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Fic: "Darker Destiny: Going Nowhere" R (1/1)

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  • Nadja Lee
    Darker Destiny: Going Nowhere By Nadja Lee 14/05/02 English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 4, 2002
      Darker Destiny: Going Nowhere
      By Nadja Lee 14/05/02
      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
      Timeline: Set in the movie universe/an AU. Before the movie
      Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.
      Romance: None
      Summary: A young man tells of his life and the thoughts he has.
      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
      Rating: R
      Warning: May contain disturbing elements. This is a VERY dark tale! You have been warned.
      Sequel/series: Part of the “Darker Destiny” series.
      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta.

      Have you ever wondered what it is like to be on the way towards something yet never reaching it?

      I’ve been on the road for far longer than I care to remember. I leave before someone gets close, I just leave.
      I try not to think about it. I try to just take one day and then the next. I don’t want to think about the past or the future. But I do. This aimless life was never what I thought I would have and it was never what I wanted. I try to drown those voices in my head with booze or fights, anything to keep them away but they keep coming back.
      They whisper failure in my ear; say I’m nothing and no one. They say I never got my dreams to come true and now I never will. But it’s not that easy. It just isn’t. Of course I wanted to be someone, someone important; who doesn’t? A doctor, an engineer…..someone whom people looks up to and respects. But it’s just not for me. I can’t do it. I can’t concentrate long enough, I keep losing focus and I’m slipping away. I don’t want to but I always do. My mind is never on the here and now and I’m slipping away. Gods, I’m slipping away.
      It’s the most dangerous game in the world and it’s the worst feeling in the world; feeling you have lost and knowing you can only thank yourself for it. Damn it all. Why? Why can’t I be what they are? Why can’t I concentrate long enough? If I could just focus. If………..I hate that word. I hate ifs. They ruin all my freakin’ days.
      I have one dream still left though; all the others have faded and disappeared. I dream of a family, I dream of soft brown hair, of a sweet smile and willing lips. I dream of a woman who’ll love me just as I am and not try and change me. I need someone to love me, I need someone to hold but more than anything else; I need just one person to think I’m not a failure. If I could just make it in her eyes I would be all right; I know I would.
      But whom am I kidding? What kind of woman would ever fall for a guy like me? Women want success, money, and stability. They don’t want a heart; they want a wallet. I can’t say I blame them. I really wish I had that. I really wish I had it in me to sit for hours before a computer screen and work for hours on end, I really wish I could do that. I do want to do something and make a difference but where to even start?
      No, all else in my life has failed; this must not. I need to find this woman. I need her. I need to see love in her eyes, I need her warm embrace, I need to see respect and admiration in her eyes as she looks at me. I need to see that; I need to.
      It can’t be another broken dream; don’t let it be another broken dream I can never fulfil. Don’t.
      Deep in thought and praying to a God I thought I had stopped believing in long ago I park the car and walk into a restaurant to get something to eat.
      Yes, I need to find this special person; this one woman who’ll love me in all her innocence. But where to find such a woman? Does she even exist?
      Strange………..how we so often miss what’s just in front of us.

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