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FIC:(Repost) Broken Mirror I: The Unattainable - R

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  • serleef@hotmail.com
    Broken Mirror I: The Unattainable By Kes Serleef Series Rating: R for some violence, and a PG-13/R for sexuality Warning: The series contains angst. Towards
    Message 1 of 1 , May 6, 2001
      Broken Mirror I: The Unattainable
      By Kes Serleef
      Series Rating: R for some violence, and a PG-13/R for sexuality
      Warning: The series contains angst. Towards the end there is some
      violence, but it really is mild I think.
      I would normally rate it a PG-13, however, I am not everyone, so I'm
      taking precautions.
      Characters: L,R,S,J
      Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the "X-Men" or any of its
      characters. That privilege belongs to Marvel, Fox, etc...no
      infringement on copyright is intended. Please don't sue me.
      Archive: Yes, but please ask me.
      Author's Note: I need a new home for my series and I hope it will be
      welcomed here. If not, please just email me privately. Thanks.
      Earlier parts of the series can be found on my site at:
      Summery: Marriage is bliss. Temptation leads to hell. Hearts are
      broken. Read on....


      The unattainable...

      Sometimes it's the things we can't have that drives us the most crazy.

      Wanting the unattainable had become a constant dull craving for Logan.

      It made no sense to him.

      He had everything he wanted. He had everything he could ever need,
      and need was always supposed to mean more than want, so he didn't get
      why — or even when — obtaining the unattainable had slowly become an

      He wondered sometimes in the back of his mind whether he would have
      the strength to resist if the unattainable became...attainable. He
      hated himself for the doubts, hated the part of him that whispered of
      his weakness.

      Then one day there were no doubts.

      He was Adam and the goddamned apple was waved in his face. A large
      part of him would have sooner cut his hand off than reach for the
      forbidden fruit, because there were so many consequences...too many.

      Giving in would lead to nothing but pain all around, he told himself,
      and so help him, he'd be damned before he hurt her. But...a smaller
      part, the part that has been the cause of the downfall of even great
      people, couldn't resist — and one day — didn't resist.

      Temptation became a possibility, and he gave in. He gave into
      temptation and burned — for twenty minutes he had felt the heat of the
      flames...and then it all fell to ashes.

      All the people who counted where burned by those flames and left
      wasted in its wake...left only with the ashes.

      But it was to her — the one person that wasn't a want, but a need;
      the one person who's love he'd rather die for than lose — it was to
      her that he dropped to his knees and begged for redemption.

      The one person who understood him the most...


      And she did understand him. That's why she know he'd tried.

      He really had.

      She would always give him credit for such a valiant fight, because he
      tried not to hurt her...she had to believe that he had really tried in
      order to keep her sanity.

      She'd chosen to look the other way for too long, because in the back
      of her mind, she had wanted to believe that there was no need for a
      struggle. It had killed her heart just a little bit every time she
      was reminded that he did.

      All it took was a too long glance in the wrong direction — the
      direction of someone else's wife.

      She'd use to wonder whether she was enough.

      Wasn't she everything he had said he wanted, everything he said he
      needed? His answer had always been an unequivocal "yes" — those few
      times in their relationship when the unspoken become spoken. The
      struggle had been an unspoken secret between them — had been there
      like an invisible force. The whys of desire for another.

      Why had he been so attracted to *her*? Why hadn't she, the woman who
      slept in his arms, been enough for him?

      Why...and...why...and..why...there were to many questions that would
      never be answered. It really didn't matter anymore. There was no fight
      left anymore. Temptation had been embraced with deceptively loving

      Logan and Jean's struggle had lasted more years then would seem
      possible with the apple within touching distance.

      She had been drawn into a false sense of accomplishment. She'd thought
      she had won his heart so completely that the lure of another — no
      matter how attractive he found it — wouldn't really affect them. How
      arrogant. In the end,Logan was just a man, and he had always been easy
      to seduce with a challenge.

      Obtaining the unattainable had won.

      Part of her could understand the compelling forces that had driven
      them. It was a force that was driven by desire, by need, by
      desperation. She understood desperation. It had kept her up late into
      the night on more than one occasion with fear of loss. It was a
      constant force of fear, knowing any minute he would look at her and
      decide he had made a mistake. He would look at her and realize that
      while he might need her, he didn't really want her.

      Those were the times when she would be driven with a desperate need to
      lay her claim on him. To take him down into the flame. When she used
      her body to beat back the demons. Yeah. She understood the forces at
      work that had kept the struggle alive inside of him. It would be easy
      to condemn — to wish them both to hell for the agony that reached at
      the core of her being.But hate required energy, and she no longer had
      any to give. She was drained.

      Now when she looked in the mirror what she saw could usually ring a
      sound of agony from deep within her soul that came out like the
      whimpers of the deeply wounded. And in the back of her mind she would
      know that she was the lucky one. At least she could so her eyes in the
      mirror, could see the shambles that betrayal had left of her soul.

      The same could not be said for...


      Scott visualized each and every reaction in his mind.

      The reactions of those he knew when they finally saw him lose complete

      The temptation was there...it was right at the surface, and it ate at
      him. All that control...there was almost an overwhelming urge to let
      it loose and leave a path of destruction in his wake.

      The fearless leader was on the brink of losing his mind, and he didn't
      give a damn.

      He was tired.

      He was tired of being the rational one, the calm one...the one who
      shouldered his responsibilities for the greater good. Tired of being
      the one compelled to hide his feelings — the rage, the pain, the hate
      — because it was unbecoming of his position in the group.

      Sometimes he would sit for hours perfectly still, and to outside
      observers it looked like he was in deep mediation. The reality of it
      was that he knew if he moved, if he took action like his feelings
      dictated, he wouldn't be able to stop his urge to destroy.

      He could feel it sometimes — his blood.

      Sometimes he actually felt it boil in his veins, hot and compelling —
      urging him to give in to those forces that people bury. And God, he
      struggled not to,because to give in would be to give up humanity and
      become some animal...to become some freak. It would be so easy,
      didn't she know that. She had always taken his control for granted,
      but she more than anyone knows that sometimes...it was just surface.

      He'd tried to be everything she needed, everything that she said she
      wanted. Somewhere in the back of his mind he had known that it was an
      impossibility. No one can be everything to one person. Especially a
      person who didn't know what she wanted herself, but he was haunted.

      Haunted by why he hadn't been enough...


      For Jean it wasn't just seeing the destruction of all the
      relationships that had survived for years crumple like a deteriorating
      brick wall around her that made her give serious consideration to
      leaving it all behind. The professor had suggested a move to D.C. on
      behalf of the school and she was tempted to go, because the conflict
      inside was slowly starting to take a toll on her sanity.

      For so long she had prided herself on her self-control, on her hard
      earned sense of self-assurance after many untold years of struggle.
      She had taken it for granted that she had it all under control. In the
      end she had been proven wrong.

      She wasn't a saint — she was just a woman.

      It had been extremely arrogant to think that just because she'd
      survived hatred and ignorance and come out a stronger person for it
      that she could resist a compelling force like desire for the
      forbidden — and the forces of self doubt.

      The thing was, in the beginning, she hadn't thought it was so
      compelling. If there was one thing that she had been sure of — as sure
      as she was of the sky being blue and the law of gravity — is that she
      loved Scott. But most importantly, she desired him. Contrary to what
      most people had thought of their relationship, they'd had a great sex

      The faces they showed to the outside world was not the sum total of
      who either of them were. Underneath the calm and the control shown,
      their relationship behind closed door had been a safe haven. It was
      a place where neither had been afraid to be complete, displaying both
      the control and the passion. Her love for Scott and his love for her
      had been her rock...and yet...

      It may have been the mystery of the unknown that was her undoing. The
      mystery had tempted the hidden sensualist in her...and Logan was one
      of the most sexually compelling men she had ever met. From the
      beginning they had been aware of each other, but she had never fooled
      herself into thinking it was anything deep. It certainly hadn't been
      love. She'd had Scott, and he had been enough for her.

      Then there had been Rogue.

      The first time Logan left she had mistaken Rogue's feelings for him as
      just a simple teenage crush.

      It hadn't been an unfounded assumption to make about a girl her age.
      She became aware of her mistake when Logan had come back to stay for
      good five years ago — two years after he'd left to look for his past.

      Within a matter of weeks after he came back, it became pretty clear
      that Rogue's feeling for him had never faded, and it seemed Logan, for
      the first time, openly let himself explore possibilities not open to
      him when Rogue had been seventeen.

      But despite it all — her happiness with Scott, his with Rogue — there
      had still been awareness between the two of them. It was nothing so
      obvious that it became disrespectful to either of their relationships
      — but it was there. A flirtatious glance here...a playful comment
      there, it had all been easily excused as harmless and for the most
      part — in the beginning — it was.

      It wasn't a surprise to anyone when Logan proposed to Rogue two years
      into their relationship, and was married within four months of their

      The marriage marked the turning point in Jean's and Scott's

      They had been engaged for five years at that point, without ever
      having set a definitive date for their wedding. It was always one
      excuse after another on both their parts. At first it hadn't occurred
      to either of them to be bothered by the fact that they had been at a
      five years stand still, because they were both committed to the
      relationship, in it for the long haul. Logan and Rogue's marriage had
      made them begin to question why they had been using delay tactics to
      put off their own.

      Motivations were analyzed, and insecurities had increased. Slowly
      discussions had turned into debates, and debates into fights. The more
      tense things became between her and Scott, the more aware she became
      of Logan.

      But the underlying, compelling fact of the matter had been, she loved
      Scott. As soon as she had put her own insecurities aside, enough to
      assure unequivocally of that fact, they had finally been able to
      settle on a date. Three months after the other couple's wedding, she
      and Scott were married, and they were happy — but the seeds of doubt
      had been planted in their relationship.

      And things would never be the same again.

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