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FIC: Shaddows of Doubt

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  • Autumn Biggins
    Title: Shaddows of Doubt Author: Autumn E-mail: eddievedderismylife@hotmail.com Rating: PG=13, adult themes Summary: “You say it looks as though I might
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 19, 2001
      Title: Shaddows of Doubt

      Author: Autumn

      E-mail: eddievedderismylife@...

      Rating: PG=13, adult themes

      Summary: �You say it looks as though I might give up this fight.�

      Author�s Notes: The lyrics are from Fionna Apple�s �Never is a Promise�
      Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark.

      Staking a Claim: Of course I own the X-Men. I also own FOX, Marvel and Stan

      Notes 2: Really, really dark. Not something to read if you�d like to stay
      in a happy state of mind. Still with me? Okay, I warned you.


      You�ll never see-the courage I know
      Its colors richness won�t appear within your view
      I�ll never glow-the way that you glow
      Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

      But as the scenery grows, I see in different light
      The shapes and shadows undulate in my perception
      My feelings swell and stretch; I see from different heights
      I understand what I am still too proud to mention-to you

      You�ll say you understand, but you don�t understand
      You�ll say you�d never give up seeing eye to eye
      But never is a promise and you can�t afford to lie

      Logan, Magneto, David and Marie all reside in my head. That�s a lot of
      personalities for such a small space, and it�s starting to take its toll.
      I�m afraid of what the ultimate cost will be, but I know I can�t avoid it.
      Three weeks after the battle at the Statue of Liberty was the first time it
      happened. I was playing foosball with Bobby, Remy, and Jubes when for no
      reason; I started bawling my eyes out. This went on for two days and I hid
      out in my room. I slipped further and further from reality, and for the
      first time I didn�t really care to be alive.
      The hours dragged on, as despair ate away at my insides. It became
      unbearable, the voices, the rage and the hate. I decided I couldn�t stay
      here any longer. Five minutes and thirty aspirin later I was wretching into
      a toilet. If my body hadn�t perceived the medicine as a poison, I could
      have been lying in peaceful oblivion by now. So much for long term
      The Logan in my head was extremely pissed and upset about the whole thing.
      He didn�t understand why I would want to end my life when I had so much
      going for me. He told me I was beautiful and intelligent and sexy. I never
      believed him. How could I when deep down I know he was only saying that to
      make me feel better? In any case, it didn�t work.

      You�ll never touch-these things that I hold
      The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
      You�ll never feel the heat of this soul
      My fever burns me deeper than I�ve ever shown-to you

      You�ll say don�t fear your dreams; its easier than it seems
      You�ll say you�d never let me fall from hopes so high
      But never is a promise, and you can�t afford to lie.

      Erik knows what it feels like. The self-loathing, doubting and
      uncontrollable actions that come from hardcore depression. The mansion
      residents eventually picked up on my mood shift, but they never really
      understood what it was. Jean thought it was just longing for Logan to
      return. The Professor believed it was from juggling four personalities.
      Scott believed it was from a deep-seated need to vent repressed feelings.
      They all had a guess, but none were really close. In the end, I just
      changed in a lot of ways, for no real reason.
      Jubes became concerned when my daily ensemble consisted of a pair of
      sweatpants and a turtleneck sweater. She got really pissed when I laughed
      at her when she confronted me about it. It didn�t bother me. Why should
      it? After all, how can you really care about someone�s opinion of you when
      you already hate yourself more than they possibly could? Clothes were just
      a silly thing anyway. Something a mutant with deadly skin, a poison
      personality and unstable mind certainly didn�t need to worry about.
      Logan kept growling at me and telling me I was wrong. I would have liked
      to believe him, but there really wasn�t a point. That just seemed to make
      him angrier and my frequency of headaches became legendary. Logan was
      persistent in a lot of things. He hounded me about my lack of interest in
      things I had cared about before. He also threw a huge fit when I thought
      about giving up my goal of being a professional writer. He said I had four
      imaginations to work with, so I may as well use them. Eric and David agreed
      with this consensus. I came around as well, sure I was ugly, but maybe not
      as stupid as I had begun to believe.

      You�ll never live the life that I live
      I�ll never live the life that wakes me in the night
      You�ll never hear the message I give
      You say it looks as though I might give up this fight

      But as the scenery grows, I see in different light
      The shapes and shadows undulate in my perception
      My feelings swell and stretch; I see from different heights
      I understand what I am now too smart to mention-to you

      You�ll say you understand, you�ll never understand
      I�ll say I�ll never wake up knowing how or why
      I don�t know what to believe in, you don�t know who I am
      You�ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry

      But never is a promise
      And I�ll never need a lie

      In all honesty, I don�t know how people live like this all the time.
      Self-doubt nagging at the back of their mind like a rabid dog. An
      unrelenting litany of should have�s and could have�s, and self-criticism
      raining down upon them. The way I see it there are only two ways to deal
      with it. One can either confront the source, or one can hide it from the
      world. I hope someday I�m strong enough to deal with this on my own terms.
      For now, I�ll just have to listen to Logan and try to believe him.


      "The Sweeter the sin, the bitter the taste, in my mouth."-U2

      " I see a girl of the night with a baby in her hand
      Under an old streetlight next to a garbage can
      Now she put her kid away and she's gonna get ahead
      She hates her life and what she's done with it
      That's one more kid that'll never go to school
      Never get to fall in love, never get to be cool"
      -Rockin' in the Free World, Neil Young

      "In this life, there are nothing but posibilities."-Empire Records

      Lucas: Waren, look what you took. Rap, metal, rap, metal, Whitney Houston?
      Waren: Its for my girlfriend.
      Lucas: Sure it is. A guy like you needs to diminsh his criminal impulses,
      not magnify them!
      - Empire Records

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