Disclaimers etc. in Part 1
< > indicates thoughts
~ ~ indicates telepathic conversation
// // indicates memories
The Long Hard Road Out of Hell
Rogue sat on the roof, knees drawn up to her chest, thinking. <I can't
believe he came back.>
<I told you I cared,> the Logan in her head said. Calhoun was strangely
She looked up to see him standing there, half in and half out of the window.
She didn't answer.
"Mind if I join you?" he asked. He looked awkward, and she knew he didn't
know how to deal with her.
She shrugged. "It's a free roof."
He came out and sat next to her. "Been a rough few months, huh, kid?"
She laughed bitterly. "You could say that."
"If you want," he started, not looking at her, trying to sound casual, "I
could, you know, touch you. Maybe that'd help."
Rogue closed her eyes against the tears that threatened. He just wanted to
help her. They all did. She knew that, her harsh words down in the lab
notwithstanding. "I don't think you understand, Logan. He raped me. That's
He put an arm around her, ignoring her flinch. "I know, but-- Im sorry,
Marie. For everything." He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "I
"You understand?" She leapt up, eyes blazing with fury, and would have
toppled off the roof if he hadn't grabbed her sweater. "You *understand*?
You don't fucking understand *anything*, Logan," she shouted. "He held me
facedown and *violated* me. He took away my freedom, my confidence, my
*life* and I still can't get away from him. He's still here," she tapped her
head, "telling me how worthless I am and how none of it really matters,
because he'll win in the end." Her voice dropped, "And the worst part is, I
know he's right. So don't fucking tell me you understand." She bolted
through the window before he could get up, and he was scared -- terrified --
by the despair and loathing in her voice.
Worst of all, though, was the knowledge that nothing he could do would make
her see that he truly did understand.
Logan moved back into his old room, and lived with the way conversations
stopped and their eyes avoided his when he walked around the school. He knew
they were all remembering the high drama that had played out almost three
years ago, when Marie had walked in on him and Jean in bed, confirmation of
an affair that everyone had whispered about when Scott left on a trip to DC
after a shouting match with his wife.
He'd known from the moment he'd taken Jean the first time -- up against the
door in her office -- that it would end badly. There was no way it could
have been otherwise. She loved Scott and he -- well, he couldn't admit it at
the time, but he loved Marie. His betrayal of Marie had been compounded by
the fact that she'd finally confronted him with her feelings.
// "Do you believe in love at first sight?" she asked, her eyes hidden by
the curtain of brown and white hair spilling over her shoulders like a
They had just finished watching _Titanic_, much against his wishes, and she
was curled up next to him on his bed. The bed in which he and Jean had had a
quickie that afternoon, while Scott was in town, shopping.
"It's just a movie, kid," he said gruffly.
"But in real life, don't you think that some people -- they just make a
connection? That they're just meant to be?" she pressed, raising her head to
look at him.
Suddenly, he knew what she was going to say and he silently begged her to
stop. <Please don't,> he thought, awash in the unfamiliar sensation of
She didn't get the message, though. Neither of them were telepaths.
She raised a gloved hand and gently stroked his cheek. "I know you think I'm
just a kid, Logan, but I love you. I have since the moment I set eyes on
you." He opened his mouth to make a joke, break the tension, but she laid a
delicate finger on his lips.
"Shh. I know. I'm too young, and you think I don't know what I want. That's
okay. But I want you to know that I won't always be eighteen, and the day
will come when you realize that I'm not a silly girl with a stupid crush."
She raised herself up on her knees, and her lips were very close to his as
she whispered, "And you'll want me, too. The way I want you." She brushed
her mouth across his, so quickly her skin didn't have time to register the
contact and he felt his groin tighten in response. Because he knew she was
right. She left before he could say anything, and he laid awake most of the
night, thinking of her.
Three days later, Scott and Ororo went on a rescue mission, and that night,
Jean came to his room. They tried to be quiet, since the walls weren't very
thick, and they really didn't want to get caught. But neither had recalled
how attuned to his sleep patterns Rogue was, and how her senses had remained
sharper than normal (though nowhere near as sharp as his) since the Statue
of Liberty incident.
He was growling, lost in the moment, when he smelled her over the scent of
sex and himself and Jean. Heard the door open and the gasp and then the
sound of her bare feet on the wood floor rushing away.
Jean's eyes snapped open in shock and he levered himself off the bed, barely
stopping to pull on a pair of sweats as he raced after Rogue.
"Marie!" he yelled again, not caring that doors were opening and the cat was
out of the bag, as Jean stood flushed and half-naked in his doorway.
Rogue was halfway to the greenhouse when he caught up with her. He grabbed
her shoulders and whirled her around.
"Get away from me!" she shrieked, her eyes and nose already red from crying.
"Oh, you must have had a good laugh, huh, after what I said the other night.
Did you and Jean get a big kick out of poor deluded Rogue, declaring her
love for you? Did you?"
"It's not like that," he pleaded, his hands clutching her arms.
And then, as if things weren't already bad enough, the X-Jet roared and came
in for a landing.
After a week of stony silence, Logan packed up and left. He tried to
apologize to Rogue repeatedly, but she refused to see him. Finally, on that
last morning, as if she could read his mind, she was downstairs as he walked
out the door.
"You runnin' again?" she asked, her voice was weary, resigned.
"Sometimes runnin' is the only decent option," he replied. He couldn't meet
her eyes. "I hurt you, and I'm more sorry than you'll ever know, Marie. I do
care about you. Please believe that, if nothing else."
She smiled sadly. "I know. I just--" She sighed. "Be careful, Logan. Maybe
I'll see you again someday."
He shrugged. "Maybe," he said doubtfully. //
In the end, he'd known the sex hadn't been worth it. It never was. That's
why he kept sex and love separate -- it was easier that way. Love was
something with which he had no experience, and if it made you hurt the way
he'd made Marie hurt, he wanted nothing to do with it.
Yet here he was, back again, and it wasn't solely guilt or the desire to
make amends that brought him back. He loved her and his heart ached seeing
her now, thin and broken. Far worse than anything he could ever have
Sorry it's so short. More later, maybe...
Thats one more kid wholl never get to go to school / Never get to fall in
love / Never get to be cool Rockin in the Free World Neil Young
The Muse's Fool - http://victoria_jp.tripod.com/home.htm