Fic: "Darker Destiny: High Flyin g alone" (1/1) R
- Darker Destiny: High Flying alone
By Nadja Lee 14/05/02
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: X-men and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set in the movie universe/an AU. Before the movie
Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.
Summary: A young woman tells of her life and the thoughts she has.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
Warning: May contain disturbing elements. This is a VERY dark tale! You have been warned.
Sequel/series: Part of the Darker Destiny series.
Thanks to Estelle for the Beta
Have you ever wondered what it is like to be what others only dream of yet still be alone ..
They love me. Not because they know me but because they think they have to. I lead them, take care of them they admire me and they fear me. Their love is not real. Ive never known real love. Im not sure Ill recognise it should I see it.
They all turn to me for advise and help. They expect me to hold all the cards and have all the answers. Do they ever wonder whom I have to turn to for guidance? No one. I have none. Every word I say have to be carefully planned so it is not misunderstood, every road I walk, every turn of my head .nothing ever happens in the spur of the moment.
This was never what I wanted. I know what I have is what many long for but they only see the façade; the power and the glory. But with power comes great responsibility; too great sometimes. My decisions could have devastating consequences; some which none can foresee. Yet Im expected to be able to foresee them. Im expected to know it all. But I dont. I dont know everything; half the time I have to guess when I answer a question or a plea. I simply dont know. And its tearing me apart.
I want to flee, I want to break free. I want to be like everybody else. I want to do what I want to; just for me. I want to just for one day have no greater concern than my own. I want to be normal; why cant I be?
I caught myself daydreaming of that freedom, of running on the beach, of feeling the wind in my hair .pure freedom. I dream of someone wholl love me for me, for who I am inside. Someone wholl love me for who I am and not what I am.
But I cant break free. I have obligations and responsibilities. They all depend on me. I cant desert them now. Though my body stays here my spirit fights to sour free high above the skies. I often wonder if they know .all those people passing by on the streets, going on with their lives do they know how lucky they are? Do they know?
As a child my dreams for my future were simple; a nice house of my own choosing, a husband who loves me and children of my own. Now, a woman, I see I have none of those things and I begin to wonder if Ill ever have them. How can something that to so many is so simple and so natural be so hard for me to get? Half the worlds population is male; one should think there would be one for me among them somewhere.
Sometimes as my thoughts wander I wonder if theyll even notice if Im gone. They talk, they plea or demand but do they care? No. More than half the problems they come to me with; they have made them for themselves. I catch myself feeling flits of anger towards them for their stupidity. They start a war with their hate and greed but when things turn too ugly for them they come to me to stop it. The thought; why should I? Youll just start another someplace new, run through my head but I fight it back and do as I must.
I know that if I had someone those dark thoughts could be driven away but I have none. Im left to the darkness and loneliness of my own thoughts and that can be the scariest thing there is. Its not rooms that hold people prisoner; its thoughts. Forbidden, hidden, dark and seductive ..they catch you off guard and tempt you with things you know you shouldnt do but they sound so right as theyre whispered in the dark.
Everyone needs a balance. Im their balance and they turn to me to maintain it. But who is my balance? Who can I turn to? Why is there none for me? My own thoughts threaten to corrupt me with ideas and thoughts I do not want yet I have no one to talk to; no one I can tell. Everyone around me looks to me for advice; theyre not there to guide me.
Sometimes I feel so frustrated I could cry but I dont. Maybe it would help if I could but I cant. I havent cried since childhood; I cant appear weak.
Tonight as I lay in the dark I really need someone to hold me, to comfort me. My thoughts tempt me and whisper words to me I know in my mind are wrong but my heart is being seduced. They whisper words of sweet freedom, of power, of escape from everything. They whisper of being true to one self and of self-protection. They speak of souring on the winds and flying free ..high above the skies ..just free. Its so vivid, so beautiful ..I reach out to touch it
No, I cant. I have duties and responsibilities
And Im so lonely and miserable I could die
Who would know I was gone? Just a little while? Who would miss me? Ill be back ..I would
Just for tonight. Just for tonight ..
Just for one dream