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Fic: "Tears On My Cheeks" (1/1) PG-13 [R,L ,J,S,O]

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  • Nadja Lee
    Tears On My Cheeks By Nadja Lee 13/8/2002 English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes. Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 21 12:56 PM
      Tears On My Cheeks

      By Nadja Lee 13/8/2002

      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
      Timeline: Set after the X-men movie.
      Universe: Movie. ONLY movie!
      Romance: Now that would be telling...
      Summary: Marie, Logan, Jean, Scott and Ororo talk about love, betrayal and everything in between.
      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee@...
      Rating: PG-13
      Sequel/series: None

      For Meg with love, for Estelle for reasons she knows well and as always for Sorcieré with love and thanks.

      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta.

      * * *

      He’s going away, he’s leaving me. What do I have left now? I thought he would stay and look out for me; where do I go from here? I never thought it would come to this. I never thought he would leave me. Not now…now when I’ve just realised that I love him.

      He was my safety, my new centre. He was there after my world had crumbled and fallen to the ground. He was there to see me through. Like a dream he was there and carried me to safety and held me warm.

      Lips against lips; how can a kiss lie? I’ve never seen such courage, strength and love before as I did in his eyes. I love him so much…how can he be gone? Sometimes at night I wonder if he was just a figment of my imagination.

      He saved my life, he was willing to die for me…how can you forget something like that? How can that be anything else but love? But if so why did he leave me? Why? We could have been happy together…..I would have made him happy; I would have.

      What do I have left now? He’s leaving me, he's leaving me. I wish he would hold me, I wish he would give some sign to have the same feelings as I have for him. Now I’m left to forever wonder, forever doubt. My mind is going wild and I always end up fearing I did something wrong, that he never really cared for me or that I ruined everything. God, I wish he’d just talk to me…say something. My feelings for him are as clear as daylight, he can’t have missed the signs….but then why didn’t he respond? Maybe he doesn’t care……maybe he cares too much….

      So many doubts….so many thoughts….With such a deep felt love there comes an equally deep felt pain when everything falls apart.

      Tears on my cheeks, falling ever so softly. Silently they move down my cheeks and drip onto the floor. Falling and shattering into a million pieces like diamonds….like my heart.

      So cold, so alone…..tears on my cheeks.


      I have to go, I can’t stay. My feelings are in turmoil and I don’t know what to do. I don’t like the power she’s gaining over me; the feelings she’s awaking in me. I swore to protect her but now I see that her greatest threat can be me.

      No, she isn’t safe, not like the other. She’s safe, she’s already taken. Anything goes; anything can happen. It’s a cruel thought but it’s still there; if she can betray one man she can betray any man so I’ll know that if she comes to me while still his in name if nothing else then she’s not worth keeping.

      That is safe love; no matter what happens I’ll win; I’ll be in control, I’ll lead and I’ll therefore always be able to leave at any time I want to.

      But not with her. Though she seems small and fragile she has complete power over me; if someone hurts her I'll kill him, if something bothers her I’ll fix it….No, I can’t let her have this power over me. I need to be free; I can’t ever let anyone hold any power over me ever again and power over the heart is the worst power of all.

      What frightens me the most is that I know that I’ll do anything for her….I'll die for her should the need be or should she simply ask me too. Such power she holds in such small gloved hands…I wonder if she knows?

      As I speed away from her, the miles ever growing, I sense that it must be raining because my cheeks suddenly feel so wet….it must be raining.


      He’s gone. Maybe it’s for the best. I wanted him; I flirted with him and let him do the same. I never said no and I know that had he asked me to go all the way I would have.

      What kind of power does he wield? Why can’t I escape him? Maybe I don’t want to?

      I wanted him to want me; I wanted to feel young and desired. God damn it; I hadn’t counted on falling in love with him.

      What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Staying in this relationship isn’t fair for any of us but time is running out for me, I feel it is. If I’m to have a husband and have children the time is now. I’m 36 and almost everyone already have someone.

      I don’t like to admit it but I fear loneliness. I’ve never felt it, not really, so maybe that’s why I fear it so much. I fear growing old all alone, dying and being forgotten; leaving no legacy or memory behind.

      It’s not like I don’t like him but I’ve never loved him. I seduced him at an early age for just this one reason; so I didn’t have to be alone. Because I knew I could shape so young a man like I wanted to; he would never leave me no matter what because I would be all the love he had ever known. And love…yes, in a way I did and still do love him. Love can be so many things…so many things.

      Now I see that the man I want to love is the one who left; the one I can’t have.

      So where do I go from here? Another suitcase in another hall or together for the safety of it?

      I’ve always sought comfort and safety; everything in my life has been like that and I fear uncertainty almost as much as I do with loneliness. I stay…but should he come back…..I want him so much, I love him so much.

      These tears on my cheeks…falling only to get wiped away. I’ll stay safe but should he come back…

      These tears on my cheeks….


      Don’t assume I don’t see just because I’m colorblind. I see everything, much more than you want me to.

      I shouldn’t take it out on him when you’re the one betraying me but it’s hard. I love you while I don’t even know him. So I did what I could to get him to leave only to find I actually liked him…not that I’ll ever admit as much.

      He was willing to give his life; such courage and strength can only be admired and that was why I left my bike to him though it was one of my most beloved possessions. He had saved a member of my team and I felt I should…I wanted to…thank him though in my heart I know that I wasn’t just thanking him as a leader but as a man too because I also thanked him for leaving.

      I thought that with him gone things would be better but I was wrong. I’m forced to see now that while my love for you was true I’m not sure yours was. Need can be taken for love but its not need I seek.

      I may be young, I may be ten years younger than you, you may be my first and so far only love but sweetheart, a man can only take so much. My heart is not unbreakable and it can’t take anymore. You’re driving me crazy; you’re breaking my heart to pieces.

      You have your pride, now let me take mine back. In the name of love a man can take much, overlook much but enough is enough. I can’t take this anymore because we both know he wasn’t the first. I can’t live with being the reserve or second best anymore.

      I believe there’s someone for everyone out there and someone is the right one for you and for me but we're not right for each other. We could have been but we're not anymore.

      If I could cry, if my mutation allowed tears to fall from my eyes I would cry. Not for myself, I can get by. No, I would cry for what we have lost and for what we could have had.

      If I could cry…if I could feel tears on my cheeks….


      Dignified, graceful, always there yet always alone. I’m not made of stone; I’m not a doll. I have needs too, I have dreams too. Don’t look through me; see me as I am.

      Why do you keep letting yourself getting hurt? Maybe we both set ourselves up for hurt and pain. Maybe that’s the way we are.

      No, I can’t…I won’t believe that. Dream….dream with me. Please, hold me in your arms…kiss me. I miss someone to hold me, to comfort me. I miss someone’s arms around me; I miss someone giving me warmth and strength.

      No, don’t turn away from me. I would never hurt you, I would never use you. Ask me anything and all my answers will be truthful. Yes, I’m talking about need, a need you have too but it’s more than that. I truly do care for you. I don’t love you…not yet but I easily could. Show me love and you shall receive mine in kind. Show me kindness and I’ll show you gentleness. Stay with me and I’ll stay with you.

      We’re friends, we care for each other, we protect each other and respect each other. Isn’t that the important thing? I accept you just like you are but you can change, I would even help you to should you wish it. My love would never bind you down or put you down. Respect; everyone needs it and so do you. I respect you as a man, a leader, and a friend but above all I respect your privacy and your feelings. I would never deliberately hurt you. I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you because I have a temper too but I swear to you; love me and I’ll never as much as look at anyone but you ever again.

      In short; love me and I’ll love you. What you do to me I’ll do to you. Show me the love, patience, respect and kindness you have in vain showed her and I shall return it in kind when she did not.

      These tears on my cheeks are falling like raindrops from above. Let a wind take us far from here and let us stay together and free. Let us never be disappointed, ignored, overlooked, hurt or betrayed ever again. Let us promise each other as much.

      These tears on my cheeks….are either falling as tears for my loneliness or from happiness. Only your words will decide which it’ll be.


      The End
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