4713Fic: Tears Only Run One Way
- Feb 8, 2003Title: Tears only run one way
Disclaimer: Characters, Lyrics.. nothing is mine.. I am making no
money from this endeavor.
Archive: Ask and Ye shall receive.
Feedback: Please.. I may or may not write a sequel to this depending
on feeback.. so Its up to y'all.
A/N: Thanks to Neda, and Brian for the betas.. Much appreciated.
Summery: A Rouge Ramble.. 'Nuff said.
++Tears only run one way, never back the way they came
Tears only run one way, and that's down, down, down
Just like that river flows a tear wont be controlled
Though many fools have tried not one has turned the tide++ Sung by
Rodney Hayden, Written by Robbie Fulks
There are things in life that you can't change no matter how much you
may wish otherwise. If I can come to accept this, then why can't
everyone else? No matter how hard I wish and pray, I'll always have
deadly skin. There are no cures, and there are no magical remedies.
I've come a long way from the girl I used to be. I can now summon the
powers that I once possessed at will. Today I can have Jean's powers,
tomorrow Logan's. They are all retained in my DNA, and I can use them
whenever I have need. But I still can't control my skin. I still
can't cross that boundary that separates me from other women. At
least not with anyone I'd like to cross it with.
How is it I can come to accept these things, and people like Scott
Summers, and Charles Xavier can't? They keep urging me to try. They
can't admit that there is nothing else *to* try. Worse, there is
nobody to try for. I think that deep down they know that if they
admit that *I* can't be cured then they'll have to admit that the
Dream we fight so fervently for is an impossible goal. I suppose that
the point of the Dream is to inspire hope not only in others, but in
ourselves. It's that hope that in the end everything will come out
okay, even though we know deep down that it won't. Hell, we're lucky
to have survived this long.
Logan is gone as much as he's here these days. The same can be said
of Storm, Beast, Nightcrawler, Angel, Iceman, Jubilee, and Shadowcat.
They drift in and out of here at will, always welcomed back with open
arms. The only constants these days are Professor Xavier, Cyclops,
Jean, and myself. I'm the one who *can't* live out there. It's far to
dangerous. Too many things can happen. I learned that when I tried to
attend college in the city. This place is as much my prison as it is
my sanctuary. Jean and Scott called it quits long ago, and most days
are spent with them avoiding as much contact with each other as
necessary. Who knows why Jean stays... Sometimes, I believe that it
is only to spite Scott. Scott is much like myself in that life
outside the grounds of the Xavier institute is almost impossible. The
visor is a little too noticeable.
Over the years I've watched as my classmates, friends, and team
members have all moved on to start lives of their own. Some have
joined other groups to fight against mutant persecution, and more
still have went on to simply work and have families in the "real"
world. Some did both. Kitty and Kurt, scarcely married a year, have a
brand new daughter. Seeing them together has made me envy them more
than these simple words will ever be able to convey. I don't even
envy them their relationship, as I can live with out that. What I
envy them is that precious child that they created. I wish for a
child to hold in my arms more than anything else in the world. It's a
foolish wish from a foolish woman.
I think that's why Jean and Scott broke it off. Scott wished for more
than Jean was willing to give. I know that Scott, like me, wished for
a child and I know that Jean denied him. I don't think I've ever seen
someone more crushed, than he was. Especially for the reasons she
chose. She said that she didn't want to run the risk of a child being
born with such an uncontrollable power as his optic blasts, and that
her work was far too important to delay it by having a family. I
think she should've stuck with the second reason, and not used the
first at all. Then again, who am I, who has never had a successful
intimate relationship, to judge the rights and wrongs of someone
else's. All I know is that it hurt me badly to see my friend and
leader in so much pain.
These days I spend a lot of time with Scott, and I find myself
falling. He seems to be doing the same. It scares me to be feeling
these things for this man whom I would hate to hurt above all others.
This man who is just as wounded as I. There is no changing my skin,
or his eyes. Our only choices are to take the chance or walk away.
Should we be content in fighting for the Dream? Or should we seek
personal fulfillment as well? I've found that tears only run one
way... down. Perhaps I should walk away