The Charm Of A Woman
By Nadja Lee 19/8/2002
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: X-men and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set after the X-men movie.
Universe: Movie. ONLY movie!
Romance: Now that would be telling...
Summary: Logan, Scott, Xavier, Victor and Erik talk about loving a younger woman.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee@...
Sequel/series: Part of Thoughts which includes Tears On My Cheeks and Who Needs You Anyway?. This series doesnt have a continuing plotline but are stories written with the same flow and style. You therefore do not need to read the earlier stories, as they have nothing plotwise to do with this one.
Thanks to Estelle for Beta and being there for me
* * *
I cant remember havin ever met someone like her. Shes one of a kind. She makes me want to protect her, take care of her
..she makes me think of her needs before my own, something I havent done for a very very long time.
The love I see shinning in her eyes, such trust, such openness
..why did she choose me to give all that to? Shes better off without me. What can I give her, what can I offer?
Why did she choose me? What is this power she holds over me? Why cant I get her out of my mind? Why do I need to be with her? Why do I long to protect her and call her mine?
Shes not afraid of me; she doesnt judge me and she doesnt wish me to change. She loves me just like I am. Yet shes just a child. She doesnt know what she wants; Im too old for her, Im no good for her
On the other hand I hate when people tell me what to do or feel. Who am I then to make decisions for her? If shes old enough to love shes old enough to decide for herself. This is her decision and hers alone, no one can make it for her and who am I to argue with that? If she loves me, if she wants me
.why should I fight it when I want her too? Im not moralitys keeper; I leave that to someone else. If its me she wants, if all she ever wanted is to be with me
.then why should I fight it?
Ill return and ask her what she wants and whatever she chooses Ill respect. My heart wants her to say she wishes only to be with me so why should I listen to my head warning me to be noble? Me being noble has only brought her tears and heartache. No, Ill let her decide. And if lovin me is all she ever wanted then Ill let her because all I ever wanted was to find a love such as hers.
How can I ignore this? How can I look away? She looks at me with eyes filled with love and devotion
Ive never seen anyone look at me like that before. It makes me feel warm inside
warm and special.
She cares for me, she respects me, her touch is always kind even if its fleeting, her eyes always smile
.shes as pure as virgin-snow, acts like an angel and has eyes that shine like the star she carries around her neck.
Why did she choose me to give all her love to? I dont deserve it and I never will. She deserves the best and Ill never be that. Why me? Im not that handsome or brave yet in her eyes and through her words I see that she sees me as the prince; handsome and brave, kind and gentle.
If this were a fairytale we would ride off and live happily ever after. 100 years ago we could have lived happily ever after. Remember, Romeo and Juliet were just 16 when they married and their love was true though just as forbidden.
But today, in this time and age
so many kinds of love are forbidden, either by law or in the eyes of decency. Love between two people of the same sex or
like here, between an older man and a younger woman
forbidden and often labeled as wrong or even ungodly. Who decides these things? I dont know but thats the way things are.
No, this can never work. It must never be. For her sake
for my sake
.I must never let her know that I return her affection. She must never know that I dream of holding her in my arms and protect her from harm forever, that I wish nothing more than to be her knight. She can never know.
Modern life is great, modern women are strong but inside I wish for someone like her; sweet, kind, unspoiled
someone who I can talk to, someone who loves me and yes, someone who respects and admires me. Is that really so wrong? If all she ever wants is to love me like I long to be loved is it really so wrong?
No, she must never know. Im seven years older than her; Ive been her teacher for crying out loud. No, I cant tell. I cant say anything. We must remain as we are, barely touching, never speaking the words we think
.always hiding what we feel inside.
Ill do as society dictates, Ill do the right thing, the noble thing
.but at night, alone in the dark I think and I wonder
Then it happens that I wish I had been born 100 years ago because back then she could have been my bride as I wish her to be while today
..she must never know and Ill never see her in white.
The greatest loves are not the ones which play out on films or in books
..theyre the ones we never told anyone about. Theyre the ones which only ever existed in our hearts.
I saw her for the first time as a young girl. She was eight and already pretty and sweet. She grew up, I grew older and we met again. Our lives continued to interact until she came to live with me at my mansion. At first I told myself my interest in her was purely professional; she was a telepath like I and the first who had powers like mine that I had met. Then I told myself she was like a daughter to me, that was why I was so worried for her, that was why I appreciated her company so much, that was why I looked forth to every conversation weve ever had. With time Ive been forced to admit that this is not the love a father has for his daughter
I wish to see her happy but secretly I dont wish any of her dates to turn out well. At first when she started seeing Scott, the closest to a son Ill ever have, I was happy. My son and daughter were together. It all seemed to fit so perfectly. Maybe too perfectly. My mind became agonized as I began to realize I wished for her to break his heart and leave him
when I realized I even had to hold back on giving her some help in that department when I saw them kiss.
As time passes I see that theyve grown apart. Had I been any other man this would be my chance but I cant say anything. How could I? Everyone would think me perverted
God, this is tearing me up inside. Every smile she sends me warms and pains me, every kiss she plants on my cheek makes me long for more while the guilt at feeling that makes me turn away.
Shes a grown woman, shes over thirty. She can make her own decisions, shes strong and independent, a professional both in her field of medicine and with her powers. Had she wanted me to be more than what I am now she would have said so.
Yet I cant stop wanting, wishing and longing. Is my love really so forbidden? So wrong?
I love her, I cant help it and I cant stop it.
Shell never know how much I love her, just how deep my emotions run. Shell never know that I would do anything, anything at all for her.
Such sweet torture this is
..but torture none the less because shell never be mine.
The greatest pain isnt losing what you once had but being forced to remain a spectator when you long to be a player
..never holding, never having
Theres no sweeter torture
.theres no stronger pain
I want her. Shes beautiful yet thats not all. Theres something almost out of this world about her
I cant explain it.
Why didnt I just take her? I always take what I want. Why dont I just do that with her? Im not sure. I thought I wanted to hurt her, I thought her pain would bring me pleasure but the fear and disgust I saw in her eyes made me want to turn away.
For the first time I dont want to see fear in a womans eyes
I want to see love, trust
all that stuff. I want her to want me, to like me.
Its an impossible dream. Ive ruined it. Shell always fear me, always hate me. I cant recall anyone having ever loved me, having ever been concerned for me just for my sake. I find I wish to see that in her.
No, no. Its impossible. How could a beauty ever learn to love a beast because a beast I surely am? Ive done few things in my past that would make a woman like her happy or proud; I have nothing to offer her, no money, no future and barely a past. At least not a past worth remembering.
All I have is myself; scarred, hurt, angry
a man beast who has been first the abused and then the abuser to avenge what can never be avenged. A man more than one hundred years old
a man who tried to kill her and her teammates.
No, its impossible. Shes so fine and delicate. Like a Goddess she walks, no, she floats. She smells of flowers and sunshine and I who have to keep to the shadows due to my gothic looks.
She deserves so much better than me. What would I do with her in the first place? Carry her off and lock her up in a tower when I know shell only wish for her prince to come whoever he might be?
Its impossible yet still I dream. I thought I had lost the ability to dream somewhere between the pain, the agony, the beatings, the blood and the killings but she brought it back to me. I had forgotten how painful dreams could be when you know they can never come to pass. I dream of holding her in my arms, not by force but because she seeks my nearness. I dream of having her as my mate, of protecting her and taking care of her
of having her bear my cubs
small cubs wholl hopefully inherit their mothers beauty and grace.
Its an impossible dream. Shes a Goddess, even her name means Beauty. I will never be good enough for her. I could take her, I could force her but shes strong and would eventually escape me if not by her own powers then by help of her friends. Besides its not hate and fear I want to see in her eyes
.its love and trust.
The worst pain on Earth
is knowing your dream will never come to pass. Even after all Ive been through
.all the beatings Ive taken, all the humiliation, the torture, the agony
..all that is nothing compared to the pain I feel within now as I long for a Goddess whos out of my reach.
I took her in, I protected her
I never imagined she would end up loving me but she did. She hasnt said she does with words, thats not her style, but through her actions, her touch, her concern
I know she does.
I thought she had learned her lesson; love is for fools and brings only pain. How can she think Im the one worthy of her love? How can she think Ill even accept it?
.Everyone who has ever loved me has either died or turned away from me like Charles did. Cant he see Im trying to save us all?
Shes just a child, compared to me; shes just a child. She doesnt know what shes doing. I begin to wonder what reason weights most to her; does she stay with me because she agrees with my view on humans or because this is where I am?
I know she has suffered by human hands, I know her hate for them is great but is her hate dimming in the light of her growing love for me? If so what will that mean? Shes a valuable member of my team; I cant afford to lose her.
Im a leader for my people first and a man second but a man never the less. I cant belie I desire her, that I have feelings for her. She has always supported me and taken care of me. Towards me shes not a fighter or a modern woman; shes all mine and always there. Like a woman from my time, the kind of woman I want.
Her mind is a tortured mess of others dreams and images. Sometimes she doesnt remember who she is and Ill have to remind her, try and explain. Sometimes she hates how she looks in her natural form and will morph in and out constantly
one time I even caught her trying to cut off her blue skin with a knife. Other days her hate burns for the humans and not herself and shell love herself, proudly walk around in her own form, naked, head held high.
In many ways shes as confused and scarred as I am. She understands me when no one else does
. only she is allowed to see me when Im weak, when I dont know what to do, when memories consume me
only she has seen the scars on my body left as a constant reminder, like my tattoo, of my years in a KZ-prisoner camp. Only she knows of the nightmares that haunt me every night just like only I know of hers. Only she doesnt get lost inside my tortured mind just like only I dont get lost inside hers.
Yet dare I risk losing her as a warrior only to gain her as a lover? Do I dare risk losing her hate towards humans for her love for me? Is my happiness
worth more than what Im building here?
No, nothing is as important as what Im doing here. I have to save mutantkind from the humans. I have to make sure no other boy will ever be forced to see his parents be dragged away
I have to make sure that never happens to anyone again. I have to make sure no one else gets a number burned into their arm
and I dont get another.
Im doing this for her, for us, for all of us. I would rather die a thousand deaths than see her be dragged away, a number burned into her flesh. No, that must never happen.
Yes, I love her. I guess I always have and I always will but no one will ever know. For all of us
no one must ever know.
Of all the dreams Ive seen shattered the dream I carry in my heart of her and me together is the dream that pains me most to see broken and fading.
No, I wont let that happen. Ill do as I must
a dream is all Ill ever get but at least Ill have that dream. No, this dream Ill cherish; it will never fade or break.
No matter how painful unfulfilled dreams can be; often a dream is all you have and all youll ever get and little is always better than nothing.