977FIC: Indigo (Spectrum 3) (PG, Logan/Jean, Angst)
- Oct 4, 2000Date Finished: 3 October 2000
Title: Indigo (Spectrum 3)
Author: Eiluned (eiluned@...)
Archive: My site only for now. Completed series will be sent to all
archives. No other archiving or linking without permission, please.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Marvel. I just do
twisted things with them.
Categories: Angst, Drama, Romance
Series: Logan loses his sanity and Jean has to guide him back.
Episode: Jean ventures into the maze of Logan's mind.
Series warnings: Dark weirdness. WolvieTorture.
Series notes: This story is set in the same universe as my unfinished
Divine Comedy series. You don't have to have read that to understand
this, though. Just know that Scott is dead, everyone has just
recently come to terms with it and Logan and Jean are in a rather
tenuous relationship. This is the third of nine parts in the Spectrum
series, following Violet. All other parts can be found at my site:
Big thanks to my beta Darry, tamer of wild commas and savage sentence
/ / is memories (italics)
' ' is thoughts
* * is telepathy
_ _ is emphasis (bold) (ah, the joys of ASCII)
Jean leaned back in her chair, biting her bottom lip. The thought of
swimming through the terrifying whirlpool of pain again made her
throat clench, but she needed to help Logan. She was the only one who
"I'll do whatever it takes to get Logan back."
"This is where your sanity gives in and love begins.
Never lose your grip, don't slip, don't fall, you'll lose it all..."
The Cardigans, "Paralyzed" (from"Gran Turismo")
Jean automatically ate her breakfast, but the food tasted like
sawdust. Her stomach was knotted into lumps of apprehension and she
was afraid that swallowing would make her choke. She couldn't
remember ever being this nervous. She could stand up in front of a
Senate committee and argue for the future of her kind without batting
an eye, yet she was practically beside herself with fear at the
thought of finding Logan in his own mind. Professor Xavier had
ordered her to sleep, but her eyes just wouldn't close. She spent
most of the night staring at the ceiling.
Ororo sat down beside her. "Are you going to eat that French toast,
or just stare at it all morning?" she teased lightly.
Jean realized that she had been staring at her half eaten food for god
knows how long. "I'm reserving my concentration for more serious
matters," she replied, going for light-hearted; it came out quite a
bit heavier than she had intended.
Storm took her free hand and squeezed it. "I wanted you to know that
you have my support, Jean. If anyone can get Logan back, it's you,"
Jean tried to smile, but it fell apart and she ended up in tears
again. "Christ!" she exclaimed. "I can't go ten minutes without
crying. What the hell is wrong with me?"
Ororo pulled her chair closer and put an arm around Jean's shoulder.
"Jean, you have every right to cry. So much has happened..."
"I hate crying. It makes me feel weak."
"You're not weak, " Storm chided. "You're one of the strongest people
I know. You've had to deal with so much lately, Jean."
Jean stared up at the ceiling, willing the tears on her cheeks to
evaporate. "I'm sick of having to deal with it. Sometimes I just
want to run away. I want to make it all go away," she looked back
down at her friend. "But it won't. I have to deal with it, don't I?"
Storm didn't say anything. "I can't spend my time crying, Ororo,"
Jean said. "I have too much responsibility."
Ororo smiled. "I think that when you bring Logan back, you two should
take a vacation."
Jean snorted. "He'd probably want to take me to some god-forsaken
hole in the Canadian Rockies just so I can have this particular kind
Storm shrugged. "I was thinking more along the lines of Tahiti."
Jean smiled for the first time in what felt like years. "Tahiti would
"You really love him. I can see it in your eyes. I just can't
understand why you try to deny it to yourself," Ororo said.
Jean wrinkled her brow. "I'm not denying it to myself," she said
darkly. "I'm denying it to him. But you're right. I do love him. I
hope he knows that."
"He does. He's known it for years."
"I think I've been denying it because he's not Scott," Jean mused. "I
was so used to being with Scott that he became the ideal. Logan is
the complete opposite of Scott, but I need him even more than I needed
Storm leaned back in her chair. "The world balances itself. You're
responsible, maybe Logan needs that. He's wild, and you need that."
Jean nodded. "I just hope I can bring him back."
"Jean, are you ready?"
The two women looked up to see Professor Xavier in the doorway. Jean
pushed her plate away and stood up. "I'm ready."
"I had some of the boys bring your armchair down," Charles said as
they entered the sickbay. "I wasn't sure how long you would be in
there, but I wanted you to be comfortable."
"Thank you, Professor."
Jean looked around the room. The lights were softer, but her dark
green chair still looked out of place. "Ah, Dr. Grey," Autumn said,
stepping out of the electronics room. "I've got him hooked up to the
whole lot of monitors. If anything happens, Charles here will let you
know so you can pull back immediately. I want to hook you up to an
EKG, just as a precaution."
Jean nodded and let the doctor paste electrodes on her torso. Charles
was very quiet, and Jean finally looked down at him. "Are you all
right, Professor?" she asked.
"I think I should be asking you that question, Jean," he replied.
"Are you going to be able to do this?"
Jean nodded, her mouth set in a resolved line. "I will. I have to
bring him back."
Charles gave her a small smile. "I know that you can. I have
complete confidence in you."
Jean finally looked at Logan, and her breath left her in a whoosh. It
looked as if his soul had left him completely and she was just seeing
the shell of his body. He still stared straight up, not blinking.
Fluid dripped from a bag into his IV.
"I've been injecting a nutrient solution and an anti-seizure drug
every hour," Autumn said, straightening the tubes. "Good luck, Dr
Jean nodded her thanks and steeled herself, making sure she had a firm
grip on reality. She knew how easy it could be to get lost in someone
else's memories. Luckily, she'd had Professor Xavier to teach her.
She sat down in her armchair and gazed down at Logan, resting her
hands on the bed beside his head. "Logan," she whispered. "I'm going
to help you find your way. Don't fight me, all right?"
And she slipped into his mind.
The first flash of recognition from Logan was brilliant. Jean winced,
but kept moving forward. She was being buffeted by disjointed
thoughts and emotions in such a quick succession that she thought she
might have to pull back. 'No!' she told herself. 'If you do that, you
could lose Logan forever.'
A sudden image flashed in her mind. /I'm lying on a bed of pearls.../
Just as quickly, it was gone, and replaced by the image of a tall oak
tree, towering toward the sky. Its trunk was so thick that she
wouldn't have been able to reach a quarter of the way around it. Its
top disappeared into the pregnant grey clouds. As Jean watched, a
door opened in the trunk and radiant golden light shined out into the
darkness where she was. 'Think symbolically, Jean,' she thought.
'This must be the entrance to his memories.'
When she took a step forward, the tree morphed into a prison
surrounded by a concrete wall. The doorway was gone, as was the sense
of Logan's recognition of her. She would have to scale the wall to
Jean stepped up to the wall and found a foothold. It was going to be
a hard climb... she just hoped she wouldn't fall on the way up.
End Indigo (Spectrum 3)
Next: Blue (Spectrum 4)
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