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Fic: "Darker Destiny: High Flyin g…alone" (1/1) R

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  • Nadja Lee
    Darker Destiny: High Flying…alone By Nadja Lee 14/05/02 English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes. Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 2 8:16 PM
      Darker Destiny: High Flying…alone

      By Nadja Lee 14/05/02

      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

      Timeline: Set in the movie universe/an AU. Before the movie

      Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.

      Romance: None

      Summary: A young woman tells of her life and the thoughts she has.

      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...

      Rating: R

      Warning: May contain disturbing elements. This is a VERY dark tale! You have been warned.

      Sequel/series: Part of the “Darker Destiny” series.

      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta

      Have you ever wondered what it is like to be what others only dream of yet still be alone……..

      They love me. Not because they know me but because they think they have to. I lead them, take care of them………they admire me and they fear me. Their love is not real. I’ve never known real love. I’m not sure I’ll recognise it should I see it.

      They all turn to me for advise and help. They expect me to hold all the cards and have all the answers. Do they ever wonder whom I have to turn to for guidance? No one. I have none. Every word I say have to be carefully planned so it is not misunderstood, every road I walk, every turn of my head…….nothing ever happens in the spur of the moment.

      This was never what I wanted. I know what I have is what many long for but they only see the façade; the power and the glory. But with power comes great responsibility; too great sometimes. My decisions could have devastating consequences; some which none can foresee. Yet I’m expected to be able to foresee them. I’m expected to know it all. But I don’t. I don’t know everything; half the time I have to guess when I answer a question or a plea. I simply don’t know. And it’s tearing me apart.

      I want to flee, I want to break free. I want to be like everybody else. I want to do what I want to; just for me. I want to just for one day have no greater concern than my own. I want to be normal; why can’t I be?

      I caught myself daydreaming of that freedom, of running on the beach, of feeling the wind in my hair…….pure freedom. I dream of someone who’ll love me for me, for who I am inside. Someone who’ll love me for who I am and not what I am.

      But I can’t break free. I have obligations and responsibilities. They all depend on me. I can’t desert them now. Though my body stays here my spirit fights to sour free high above the skies. I often wonder if they know…….all those people passing by on the streets, going on with their lives……do they know how lucky they are? Do they know?

      As a child my dreams for my future were simple; a nice house of my own choosing, a husband who loves me and children of my own. Now, a woman, I see I have none of those things and I begin to wonder if I’ll ever have them. How can something that to so many is so simple and so natural be so hard for me to get? Half the world’s population is male; one should think there would be one for me among them somewhere.

      Sometimes as my thoughts wander I wonder if they’ll even notice if I’m gone. They talk, they plea or demand but do they care? No. More than half the problems they come to me with; they have made them for themselves. I catch myself feeling flits of anger towards them for their stupidity. They start a war with their hate and greed but when things turn too ugly for them they come to me to stop it. The thought; ‘why should I? You’ll just start another someplace new,’ run through my head but I fight it back and do as I must.

      I know that if I had someone those dark thoughts could be driven away but I have none. I’m left to the darkness and loneliness of my own thoughts and that can be the scariest thing there is. It’s not rooms that hold people prisoner; it’s thoughts. Forbidden, hidden, dark and seductive…..they catch you off guard and tempt you with things you know you shouldn’t do but they sound so right as they’re whispered in the dark.

      Everyone needs a balance. I’m their balance and they turn to me to maintain it. But who is my balance? Who can I turn to? Why is there none for me? My own thoughts threaten to corrupt me with ideas and thoughts I do not want yet I have no one to talk to; no one I can tell. Everyone around me looks to me for advice; they’re not there to guide me.

      Sometimes I feel so frustrated I could cry but I don’t. Maybe it would help if I could but I can’t. I haven’t cried since childhood; I can’t appear weak.

      Tonight as I lay in the dark I really need someone to hold me, to comfort me. My thoughts tempt me and whisper words to me I know in my mind are wrong but my heart is being seduced. They whisper words of sweet freedom, of power, of escape from everything. They whisper of being true to one self and of self-protection. They speak of souring on the winds and flying free………..high above the skies……..just free. It’s so vivid, so beautiful……..I reach out to touch it……

      No, I can’t. I have duties and responsibilities…

      And I’m so lonely and miserable I could die……

      Who would know I was gone? Just a little while? Who would miss me? I’ll be back……..I would

      Just for tonight. Just for tonight……..

      Just for one dream…

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