FICL Dirty Girl Scout Cookies 1/3
- Title: Dirty Girl Scout Cookies 1/3
Summary: First the Boy Scouts got it, now it's time for those
F^&*ing cookie mongers to get what they've had coming for years
Author's Notes: This holds the same characters as "Nature Trail to
Hell," so it's a bit of a sequel I guess.
Yes, my issues with children's organizations surface once again ..
It had been months since the standoff in Montana. Scott was
gone; all the enemies were behind bars or performing in a circus, or
at a publishing house But details are trivial anyway. Point is,
life at the Pepto-Bismol Mansion was going along swimmingly.
Logan, Rogue, Jean, Ororo, Remy and all the other adults at
the mansion had stared evil in the face and lived to tell about it,
there was nothing they couldn't face! The boy scouts had been
defeated. All traces of evil had been wiped from the planet.
Jubilee and Kitty raced towards the door eager to meet what they were
sure was the damn fine UPS man delivering another mysterious box to
the owner of the residence. Instead the two fought too open the door
and upon seeing what lay on the other side they screamed in horror
and ran to push the panic button conveniently located next to the
The X-Men dropped whatever it was they happened to be doing at the
moment. Which just for informational purposes ranged from the G-NC-
17 range. In approximately two minutes, all members of the X-Men
were in various stages of dress and assembled in the hallway, reading
to face whatever form or evilness happened to be afoot.
A stricken Kitty attacked Logan when he attempted to open the front
door. "For the love or all that is holy don't open that door!" she
wailed from her new location on Logan's back.
Rolling his eyes and gently shaking the girl from his back, the
mighty Wolverine crossed the rest of the empty space and pulled open
the door. Instead of finding a gaggle of FOHers, evil haglets,
wretched warlocks, Jehovah's witnesses or even worse, a salesman, all
Logan could see before him were two little girls dressed all in
Upon seeing the two mini-saleswomen, Jubilee, Kitty and Rogue all
turned tail and ran screaming into the depths of the mansion. There
were only one thing that Rogue, a full member of the team could not
face, and girl scouts happened to be it.
"Hi! We're from troupe 666 and we're selling cookies. How many boxes
would you like to purchase?" the little Brownies rattled off with an
unsettling degree of synchronicity.
At this point, Logan's hackles were raised. Anything that made
Marie run off like that HAD to be pure evil. Hell, she wasn't even
afraid of Martha Stuart. Without giving it a second thought, Logan
unsheathed his claws and got in the face of the blonde brownie
standing in front of him. "Why'd you make Marie run off, punk?"
The girl didn't even flinch. She simply reached into her pocket and
pulled out a thin brown cookie. "Here, the delicious flavor and
natural mint preservatives will make your breath less yucky" she said
before shoving the cookie into Logan's mouth. Too shocked to do
anything, Logan simply backed away and chewed thoughtfully on the
brown disk. He suddenly had the yearning to wear a short brown disk
and sing round after round of the friendship song.
Snapping himself out of it, Logan spit out the remainder of the
cookie, and to his dismay part of the former cookie landed on the red
headed girl's shoe. Her eyes narrowed in rage and she looked ready
to leap on the large man, when her young companion helps her
back. "Not now. We haven't made the sale yet!" the blonde one
Amused at the going on's, Jean turned to the girls. "What kind of
cookies do you have?"
" Thin mints, and Carmel delights are the most popular cookies.
Peanut butter patties are another favorite." The little girl
rattled off. The red head was still glaring menacingly at Logan.
Hank appeared from around the corner and pushing his glasses onto his
nose, voiced his particular query. "Would you be able to tell me
what is in those delightful cookies?"
The red head spoke up. "Glucose, sodium nitrate, underquoutasans,
and artificial flavoring.
"What's the underquoutasans?" Jean asked, more than a little curious.
"The two looked at each other, silently debating weather or not to
tell the prospective clients in front of them. Speaking in unison
again they replied, "scouts who haven't achieved their quota of
cookie sales for the year."
"Wait, you mean they put real girl scouts in the cookies for not
selling enough?" Ororo asked in shock.
"They had it coming" the red head stated mater of factly.
"Give us a minute" Ororo politely told the girls before shutting the
"This cannot go on! They are using innocent girl scouts in their
cookies!" Jean shouted in righteous indignation.
Logan meanwhile had bolted to his room to thoroughly SCOPE out his
mouth. A few minutes later he appeared.
"Don't tell Chuck they're here, he'll invite them in and buy a whole
year's worth most likely to go with his goddamn tea."
"It is obvious to me that we must stop this insanity. It's just wrong
on so many levels! Can I get an Amen?!" Jean thundered.
"Amen. Now, I have an idea, but we need to learn where they are
stationed at, and then strike when their defenses are down" Hank
"Their defenses are never down. Their motto is to `be prepared.'"
Ororo chimed in.
"Listen, let's get rid of the little Nazi's and get to kicking some
"Logan, they're little girls, you can't kick their asses" Jean
"Nobody, feeds me a dirty Girl Scout cookie and don't pay for it" he
raged as the claws shot out of his hands again."
"Logan, although attempting to be a little barbaric with the
situation is correct. This is intolerable and we must stop them!"
"Oui, Remy sick now just from watching mon ami" he said while
clapping Logan on the back in a show of support."
"We'll discuss this later, but right now we have to get rid of them."
Opening the door she smiled serenely at the girls. "I'm sorry, but we
have to do a head count of how many of the teacher's here would like
to purchase your delightful cookies. Is there a location we can reach
you at later?"
"You could call us and we can take the order like that," the blonde
"We uh, don't have a phone" Logan replied.
The girls exchanged skeptical looks. "It's a mansion."
"We're a little behind the times" Jean explained sheepishly.
"Well, do you have the internet? You can fill out a cookie request
form online," the red haired one continued.
"What exactly is the, internet?" Hank asked in his most
sincere `naïve' voice.
"Okay. You can come to our troupe meeting tomorrow at 999 Lleh
With that, the two little girls turned down the long, winding
driveway and went back to the carpool of girl scouts.
Sighing in relief, the team retreated to the conference room, intent
on finding a way to rid the world of the girly menace.
"We need to get to the root of this, find out what it is that makes
the girl scouts so evil" Jean began, "and based on their behavior, I
believe Jubilee, Rogue and Kitty have the answer.
"The question is where do we find them?" Hank asked.
"Well, nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their bottom. Let's
look" Ororo stated.
The team rose and headed into separate directions to attempt to find
the missing links.