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Fic: Through My Eyes: In the Ballance 6/7

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  • Autumn <autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com>
    Title: In the Balance Series: Through My Eyes 6/7 ** Disclaimer in Part One ** Previous Parts can be found at: www.autumnpenguins.com *************** Change.
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 3, 2003
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      Title: In the Balance

      Series: Through My Eyes 6/7

      ** Disclaimer in Part One **

      Previous Parts can be found at:

      www.autumnpenguins.com

      ***************

      Change. The one word that unites all of humanity. It can bring hope
      or sorrow to those affected. We learn from it, or we regret what we
      could have done. There are always those could have, and would have
      beens that haunt us. I know they are there because I can feel them
      all around me. I see it in Jean's face, I hear it in Rogue's voice,
      and I sense it in Scott's walk. Charles himself radiates conflict and
      he is struggling in which direction to turn towards.

      They are all going through their own personal struggles just as I am.
      It's amazing that we all inhabit the same house and the same grounds
      but we're in such different spaces at this time. We all hurt in
      different ways, and there's so much sorrow in the air that even those
      who weren't involved can feel the weight of our personal burdens.
      Emotions are so thick in the air, and there is great confusion. Its
      no wonder that the children can tell what happened was bigger than
      the few details they heard about.

      There are six main emotions floating around here, and though we all
      feel a bit of everything, we can all be associated with one of them.
      Jean is both the hardest and the easiest to identify. She has been
      walking around these past few days to stay busy. It's a brilliant
      disguise she is busy most of the time anyway so most people will not
      notice at face value that she is not herself. But on the staff wing
      its different. Jean is awake late into the night. I can hear her in
      the empty room she has taken up residence in. She and Scott have
      shared the same room now for six years, watching her move out was a
      shock.

      Jean is preoccupied with what might have been. She knows that Scott
      would have blasted Magneto to kill him, and by default Rogue. But she
      wonders if he could have and would have done the same if it were her
      in that machine. I believe that she knows in herself that the answer
      is yes. It hurts my heart to see Jean in such a painful place. She
      and I have known each other for 15 years and I have never seen her so
      devastated. It is the only appropriate word to describe her state.
      She is conflicted, angry, sad, confused, scared and disappointed. But
      mostly she is devastated.

      Scott is of course the center of Jean's world. He has been there for
      her and supported her, and the vice versa for him. But now he is in
      such agony and he's scared that he's about too loose her. Scott has
      weathered more than anyone should have to face at his age. He found
      happiness with Jean after so many years fraught with loss and
      hardship. Charles embraced him into the school and the cause
      immediately. Scott was groomed for the part of team leader ever since
      the idea formed in Charles mind.

      He had born the burdens that leadership brings, long before the X-Men
      were fully formed. Being a leader has become immersed into his
      personality. It affects him in every area, at times it seems like he
      forgets to relax, but Scott has always been intense. It's why I hate
      to see him like this. Full of regret, and utterly lost. Jean has been
      as much a part of him as leadership has. We all know that she is his
      world. And the two things which Scott holds most dearly, his role as
      a leader and his love for Jean have been pitted against each other
      with reprocutions that we didn't anticipate. He's feeling it now
      though. You can see it in everything he does. His posture is so tense
      nowadays, as if even his body is refusing to give him a brake. He
      knows as well as I do that his relationship with Jean is hanging in
      the balance, and no matter what happens, a change will surely take
      place.

      Rogue is also dealing with a heavy load. Yet she is taking all the
      events in stride and handling the trauma with remarkable resilience.
      The only time I see her truly sad is when she fingers what appear to
      be tags around her neck. She has not told anybody what they are, or
      what significance they have too her. For the first few days she
      displayed many characteristics from the three personalities fighting
      for dominance inside her head. Sometimes she was Logan; sometimes she
      was Magneto, and fewer still she was herself.

      Jean worked hard to stabilize Rogue, which was a double challenge, as
      she had no psychology or psychiatry experience. She stayed down there
      for nearly two days torn between jealousy and her instinct to help.
      Luckily the latter won out and Jean treated Rogue with the best of
      her ability. Since then, the young woman has attempted to shift
      through the situation on her own terms. Pain, confusion, bitterness
      and hope can be seen fighting on her features. But there are deeper
      feelings which she is choosing not too reveal other than to seal them
      off with resignation. For what happened, for herself or one of us we
      do not know. It's neither a hopeful look, nor a pained look when I
      glimpse it, but it is there. I am not worried about her; I think
      she'll manage just fine by herself. I only wish the rest of us had
      the grace to carry it off.

      Charles' emotions are all over the scale. He feels angry, sad,
      responsible, and many more things for how this all went down. He is
      angry with himself for what may be the destruction of Jean and
      Scott's relationship, but he feels that he was in the right to bring
      the topics of sacrifice up with Scott in the first place. In a way he
      does have a point, Scott is the leader, but on the other hand he
      loves Jean and Scott like they are his children and he would be
      heartbroken if anything happened to them.

      His relationship with Erik has been a sore point now for a long time,
      but I sense that he is finally contemplating ending it. They may not
      be lovers, but they are in love and a healthy love is the hardest to
      break off. Though we may not approve of whom Charles bestows his
      intimate affections on, we love him and we will support him as his
      family. But there is duplicity in our roles as family and X-Men.
      Scott was right when he brought up what our feelings on the matter
      were. It hurt Charles, but it was necessary. He realizes that, and I
      know whatever decision he makes it won't be an easy one, and it will
      affect all of us. I myself feel torn and saddened. That one event
      could cause such havoc on our lives. One man could nearly two of us,
      not too mention all the people at the conference. Because of this I
      have too see two people whom I love most in the world suffer so much.
      It angers me, and it makes me terribly sad in one fell swoop. I don't
      believe in hate. It wastes too much energy and gets you nowhere. But
      if I chose to hate one person it would be Magneto.

      As mutants we have all suffered hardships that are unique to our
      plight. Erik has seen things that none of us could imagine in our
      worst nightmare. That doesn't excuse his behaviors. He has chosen a
      path of blood that hurts anybody who crosses his path. He feeds off
      of Charles' information and his attentions. I do now doubt that he
      loves him, but Erik is capable of manipulating anyone and everyone.

      I still don't know where my role in all of this falls yet. As a
      woman, as a member of humanity, a mutant and an X-Men. Its all
      complicated and too complex too sum into a few simple words. Emotions
      are easier. They are constant and we feel them at all times, for good
      or for ill. At the moment I can feel pain, and fear, and worry. There
      is no rest in this time or worry. Too many elements are in the air,
      and too many things left unfinished. I can only hope that things will
      come to a head soon and we will see change. It will do us all some
      good to have things settled even if it comes out as negative. The
      waiting is the hardest part.

      TBC...
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