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The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Ororo Munroe

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  • Jennifer Matarese
    Author s Note: Disclaimer in part one. Hey, look! Story! ************************************************** The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Ororo Munroe by
    Message 1 of 1 , May 21 7:44 AM
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      Author's Note: Disclaimer in part one. Hey, look! Story!

      The Xavier Mansion Diaries: Ororo Munroe
      by Troll Princess

      DAY ONE

      Professor and Jean off to Washington, but didn't get a chance to say
      goodbye, as have been stuck in linen closet for past ten minutes. However,
      have no doubt that someone will notice I'm gone and come looking for me in
      no time.


      Three bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles of --

      *sniff, sniff*

      Hmm. Why do I smell pudding?


      V. bad news, as was nearly drowned in locked linen closet with pudding
      pumped in through upper crack in door. If there's possibly a more
      embarrassing way to die, honestly don't know what it could be.

      On the other hand, may be eligible for notoriety of Darwin Award nomination.
      Near-death experience by light midday snack suddenly has an upside. Go,

      Ugh. Reek of tapioca. In desperate need of hot shower and shampoo.

      DAY TWO

      Ack! Shower a total disaster! Someone apparently replaced expensive salon
      shampoo with Nair. Fancy new hairdo now lying on bathroom floor, which is
      extraordinarily disconcerting, as *I* am downstairs in the living room
      looking for a phone book.

      Have to leave for Canada in ten minutes. So, am in desperate need of wig
      store within five minute's drive. Either that, or may be forced to raid
      Professor's amazingly extensive hat collection.


      Woohoo! At least seven Party City stores stocked for Halloween on direct
      flight path from Westchester to Canada. First question about unscheduled
      pit stop or Carmen Miranda fruit hat out of Scott, and may finally get to
      see whether or not centrally located rain of toads within my abilities.


      Have returned from Canada with twitchy teenager and sexy lumberjack-type.
      Have done superhero team math, and with Professor as chaste mentor and Scott
      and Jean engaged, have apparently found myself a new source of barely
      repressed sexual tension. V. good news, indeed!

      DAY FOUR

      Have had to shoo half of the school's population away from unconscious
      quasi-boyfriend. Caught snooping maid lurking nearby in med-lab constantly
      licking her lips as she vacuumed. Cannot expect me to buy her lousy
      excuses, as med-lab not even carpeted, for crying out loud.

      Also, now suspect Jubilee behind Nair shampoo job. Yammering minx had the
      gall to ask why I was wearing an albino skunk on my head. Jubilee now
      flunking history. Ha!

      DAY FIVE

      Yay! Unconscious prospective boyfriend now awake and ready to go with me to

      Hey. Hey, why's he staring at Jean like that?


      V.v. bad news, as unconscious prospective boyfriend apparently has the hots
      for Jean. Life officially unfair, as Jean has perfectly acceptable boytoy
      in pansy fiance.

      DAY SIX

      Am getting extraordinarily frustrated, as either have to be Rogue or Jean in
      this joint to get any action.

      Out of desperation, sat on Professor's lap between classes and offered to
      jump-start his spine the fun way. Unfortunately, Professor too busy staring
      at Piotr's rippling pectorals and mumbling something about bald men in big
      chairs to care v. much.

      Oh, yeah. Life *definitely* unfair.


      Yay! Rogue spooked off by spare Bobby I didn't even know we had. On the
      downside, Professor insists Scott and I go find her. Have no idea why he's
      making *me* go, as Rogue's ability to attract men bound to suck Scott into
      the train station from the parking lot.


      See?! Ten minutes in train station and Rogue attracted Logan, Magneto,
      Sabertooth, and Toad. For someone who doesn't like touch, she certainly
      seems to get a hell of a lot of it.

      As if that weren't bad enoough, Professor had me start investigating strange
      condiment phenomenon in mansion's closets as soon as I got home. No wonder
      I never get laid.


      Eww! Forced to hold hand of gooey gelatinous senator beefore he went
      kerplooey all over the med-lab. Only upside the jerk's last-ditch effort to
      cop a feel before he exploded.

      Now covered in sticky Senator Kelly bits. May *never* stop changing

      DAY NINE

      V. good news, as have helped save island full of politicians from Magneto's
      nefarious plan. However, not all that happy, as none of *them* bothered to
      try at last-minute grope on me.

      Did get to kick some serious ass on Toad in statue's gift shop. Go, me!
      Was feeling really cool and tough right up until I delivered snarky final
      line. Could have sworn parting shot sounded so much funnier in my head.

      Also, think wig glue loosened by fierce battle. May have to resort to
      Superglue if this keeps up.

      DAY TEN

      Logan off to Canada to search for clues to his past. Perfect timing, if you
      ask me, as constant bickering between he and Scott starting to sound like
      thinly veiled lover's quarrels. Almost glad he rode out of here on Scott's

      Hmm. Just reread last sentence and blanked out "bike" in my head. Squirmy
      mental image now stuck in my head and possibly may never leave.

      Oh, yeah. *Definitely* perfect timing.


      Huh. Could have sworn I had an African accent. Well, okay, most of the

      *Some*. Some of the time.

      Oh, come on! Give me just a little credit here!


      V. bad news, as was about to leave for hairdressers to get new wig when damn
      ratty thing got caught in ceiling fan and chopped to bits. Was going to
      race to the salon at record speeds, but hairstyle starting to grow on me.

      Hey! Stop laughing!


      Off to New York City on school trip to museum. V. good indeed, as class
      trips always a guaranteed good time.


      Okay, next person to ask me what it was like to co-star in "The Flintstones"
      gets struck by lightning.


      Have gone to Boston to get attempted Presidential assassin. Huh.
      Attempted Presidential assassin actually kind of cute. Granted, cuteness
      lies in uncanny resemblance to evil blue Popple, but *still*.


      Oh, *perfect*. Evil blue Popple hitting on me. Average type of man I
      attract now on level with carnies, "Jerry Springer" guests, and Smurfs.


      V. good news, as was allowed to show off in plane chase with F-16s by
      setting up instant Tornado Alley. Am v. proud of myself, as twenty
      tornadoes in fifty-mile radius obviously safest route to help in escape.
      Good plan!


      Children saved. Soldiers dead. Dam breaking. Major competition for
      attentions of mansion's male population currently outside plane about to
      drown. Trying desperately to find a downside to any of this --


      Oh, come on! Man-hogging martyr cannot possibly be allowed to get snippy
      during touching death scene, can she? Sheesh ...


      Overheard Scott and Logan having touching shoulder-to-cry-on scene outside
      Professor's office. Was going to offer myself up for comfort, as was lucky
      enough to be born with two shoulders, one for each grieving hottie.

      Unfortunately, touching shoulder-to-cry-on scene in hall followed
      immediately by angst-ridden grope session between Scott and Logan in linen
      closet. Argh! Have had enough. Desperately need to change clothes. And
      get drunk.

      And find enough tapioca to fill a linen closet.

      Flavor of the Moment (http://flavor_of_the_moment.blogspot.com) --
      Because sometimes, leaving your brain at home is a good thing.
      "If Edgar Allan Poe were alive today, his agent would be constantly slapping
      him upside the head with tightly rolled copies of his brilliant short
      stories and novelettes, yelling, 'Full-length novels, you moron! Pay
      attention! What's the matter with you -- are you shooting heroin or
      something? Write for the market! No more of this midlength 'Fall of the
      House of Usher' crap" -- Dean Koontz

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