OT... but very funny
- Hey there...
I just absolutely HAD to share this with you. I'm afraid I don't know who
the author is, but I believe it originally came from a Sentinals list. I
laughed so hard that I very nearly had an accident <g>. I know it's not
exactly X-men, but it certainly applies to a lot of what is written.
Sailor Jim pauses in his latest endeavor and frowns. After a moments
contemplation, he saves his work and firmly closes his new fantasy G4
titanium PowerBook. After a meditative sip of his drink, he addresses those
"There are some literary subjects that have become total cliché and
attempting to describe an erect penis is one.
"I am writing a sex scene and my hero is now crossing the room while fully
erect. So, basically, his stiff dick is bobbing like a demented conductors
baton as he crosses the room ... however, one cannot simply write, 'He
crossed the room, his stiff dick bobbing like ... ' and so forth. Well, one
could if one was writing that sort of scene (and one was half plastered), but
this one cannot.
"To write anything referring to his 'turgid manhood' is also somewhat tacky.
Hell, just the term 'manhood' to describe the penis strikes me as idiotic.
A dick is no more one's 'manhood' than a hymen is one's 'maidenhood.'
'He strutted across the bedroom, his hard manhood pointing the way' sounds
somewhat he owns a badly named seeing-eye dog. 'Sit, Hard Manhood ... good
"Just describing the state of erection is tough. It is a simple matter of
erectile flesh and hydraulics, but damnably difficult to put into terms
romantic. 'His penis, reacting to his viewing her naked flesh, achieved
satisfactory erection, proving good vascular response and socio/psychological
adjustment." Oh, yeah ... baby, baby.
"Terms like 'throbbing,' 'pulsing' and all other variations of this nature
make it sound as if the silly thing had a blood pressure cuff wrapped around
it. 'His fleshy organ quickly surged into full alertness, throbbing and
pulsing and otherwise scaring the **** out of him.' When I envision something
throbbing, I imagine an action somewhat akin to a bullfrogs throat sack as it
croaks. THROB! Frankly, with this in mind, if my dick ever took to throbbing,
I'd call a doctor. Matter of fact, I would think that any woman, faced with
an actively throbbing and pulsing penis, would be somewhat concerned as well.
(I don't know this for a fact, though ... Dian says that in certain
situations, the sight is somewhat excited, but the first time she experienced
this situation, she looked for a stick to kill it with.)
"And then there is the matter of size, shape, color and texture. Well, he's
the hero ... I suppose it should be heroic, but somewhat shy of practical
joke size. Shape, now, there's another difficulty ... as well as color and
texture. Hell, let's face it ... a dick is a fairly funny looking, if not
downright ugly, piece of equipment. Veins, bumps, ridges and all that; a
color that never matches the sheets, much less the surrounding flesh (or any
flesh, for that matter); an overall look of a plum precariously balanced on a
badly whittled rod. Let's not even mention it and simply stick to the concept
of a literary description of my hero approaching the heroine.
"Okay, he's naked and fully aroused ... does he stride? Stalk? Strut? Strikes
me as a situation that calls for something more than 'walk,' but something
less than 'bound.' I could have the silly sod moonwalk across the floor, but
the resulting mental image ... damn, too late! Oh, well .. another round of
therapy. And what does the erect penis actually do while he crosses the
floor? Does it bounce against his belly, producing it's own applause? Does it
wave about in some sort of vague response to his stride?
Would it be feasible if I simply had him hang a towel from the damn thing and
skip the entire description?
"And what about the heroine? She is languidly reclining on the bed... and
doing her level best to not bust a gut laughing, I suspect. Should she stare?
Gasp? Giggle? Ogle? Chant 'boingy, boingy, boingy' as he approaches or
whistle the 'Elephant Walk' in time to the swaying? This is suppose to be a
moment of strong passion and deep emotions ... but a bouncing, throbbing,
column of manhood slowly moonwalking forward ... damn, gotta stop that image
... strutting towards her cannot be what every woman dreams of in her fevered
imagination. I want this scene to be equally
stirring to both men and women, but fear that this is impossible."
Sailor Jim stares into the fire for a moment, then opens his PowerBook once
more. "Screw it ... or, rather, let's not. I'll simply segue from her
starting to slip out of her clothes to the morning after. Y'know, the
standard story cop-out. Thanks for letting me talk this one through."