The lump on Logan's chest grew for each step he took towards
Xavier's room. He was really not feeling ready for this. He
want to look into Charles' eyes. Not now, and not ever. But he
Logan did not hurry, but tried to walk as slowly as he could to
postpone the ordeal. But he knew it was futile. So he kept on
While he walked he thought of what he would say once he was face to
face with the professor. Would he repeat what he had told Jean and
Rogue? "I didn't mean to, I freaked out."
What would Charles answer to that? "No, Logan, I believe you,
Erik stays beaten and unconscious, no matter if you meant it or not,
or if you are sorry."
So actually it didn't matter. But what else could he tell than
truth, and the truth *was* that he had lost control.
Jean had said that Charles would be understanding and forgiving.
But did it matter either? The only thing that actually made any
difference was if Magneto recovered. And what if he didn't? It
all too frightening thought.
Logan wasn't sure where to go to find Charles. To his office,
his private bedroom? Jean hadn't told him where to go, but he
Charles was currently too upset to work, so he was presumably in his
Logan headed there, although he hoped no one would be there when he
For a while he just stood completely still outside the dark wooden
door to Charles Xavier's bedroom, without knowing what to do. His
mind was blank. Then he slowly raised his hand and knocked on the
Charles sat in the sofa with a warm teacup in his hands when the
heard the knockings. He knew whom it was despite he hadn't felt
approaching before he knocked.
He had not dressed to face the day, nor had he made himself ready
for a new workday, and he wasn't likely going to. Maybe he would
sit here all day, clad in a pyjama and a robe? He felt like it, at
least. The only thing he was interested in, was Erik's condition,
he had not asked Jean, afraid of the answer he might get.
Beside him in the sofa, sat Storm. She had stayed with him last
night, to take care of him, since both Jean and she had been
determined not to leave him alone. He had barely slept at all during
Charles hardly reacted when he first heard the knockings, but Storm
did. She put her arm around his shoulders, and said gently,
- Don't you want to see anybody? If you don't, I can answer
tell them to get back later. Shall I do that?
Charles shook his head quietly and almost imperceptibly.
- No, Ro... he murmured. It is Logan... I have to talk to him...
- You don't have to, Storm began.
- No, but I want to, Charles replied and lifted his head. We have
to sort this out. Now would be a good time.
- Alright, Storm said with a nod.
Charles told, in a little louder voice this time, Logan to come
Logan almost considered giving up and going away, when he heard
Charles' voice from inside room, telling him to come in.
Logan sighed and pushed down the doorknob. He assumed the door was
unlocked. It was, and he was free to enter. He saw Charles, sitting
slumped in the sofa, and Storm sitting beside him, rubbing her
mentor's back, and whispering him something that even Logan
grasp. Charles nodded slowly.
- You can leave us, Ro... he then said. Thank you for staying here
- You're welcome, Charles, Storm said seriously and stood up.
Before she left, she gave her mentor a kiss on his bald head.
- Perhaps I should go and tell the kids that all classes are
cancelled today, she suggested.
- That would be good.
- Okay. Let me know if you need me.
- Of course.
Storm left. When she passed Logan, she gave him a sad look, but
there was no anger or hatred in her eyes. Only grief.
The door closed behind her. Now Logan was alone with Xavier. For a
few seconds the two mutants just stared at each other. Charles, who
sat in the sofa, and Logan, who stood a few feet in front of him.
Logan was the first to lower his eyes. Charles began to speak.
- Maybe you would like to sit down, Logan? he asked and gestured at
the armchair standing to his right.
- No thanks, I'd rather stand, Logan said lowly.
- As you want.
It became quiet again. It was like neither of the two knew what to
say. Logan felt very bad. He could see that the other mutant's
were red and swollen, probably from crying. Charles must have cried
quite much yesterday evening, Logan thought.
- When did you get back? Charles asked.
- Late last night.
- Where did you go?
- Nowhere, really. I just wandered about without structure. Then I
realized I had nowhere to go, so I came back and went to the med-lab.
I spent the night there. Jean let me stay.
- You wanted to see me? Jean said you probably did.
- We have quite a lot to sort out, don't you think so, Logan?
- Yes, I think we have.
- Logan, why? Xavier said and looked straight into Logan's eyes
when he asked the question. Logan looked back into the other
bloodshot eyes and suddenly couldn't induce himself to say
At least not for himself.
- Oh, God, Charles, I don't know! he exclaimed and heard his
break. I really don't know! Why do you ask? I can't answer
Charles' face started to twitch. - I did not think... you were
capable of something like that, he said then. Why did you beat him?
He came to you to say he was sorry for you. I don't understand.
- I don't understand either, Charles. I just felt
To hurt him.
- How does it feel now? Charles asked gravely.
- Worse than ever before. If I just could undo it...
- Oh, Logan, I believe you, Xavier said in a soft voice. I know you
regret it. And I am grateful for that. But you hurt him. You hurt him
very badly... I don't hate you for it... I am just sad...
Charles put his hand to his mouth and his eyes became wet with
tears. Logan noticed his shoulders started shaking.
Oh my God! What shall I do? Logan thought. I can't just stand
and watch him break again. I can't. Seeing him now is almost
breaking my heart.
He looked around to look at something else than the crying Xavier.
His eyes landed on Charles' large bed. At once he thought of
Charles with Magneto the day before, when they had lain there, naked,
with their bodies entangled, kissing and touching each other.
Logan didn't know why, but the memory suddenly made him feel
He inhaled sharply and swallowed to get rid of the feeling. He knew
the mental image would never leave him alone.
- Do you think we are that disgusting? suddenly Charles asked.
Logan winced. - What?
- Erik and I. That is what you are thinking of. When you walked in
on us yesterday.
- No, I... Logan tried, but then remembered it was in vain. Xavier
had read his mind and knew how he felt. Denying it was useless.
- I didn't think you were like that, Logan, Charles said sadly.
thought you were more tolerant. Do you hate Erik that much? Is he
only a "fucking faggot kike", like you screamed last night,
Logan had no answer to that. He recalled he actually had screamed
that in fury last night, but now he regretted it. The reasons why he
disliked Magneto were not his origins or his sexuality.
- Yes, Erik is a Jew, and he is a homosexual, like I, and that is
something he can't help, Logan, Charles said. I thought you
understood that. What do you see me as, Logan? A crippled faggot?
- No! It was a reflexive denial. Despite he had found out that
Charles was a homosexual, his attitude toward him had not changed.
Charles was still his mentor, although Logan thought he had failed
them by taking Magneto as his lover.
- Logan, come here and sit down, said Charles and patted the seat
next to him on the sofa. Please.
Logan did what he asked, and sat down beside him. Charles looked
into his eyes again and spoke,
- Logan, he said seriously. I am very fond of you. In spite that
you are quite new here, you have become a team member, and I see you
as one of my protégés, like I do with Jean, Storm and Scott.
- Yes, I know, Logan said honestly. You've taken very good care
- I care about you all, Charles continued, but you have to
understand one thing. I love Erik. He is my twin soul. He has always
been. Ever since I first saw him. He is my beloved, Logan, just like
Rogue is yours.
- Is it true that you two have... long ago... Scott said that...-
Xavier nodded. - It is true, he said. We were together for over 25
years. As a couple. I am not ashamed of it. It was maybe wrong of me
not to tell you, Logan, but now you know it's true.
- And... now?
- I don't know, we were finding back to each other. We even
on going public with it, at the school, today... but... what if...
what if he dies...!
Xavier broke again and started to cry. The thought of maybe losing
Erik was unbearable to him. For a while Logan sat there, awkward and
irresolute, unsure of what to do. Then he let his feelings take over
and pulled Charles into his arms to hold him.
The paralysed old man gratefully leaned against Logan's broad
and let his tears flow. - Oh, please... he sobbed. Oh, please...!
- I'm sorry, Logan murmured and held Charles close. I am so
sorry... I hope he makes it. I do. Believe me, I do.
- I know, Logan. I hope so too.