4712FIC: Shadows of the Past, NC-17, (Charles/Erik)
- Feb 8, 2003Story Title: Shadows of the Past.
Fandom: X-Men the Movie. Before the movie events.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, never will be.
Summary: Erik has trouble accepting something that happened long ago,
during the war. Can Charles help him find peace?
Series/sequel: Independent sequel to "Pure Love", but can
alone. It will make sense even if you haven't read "Pure
A/N: This story is angsty and dark and contains references to rape
and abuse (nothing graphic) and can be found disturbing by some.
Don't read if you can't handle it. And oh, then there is
sex between Erik and Charles (graphic).
Archive: Anywhere, just ask.
Feedback: If you enjoyed this story, I would appreciate if you
dropped me a line and told me. I will also appreciate constructive
criticism. I will answer all feedback.
Thanks to Asta, my mom, for beta-reading this. You're great, mom!
Erik Lehnsherr was headed for the room he was sharing with Charles
Xavier through the dark, quiet mansion.
Without looking at his watch Erik knew it was late. Charles, his
friend and lover, had gone up several hours ago, but Erik had stayed
and continued working with "Project: Cerebro" as they called
Cerebro was meant to become a future mutant-locating machine, and
Erik believed it would not take long before Charles could test it.
They had worked on it for over three years. It had better work
properly. Otherwise everything would be in vain. It was not an
encouraging thought. All Erik could think of was that it would break
Charles if it appeared to be so. That could not happen. He loved his
telepathic lover above all, and would do anything for him, to see him
Now Erik was tired. He had been awake for almost 24 hours in a row,
and it started to do itself justice. A couple of times he had had to
stop and lean against the wall for support since the dizziness had
overcome him and threatened to make him fall.
Maybe I should take it easier, the tall, slender dark-haired man
thought. I'm not helping Charles by wearing myself out. He would
be happy if he knew how I feel now.
Wait. Charles is a telepath. Maybe he will find out no matter what.
Erik kept walking. They didn't speak about it often, but there
however a silent agreement between them that Charles would not read
Erik trusted his lover, but he believed that maybe Charles
sometimes did it unconsciously. Erik was mostly good at shielding his
mind, but sometimes his shields dropped, and then it wasn't
impossible for a keen telepath to maybe pick up something.
There were things that Erik didn't want anyone to know - not
the person he loved most of all.
Sometimes he almost wished Charles hadn't been telepathic.
had been so much simpler. But on the other hand, it had been simpler
if neither of them had been a mutant. Or homosexual, Erik thought.
And then I am a Jew. To crown everything. A homosexual mutant Jew.
Really a model citizen.
Continuously he had to remind himself that he was living in the
United States now. Over here no one would come and take him away, or
try to kill him just because he was different. This was the land of
tolerance and peace.
At least he hoped so and wanted to believe it. But he had seen what
angry and disliking looks some people had given Charles and him when
they were out together and showed each other affection publicly.
Maybe this was better than Nazi-Germany, but even the USA had a
long way to go. After noticing how people reacted to their
relationship, Charles had no longer wanted to display their
"I love you, Erik," he had said, "and I would like
people to know
it, but it seems like everyone isn't ready for it. Yet. So
low next time we go out in public, don't you agree?"
And Erik had agreed. It hurt, but he had to grant that Charles was
right. It was no use acting in a way that seemed to provoke
others. "Some" were simply not ready. But when would they be?
Nowadays they were affectionate only in places where they knew they
were not being observed. It was the safest thing to do.
Quietly Erik padded to the door to their room. He knew Charles was
in there, but was he sleeping?
Erik placed his ear against the dark wooden door and tried to pick
up sounds from inside. He listened, but heard nothing. It was
completely silent. Probably Charles was asleep. He had to be really
quiet if he wanted to avoid disturbing him. Charles was probably
tired since he had gone up so early.
Erik tried to open the door soundlessly and looked inside. Dark.
The room was completely dark. Charles was asleep.
Carefully he stepped inside and shut the door. The lock clicked
when he shut it, but it was only a faint sound. When he had taken a
few steps into the room he believed hearing Charles breathe from the
bed which they shared.
Erik got both curious and happy, and headed for the bed. Even
though the room was dark, he knew exactly where to go, and didn't
bump into anything.
When he stood by the bed he could clearly hear Charles' deep,
even breaths. But you could never know for sure. Charles was usually
a light sleeper. Maybe Erik's entrance had already awoken him,
still he pretended to sleep?
Erik knew he should shower before he went to bed, but he didn't
feel like rattling and splashing in the bathroom this time at night,
and besides he was tired. He could shower tomorrow morning. Maybe
Charles would like to join him? Hmm...
Suddenly Erik felt a strong urge to light the night lamp to see
that Charles really was there. He could hear him and feel his
presence, but that was not enough. He wanted to *see* him as well.
He lit the night lamp. A dim light, fully sufficient, but not
bright enough to be disturbing immediately spread in the room.
And of course Charles lay in the bed, sideways, turned away from
Erik. He had pulled the covers up to his chin. His wheelchair stood
by the foot of the bed. Erik knew how hard it was for Charles to get
into bed without his help (his legs were paralysed, after all), and
he started to feel a little bad.
Was their project really more important than spending time with
each other? Maybe Charles had looked forward to an evening together?
Erik had promised him to come up "shortly" but
"shortly" had become
four hours. The clock on their bedside table was two AM.
For a while Erik just stood there, looking at the sleeping man.
Charles' bald head was the only thing he could see above the
His body was a formless heap under it.
Suddenly Erik felt an incredible urge to wake Charles. He
considered the idea before he carried it out. Should he wake Charles?
It was very late.
Yes. He decided to do it. But it had to happen very slowly and
The thought made him excited, and the weariness was gone almost at
once. He wanted Charles. He wanted to touch him, caress him and kiss
him, and maybe also make love to him.
He undressed and sneaked down in the bed next to Charles and
pressed his own body against his.
Charles was naked underneath the covers. He had expected that.
Charles mostly slept naked, like himself. There was nothing that Erik
loved more than feeling his lover's bare, warm body against his
and inhaling his scent.
Charles had probably registered his presence, but he didn't
yet. He just mumbled something in his sleep and writhed a little.
Erik gently caressed him and pressed his frame against his back. He
enjoyed feeling the other man's sleep-warm body. He was already
aroused and had a throbbing, hot erection which he rubbed against
He desired his lover so much. When he thought back, he recalled
they had not had sex for almost two weeks. Every night he had lain
next to Charles, but not *with* him.
He felt strongly inclined to just penetrate Charles at once, but he
could not do that before Charles was ready for him. The telepath was
not even awake yet. He had to wait.
Instead Erik explored Charles' body with his hands. He had done
countless times before, but it never lost its delight. He passed his
fingers along Charles' spine; the back was one of his erogenous
and one of his most sensitive places.
Charles shivered and moaned. Perhaps he was still asleep, perhaps
he was waking up.
Erik moved his hand from Charles' back to his chest, and took
of his nipples between his thumb and index finger. The small nub
stiffened when he touched it; it was an automatic reaction.
Erik smiled and began to kiss his neck and shoulders, as he passed
his hand down, past Charles' flat belly, and down to his sex.
Suddenly he heard a sleepy voice moan and Charles rolled over to his
back, and opened his eyes. At first his look was a bit blurry, but it
cleared up quickly.
"Erik..." he murmured and blinked a few times.
Erik laughed. "Yes, who did you expect?"
"What time is it... is it morning?"
Erik leaned his elbow against the mattress and rested his face in
his hand, looking down at Charles who had just woken up. With his
other hand he pulled the quilt down. Charles shivered when the cool
air in the room got in contact with his warm skin, but the feeling
vanished quickly when Erik started to touch him again.
Erik's long, fine-boned hand slowly slid over Charles's
body, heading for his genitals. He took his lover's soft penis in
hand and gently stroked it, while he bent down and took his left
nipple in his mouth. Soon Erik could feel Charles' hand stroking
hair, and hear the other's low moans.
"Erik..." murmured the newly awakened telepath. "Give
me some time
to wake up first..."
"Hmm..." Erik replied as he placed wet kisses on
"I missed you this evening. Where were you?"
Erik lifted his head. "Down there," he said. "With
Cerebro. I don't
think we have much work left now."
"Cerebro... I am almost jealous... You spend more time with our
invention then with me."
"I don't want Cerebro in my bed with me," Erik said
I am sorry. I have been quite occupied by work lately. Maybe I have
neglected us. That wasn't my intention. I should have followed
"You are here now," Charles said.
"Yes. I am here now."
"What would you like to do? Sleep?"
"No. Preferably something else."
Charles knew what. When Erik bent down again and kissed him, on the
mouth this time, it got even clearer. He felt - and saw - Erik's
stiff member against his stomach, and a wave of heat washed through
him. Suddenly he was glad that Erik had woken him up. Surely he was
still tired, but he could ignore the fatigue when all the other,
nicer feelings took over.
He returned the kiss and pulled Erik to him, so he could feel his
long, slender body. Erik's body was smooth, just like his was. He
a wonderful body.
*Now* Charles was ready for him, Erik could tell. He took some cool
gel from a tube on the bedside table onto his fingers before he
sought out Charles' opening and let them slide in.
He had been right. Charles was relaxed and ready. The muscle around
his anus hardly flexed at all when the fingers made their intrusion.
Erik continued to also coat his erection with some gel, and then
spread Charles legs even more and pushed into him.
He could not wait any longer. He needed to experience this feeling
now. Both the physical sensation of flesh sheathing his penis, and
the mental, to be near Charles, and make love to him and give him
He knew that this act brought Charles pleasure. It had been a
little difficult the first time, and hurt, but now it gave him
nothing but pleasure. And Erik made efforts to hit his prostate as
often as he could when he thrust.
When Charles cried out he knew he had succeeded.
Erik leaned over him and looked down at his face. It was strange;
Charles was only 26 years old - barely two years younger than he was -
but he looked to be closer to 40 than 30. Maybe it was partly
because he had already lost all his hair, but his eyes were also an
They had known each other for ten years and been lovers for two.
Before they started to share bed they had been best friends, and in a
way they still were. The bond between them was special, to say the
Closeness. Charles needed closeness. Physical closeness was only a
part of it, but it was enough for now. He wrapped his arms around
Erik's ribcage and gasped as the tension grew stronger.
Erik felt an incredible feeling of pleasure forming in his groin.
He looked down at Charles who lay gasping and writhing under him,
with shiny eyes and red cheeks.
He slightly changed their positions; placed himself in a more
upright position, and then started to stroke Charles' erection
one hand, without pulling out of him.
Charles cried out again when the two pleasurable sensations were
mixed, and quite soon he burst into an orgasm. Erik followed him
shortly and then slid out of him, sinking down next to him in the
bed, totally exhausted, but happy and content.
When they had started breathing slower than they did during the
intercourse, and when their heart rate had somehow stabilized,
Charles placed his hand on Erik's warm, red cheek.
"Darling," he whispered. "Erik, come here so I can hold
Erik sighed, he was tired, but did what he was asked, and lay down
next to Charles, and let him place his arm around his waist, so they
lay spooned, back to belly. Erik managed to get a hold of the corner
of the quilt and pulled it back over them. He could feel Charles'
lips and warm breath in his neck.
"Sleep well, Erik," Charles said and kissed his lover.
"I hope so, Charles... And you too."
To Charles it felt like watching a movie. He was not doing it
consciously, but the image trickled into his mind by itself. In his
sleeping condition he could not break the transmission, but had to
take what was sent in.
Before him he saw a young boy, hardly any older than twelve; a
young boy dressed in dirty, worn-out, partly trashed clothes, and
big, clumsy clogs. He was very skinny and emaciated, with a thin,
chiselled face and large, pale-blue eyes that looked all too big for
His skin was pale, except for some places where he had clear marks
of blows. His head was shaved and it was impossible not to notice
the yellow Star of David that was stitched to the left side of his
His task was to try cleaning a dirty and decayed toilet, and was at
the moment trying to scrub the inside of a bathtub. It was not
difficult to see that this child was Erik Lehnsherr, although Charles
had not seen any photos of him at this age or earlier; Erik had
simply nothing left.
Despite his current condition, the young boy was very beautiful -
much alike the Erik he had been when they first met - and who he was
now. Erik was still a beautiful man.
Erik worked very resolutely and with much focus with the task that
had been assigned to him. His forehead was knit and he was scrubbing
tenaciously to get the stubborn smudges away - if he didn't
he would be shot, he had been told.
And Erik did not want to die, he wanted to survive, so therefore he
did his outmost without hesitation in spite of the cruel treatment he
Charles had wanted to approach Erik and take him in his arms,
comfort him and talk to him, but he couldn't. He was in a
time, on a different place, and was merely a spectator. He was
looking into Erik's memories. It had to be that.
Suddenly a crashing noise sounded and Charles could see the door to
the toilet fly open. A large, tall man, an SS-guard, judging from his
appearance, stamped inside.
Erik bounced up from the floor in terror at the sight of the guard,
and his large eyes widened with fear. He squeezed the dirty sponge
hard in his right hand.
"Well, jew-swine!" the guard spat. "I gave you two
should have cleaned this place during the time. Are you finished?"
Erik got up on unsteady feet and his slender body shook, but he was
too terrified to look the SS-man into the eyes.
"I... I... have... t...tr...tried, but I cannot... get
stains in the bath...tub...with this solvent..." he stuttered.
They spoke in German, and although Charles didn't know the
especially well he understood every word they said.
The guard came and looked down into the bathtub with a frown. When
he saw Erik hadn't succeeded, his reply was a single hard blow
knocked the boy to the floor. Erik screamed.
"You filthy jew-swine!" the guard snarled. "Why have
cleaned this up? You jew-filth! Lazy bastard! I gave you a simple
task and you are too lazy to complete it?!"
"No, no...!" Erik sobbed on the floor, with tears flowing
split lower lip. "I tried, I promise, but they did not go away...
"You are lying! You are a lazy jew-filth and there isn't
such as you here! Now I will shoot you!"
After saying that, he took out his revolver, ripped Erik up from
the floor with his other hand, and put the barrel against his temple.
Erik's tears were flowing, but he didn't dare to say
"Have you anything to say before you die, jew?" the guard
"I tried, please, give me another chance, I will clean this up,
will, just give me another hour, I will, I will, I will..."
"Do you want to be useful?" the guard sneered, and his grip
Erik's neck hardened.
The terrified young boy managed to nod in reply.
A sadistic smile spread over the guard's face.
"So you want to be "useful"? Really? Your people are
as burned corpses in a mass grave. But alright, I will teach you to
be useful, you dirty little jew-swine!"
The guard threw Erik onto the floor and put his revolver away, then
crouched beside the boy and hit him in the face. Erik curled on the
floor to protect himself from the blows, but he did not try to resist
or get away.
After beating the boy a few times the SS-man threw him around and
started to tear off his clothes.
Now Erik screamed. He screamed because he knew what was going to
happen; he had heard it was quite common at this place, but it had
not happened to him - until now.
With blood that dripped from his broken face Erik tried to crawl
away, but the SS-man caught him, of course, and the slender child did
not stand the slightest chance, even though he hit his small fist
against the guard's chest.
The man just laughed cruelly at his resistance and hit him again.
When Erik was almost unconscious the guard spread his legs and raped
Erik screamed and cried with pain, but there was nothing he could
do, and soon he gave up all resistance. Besides the large man's
weight was threatening to suffocate him.
When he was finished the guard pulled back and stood up and looked
at the lying little figure. It was obvious that he was pleased with
his work. He buttoned his trousers and brushed off the dirt from his
"Hey, jew-swine!" he spat and kicked Erik in the back.
there and cry! You will get one more hour to clean this place up. If
you are not done by then, I will come and put a bullet through your
brain. Is that clear?! One hour. Use it, jew-swine."
Then he left and the door banged shut behind him.
Erik lay with his face against the floor for some time after the
guard left. He sobbed almost hysterically and the salt from his tears
burned the wounds in his broken face. And his body hurt so badly. At
first he thought he would not be able to get up anymore, but then he
remembered what the SS-guard had said about the time he had left, and
finally managed to sit up.
The blood was flowing down his thin, white thighs and there was
blood on the floor where he had lain. It felt like he had been torn
apart below the waist and the pain was terrible.
Erik looked around for the rests of his tattered clothes, but he
was not able to put them back on. He had to let it be. He only used a
piece of cloth to wipe his bloodied thighs.
Then he saw the bloodstains on the floor.
He realized what he had to do. Clean. The guard had said it must be
clean when he returned. No bloodstains.
Erik frantically began to scrub his own blood away from the floor.
He knew how little time he had.
Charles did not want to see more, but he could not turn his head away
and he could not close his eyes. All he could do was watching like a
helpless onlooker while an SS-guard raped his beloved Erik.
Charles had wanted to scream, lunge at the guard and push him away,
or anything, but he could do nothing at all.
While Erik lay there, bloody and broken, trying to scrub his own
blood off the toilet floor, the image suddenly started to fade, and
was soon gone entirely.
Charles woke up by hearing Erik cry. Then he realized he was warm
in his bed, and that Erik was lying next to him, warm, safe, and
unharmed. But he was crying. Because of his dream. A dream he had
unconsciously shared with Charles. A dream about something that had
happened 16 years ago, but surely was fresh in Erik's memory.
Charles was still holding his arm around Erik's waist and could
feel his body trembling like a leaf in the wind. The telepathic link
between them had been cut off as soon as Charles woke up, but Charles
did not need telepathy to understand why his lover was crying.
"Erik?" he whispered and carefully shook Erik.
"Sweetheart? How are
you? Are you awake? Erik? Say something, please."
Erik continued to sob for another while. Right after waking up he
wasn't sure what time it was, or where he was, and the remnants
the nightmare that had taken place 16 years ago at Auschwitz lingered
in his mind.
When he then heard Charles' voice and felt the warmth of his
against his own, he remembered.
He was not at Auschwitz. He was not getting raped. It had only been
a dream. The past. He was safe where he was now. But although he
realized this, it did not take away the pain and the terror he felt,
and he could not stop sobbing.
The pillow was already wet with his tears.
"Erik?" Charles repeated softly and stroked Erik's arm.
Finally Erik dragged himself into a sitting position, still
sobbing, and took a paper napkin from the table beside the bed and
started to wipe his face. Charles sat up too. It was not the first
time Erik had nightmares about his stay at the concentration camp,
but it was the first time Charles had acquainted himself with them.
He was under almost as strong influence as Erik himself.
"Darling," he said softly but his voice trembled. He placed
around his lover's thin, shaking shoulders.
"I had a bad dream..." Erik mumbled with his head bent
"I know, my dear, I know..." Charles said soothingly and
Erik into his arms. The other man was still shaking and Charles could
hear him sob.
Charles was shocked, but did his outmost not to show it to Erik. He
had certainly known that Erik had been taken to Auschwitz during the
war because of his Jewish heritage, and that he was the only one in
his family who survived.
But Erik had been very reticent about his ordeals there, and
Charles had not known about the rape. Now he did, though, and was not
really sure how to handle this situation.
Erik had not wanted him to know. Not consciously for sure, but he
had looked into his lover's mind. What wouldn't he do to get
"Erik..." Charles began carefully as he still soothingly
the crying man in his arms. "What did you dream? Would you like
"A...A nightmare...about the war."
"What happened there, sweetie?"
"I'd rather not talk about that..."
"I know, Erik. He raped you."
Erik flew up as though he had been struck by an electric shock. His
blank expression was replaced by a mixture of surprise, anger, shame
and desperation. The look in his eyes was accusing.
"You read my mind?!" he hissed.
"No! I mean...yes, I... Erik, I saw your dream. I didn't
mean to, I
promise, but I saw it. I saw what that Nazi-bastard did to you. I am
sorry. Forgive me."
Erik's anger died off at once. His shoulders sank and his taut
relaxed. He sighed and lowered his eyes.
"So you...saw my dream?" he asked at last.
"Yes. I am sorry," Charles replied.
"You saw...what he...?"
Charles nodded. "Yes, I saw it all."
Erik face started to twitch. He slowly raised his eyes and met
Charles'. He didn't really know what he expected Charles to
believed his explanation that it hadn't been his purpose to look
his dream, but it didn't change the fact that Charles knew.
"I am sorry," Erik murmured. "I... I had no right to
snap at you,
"You don't have to apologize," Charles said seriously.
"I know how
"I "sense" more than "know"."
"So now you know..."
"Yes, now I know. And I am so sorry for you."
Erik slowly lay down in the bed and placed his head on Charles'
lap. Immediately he felt Charles' hand stroke his hair. Gradually
started to relax. Charles did not seem to be disgusted by him despite
that he knew.
"But there is one thing I don't understand," Charles
said. "Why have you not told me this? Didn't you think I
"I thought..." Erik began quietly. "I thought..."
"You thought what, my dear?"
"I thought you...might not want me anymore if you knew."
"Erik! How can you believe such a thing?" Charles
exclaimed. "Nothing in the world could make me stop wanting you.
Absolutely nothing. I love you. And I think it is terrible that you
have carried that secret around for 16 years without lightening you
heart. Did you actually believe I would reject you just because
you...have been raped?"
"I felt so dirty... I couldn't help it."
"You shouldn't. I love you, and you are strong. You should
proud. You survived the war. It cannot hurt you now."
"I know that, but...how can I forget?"
"Forget? That is the last thing you should do," Charles
didn't mean you should forget. I meant you should stop reliving
"Is there a difference?" Erik murmured.
"Yes, there is a huge difference. To stop reliving means that
won't let painful events from your past affect your way of seeing
yourself or how you think and act. Forgetting means repressing. That
is the worst you could do."
"I am not sure I understand," Erik said.
"You will. You are not dirty, Erik. You are a beautiful and
person, and you are a wonderful lover. You know that, don't
Erik managed to smile at the comment. He knew Charles thought so,
and it delighted him, but even though he loved Charles, and thought
it was wonderful to make love to him, he could sometimes not help
thinking of the horrible things that had been done to him during the
The memories clung on to him like stubborn flies and he could not
get rid of them, no matter how hard he tried.
"You are right, Charles," he murmured after some time,
resting his head on his lover's lap. "I must try to forg---
reliving, and not let that that happened during the war influence my
life. I am happy now, Charles. With you, and what I have managed to
become. I won't let anything destroy it. I love you, Charles. You
have been an enormous support to me. I had never done it without
Charles said nothing in reply now, just slowly kept on stroking
Erik's thick, wavy dark hair. He loved feeling it under his
"Are you sleepy?" he finally asked.
"No," Erik said lowly. "I am not."
"What time is it?"
"Soon six AM."
"What shall we do?"
"Erik, what do you say about this - let's do something
today. No work, no Cerebro. Just the two of us. We can go out and
have dinner, maybe go to the cinema and watch a movie, or just go
somewhere and enjoy life. What do you say about that?"
"That would be wonderful..." Erik replied longingly.
"But I have a
job, and Cerebro..."
"Call your job and tell them you're ill. You need a day
Besides it is Friday. They won't collapse if you are gone one
And Cerebro will be here too."
Erik looked doubtful at first, but then a smile spread over his
"You are right. Let's do it. You know what? Let's go to
and stay there all weekend. No work. Just us two."
"Anything you want, Erik. Anything you want," Charles
once again pulled his fingers through Erik's hair.