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Fic: "Do You Love Me?" R (1/1) [Scott/Jean, Logan/Rogue]

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  • Nadja Lee
    Do You Love Me? By Nadja Lee 6/06/02 English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes. Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 13, 2002
      Do You Love Me?
      By Nadja Lee 6/06/02
      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Disclaimer: “Sometimes When We Touch” was sung by Dan Hill (at least this version I’m listening to now is *LOL*) and belong to him, song writers, record company and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
      Timeline: Set in the movie universe.
      Universe: Set in the movie universe.
      Romance: Scott/Jean, Logan/Rogue
      Summary: Jean thinks about her very strange and often painful relationship with Scott and compares it to Logan and Rogue’s.
      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
      Rating: R.
      Sequel/series: Comparison piece to “Cuts Like A Knife”
      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta

      * * *
      Part 1:
      “Do you love me, Jean?”
      You can’t ask like that. You can’t ask me that. I choke on my reply, I don’t know what to say or do…I’ll rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie.
      Love has never been something clear and pure to me. It has always been a game. In my home there was never any ‘I love you’s, hugs or big emotions……..it wasn’t done. I’m not sure I would know how to do it. In time you lose your ability to be honest and pure in your love and I did just that.
      I wouldn’t know how to have a simple love or how to repay it in kind. My love has always been like a conflicted pattern of mixed colours.
      So do I love you? I’m not sure. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I want you near me; other times I want you to stay away. Sometimes I seek your love, other times I provoke your hate. Sometimes I need your respect; other times I purposely destroy it. Sometimes I want you to be safe and other times I seek to hurt you.
      Why? I don’t know. It’s complicated. I've never learned how to love unconditionally; I wouldn’t know how to do that. I hardly know what I want so how should I be able to explain it to others?
      I look at others around me, like Logan and Rogue. They share a special bond, it’s like they are connected at the heart. Their love is pure and unconditional; it’s innocent in its intensity and shines bright through the darkness. They make love seem so simple; like a fairytale. Sometimes I envy them that and other times I only feel contempt.
      Maybe it’s the openness and honesty in their relationship that scares yet excites me. I hardly know who I am or what I want……..if I try to psychoanalyse myself I wouldn’t let myself out among other people for a very long time. The mind is a strange thing; it can save you……..or imprison you and somehow………..it’s always so hard to figure out just which of the two it is you’re doing. Am I freed or imprisoned, locked in my own mind?
      Sometimes I want to hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry……till this pretend and strange game we play is stopped……sometimes I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides. Sometimes I want to hide, run far away, sometimes…….
      Sometimes I want to hurt you, see you bleed, see you cry. Sometimes I want to break you, drive you to your knees, see your heart break and see you beg and plea. Sometimes I want to help you up, guide you, lead you, take care of you and never leave you.
      At times I think we’re drifting apart yet we always come together. We hurt, we love……..it never stops. It’s a circle I can’t break.
      At times I understand you and I feel so near you…….then everything falls apart and you’re a stranger again. At times I want to lay down my pride and just be yours…….at other times I want to stand tall and never break down.
      Sometimes the feelings inside me dim and you’re like a brother or friend but then the flame ignites again and the game is on. Sometimes I close my eyes and just wish things could be simple and I didn’t have to hurt you like I do or take the hurt you give me.
      Who am I to judge you? We’re in a game and generally one I’m winning but you’re coming after it. Sometimes I fear I’ve destroyed the light in you because sometimes I feel no light in you at all, just a cold and cruel cunning, a predator’s smile on your lips……but then the mask falls back into place and I’m left to wonder which part of you is real and which is pretend.
      “ Do you love me?”
      What can I say? I never lie; that’s part of the game. We never lie……in words anyway.
      “Sometimes, Scott…….sometimes.”

      The End

      Comparison piece to “Cuts Like A Knife”
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