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Fic: Waiting in Vain - 1/1 {Rogue, R/G]

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  • victoria_p@att.net
    Title: Waiting in Vain Author: Victoria P. [victoria_p@att.net] Summary: I love Remy. I do. But something s missing. Series: Um, sequel to Just My
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 31, 2001
      Title: Waiting in Vain
      Author: Victoria P. [victoria_p@...]
      Summary: "I love Remy. I do. But something's missing."
      Series: Um, sequel to "Just My Imagination"
      Rating: PG - mild sexual references
      Disclaimer: All X-Men characters belong to Marvel and
      Fox; this piece of fan-written fiction intends no
      infringement on any copyrights. "Waiting in Vain" is by
      the legendary Bob Marley.
      Archive: Lists, Muse's Fool; if you've already got my
      stuff, sure. If not, please ask. I'll say yes.
      Feedback: Please don't make me wait in vain.
      Notes: Thanks to Jen, Pete, Dot, and Meg. I didn't plan
      on a sequel to "Just My Imagination" but this hit and
      well, who am I to resist when Rogue starts talking? I
      think it's kind of sucky, actually, but I can't figure
      out how to fix it. Of course, this means there needs to
      be a third story, because I must have closure. Curses!

      Oh, and really, it's not Remy's fault.


      Waiting in Vain

      I love Remy.

      I do.

      But something's missing.

      I can't quite put my finger on what it is. He's funny,
      he's hot, he makes my heart race when I'm with him. But
      still, something is off, and it's bothering me.

      We had sex for the first time the other night. It was
      awkward, to say the least. I mean, I expected that.
      Lethal skin isn't exactly an aphrodisiac, so of course,
      he had to be very careful, which I'm sure he isn't used

      He was very gentle. It was my first time ever. But I
      didn't -- I didn't come. And I know that bothered him.
      Jubes tells me I should have faked it, but I couldn't do
      that. It would be lying. Why would anyone want to be with
      someone who lied about something so intimate? You could
      never trust that person, if they could lie to you at the
      moment when they're supposed to be completely open and
      *with* you.

      I'm not stupid. I knew it wasn't going to be like those
      romance novels where it's all perfect the first time, and
      she comes three times before he finally finishes.

      But I've got something other girls don't -- I've got
      Logan's memories. Admittedly, those just give the male
      point of view, but let's just say, none of the women he's
      been with complained. They could have been acting, I
      suppose, but with his sense of smell and the way he can
      hear your heartbeat, I think he'd know it.

      So I figure that was all on the up-and-up.

      And while I'm over the crush on him -- really, I am -- it
      makes me wonder what it would have been like with him.

      I wish I could talk to someone about it. Jubilee thinks
      I'm crazy to worry, says we'll work out all the kinks.
      Then she made some remark about working in the kinks, but
      I'm not ready for that stuff yet.

      It's bad enough my boyfriend and I have to wear gloves
      and full-body condoms when we make love. I don't think we
      need to add any other weird stuff.

      Anyway, I could go to Jean or Storm, I guess, but I'm not
      comfortable with that. I know Storm would be all serene
      and wise and tell me that it takes time and patience.

      I don't know what Jean would tell me. I worked hard to be
      normal around her, what with all the Logan-lust for her
      I've had floating around in my head. Talking about sex
      with her -- that would probably just bring back all the
      weirdness. But I do sympathize with all the boys now. It
      *is* hard to concentrate on dissecting a fetal pig when
      you're staring at your teacher's boobs and wondering how
      they'd feel in your hands.

      And we're going to stop thinking like that.

      I finish my shower and start getting dressed for my date
      with Remy. I know we're going to try the sex thing again
      tonight, so I dust this sparkly powder all over my skin,
      knowing that he probably won't even notice, because I'll
      be all covered up.

      I reach into my jewelry box for a pair of earrings when I
      feel it.

      Logan's tags.

      He's written once or twice since he left. Short letters
      that don't tell me anything about him or how he's

      I know he's hurting because Jean turned him down. And I'm
      pretty sure he's not coming back this time, which sucks,
      because he was my best friend, even more than Jubes or
      Kitty. I know he would have told me the real deal about
      this sex thing.

      He doesn't include a return address on his letters, so I
      can't write and ask him. I don't think Remy would
      appreciate that, either.

      Speaking of whom, he walks into the room as I'm standing
      there, half-dressed, clutching Logan's dog tags in my
      bare hand.

      "What you doin' chere?"

      "Getting ready."

      He pulls on a pair of gloves and takes my hand.

      "It'll get better, ma coeur. Remy promise." He knows what
      I've been thinking about; he's been thinking about it,
      too. He takes the tags and puts them back in the jewelry
      box. Then he kisses my hair and whispers, "Why don't we
      forget dinner and just have dessert?"

      My heart flutters and I feel the heat between my legs, so
      I agree.

      It's better this time, and the time after that.

      After a couple of months, I stop worrying about the sex
      part of the relationship.

      That's not what's missing.

      I feel like I'm waiting for something, and I just don't
      know what it is.

      Logan's letters are coming less and less frequently,
      which hurts. I know he doesn't love me, but the least he
      could do is keep me up-to-date on what he's doing. He
      knows how I feel about him.

      At least, I think he does.

      I pull the dog tags out. I've just gotten a letter from
      him. He's in Calgary for the Stampede. Says the fighting
      money is too good to pass up.

      He signs the letter, "Yours, Logan," the way he always
      does, but for some reason, this time I notice it.

      He's mine?

      Am I his?

      Is that what's missing, what I've been waiting for?

      I think about that, staring out the window at the sunny

      I love him. I know that. I'm not *in* love with him -- I
      worked hard to get over the crush while he was away the
      first time. Eighteen months of unrequited longing is
      quite enough, thanks. And when he came back, we hung out
      a lot, but I was already with Remy, and I didn't want him
      to feel jealous of Logan. I don't ever want anyone to
      feel the way I did when I saw Logan flirting with Jean.

      When he left, I thought I was all right with that. I
      didn't want to be that silly girl with a crush anymore,
      so I was very adult. "Be careful. Don't forget to write."
      And a big smile. I figured that's what he wanted -- to be
      free of his obligation to me.

      But I watched him go, and I couldn't help it. I started
      crying. I stood at the gate and willed him to come back,
      to take me with him, but he didn't. He might have looked
      back; I'm not sure. Things were a little blurry.

      So, now I'm waiting, watching, and hoping. For what, I
      don't know. I can't tell how I feel about anything
      anymore. I didn't think it was fair to Remy, so I broke
      up with him a few days ago. He thinks I'm crazy. Everyone
      thinks I'm crazy, waiting in vain for Logan to come back
      and love me.

      I know that I'm not number one on his priority list, but
      I don't mind, as long as I think there's a shot I could
      be with him. And I think there is -- he still writes to
      me, even though I know how much he hates that. He doesn't
      write to Jean or the Professor. He didn't ask for the
      tags back when he left.

      It's been three years since I met him, and I still have
      all these feelings. I just need to know if I'm crazy or
      if I have a chance, so I've packed a bag. The Professor
      is lending me some money, and I'm heading out to Calgary,
      to see if I can't track down the Wolverine, and find out
      once and for all what this thing is between us.

      I finally know what's missing. It's the piece of my heart
      he took with him when he left. I just hope he's willing
      to take the rest.

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