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Fic: "Cuts Like A Knife" R (1/1) [Scott/Jean, Logan/Rogue]

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  • Nadja Lee
    Hi all, This is the comparison piece to ”Do You Love Me?” posted a few days ago. In time this fic can be read on fanfiction.net here:
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 15, 2002
      Hi all,

      This is the comparison piece to ”Do You Love Me?” posted a few days ago.
      In time this fic can be read on fanfiction.net here:


      Cuts Like A Knife
      By Nadja Lee 6/06/02
      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Disclaimer: “Knife” was sung by Rockwell (at least this version I’m listening to now is *LOL*) and belong to him, song writers, record company and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
      Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.
      Universe: Set in the movie universe.
      Romance: Scott/Jean, Logan/Rogue
      Summary: Scott thinks about his very strange and often painful relationship with Jean and compares it to Logan and Rogue’s.
      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
      Rating: R.
      Sequel/series: Comparison piece to “Do You Love Me?”
      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta.

      * * *
      Part 1:
      “Do you love me, Scott?”
      I’ve never known love; I don’t know what it is. I’m an orphan; love was for princes in fairytales…..never for me.
      Do I love you? What a strange thing to ask. Of course I do……..but I also hate you. You bring me the greatest joy and the greatest pain.
      You play a game and too late I figured out that I was part of it. Closeness or distance, love or hate, joy or sorrow………it’s all just a game.
      When you smile at me I melt and I can’t help smiling back, when you put your arms around me I swear I’m in Heaven, when you’re near me I want to bless the day I met you.
      But then you turn around. You avoid me; pull free from my embrace, go hunting and hurt me in the worst possible ways. You bring me to my knees, you hurt and taunt me……
      At first I thought it was a phase. The only thing I had to compare our love to was what I’ve read in books or seen in TV and they always make it look so easy…. their love was only joy and happiness. So when you started pulling back I let you go, when you flirted with others in front of me I pretended I didn’t see…….when you stayed away for entire nights only to return to explain in full what you had done………I tried to be strong but tears fell from my eyes and I fell to my knees and begged; please don’t break me this way. Please don’t. Your words and actions are like a knife. It cuts me like a knife to my heart. I’m so deeply wounded.
      But you continued to hurt me; you always do. It’s a game, I know that now. Love’s nothing but a game. Little by little my childhood fantasies of a perfect love dimmed and left only cold hard reality. Well, two can play this game. Two can be a knife. I haven’t lived on the streets for nothing. I can take that coldness back I gave up to love you; believe me, darling, if you want to compare coldness and hurtful schemes……..I’ll bury you.
      Don’t judge me for what I do; you started it. I’ve yet to take a lover and you have had many so don’t look like that……..I must admit I do enjoy the flash of hurt in your eyes when I purposely kiss Kitty in front of you. She admires me, hero worships me…….I use her. Maybe if I could let my wall down I could see her in another light than a tool to get to you but as long as you can wound me so deeply I don’t dare to open my heart.
      Our game continued and culminated when Logan and Rogue arrived. Of course you had to put the moves on him; I knew you would. What you hadn’t counted on was he refusing you. No one has ever refused you before. I couldn’t help laughing at your baffled look when he turned you down rather loudly in the dinner hall……..priceless.
      I see them together; Logan and Rogue. I envy them so strongly I can taste it. I don’t love Rogue in that way but I envy the love they share. It’s so pure and simple. They have no games and no barriers. They’re open and honest………Gods, I wish I had a love like that. Their love is in one word; perfect. They’re so matched to each together, there is no power play or hurtful words between them, no role games………no mind games. He’s her protector and she’s his soul and heart. So simple and so pure. So………….perfect.
      Don’t I deserve a love like that? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I want a love like the love I share with you; filled with joy………filled with pain. Maybe I need it.
      But the truth is it hurts me. Cuts like a knife. I’m bleeding, I’m drowning. I’m so deeply wounded. How will I ever heal? Can I heal?
      “Do you love me?”
      Your question is unreasonable, darling, but so is this game we have to play. So, what shall I say? I can’t lie. We never lie in words……..only with everything else we’ve got.
      “Occasionally, Jean…….. occasionally.”
      And in my mind I add; when you don’t cut me like a knife. Can’t you see I’m so deeply wounded?

      The End
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