Fic: "Glass And Blood" R (1/1) [Rogue, (W/R)]
- Glass And Blood
By Nadja Lee 26/07/02
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: X-men and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.
Universe: Set in the movie universe.
Summary: Rogue is depressed after Logan left.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
Warning: May contain disturbing elements.
Thanks so much to Karen for the Beta. You are, as always, the best. Thanks so much!
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Have you ever wondered how it would be like to do it? Have you ever held a piece of broken glass to your wrist and wondered what it would be like to cut? Wondered if youd regret it, wondered how itd feel wondered how others would feel? Have you then chickened out and cut somewhere safe instead a finger, your arm, legs .often a place you can hide never the face or on top of the hands ?
I have. Before I would just hold the glass close to my skin and let it gently touch, not breaking skin. Always wondering how itd be; what would happen, but never crossing that line and actually drawing blood.
It may sound strange but it helps .in a way. When things get so confusing and your mind feels like its about to explode and youre left in the middle with nowhere to go and a desire to just scream and never stop ..
Its a feeling; its a mix of feelings. Its loneliness, sadness, abandonment, a feeling of not belonging, of doing everything wrong . its just being down and depressed. You cant say when itll come, just suddenly its there like a shadow made by the sun. Suddenly you feel like crying, fighting, screaming and dying. Just something. Suddenly it feels like everything is spinning out of control and about to explode. Everything feels like its dying my head feels like its going to explode. Ive always suffered from severe headaches, but they always seem so much worse at times like these and they make thinking so hard to do. I just feel like doing something to ease the indescribable pain within so I cut just a little slice in my finger its just a small one ..it draws blood. It has never done that before. Its fascinating in a weird way to follow the drops of blood as they run down my hand. Its just a small cut but it still bleeds a lot. I must have sat alone in my room for some time because suddenly someone calls me and interrupts my thoughts. Im torn between wanting them to see the cut Ive made and wanting to hide it. In the end I just let it be and wonder if anyone notices. I leave the piece of glass in my room.
I didnt always feel like this. As a girl I never got depressed. Things were good and I never had a care in the world. Then suddenly everything changed. In a heartbeat I was without a home and without a family, left on my own for the first time ever. It was terrifying and it was during those long, lonely and cold months my mind became a dark place. I began to wonder too much about everything. Things like, is this all my fault? Is this Gods punishment? Am I going crazy? I even got angry with myself for being sad over what I had lost. After all so many people around the world starve, get tortured, wrongfully imprisoned, raped, ignored, used, abused and killed. I shouldnt complain; I was lucky, I truly was. Yet I didnt fell lucky.
Everything changed when I met him. Big, broad-shouldered a handsome prince with manners and the style of a fighter. How could I not fall in love? He saved me and took care of me. He promised that he would. I guess he just didnt think he would have to protect me from myself.
He left. He left me. It should be all right. Im safe and taken care off, and I guess Im also loved here. But ever since he left things have gone downhill. Nothing amuses me anymore, nothing holds my interest. Im torn, lost and alone. I dont want to be alone, yet I always walk alone and keep to myself. Im depressed but mad at myself for being so because now I have even more reason than before not to be Im so confused and lost. My mind is a conflicted and confusing mix even I cant sort out anymore I wonder if I ever could.
I feel like no one understands me. I just feel like sitting alone and feeling sorry for myself crying, tears on my cheeks, a sad song on the radio and a piece of glass in my hand. Words can never explain how I feel and no one would understand Maybe I dont want them to. Dont I want to feel better? Am I crazy? Am I lost forever?
I should be happy .but Im not.
I feel so lost so alone. I cant explain what I feel. All the colors in my mind bled into one, my head hurts with a steady dull pain I think I have tears on my cheeks, but Im not sure.
So many images play before my eyes as again I sit in my room and take up the piece of glass in my hand. No one noticed the small cut I had made earlier. Maybe I didnt want them to maybe I did need them to. I dont know. I dont know anything anymore.
Having already crossed the line, having already drawn blood once its not hard to stare in fascination as I put the glass to the skin inside my palm and draw a line, biting my teeth together over the pain, but the physical pain is welcomed because as long as I feel it I cant feel the indescribable pain within me. I wait a little and then I see the small drops of blood peek forth from the wound and begin to run. Im strangely content at that moment; I dont feel any pain within me nor any pain over the cut my mind is a blank and Im .not happy but not sad either. I just am.
And Im left to wonder ..is that what death is like?