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Fic: "Remembering Thoughts, Healing Hearts" R (1/1) [Logan/Scott, Xavier/Eri k]

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  • Nadja Lee
    Hi all, This continues from Broken Mind, Healing Hands which you can read here: http://www.dreamwater.org/scottsummers/fanfiction/BrokenMindHealingHands.htm
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 23, 2002
      Hi all,

      This continues from "Broken Mind, Healing Hands" which you can read here:

      Please read author notes and warnings before reading this story. Thanks.


      Remembering Thoughts, Healing Hearts
      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel , 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

      Timeline: Set after the movie.

      Universe: Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with it!

      Pairing: Scott/Logan, slight Jean/Ororo and Xavier/Eric

      Summary: Scott begins to remember….

      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...

      Rating: R

      Dedicated to: Jemisard with love

      Series/sequel: This story follows “Broken Mind, Healing Hands”. You need to read that story to get this one.

      Special thanks to my beloved friend Jemi. Without you I’ll never have written more Scott/Logan.

      This story is for Jemi, written for her and because of her. I hope you enjoy.

      This story is a tribute to Jemisard’s series ‘Lost Past/Highlands’ which you can read on my webpage “X-men Hero: Cyclops” in the Scott/Logan section. It was written out of love for that series and its author and with permission to do so.

      Author’s notes: I do not want to hear about political and medical inaccuracies. This was written out of love for Jemi and her work, nothing more. It was never meant to be a real story but I was asked to release it and so I do. Again remember this was written years ago and was never meant for the public eye. Hate it, fine with me but I don’t need to know that; I have enough going on and enough to fight with as is, I don’t need that as well. Love it, great and I’ll love to hear about it. *smiles*

      Author’s notes 2: The Canada mentioned here is post some mutant laws and discussions so it’ll never be like the Canada we have now because as far as I know there aren’t all that many mutants running around these days. And yes, Logan is smart in this one and as always I torture Scott terribly (more so than normally)…I actually think Logan’s rather intelligent and for once I wanted a Scott who had a breaking point and who had been pushed over it but in any case this is the situation in which I placed them. Accept it or don’t read it.

      Warning: Slash, mention of rape and torture.

      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta and kind encouragement.

      *mmmm * is telepathically thoughts spoken in the mind. “ mmmmm ” is spoken out loud.

      Part 1:

      * Logan, you want to drive with me to the general store?* Scott asked in his mind through the telepathic link Xavier had established between them. Scott walked from the house Logan owned and over the grass. He stopped a little away from Logan and admired his lover work as he cropped wood, his chest bare and pearls of sweat running down his skin. A wonderful view, Scott thought with a smile.

      * Sure. Why do you want to go to the store?* Logan sent back as Scott came to him and planted a kiss on his cheek before going to his bike. Logan had no trouble speaking as Scott did but didn’t want to remind Scott of what he had lost by speaking out loud in his nearness and so always sent his thoughts to him instead.

      Logan took a towel and wiped the worst sweat away before putting his shirt on. Scott started the bike and Logan got on behind him and held on tight as Scott whittled through the streets. Logan tightened his arms around the other man and pressed his body close to his. He liked the feeling of Scott in his arms. It made him feel like he was more ready to protect him. After what had happened last time he had let Scott out of his sight, he had vowed never to do so again and that vow he had kept. Scott didn’t leave the house they shared in Canada without him. When Logan had found Scott five years earlier, he had only been able to bring Scott’s mind back with the help of Xavier. After that, he and Scott had shared a time of bliss and they still did. Scott had wanted to return as team-leader of the X-men and when he had left Logan had went with him. He had kept the house in Canada and he and Scott would go there every semester break to have some privacy. Scott now slept in his bed and in his arms. Logan knew or at least suspected what Scott had been through but he himself did not. He had accepted Logan’s protective instincts to a degree but hadn’t wanted Logan to stay in his classes as Logan had tried to persuade him to. When Logan awoke with a scream in the night, Scott would hold him close and calm him down. He’ll have to reassure him time and time again that he was real and that he loved him. Scott thought Logan dreamt of the experiments made on him, he never guessed that Logan had nightmares of the torture Scott had been subject to. That in those dreams he saw it all and was unable to help. Or even worse; he saw Scott returning to the state in which he had found him, barely more than an animal.

      Part 2:

      * So, what are we buying?* Logan asked Scott as they walked around the store.

      * I was looking for something for dinner tonight. Any suggestions?* Scott asked as he put milk and bread in the shopping basket Logan was carrying.

      * You* Logan sent with a smile and caught Scott around the waist with his free hand and drove him into a kiss. Scott put his arms around his neck and ignoring the shocked bystanders, he deepened the kiss before releasing him.

      * Very funny but I meant before that. A steak? We could barbecue outside tonight. It is warm enough,* Scott sent as he looked in the deep freeze at the different cuts of beef.

      * Sounds good. How about these two?* Logan sent and took two nice pieces of meat up. Scott looked them over.

      * They look fine. I’ll go get some salad, then you can get the potatoes,* Scott answered and added when he saw Logan’s reluctance * Will you relax. I’ll just be two rows further down and I do know how to take care of myself. Mutant with deadly eyes and all, remember?* Scott sent with a smile and kissed Logan before running the other way. Logan looked after him before beginning to find the potatoes. He almost bumped into an older white couple who had watched Scott kiss him with a mixture of disgust and interest on their faces.

      “ Show’s over. Move,” Logan demanded harshly and brushed past them, his heightened hearing picking up on the usual things about “ People like that”. Logan grabbed the potatoes and went in search of Scott. It wasn’t that he doubted Scott’s abilities to defend himself but he just didn’t want to lose him. Couldn’t even bear the thought. He had lost him once because he hadn’t been protecting his mate properly and he’ll see to it that it never happened again.

      Logan turned a corner and found Scott standing with a salad in his hands, looking almost…like a statue. Frozen in a movement. Getting concerned Logan ran to him and touched his arm, turning him towards him.

      * Scott? What’s wrong?* Logan asked worried. Scott’s face was still expressionless as it had been when he and Xavier had connected all those years ago. Images ran through Scott’s mind so quickly he couldn’t catch even one of them. They were blurry and confused, making a mixture of sensations and feelings in his brain. Pain, fear and shame ran through him as images of men standing over him, bending towards him, cutting in him, kicking him, touching him reached his mind and left again. It was too much at once and Scott’s mind couldn’t handle it all.

      * Scott! Answer me, God damn it,* Logan sent confused and was beginning to panic. He had no fucking clue what was happening here and he didn’t like it one bit. All he could see was that his mate was in trouble and he should help but was unable to. Thinking back to when he had first found Scott again he realised that his sharp and panicked voice might scare him more than calm him. Fighting to get his fear under control Logan released Scott’s arm from his iron like grip. Forcing himself to a calm and gentle tone he sent;

      * Scott, I’m not going to hurt you. It’s me, Logan. Come back to me,* and put all his love and trust into those words as he let them reach Scott’s mind. He reached a hand up and softly stroked Scott’s cheek.

      * I need you, Scott. I love you. Come back to me* Logan sent in a whispered tone. He was afraid he’ll break down as well. He didn’t know what to do if Scott became lost to him again. He didn’t know if he could even live with that again. Seeing Scott break away from him in fright with no mind left. That wonderful, cutting and witty mind that he had come to love so much over the last years.

      *L….Logan?* Scott sent and his voice sounded confused as expression returned to his face and his hand completed his frozen motion as he put the salad into the basket.

      * Thank God you’re all right,* Logan sent relieved and hugged Scott close, never wanting to let go as his lips found his. As they drew apart he sternly added * Never do that again. Ever.*

      * I’ll love to promise that but to tell you the truth I don’t know what happened* Scott answered and a frown covered his brow. With a shake of his head he took Logan’s hand and they went to the counter.

      * Nothing at all? No images? No…feelings?* Logan probed and Scott shook his head.

      * No….* he seemed to concentrate and a look of sheer horror crossed his face before it quickly disappeared. * No, I can’t remember anything.*

      He turned his back to Logan and began putting their things on the counter. Logan watched him with concerned eyes. That meant that so far Xavier’s mental barrier was still holding but for how long? He needed to call Xavier. He couldn’t lose Scott now. He wouldn’t allow it.

      * You look so thoughtful* Scott commented as they walked from the store towards Scott’s motorcycle. They had added a luggage carrier on it some time ago so they could take the bike when they went shopping.

      * No, I’m….just thinking of Charles. I hope he and Eric can hold the fort till we get back,* Logan lied and took Scott’s hand in his. He had no doubt that they could take care of the school just fine while he and Scott were away. Eric and Charles had reached an understanding and Eric had moved in with Charles at the school. He still kept his house where they often went and he still led the Brotherhood but he didn’t hurt innocents anymore, only anti-mutant fanatics and racists in general. Charles didn’t like it but they had made a deal of never mixing their “ work” so to speak with their relationship. They had done that once before with killing results for their relationship. Neither wanted that to happen again.

      * I’m sure they can,* Scott sent as he stopped and put his arms around Logan’s neck. * This will help you loosen up,* he sent huskily as he pressed his lips to Logan’s. Standing with the bags in his hands Logan couldn’t put his arms around him so he just leaned in closer to make Scott deepen the kiss. When they broke apart both wore smiles. * Did it help?*

      * Some. Another would make me more sure, though* Logan sent with a smile and Scott was about to lean in again as Logan pushed him gently away. Scott looked surprised at him but when he saw the policeman coming towards them he understood.

      “ Good afternoon. I assume you two are aware of the law in this part of the country?” the policeman asked as he stopped before them.

      “ We fucking know and so what? We have a right to do what we like just like anyone else. I’ll…..” Logan growled angrily and took a step towards the policeman but Scott’s hand on his shoulder held him back.

      * Logan, don’t. I agree with you that it isn’t fair but we can’t change that. Not overnight anyway,* Scott sent in a calming tone. He turned his red glaze to the other man.

      “ Ho…how….much?” Scott asked pained. Logan stepped in front of him.

      “ Let me handle this. Don’t strain yourself,” Logan said gently to Scott before turning to the policeman again.

      “ So, you heard my mate. How much do we owe this fine town for corrupting the youth, blaspheming God or whatever you call this harassment?” Logan asked darkly and the man wrote a fine to Logan and gave it to him.

      “ If you live around here you must know the law by now. We do not tolerate such…..displays in public,” the man said with disgust and Logan’s eyes shot daggers at the man.

      “ Watch it. You are stepping on very thin ice here,” Logan warned and the danger was not to miss. Sure, Scott and him knew the law but in a moment of love and passion it was a little hard to remember that there were laws for mutants and laws for humans, laws for “normal” couples and laws for them.

      “ Goodbye,” the officer just said as he passed Logan and Scott, ignoring Logan’s threat. Logan looked with murder in his eyes after him.

      * He’s not worth it. Come, let’s go home,* Scott sent and they walked to his bike.

      Part 3:

      “ Do you know what time it is? Do you even know how to read the time, Logan?” Eric complained as he answered the phone. “ Is it a must for you to always wake people in the middle of the night?”

      “ Scott had to sleep first. Look, put Wheels on the line. It’s about Scott;” Logan demanded and couldn’t restrain himself from a little teasing at Eric’s behalf.

      “ How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t ever call…..,” Eric began threateningly.

      “ Eric, it’s alright. Let me talk with him,” Charles’ voice asked and the phone changed hands. Just his luck that Eric always answered the phone anyway. Maybe it stood at Eric’s side of the bed. If it did he’ll make sure to mention to one of them to put the phone at Charles’ side of the bed next he saw them.

      “ Yes? What is it? It is about Scott is it not? I thought I sensed a disturbance earlier today but your link with his mind has grown so strong that I wasn’t sure from where the disturbance came,” Charles said, concern in his voice.

      “ I’m not sure either but I think…I think he is beginning to remember again,” Logan admitted and instinctually looked to his and Scott’s bedroom door, fearing to hear the sound of breaking furniture any time soon.

      “ Remember? How?” Charles demanded to know.

      “ I don’t know. Why do you think I’m calling you?” Logan tried to calm his anger and panic. “ He doesn't remember anything now but earlier today…I think he got a kind of flashback or something.”

      “ I…..Has it happened before?” Charles sounded really worried now.

      “ You know damn well it hasn’t or I’ll have told you. Look, you told me he’d be safe. I trusted you. You fucking betrayed me. Worse, you betrayed him,” Logan growled, his voice holding a threatening edge.

      “ Give me that!” Eric’s voice said and the phone changed hands again. “ Now listen you insolent beast, Charles did all he could and you know that. He loves Scott very much. He’s the only son he has. I’ll NOT tolerate….”

      “ Eric, please calm down. Both of you,” Charles demanded and took the phone back. “ Logan, I did all I could. The mental block I put in his brain should have hold as long as your minds were connected which they still are. The only explanation I can think of is that the memories are so strong that they have to be released or he’ll break down.”

      “ Think a pot with boiling water. Sooner or later the water will boil over if not some of the heat is lessened,” Eric said in the background.

      “ My son is not a kitchen tool but Eric does have the general picture,” Charles said, a mixture of warmth and concern in his voice.

      “ Then…what do I do?” Logan asked. He didn’t like this. Not at all. He didn’t want Scott to relive that nightmare again and he himself didn’t want to either. He wasn’t sure if any of them could walk away from this as winners.

      “ You have to work through a few of his suppressed memories from his torture. Try and make it the less painful ones. If you succeed in reaching him….” Charles began.

      “ I’ll have released the pressure on the mental block and he still wouldn’t remember it all. His mind will remain unbroken,” Logan finished for him, knowing where he was going.

      “ Yeah,” he admitted.

      “ Shouldn’t you do this, Charles? Logan isn’t exactly known for his consideration,” Eric said in the background.

      “ In this matter I have to disagree with you, old friend. Logan is a totally different person with Scott than with everyone else. He’ll die before hurting him,” Charles said with certainty.

      “ Thanks for the confidence, Prof`” Logan said as he hung up.

      He went to the livingroom to read up on the psychology books he had bought five years earlier. He would get Scott back. He would not allow anything to ruin their relationship. Not now. He would make it work. He would make everything alright. This time, he would not fail. This time he would be by Scott’s side all the way, never letting him fall.

      Part 4:

      * So, you said you wanted to discuss something with me. What is it?* Scott asked the following evening as he lay in Logan’s arms on the couch in the livingroom, the fireplace casting a romantic light over the scene. Logan tightened his arms around the other man. He wished he didn’t have to do this. Didn’t have to force Scott to remember something. He wished he could have gone on in ignorance forever but it was better that he remembered a little now than remember all in a few months or years and then be lost to him forever.

      “ Scott, tell me what happened when you searched for me in Canada?” Logan asked softly into the stillness. He felt Scott stiffen in his arms before he relaxed again.

      * I….I can’t remember* Scott insisted but something in his tone made it clear to Logan that at least a part of him did remember.

      * It is dark, probably near midnight. You are driving your bike through a snow-covered landscape. You’re cold and the wind is hard,* Logan sent softly and felt Scott stiffen in his arms again. It broke his heart to do this but it was the only way. It had to be or else he’ll never be able to live with himself again.

      * Stop,* Scott demanded harshly.

      * You see someone. Probably someone in trouble. A car that has broken down, perhaps? You stop to help. You are hit by behind, knocked down. Something is preventing you from using your powers. A collar around your neck? Men stand over you, looking with disgust and hate in their eyes as you lie there on the cold snow covered road,* Logan forced himself to ignore Scott as he continued. It was torture to do this. He didn’t just force Scott to relive that night, he forced himself to do too and his own emotions threatened to get the better of him. It was hard to keep his voice emotionless as he retold what had most likely happened, to Scott and to himself. He wished to stop. He’ll do anything to stop but couldn’t. He had to go on.

      * Don’t…..leave me alone,* Scott’s voice was almost pleading as he quickly left Logan’s embrace and walked towards the door, trying to escape the images Logan’s words brought to his mind.

      * They laugh, jokes. Then one lashes out and kicks you. Soon the rest follows. Blow after blow fall like rain as you uselessly try to escape by curling up in a ball. You feel blood running from your mouth and you hear and feel it as ribs crack. Your body feel like it is on fire with agony,* Logan’s voice broke down and he stood up. This was too much. There had to be a better way than this. He was losing control himself and he couldn’t afford that. He needed to be there for Scott. He needed to be strong for him.

      Logan went over the floor and towards Scott who had frozen up in the middle of the room as Logan’s voice had reached him. Gently Logan laid his hand on Scott’s shoulder. Scott drew back as if burned.

      * Stay back. Keep away from me* Scott pleaded and moved away from him. Not thinking clearly he crawled up in a corner of the room and drove his knees to his chest and put his arms around them.

      * Scott, please. Talk to me. You need to work through this,* Logan pleaded and slowly neared him.

      * When you wish upon a star….when you wish upon a star…when you wish upon a star* Scott kept repeating the beginning to an old song he had loved as a child, again and again through the link as he began rocking back and forth, his face turned towards him but Logan was sure he wasn’t seeing him at all. His heart was breaking as he sat a few centimetres from Scott, careful not to touch him.

      * Scott….Scott, listen to me. I’ll help you. You’re not alone* Logan pleaded desperately.

      * When you wish upon a star….when you wish upon a star…when you wish upon a star* Scott repeated in a sing-a long, monotone kind of voice. Logan felt fear overtake him. Had he pushed Scott too far? Would he be able to come back at all? He had only wanted to help, to do something. If only he could take that pain Scott felt into himself. If only…..an idea hit him.

      * Scott, listen to me. I’ll let our link expand. I’ll go deeper into your mind. Let me fight these memories for you. Let my mind protect you. Don’t fight me,* Logan sent as he entered Scott’s mind as Xavier had taught him. Feelings and sensations hit him. Confusion, fear, pain and shame were all mixed into one. Remembering Xavier’s lectures he closed his eyes and searched with his mind. He “saw” a box, tightly sealed. It was securely locked now but around it images and figures hovered. The suppressed memories and the ones his own words had made him remember. Knowing that if Scott’s mind fought him like an intruder his mind would crumble as broken glass, he still searched deeper. Suddenly a figure in a white rope appeared.

      * Go back. This is not for you* the man warned. He stepped closer and saw it was Scott or at least one of the guardians to his mind.

      * I mean no harm. It is me, Logan,* he sent and Scott seemed to consider this for a while before a smile spread over his lips.

      * We remember you. You helped us once. Help….help now….Logan…safe,* Scott pleaded before his image disappeared.

      * Scott!” Logan yelled and tried to catch him but it was too late. Frustrated he walked into a small room. Inside was an image floating and a fence of metal was around it. Logan had a feeling it meant that Scott was consciously awake of only a small part of what those images showed and the rest…the most horrible of them were still locked away. In one corner of the room Scott stood, just like Logan remembered him when he had first seen him, proud and strong.

      * Logan, this is not for you. You are not supposed to be here* the words were spoken from Scott’s lips but were still in the mind.

      * But I am here. I’m here to help you* Logan drew slowly nearer to the changing image and Scott. To his surprise this version of Scott didn’t seem to fear him at all. He went to stand beside Logan as he watched the changing images. They changed very quickly but Logan got the general idea. It was the memory of Scott’s torture; more precisely his rape that had been part of his torture and the attempt to break him, what played before him. The images still changed too quickly to catch but Logan still felt a stab of guilt but more than anything an overwhelming sadness which quickly gave way to anger.

      * Do you hate him now?* the figure of Scott asked emotionless and Logan stared surprised at him.

      * Because of this?* he pointed to the images. Scott nodded. * No, of course not…..That was why…this was where the feeling of shame came from, wasn’t it?* Logan suddenly realised.

      * Yes. You see, Scott feared he’d lose you if you knew. He feels….broken, violated….unclean….guilty,* Scott explained as they walked from the room. When they were away from the moving pictures Logan succeeded in getting his anger and rage more under control.

      * Guilty? Why? He did nothing wrong. And he’ll not lose me. Nothing save the words from his mind asking me to go will ever make me abandon him ever again* Logan vowed and because of the deeper link all Logan’s feelings slammed into Scott’s mind, making him read the love, concern, rage towards his attackers and the certainty of his statement in them. Suddenly it felt like Logan was thrown out into the darkest reaches of space before he opened his eyes and saw he still sat in front of Scott. His lips curved in a smile as he saw the smile on Scott’s face.

      “ You…. promise?… Promise… to… stay..,” Scott rasped pained and Logan reached out a hand to stroke his cheek. Scott saw him hesitate and guided his hand to his cheek, pressing it to him with his own hand.

      “ I promise. I’ll never leave not even if I die. I’ll always be here. With you,” Logan vowed as a tear fell from his eye. Scott went into his embrace and burst into tears by his shoulder.

      “ It’s alright now. All will be alright now,” Logan mumbled as he hugged him close. After a long time Scott’s tears stilled somewhat and he drew back. He smiled through tears at Logan as he wiped them gently away from his face.

      “ I……love…you” Scott rasped pained. Logan put a finger over Scott’s lips.

      * You do not need to speak. It pains you. You can think it instead* Logan sent to him.

      “ I……want…..to…….You…………are………worth……it,” Scott rasped and tears of pain stuck his eyes.

      “ I love you too, Slim. I always will,” Logan promised as Scott leaned in for a kiss. He hadn’t healed completely, Logan knew that but the worse was over. They had come through. Together. And together they’ll heal each other as well.

      “…..Always……..Logan……always…..safe,” Scott rasped as their lips met and all thoughts but the love they shared disappeared as healing hearts won over remembering thoughts.

      The End
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