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FIC: Broken Mirror I: The Unattainable - R

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  • serleef@hotmail.com
    Broken Mirror I: The Unattainable By Kes Serleef Series Rating: R for some violence, and a PG-13/R for sexuality Warning: The series contains angst. Towards
    Message 1 of 1 , May 6 4:33 PM
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      Broken Mirror I: The Unattainable
      By Kes Serleef
      Series Rating: R for some violence, and a PG-13/R for sexuality
      Warning: The series contains angst. Towards the end there is some
      violence, but it really is mild I think.
      I would normally rate it a PG-13, however, I am not everyone, so I'm
      taking precautions.
      Characters: L,R,S,J
      Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the "X-Men" or any of its
      characters. That privilege belongs to Marvel, Fox, etc...no
      infringement on copyright is intended. Please don't sue me.
      Archive: Yes, but please ask me.
      Author's Note: I need a new home for my series and I hope it will be
      welcomed here. If not, please just email me privately. Thanks.
      Earlier parts of the series can be found on my site at:
      www.httpcity.com/serleef/index.html
      Summery: Marriage is bliss. Temptation leads to hell. Hearts are
      broken. Read on....

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The unattainable...

      Sometimes it's the things we can't have that drives us the most crazy.

      Wanting the unattainable had become a constant dull craving for Logan.

      It made no sense to him.

      He had everything he wanted. He had everything he could ever need,
      and need was always supposed to mean more than want, so he didn't get
      why — or even when — obtaining the unattainable had slowly become an
      obsession.

      He wondered sometimes in the back of his mind whether he would have
      the strength to resist if the unattainable became...attainable. He
      hated himself
      for the doubts, hated the part of him that whispered of his weakness.

      Then one day there were no doubts.

      He was Adam and the goddamned apple was waved in his face. A large
      part of him would have sooner cut his hand off than reach for the
      forbidden
      fruit, because there were so many consequences...too many.

      Giving in would lead to nothing but pain all around, he told himself,
      and so
      help him, he'd be damned before he hurt her. But...a smaller part, the
      part that
      has been the cause of the downfall of even great people, couldn't
      resist — and
      one day — didn't resist.

      Temptation became a possibility, and he gave in. He gave into
      temptation
      and burned — for twenty minutes he had felt the heat of the
      flames...and then
      it all fell to ashes.

      All the people who counted where burned by those flames and left
      wasted
      in its wake...left only with the ashes.

      But it was to her — the one person that wasn't a want, but a need; the
      one
      person who's love he'd rather die for than lose — it was to her that
      he
      dropped to his knees and begged for redemption.

      The one person who understood him the most...

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      And she did understand him. That's why she know he'd tried.

      He really had.

      She would always give him credit for such a valiant fight, because he
      tried
      not to hurt her...she had to believe that he had really tried in order
      to keep
      her sanity.

      She'd chosen to look the other way for too long, because in the back
      of her
      mind, she had wanted to believe that there was no need for a struggle.
      It had
      killed her heart just a little bit every time she was reminded that he
      did.

      All it took was a too long glance in the wrong direction — the
      direction of
      someone else's wife.

      She'd use to wonder whether she was enough.

      Wasn't she everything he had said he wanted, everything he said he
      needed? His answer had always been an unequivocal "yes" — those few
      times
      in their relationship when the unspoken become spoken. The struggle
      had been
      an unspoken secret between them — had been there like an invisible
      force.
      The whys of desire for another.

      Why had he been so attracted to *her*? Why hadn't she, the woman who
      slept in his arms, been enough for him?
      Why...and...why...and..why...there
      were to many questions that would never be answered. It really didn't
      matter
      anymore. There was no fight left anymore. Temptation had been embraced
      with deceptively loving arms.

      Logan and Jean's struggle had lasted more years then would seem
      possible
      with the apple within touching distance.

      She had been drawn into a false sense of accomplishment. She'd thought
      she had won his heart so completely that the lure of another — no
      matter how
      attractive he found it — wouldn't really affect them. How arrogant. In
      the end,
      Logan was just a man, and he had always been easy to seduce with a
      challenge.

      Obtaining the unattainable had won.

      Part of her could understand the compelling forces that had driven
      them. It was
      a force that was driven by desire, by need, by desperation. She
      understood
      desperation. It had kept her up late into the night on more than one
      occasion
      with fear of loss. It was a constant force of fear, knowing any minute
      he would
      look at her and decide he had made a mistake. He would look at her and
      realize
      that while he might need her, he didn't really want her.

      Those were the times when she would be driven with a desperate need to
      lay her claim on him. To take him down into the flame. When she used
      her
      body to beat back the demons. Yeah. She understood the forces at work
      that
      had kept the struggle alive inside of him. It would be easy to condemn
      — to
      wish them both to hell for the agony that reached at the core of her
      being.
      But hate required energy, and she no longer had any to give. She was
      drained.

      Now when she looked in the mirror what she saw could usually ring a
      sound of agony from deep within her soul that came out like the
      whimpers of
      the deeply wounded. And in the back of her mind she would know that
      she
      was the lucky one. At least she could so her eyes in the mirror, could
      see the
      shambles that betrayal had left of her soul.

      The same could not be said for...

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Scott visualized each and every reaction in his mind.

      The reactions of those he knew when they finally saw him lose complete
      control.

      The temptation was there...it was right at the surface, and it ate at
      him. All
      that control...there was almost an overwhelming urge to let it loose
      and leave a
      path of destruction in his wake.

      The fearless leader was on the brink of losing his mind, and he didn't
      give
      a damn.

      He was tired.

      He was tired of being the rational one, the calm one...the one who
      shouldered his responsibilities for the greater good. Tired of being
      the one
      compelled to hide his feelings — the rage, the pain, the hate —
      because it was
      unbecoming of his position in the group.

      Sometimes he would sit for hours perfectly still, and to outside
      observers it
      looked like he was in deep mediation. The reality of it was that he
      knew if he
      moved, if he took action like his feelings dictated, he wouldn't be
      able to stop
      his urge to destroy.

      He could feel it sometimes — his blood.

      Sometimes he actually felt it boil in his veins, hot and compelling —
      urging
      him to give in to those forces that people bury. And God, he struggled
      not to,
      because to give in would be to give up humanity and become some
      animal...to
      become some freak. It would be so easy, didn't she know that. She had
      always taken his control for granted, but she more than anyone knows
      that
      sometimes...it was just surface.

      He'd tried to be everything she needed, everything that she said she
      wanted. Somewhere in the back of his mind he had known that it was an
      impossibility. No one can be everything to one person. Especially a
      person
      who didn't know what she wanted herself, but he was haunted.

      Haunted by why he hadn't been enough...

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      For Jean it wasn't just seeing the destruction of all the
      relationships that
      had survived for years crumple like a deteriorating brick wall around
      her that
      made her give serious consideration to leaving it all behind. The
      professor had
      suggested a move to D.C. on behalf of the school and she was tempted
      to go,
      because the conflict inside was slowly starting to take a toll on her
      sanity.

      For so long she had prided herself on her self-control, on her hard
      earned
      sense of self-assurance after many untold years of struggle. She had
      taken it
      for granted that she had it all under control. In the end she had been
      proven
      wrong.

      She wasn't a saint — she was just a woman.

      It had been extremely arrogant to think that just because she'd
      survived
      hatred and ignorance and come out a stronger person for it that she
      could resist
      a compelling force like desire for the forbidden.

      The thing was, in the beginning, she hadn't thought it was so
      compelling.
      If there was one thing that she had been sure of — as sure as she was
      of the
      sky being blue and the law of gravity — is that she loved Scott. But
      most
      importantly, she desired him. Contrary to what most people had thought
      of
      their relationship, they'd had a great sex life.

      The faces they showed to the outside world was not the sum total of
      who
      either of them were. Underneath the calm and the control shown, their
      relationship behind closed door had been a safe haven. It was a place
      where
      neither had been afraid to be complete, displaying both the control
      and the
      passion. Her love for Scott and his love for her had been her
      rock...and yet...

      It may have been the mystery of the unknown that was her undoing. The
      mystery had tempted the hidden sensualist in her...and Logan was one
      of the
      most sexually compelling men she had ever met. From the beginning they
      had
      been aware of each other, but she had never fooled herself into
      thinking it was
      anything deep. It certainly hadn't been love. She'd had Scott, and he
      had been
      enough for her.

      Then there had been Rogue.

      The first time Logan left she had mistaken Rogue's feelings for him as
      just
      a simple teenage crush.

      It hadn't been an unfounded assumption to make about a girl her age.
      She
      became aware of her mistake when Logan had come back to stay for good
      five
      years ago — two years after he'd left to look for his past.

      Within a matter of weeks after he came back, it became pretty clear
      that Rogue's feeling for him had never faded, and it seemed Logan, for
      the first time, openly let himself explore possibilities not open to
      him when Rogue had been seventeen.

      But despite it all — her happiness with Scott, his with Rogue — there
      had still been awareness between the two of them. It was nothing so
      obvious that it became disrespectful to either of their relationships
      — but it was there. A flirtatious glance here...a playful comment
      there, it had all been easily excused as harmless and for the most
      part — in the beginning — it was.

      It wasn't a surprise to anyone when Logan proposed to Rogue two years
      into their relationship, and was married within four months of their
      engagement.

      The marriage marked the turning point in Jean's and Scott's
      relationship.

      They had been engaged for five years at that point, without ever
      having set a definitive date for their wedding. It was always one
      excuse after another on both their parts. At first it hadn't occurred
      to either of them to be bothered by the fact that they had been at a
      five years stand still, because they were both committed to the
      relationship, in it for the long haul. Logan and Rogue's marriage had
      made them begin to question why they had been using delay tactics to
      put off their own.

      Motivations were analyzed, and insecurities had increased. Slowly
      discussions had turned into debates, and debates into fights. The more
      tense things became between her and Scott, the more aware she became
      of Logan.

      But the underlying, compelling fact of the matter had been, she loved
      Scott. As soon as she had put her own insecurities aside, enough to
      assure unequivocally of that fact, they had finally been able to
      settle on a date. Three months after the other couple's wedding, she
      and Scott were married, and they were happy — but the seeds of doubt
      had been planted in their relationship.

      And things would never be the same again.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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