Love Without Touch
By Nadja Lee 29/03/02
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: X-men and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.
Universe: Set in the movie universe; NOT the book which goes with it.
Romance: Logan/Rogue, Scott/Jean
Summary: Logan complains to Scott over the curse on his and Rogues relationship; their inability to touch. To his surprise Scott shares his grief and pain; maybe even more so.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@...
Rating: R. Strong R.
It was early morning and the sun was just rising as Logan walked from the room he shared with Rogue towards the kitchen. Dressed in boxers and his hair messy anyone could tell he had had an uneasy night. This time the reason hasnt just been nightmares but events that had happened the night before.
Logan and Rogue had married two years earlier and though his time with Rogue was the greatest joy he had ever known it was also the greatest sorrow. To be so near her; hold her covered body close to his at night yet knowing he could never touch her bare skin, knowing she could never bear him any children
what pained him the most was that it hurt Rogue; she wished so much for touch, for a child
. the things normal couples take for granted.
Turning a corner Logan reached the kitchen and saw Scott sitting by the table, a cup of coffee in his hands and his shaded eyes looking out over the garden. He was already fully dressed; ready for his first classes. He frowned like he was concerned but then Scott always looked concerned.
Jeannie threw you out? Logan teased lightly as he found a beer in the fridge and took a seat across from Scott.
No, Scott answered quietly, still looking out into the garden. Logan frowned. Something was really bothering him. Since his return his relationship with Scott had grown warmer; towards respect but their teasing was an unspoken rule between them. Something was really bothering him since he didnt have a quick line ready. Fearing the worst for the people at the mansion he had come to look upon as his pack and family he had to ask though he knew Scott was a very closed and private person.
What is it?
Scott shook his head and seemed to come out of the dark place his thoughts had wandered to. He forced a smile.
Nothing. So, why are you up so early? In typical manner Scott said nothing of himself but turned the conversation on to Logan.
Rogue was upset last night, Logan admitted, knowing of the brother/sister like relationship Scott shared with his wife.
Is she alright? Scott asked concerned.
Yeah, shes fine, Logan reassured him. Scott took a sip of his coffee before he turned back to face Logan.
What was she upset about?
The usual. Us not being able to touch and
.. Logan looked away and drank from his beer.
You love each other. Thatll have to be enough, Scott said softly, his voice hinting something he wasnt saying. Logan shook his head in frustration.
You dont understand. Shes my wife and I cant fuckin touch her! Logan yelled, felling the familiar despair over the hopelessness of their situation.
I understand, Scott mumbled softly.
You understand shit! You have no idea what its like to lie in bed beside the woman you love; knowing you can never hold her, touch her
..kiss her. You have no idea what that does to you! What that does to your love! Logan yelled furiously, emptying his beer and slamming the empty can onto the table.
Yes, I do know and I also know that your love is special. You can get past this. Im sure of it, Scott explained. Angered and bitter Logan lashed out and threw the empty beer can and the rest of Scotts coffee on the floor.
You dont understand! How dare you say you understand?! You dont understand my pain
you dont understand hers! Logan yelled, tears forming in his eyes. God, he loved her so much it was driving him crazy.
I do understand; her better than you, Scott answered calmly but his voice was like ice as he bent down and began to pick up the pieces of the broken cup.
Oh, spare me your psychology; you suck at it anyway, Logan said disgusted; too wrapped up in his own misery and despair to see or feel anything else. Before he knew what was happening Scott had him pinched to the wall; his eyes blazing red beneath his glasses and his voice like ice as he spoke.
I *do* understand
..for Im unable to touch Jean like Rogues unable to touch you, Scott said; his voice dangerously low. Logan tore himself free and just stared dumbstruck at Scott.
What the Hell do you mean? Logan brummed. Scott sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. Though Logan couldnt see his eyes the pain and agony was craved as in stone on his face.
I have AIDS.
A pen could have been heard fall to the floor; there was death silence in the room.
Youre fag? Logan blurred out, still in shock.
This was why I didnt tell you, Scott waved disgusted at him. Narrow-minded people annoyed him till no end but he had never thought Logan to be like that. Before he had never taken a stand regarding homosexuality, not for and not against; hadnt seen the need to. But after
After he had known he had AIDS he had seen the pure love that could exist between two women or two men
..he had felt their joy, love, pain and grief and he had come to realise that any love when freely given and received was a blessing.
Scott put the pieces of the broken cup in the sick and turned to go, needing to get away. Logans hand shot out and held him back.
Logan let go of Scott and ran a hair through his messy hair.
.Im sorry, okay?
Scott nodded, crossing his arms over his chest in an old age gesture of self-protection but remaining in the room, which Logan took as a good sign.
Does anyone know? Logan asked.
Jean, Rogue, Ororo and the Professor
and now you, Scott explained, not really knowing what had made him tell Logan anyway. A need to share his pain maybe? A need
for something he couldnt even put into words.
Logan wondered why Rogue hadnt told him but as soon as he asked himself that he knew the answer; she feared his reaction.
shouldnt you be like
. Logan spread out his arms, not knowing what to say. He couldnt get any illnesses thanks to his healing factor so he had never bothered to find out much about them.
Lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Dead? Scott suggested, a smile playing over his lips and for a few seconds Logan could recognise the Scott he knew in this private and shy Scott he saw now.
I have HIV, not AIDS yet. Dont worry; the falling apart and dying will come later, his black humour was back and Logan took that as a good sign.
How long have you known?
I found out a month before you first showed up, Scott explained.
And you told Jeannie
..that was why you were so cold and distant towards each other; barely touching at all, Logan figured out.
Yeah. I was afraid of infecting her; still unsure as to how it infected people and she was scared of being with me though she did all in her power to prove otherwise, there was pain and loss in his voice for those first months had been very hard on both him and Jean. A death sentence wasnt an easy thing to live with.
You still married her. You still
..I saw you kiss her other day. Ive seen you kiss several times! Logan suddenly realised and remembered now that Scott had kissed Rogue on the forehead a few times too. Good God
was Rogue dying?
Dont worry; theyre both perfectly safe. AIDS only infects through mixed body fluids like when you have sex
or mix blood, Scott reassured him. He would never take any chance with any persons life. If it werent perfectly safe he would never have done it.
Logan visibly relaxed.
So when you said you understood
Logan began, realizing just how much alike their situations was.
I meant it. Jean and I cant have children as you cant. We cant be together as other normal couples can; just like you but
.despite it all we have held true to each other and our love. After the first few months we both realised that I was living on borrowed time and we wanted to make the most of it. When I spoke of true love its because Ive felt it; Ive found it. When I said love and marriage was possible without touch if your love is strong enough its because I know such strong love exists. Ive felt it, Ive given it and Ive received it.
Logan nodded, understanding.
How did you get infected? he asked softly.
A few months before you came I was in a car accident. I needed blood. That blood was infected, Scott explained, trying to hold his feelings in check as he relived the worst moment in his life; the day the doctor had told him he had tested positive for HIV.
For a moment there was complete silence. Logan was thinking of a love so strong it stayed true even when faced with death and he realised that if Scott and Jean could make it work, knowing Scott was dying more and more for each day
. then he and Rogue could make it work too. At least theyll have each other for a whole lifetime. They were lucky; he knew that now. His eyes found Scotts and he suddenly noticed that he held his arms around himself as if he was freezing, that he seemed drawn back and a bit fearful. He remembered that over the last couple of years Scott had given Ro more and more responsibility; training with her and guiding her. Logan realised that he was training her to take over from him when he was gone.
Logan couldnt even begin to imagine what it was like to live, knowing you had so little time left, knowing you better make each hour count
knowing you were dying as your body was betraying you. He couldnt get sick and he couldnt die. He would never feel that pain or go through that agony.
His eyes found Scotts again and he knew one thing he could do before it was too late; he could try and open up; try and get to know the real Scott so hell always carry a true memory of Scott with him through the ages.
Come here, Logan whispered softly, knowing this first move was his as he reached out and drew Scott into a brotherly embrace, now knowing why Scott normally kept anyone at arms length. First Scott tried to draw back until he remembered who held him; a man he couldnt hurt
.in any way. Getting lost in a rare moment of pure touch Scott put his arms around Logan and held him close and closed his eyes; dreaming himself far away and forgetting everything but the feeling of being safe and being touched.
Logan held him for a long while until Scott reluctantly drew back and smiled shyly at him before he quickly exited the kitchen.
Logan looked after him long after Scott had disappeared around a corner down the corridor.
The Navajo have a saying: The spirit lives as long as someone who lives remembers you
And Logan would make sure he stayed alive for a very long time so not only Scotts spirit would always be there but also so his beloved Rogue would always be with him; souring high above the skies.