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Fic: "Darker Destiny: Dreams In My Heart" R (1/1)

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  • Nadja Lee
    Darker Destiny: Dreams In My Heart By Nadja Lee 14/05/02 English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 2, 2002
      Darker Destiny: Dreams In My Heart
      By Nadja Lee 14/05/02
      English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
      Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
      Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
      Timeline: Set in the movie universe/an AU. Before the movie
      Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.
      Romance: None
      Summary: A young woman works, thinks and waits……
      Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
      Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
      Rating: R
      Story premise for this series: A what if story. What if there had never been any X-men? What if Xavier had never founded the group or the school? What would have happened to our heroes and villains then?
      Warning: May contain disturbing elements. This is a VERY dark tale! You have been warned.
      Sequel/series: Part of the “Darker Destiny” series.
      Thanks to Estelle for the Beta.

      Have you ever wondered what it is like when everything goes in circles……..

      It’s all the same. This wasn’t where I thought I’d end up when I ran away from home; not at all. I go on the same street, work in the same restaurant; even the costumers have begun to look alike. I feel like I’m being strangled. All the dreams I once had, where have they gone?
      I fear none of them will ever come to pass. There is nothing left here. It’s as if time has slowed down and I can’t breathe. It’s like I’m being strangled, slowly dying inside.
      I have never been good at reaching out to people and as a result I’m alone. I wake up, go to work and go home. That’s all. The same every day. I know I could do more but something always holds me back. I know what I have; I don’t know what I’ll get. It’s a risk I dare not take.
      I know I’m being stupid and I hate myself for it. I should take charge, go out there and look for Prince Charming myself. What’s the odds he’ll just walk through the door and ask me out? One in a billion and even that it is too high. I know this yet some dreams never die or is it some fears?
      Why can’t I do it? Why can’t I tear myself loose? I keep telling myself all kinds of excuses but none of them explains to me why I can’t break free. What is wrong with me? The more I think about it the more I begin to hate myself for my cowardliness. I wish I could be like those confident women, going somewhere; anywhere. But I’m not. I’m just not and I have to live with that.
      How? How do you live with that? I dream. I dream a lot. I dream myself off to distant galaxies, distant worlds, into romance novels, off to strange countries and into the arms of one handsome man who loves me more than life itself. Dreams, nothing but foolish dreams yet they’re all I have. They’re all I ever had. I’ve never had someone; ever and I begin to fear I never will. I wish I could say there was a reason, any kind of good reason. That I had chosen it as such…..that I was a nun. But I’m not. It’s fear that keeps me back. All I ever wanted from life was a man who loves me and whom I can love back. But I begin to understand that that’s too much to ask for.
      I play music all the time. I hate the silence. In the silence I begin to think and I can’t allow myself that for if I do I’ll begin to cry and may never stop. No, I need the music to keep playing, I need the escape. In music I do not need to think, in music I can float far away. No thoughts and no bonds. I need the music. I need it. I have to hear it play in my mind for my own thoughts scare me.

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