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FIC: Games [Jean]

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  • the_chief_e
    Author: Elise citrus@pixigirl.nu Home: Asteroid http://asteroid.pitas.com Universe: X-Men Movieverse Pairing: Jean/Logan, Jean/Scott Style: Jean, first person
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 11, 2002
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      Author: Elise citrus@...
      Home: Asteroid http://asteroid.pitas.com
      Universe: X-Men Movieverse
      Pairing: Jean/Logan, Jean/Scott
      Style: Jean, first person POV
      Notes: I've always felt that there's more to Jean Grey then that
      sweet facade she keeps putting up. To my defense, I have to note that
      I am suffering from a rather nasty case of insomnia, and I really
      shouldn't be held responsible for what floats around in my head under
      these circumstances. Feedback and pointless e-mails are always
      appreciated.

      || Much, much later: OK, I found this little o' fic waiting in an old
      forgotten folder on my computer, I never got around to publish it
      when I wrote it. There are parts of it that I like, so I've decided
      to put it out to the world now. Excuse the poor grammar and spelling.
      It's never been edited. (I'm going to stop excusing myself now and
      let you get on with the story)

      *

      Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and realize he's not
      sleeping next to me anymore. He's standing by the window. And I sit
      up in his bed, and I watch him. Silently, without a word. Like I'm
      doing now, tonight. The first time must have been just weeks after I
      more or less moved into his room. Now, I wake up to this silent dream
      almost every night. I don't want to admit it, even to myself, but I
      know what it means. Logan's running again.

      I never say anything, but he knows I'm watching. For an eternity we
      stand, trapped in this deadlock, before one of us breaks the moment,
      with a breath too loud, or a sudden movement. And he'll turn around,
      and come back to me, embracing me, fucking me, and we'll pretend like
      it never happened. We'll pretend tonight too, but it's different this
      time. I can't explain how I know. His mind is shut to me when he
      doesn't let me in himself, and even then he only shows me what he
      wants me to see. But still, I know tonight is different. I think
      tomorrow he'll be gone. And I wonder, will he say goodbye, or will he
      leave us without a word this time, like before? It was just going to
      be sex. Screwing the Wolverine, to screw over Scott once and for all.
      I should have known I'd never be able to keep my body and mind apart.
      When you find yourself thinking thoughts that belong to somebody
      else, it's impossible to keep your distance. I don't know what it
      this is anymore. Do I love him? Does he love me? Does it make a
      difference? This game we're playing, where will it end?

      I'm using him. Using him to erase the image of Scott in my mind. But
      he's using me too. It's a game we play, trying to break each other
      down. This is how I get even with Scott for never putting up a fight.
      For backing down and letting me run over him. Oh, they all think I'm
      sweet, unselfish, perfect Jean. I've been her for so long. But deep
      down, I'm not what they see when they look at me. I hold grudges. I
      cling to the people I love, and I never let them go once they've come
      to close. It's a neverending struggle and I never lose. Logan doesn't
      give in, he fights back with all he's got, and we fight together. He
      never makes me feel guilty, because he never lets me win. This is the
      way we play, with sharp claws and teeth. Like it's been since the
      first time we met. He hunts me, and I let myself get caught, only to
      trap him in my mind once he least expects it. It's a game we play,
      and I know I've got my claws in him. He said so himself, like he
      knows that's what I do. We break each other down because we like the
      fight. Sometimes I wonder what will happen when one of us can't
      handle any more. When one of us loses, what will happen then?

      I remember the first morning we woke up together, before anyone knew,
      before none of us knew what we had started. He twirled a strand of my
      hair between his fingers.

      "Jeannie..."

      Not more than a whisper. I closed my eyes. I knew he was going to ask
      about Scott, about why I left him. But he silenced, and never asked
      again. He and Scott, they kept on with their silly games. Insults,
      sarcasm, name-calling. I think it was mostly because they didn't know
      how else to behave around each other.

      Scott, he still breaks my heart with a look. He's been miserable
      since I left him, I know, because so have I. I left him because he
      never played my game, because he's my best friend, and I'm never
      going to let anything destroy that. Maybe we were never supposed to
      be more than friends. A mistake from the beginning, that I let his
      young boy's crush ever turn into something more. And what hurts the
      more is that he still has hope in his mind. We've been living in each
      other's minds too long to hide anything, and I know what he feels.
      Oh, he hides the way he's feeling, even from himself, but I know.
      Ororo. He's turned to her after I left him, because he can't turn to
      me anymore. And that hurts on an even deeper level, because I've been
      his friend for so long. But not anymore. Maybe I was too late, maybe
      I let it all go on for too long. He confides in her now.

      I don't know what Ororo thinks. I hesitate in using my telepathy.
      Maybe I don't want to know. I know Scott won't move on, not as long
      as I have him in my grip. And I can't let go, not yet. I know what
      will happen if I do, and I'm not staying here to see it. I know I
      have no right to, but I hate them both for it. Maybe because I know
      it's for real, not just a game they're playing. Not like me and
      Logan. Maybe I could leave and go some place where no one knows me.
      Where I could just exist. But how could I leave the professor and the
      school. I can't abandon my responsibilites. Yet again, she is in my
      way.

      For six months now, tomorrow, we've been broken up. Six long months.
      It feels like yesterday. Logan came back the month after that, and it
      took us about oh, say two hours to get in bed. Frankly, I'm surprised
      we held out that long. I left Scott between one breath and another,
      and it had nothing to do with love. I gathered my clothes and books
      and moved out, I hardly realized what I was doing until I was done.
      My body moved at its own will. I think Scott yelled at me, but I
      couldn't hear him. It was as if my ears were filled with cotton, and
      I could only see his lips moving, watch his tense stature. He grabbed
      my arm before I left the room, so hard it left a bruise, and said
      something that my mind still couldn't register. I watched, from afar,
      his angry face, and I realized that he was crying behind his glasses.
      Something deep inside me told me that it was important that he did.
      Still, I couldn't react. He was talking to his fiancée, the
      perfect
      Jean Grey he knew and loved. I wasn't her anymore. I'd never be her
      again.

      "You're going through some kind of crisis, Jean! You're not acting
      like yourself!" My ears chose that moment to start functioning again,
      and Scott's words reached me when I was half-way down the hall. I
      could virtually feel the hurt in his voice so strongly I almost
      turned around right then, back to his arms and the comfort of his
      love.

      "Let me help you..."

      But I didn't turn around. He couldn't help me, not with this. I
      probably was going through a crisis. But this was the only way I
      could go. The woman he loved didn't exist anymore. I wonder if she
      ever did.

      Logan is standing by the window, and the moon shines up his face and
      his bare torso. Oh, how I love the way he looks at me, like he has
      seen my secrets, like he knows me. Like Scott used to, before it all
      became to old. Maybe I just stopped looking.

      I don't even have to use my telepathy to know that Logan is leaving
      again, running from ghosts only he can see. Is it part of the game,
      is it my move, or his? The way his lips quirk in the moonlight makes
      something stir inside, like it's my lips he's moving. And I'm certain
      that if I just stretch a bit further I'll understand it. I'll be able
      to touch him, for real. But I don't. Something's holding me back.
      Fear, I suppose. Fear of falling if I lean to far out.

      And I know he's leaving. Can I stop him? Do I want to? Maybe if I
      stretch out just a little longer I'll know. If I let go of those I've
      trapped, let go of my grip. Maybe I'll fall. But maybe that's the
      point. Maybe it's time we stopped playing our game, that's keeping us
      sparring at one place forever. I don't know how to stop, but maybe we
      can do it, together. If we dare to fall. As I walk to him, where he's
      standing by the window, I don't even know if I've made a decision, or
      what is going to happen. If we give up the game, what do we have
      left?

      As my hand touches his back, he shivers, but he doesn't draw back. I
      feel it in his tense muscles that he knows I'm making my decision, he
      knows this is were it begins for real. Without any pretences, without
      any plans, and without the game.

      - Let me go with youÂ… I whisper, and as the words leave my tongue
      I
      know it's too late to go back. I don't even want to.

      And finally, I let Scott go.

      *

      end.
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