By Nadja Lee 24/10/01
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: X-men and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Disclaimer: Star Wars and all the characters here belong to Lucas, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set in a totally AU.
Universe: See above. AU
Summary: Scott Skywalker meets Logan Solo and goes to rescue a Princess
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000@...
Sequel/series: Not on your life *LOL*
Note: Obviously I succeed in fucking with two universes at the same time. Go me *LOL*. Its of course Star Wars and X-men.
Dedicated to Sorcieré; you got me into this silly fic stuff. Its all your fault. *G*
Also dedicated to Karen who got me to finish this fic that I started months ago.
Thanks to Joanne for the Beta. Youre one of a kind; thanks for being there.
* * *
In a very near future
In a town near you
Someone: What happened to the first 3 stories?
Narrator: They arent written yet. Im just leaving it open to be sure I can always write more.
Someone again: Why?
.Will you just shut up!
A New Hope
It was a time of civil unrest
The President had gone fishing
And now no one could find him
Though that wasnt the biggest problem
Senator Kelly used the Presidents absence
To appoint him self Emperor of the world
- as we all know the world is the US
So he had no troubles there
The bribery of the state heads didnt hold him back either
But a cry for lower taxes
And free hash
I mean free press
Made the princess Jean of Alderiagian
- little island- you dont know it
Take a stand
But now as she raced home aboard her flagship
The Emperors right hand: Darth Magnus
Right behind her
Things seemed grim as she was carrying
Someone: Shes with child? Cool.
Narrator: No, you fool. She had the plans for the Emperors new super weapon with her.
Someone again: Isnt that more than a little stupid to send plans over a dreadful weapon to a princess? Even a 3 year old would think of threatening her homeland.
Narrator: I dont know why she had them. Maybe because without them there wouldnt be a story. So, now shut up!
The plans over
The Water Star (which naturally could turn anyone into water)
Aboard her ship
Oh, the excitement
* * *
Scene 1- The Princesss Flagship
* * *
Lots of smoke. People in white board the ship. A man in a black cape flies and lands on the deck.
Lord Magnus: Search the ship and bring me the passages. I want them alive!
In another part of the ship a beautiful tall black woman dressed in a lady-in-waitings dress..
Someone: How does such a dress look like?
Narrator: I dont know. Use your imagination. Now, shut up or Ill fuckin shot you!
Someone again: Okay, okay.
The lady in waiting is hurrying through the corridors.
Jubi-PO: My, were bloody gonna die! Yeah, we are. Whats that?
A figure in white; a young, beautiful, intelligent, wonderful
Someone: Get on with it already. We got the picture.
Narrator: Okay, okay.
This wonderful creature is giving Jubi-POs trusted companion, Drake-D2, something before she disappears into the shadows again. Drake- D2 goes over to Jubi-PO.
Jubi-PO: Where have you been? Were under attack. Were gonna die. Were all gonna bloody die.
Drake-D2: You know what I love most about you, my sweet? Youre optimism.
Jubi-PO: Oh, shut up! So, what happened?
Drake-D2: Nothin but we has to escape.
They hurry to the rescue boats and miraculously all Lord Magnuss guards are stupid enough to leave them all unguarded. The two servants get in a boat and sail for land.
In the command room:
Soldier: Captain, we see a rescue boat trying to get away.
Captain: Any intelligent life onboard?
Captain: Then let it go. We have to save bullets or well have none left for all the executions the Emperor has ordered.
In yet another part of the ship soldiers are looking for passengers. The Princess sticks her head out from a corner just to be sure she is seen and can be captured.
Soldier: There is one. Set for stun.
The princess run right into the open to be extra sure she is caught so all can feel sorry for her but she does get to shoot one guard though its later discovered he died from heart failure and her shot had missed by miles.
Soldier: I have to say this to you readers; dont worry. Shell be al right.
Soon after the princess is brought before Lord Magnus.
Princess Jean: Lord Magnus. The UC (United Counsel) wont allow this
Lord Magnus: Sure, they will.
Princess Jean: How do you figure that?
Lord Magnus: Because it says so here.
He holds up a piece of paper that says:
We, the UC, have no trouble seeing Princess Jean dead. Especially not since she has cheated on all of us at one time or another.
- The senators.
Princess Jean: Oh.
Lord Magnus: Yeah. So, you wanna tell me where the rebel base is or do I get to torture you? *Please* let me torture you.
Princess Jean: If you let me go
Ill make love to you.
Lord Magnus: UGH. I wanted to torture you not get tortured!
Princess Jean: You
Lord Magnus: Women. Take her away.
The Princess is lead away, all the way trying to seduce the guards to release her, which doesnt work. The captain enters.
Captain: The plans arent onboard. A boat got away.
Lord Magnus: She must have hidden the plans in it. Send someone to get them. Where did the boat land?
Captain: In the middle of Nowhere.
Load Magnus: Oh. Nice sunny place.
* * *
Scene 2- The servants in the middle of nowhere
* * *
Boring scene. Lets move on
* * *
Scene 3 Xavier Kenobi meets Scott Skywalker
* * *
We open to see a strip bar, two men sitting by a table. One is Scott Skywalker, a handsome young man with a Savior complex and Red Shades and the other is an older man in a wheelchair, bald and
.well, bald should cover it.
Scott Skywalker: Xavier Kenobi, I was told you trained my father to become a great warrior.
Xavier Kenobi: Oh. Says who?
Scott: Well........I thought I just did.
Xavier: Oh, yeah, you did. So what of it?
Scott: So, teach me to be a great warrior so I can go do hero stuff and sacrifice my life for Someone.
Xavier: Tell you something; Someone is way too annoying to be worth sacrificing your life for him. So; No.
Scott: What do you mean No? You cant say no.
Xavier: Why not? Im busy trying to pick up chicks here. Now go plague someone else.
Scott takes up a book that conveniently lay on a chair next to him and turns it to a page.
Scott: Look here, old man. It says right there and Xavier agrees to train Scott.. See?
Xavier takes the paper from Scott and reads the lines. He then reads the cover.
Xavier: Damn. How did you get your hands on the manuscript? Never mind
..fine, Ill help you.
Scott: Great. You wont regret it. I have two servants with me who can lead us to a Princess and everything. This is so exciting!
Xavier: Oh, man. This is gonna be a long trip.
He stands up and reluctantly walks with Scott out the strip bar.
wasnt you supposed to be in a wheelchair?
Xavier: I was?
He quickly scans the manuscript.
Xavier: HA. It doesnt say I have to be in a wheelchair *all* the time. I only use it to pick up babes anyway.
Xavier: Shut up. Whos training whom here? Come, lets find us a captain and go save that princess.
* * *
The Scott and Logan meet scene
oh, two handsome men within 50 feet of each other
* * *
Were in a church as suddenly a handsome rogue named Logan Solo and Vicbacca, his overgrown mud
Vicbacca: I resent that.
..and his well trimmed overgrown dog
Narrator: Thanks. Now, shut up!
..where were we? Oh, yeah. Anyway, this handsome stud and his
companion suddenly bust into the church, firing wildly behind them as they literally ran into Xavier and Scott.
Logan: Were in the middle of a fight here. Walk only inside the dotted line.
Scott: Sorry but were looking for a captain to help us save a princess.
Logan: I dont do Princesses.
As he speaks he and Vicky
Vicbacca: I *hate* that name! I *hate* you!
Narrator: Quiet or Ill let you die before this page is up.
.Logan and Vicky keep firing at something but only succeed in almost bringing down the house. A priest comes running.
Priest: Its terrible!
Scott: Were so sorry about the damages, Father
Priest: Kurt. Its not the damages. Who cares about that? This building is over 500 years old anyway. No, one of his shots ruined the wine!
Xavier: Get lost, Kurt. Were on a mission here
..know where there are any strip joints?
Vicbacca: What was it again you wanted?
Scott: To save a princess, destroy a super weapon and save the world. Before 8 tonight. I want to be home to watch the reruns of Jeopardy.
Logan: Thats all? I thought it was something hard.
Scott: Will you do it?
Logan: Whats in it for me?
Scott: Well pay you.
Xavier: With what?
Scott: Arent you loaded?
Xavier: Ive spent it all
..on women no doubt.
Xavier: Or men. Im not picky.
Scott looks towards the skies.
Scott: A little help here, thanks.
Narrator: Typical. Chivalry truly is dead.
Logan: Whatever. Give me some coins or your little adventure will be without me and lets face it; without me no story is worth reading.
Narrator: Are you sure this universe is big enough for your ego?
Logan: Actually; no. You better leave.
Logan: I thought it was.
Suddenly some coins appear in Logans hands.
Logan: Good. Were now in the saving the world business.
Vicbacca: Then maybe we can soon pay off Sinister The Hut for that little accident you had.
Logan: God damn it, Vic. How many times do I have to tell you; It wasnt my fault. The guys tail *does* look like a mop.
* * *
* * *
Logan, Scott and Xavier gets onboard Lord Magnuss flagship and amazing succeeds in getting past hundreds of guards to reach the Princesss cell. Scott enters the cell only to find it is nothing but a livingroom with a TV set.
Scott: Princess Jean, Im here to save you.
Princess Jean: About time. What kept you? People these days. Do you know the torture I have been put through?
Logan: A broken nail?
Princess Jean: How did you know? That wasnt even the worst part.
Logan: Why? You broke two?
Jean: The worst part was that they forced me
forced me to watch this horrible video
of them burning Gucci shoes! Can you imagine?!
Logan: Oh, yeah. The horror is unspeakable.
Scott: Bad guys coming. Lets run to the ship.
Everyone runs towards the ship. They come to a crossway. Scott is about to drag Jean one way.
Logan: Oh, no, you dont. Ive seen this part too. Youre not getting any free kisses here. I know the way.
Logan, Scott and Jean reaches the ship only to see Xavier and Lord Magnus locked in deadly combat.
Scott: We have to help him.
Jean: Who cares about him? Im safe.
Logan: Oh, yeah. That was my first concern too.
Jean: Of course it was. Everyone loves me. Im perfect. Im smart, powerful, sexy, beautiful
Logan: Please God, just kill me now.
Jean: Hey, I wasnt finished!
Logan: Is there anything more important to you than your ego?
Jean: If there is I want it caught and shot!
Scott: Xavier is losing!
Logan: How do you know?
Scott: Magnus just said checkmate
The deadly art of chess playing was a horrifying act to watch indeed and as Scott had said; Xavier lost.
Logan: Why in the world are you screaming?
Scott: Oops, sorry. I was a bit too fast.
Lord Magnus kills Xavier in front of Scott, Logan and Jean.
Logan puts his hand over Scotts mouth.
Logan: Thanks. I got it the first time.
Jean: Come on. Lets go. Tell me are you always this incompetent or am I just lucky?
Logan: Thats it. Im not moving one inch until she is replaced!
Narrator: Now, listen, thats an unreasonable
.Ah, its a very reasonable demand; sure.
Suddenly Princess Jean turns into Princess Rogue.
Logan: Much better.
Scott: Thank God! Does this mean I dont have to date her in this universe?
Scott: YES. Im freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Im freeeeeeeeeeeeee!
* * *
Destroying the Water Star
* * *
The Water Star is inside a big building that the rebels need to blow up. Naturally all rebels save Scott has failed at this task; could be the crabs they had for dinner or the fact that theyre all asleep.
Anyway, our fearless hero nears the building.
Logan: Use the force.
Scott: What? What force?
Logan: Oops. I mean, kill the fuckers!
Scott plants the explosive and the plant explores in a lot of fire and smoke.
Logan: You can come out now. Everyone has begun to worry about you.
Out of the smoke, like a graceful figure from a dream, like a lost memory, like
Logan: Enough with the metaphors already!
Narrator: Hey! I happen to like em
Narrator: You know, violence really isnt the answer
Scott was alive and well, the plant had blown up. But
Scott and Logan: But? But doesnt sound good. Its not
it doesnt mean
Narrator: Oh, yes!
Scott and Logan: Oh, no!
Narrator: Oh, yes. Lord Magnus was still alive and out there.
Scott and Logan: *big sigh* What have I done to deserve this?
Narrator: You want a list?
Sound of eye blasts being fired
Narrator: Now, guys, lets be reasonable
Ugh. I didnt mean
* * *
* * *
Logan, Scott and Vicky
*gets stern look from Vicbacca*
I mean Vicbacca gets ready to walk towards the podium where the beautiful Princess Jean
Logan: Will you stop with the Jean thing already?! Gee, I thought we had that one cleared up!
Okay, where were we? Oh, yes.
Where the beautiful Princess Rogue
Logan: Much better.
Narrator: Will you shut up and let me finish?!
Scott: Hell be quiet now.
Where the beautiful Princess Rogue is waiting for them. The doors open and they begin to walk towards her between the lines of soldiers who are really underpaid technicians hijacked for the job but who cares?
Logan looks stunning in his black west and the Bloodstripe down his pants. Scott wears a yellow jacket
Scott: Why did I get the yellow jacket?! I look like Jubilee!
Narrator: How the Hell should I know? I just say what Im told. Now, shut up!
Scott (mumbling to himself): This is not fair.
Scott wears a yellow jacket and looks very
Scott (sarcastic): Real funny.
Logan: I thought it was.
They reach the podium and Princess Rogue hang big medals with Xs on them around their necks.
Logan: What IS it with your people and the letter X anyway?!
Scott: Well, I wanted to have sex but the comic code doesnt allow that word so we had to take out the s and e. 1 out of 3 isnt bad.
Logan: suppose not.
The heroes turn around to receive the techni
I mean the soldiers applause. They smile and all is well in the world.
Vicbacca: Hey, what about me? Dont I get a medal?
Narrator: Youre a sidekick. Sidekicks never get anything
.well they die from time to time but other than that
Vicbacca: Life sucks.
Scott: You realized that too?
Narrator: Hey! Youre supposed to be happy. Now shut up and smile!
And they lived happily ever after
.until someone found out that sequels sells! Money, money, money
its a rich mans world
* * *
The End this time for real
..truly *crossed fingers*
Logan: Yeah, right
.and if you believe that I have some nice sunshine spots on Hoth Ill like to sell you
Narrator: Hey. I think Im insulted.
.you can think?
Scott: Hey, what about me?
Narrator: What *is* it with The end you dont get?!
..can I take a few minutes and think about it?
..and while you do that