shop. Go, me!
Was feeling really cool and tough right up until I delivered snarky final
line. Could have sworn parting shot sounded so much funnier in my head.
Also, think wig glue loosened by fierce battle. May have to resort to
Superglue if this keeps up.
Logan off to Canada to search for clues to his past. Perfect timing, if you
ask me, as constant bickering between he and Scott starting to sound like
thinly veiled lover's quarrels. Almost glad he rode out of here on Scott's
Hmm. Just reread last sentence and blanked out "bike" in my head. Squirmy
mental image now stuck in my head and possibly may never leave.
Oh, yeah. *Definitely* perfect timing.
Huh. Could have sworn I had an African accent. Well, okay, most of the
*Some*. Some of the time.
Oh, come on! Give me just a little credit here!
V. bad news, as was about to leave for hairdressers to get new wig when damn
ratty thing got caught in ceiling fan and chopped to bits. Was going to
race to the salon at record speeds, but hairstyle starting to grow on me.
Hey! Stop laughing!
Off to New York City on school trip to museum. V. good indeed, as class
trips always a guaranteed good time.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Okay, next person to ask me what it was like to co-star in "The Flintstones"
gets struck by lightning.
Have gone to Boston to get attempted Presidential assassin. Huh.
Attempted Presidential assassin actually kind of cute. Granted, cuteness
lies in uncanny resemblance to evil blue Popple, but *still*.
Oh, *perfect*. Evil blue Popple hitting on me. Average type of man I
attract now on level with carnies, "Jerry Springer" guests, and Smurfs.
V. good news, as was allowed to show off in plane chase with F-16s by
setting up instant Tornado Alley. Am v. proud of myself, as twenty
tornadoes in fifty-mile radius obviously safest route to help in escape.
Children saved. Soldiers dead. Dam breaking. Major competition for
attentions of mansion's male population currently outside plane about to
drown. Trying desperately to find a downside to any of this --
Oh, come on! Man-hogging martyr cannot possibly be allowed to get snippy
during touching death scene, can she? Sheesh ...
Overheard Scott and Logan having touching shoulder-to-cry-on scene outside
Professor's office. Was going to offer myself up for comfort, as was lucky
enough to be born with two shoulders, one for each grieving hottie.
Unfortunately, touching shoulder-to-cry-on scene in hall followed
immediately by angst-ridden grope session between Scott and Logan in linen
closet. Argh! Have had enough. Desperately need to change clothes. And
And find enough tapioca to fill a linen closet.
Flavor of the Moment (http://flavor_of_the_moment.blogspot.com) --
Because sometimes, leaving your brain at home is a good thing.
"If Edgar Allan Poe were alive today, his agent would be constantly slapping
him upside the head with tightly rolled copies of his brilliant short
stories and novelettes, yelling, 'Full-length novels, you moron! Pay
attention! What's the matter with you -- are you shooting heroin or
something? Write for the market! No more of this midlength 'Fall of the
House of Usher' crap" -- Dean Koontz
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