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Fic: "Darker Destiny: The Roles One Plays" R (1/1)

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  • Nadja Lee
    Darker Destiny: The Roles One Plays By Nadja Lee 14/05/02 English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 9, 2002
      Darker Destiny: The Roles One Plays
      By Nadja Lee 14/05/02
      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
      Timeline: Set in the movie universe/an AU. Before the movie
      Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.
      Romance: None
      Summary: A young woman tells of her life and choices…
      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
      Rating: R
      Warning: May contain disturbing elements. This is a VERY dark tale! You have been warned.
      Dedicated with love to Sorcieré
      Sequel/series: Part of the “Darker Destiny” series.
      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta

      Have you ever wondered what it is like to play a role for so long you forget who you are……..

      What would she say? What would she do? Never me. I can’t be me, I’m not sure I remember how to anymore. I’ve played so many roles through my life that I begin to wonder if there even is a me inside somewhere.
      Sometimes role playing is fun, to unleash your imagination and be someone else. But when you’re always stuck in a moment, never moving, never changing back……..then things starts to blend. ‘Who are you?’ becomes a hard question, answered only with careful consideration. Who am I? This week? Last week? Tomorrow?
      We all wear masks, none of us shows who we truly are. We’re taught from childhood to play a role to fit in. Everyone should look, act and think the same so we do; we pretend we do. Inside we’re all different but if we pretend long enough people will forget that.
      Abnormality isn’t viewed with kindness but with disgust. There are strong rules for intelligence and beauty and if you divagate too much from them you’re an outsider. Then you only have two choices; be alone or pretend. I choose to pretend and I’m good at it.
      Too good. My mind is a Hell I can’t escape. When someone asks me a question I have hundreds and not just one ready reply to it and I have to sort through them all to figure out how the person I am today would react.
      In the darkness late at night I even begin to wonder if my memories are real. I’ve made up so many stories in my mind that I now have trouble remembering what really happened and what didn’t. I simply forget and all the colours in my mind bled together and become one. I’m trapped in my own web and I can’t get free.
      I need someone to help me sort it all out but I dare not show the real me to anyone because she is lost to me. I’ve even lost her real name…..or have I? I don’t know. I can’t remember what I’ve made up and what was real. I just can’t recall. So many colours, so many answers……..so many names and so many faces.
      I feel like I’m falling, I can’t stop it and I can’t help it. I’m lost, running around without direction. What shall I do? I’m not even sure whom I am so how should I know how to do anything else?
      I try to go on and pretend everything is fine but by each passing day more and more of my façade fades and crumbles away. I fear what will be left should my wall fall. Will it be the real me behind all that pretend or will it be someone else? Someone made up from all my lies and pretend? Someone I don’t know and have never known?
      I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I feel like my head is burning and I want to scream. Someone help me. Stop all these blasted voices in my mind. I never meant for it to go this far……I didn’t. It was like when one lie was said, when one life was made up……I couldn’t stop. Fantasies were always more interesting than real life and soon real life stopped and only fantasy was left. No rules, no limits……..and no self.
      Everything is going in circles; I’m getting dizzy. What shall I do?
      Who AM I?
      Please……………..I need to know. Yet…….do I want to know?

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