4701Fic: Through My Eyes: In the Ballance 6/7
- Feb 3, 2003Title: In the Balance
Series: Through My Eyes 6/7
** Disclaimer in Part One **
Previous Parts can be found at:
Change. The one word that unites all of humanity. It can bring hope
or sorrow to those affected. We learn from it, or we regret what we
could have done. There are always those could have, and would have
beens that haunt us. I know they are there because I can feel them
all around me. I see it in Jean's face, I hear it in Rogue's voice,
and I sense it in Scott's walk. Charles himself radiates conflict and
he is struggling in which direction to turn towards.
They are all going through their own personal struggles just as I am.
It's amazing that we all inhabit the same house and the same grounds
but we're in such different spaces at this time. We all hurt in
different ways, and there's so much sorrow in the air that even those
who weren't involved can feel the weight of our personal burdens.
Emotions are so thick in the air, and there is great confusion. Its
no wonder that the children can tell what happened was bigger than
the few details they heard about.
There are six main emotions floating around here, and though we all
feel a bit of everything, we can all be associated with one of them.
Jean is both the hardest and the easiest to identify. She has been
walking around these past few days to stay busy. It's a brilliant
disguise she is busy most of the time anyway so most people will not
notice at face value that she is not herself. But on the staff wing
its different. Jean is awake late into the night. I can hear her in
the empty room she has taken up residence in. She and Scott have
shared the same room now for six years, watching her move out was a
Jean is preoccupied with what might have been. She knows that Scott
would have blasted Magneto to kill him, and by default Rogue. But she
wonders if he could have and would have done the same if it were her
in that machine. I believe that she knows in herself that the answer
is yes. It hurts my heart to see Jean in such a painful place. She
and I have known each other for 15 years and I have never seen her so
devastated. It is the only appropriate word to describe her state.
She is conflicted, angry, sad, confused, scared and disappointed. But
mostly she is devastated.
Scott is of course the center of Jean's world. He has been there for
her and supported her, and the vice versa for him. But now he is in
such agony and he's scared that he's about too loose her. Scott has
weathered more than anyone should have to face at his age. He found
happiness with Jean after so many years fraught with loss and
hardship. Charles embraced him into the school and the cause
immediately. Scott was groomed for the part of team leader ever since
the idea formed in Charles mind.
He had born the burdens that leadership brings, long before the X-Men
were fully formed. Being a leader has become immersed into his
personality. It affects him in every area, at times it seems like he
forgets to relax, but Scott has always been intense. It's why I hate
to see him like this. Full of regret, and utterly lost. Jean has been
as much a part of him as leadership has. We all know that she is his
world. And the two things which Scott holds most dearly, his role as
a leader and his love for Jean have been pitted against each other
with reprocutions that we didn't anticipate. He's feeling it now
though. You can see it in everything he does. His posture is so tense
nowadays, as if even his body is refusing to give him a brake. He
knows as well as I do that his relationship with Jean is hanging in
the balance, and no matter what happens, a change will surely take
Rogue is also dealing with a heavy load. Yet she is taking all the
events in stride and handling the trauma with remarkable resilience.
The only time I see her truly sad is when she fingers what appear to
be tags around her neck. She has not told anybody what they are, or
what significance they have too her. For the first few days she
displayed many characteristics from the three personalities fighting
for dominance inside her head. Sometimes she was Logan; sometimes she
was Magneto, and fewer still she was herself.
Jean worked hard to stabilize Rogue, which was a double challenge, as
she had no psychology or psychiatry experience. She stayed down there
for nearly two days torn between jealousy and her instinct to help.
Luckily the latter won out and Jean treated Rogue with the best of
her ability. Since then, the young woman has attempted to shift
through the situation on her own terms. Pain, confusion, bitterness
and hope can be seen fighting on her features. But there are deeper
feelings which she is choosing not too reveal other than to seal them
off with resignation. For what happened, for herself or one of us we
do not know. It's neither a hopeful look, nor a pained look when I
glimpse it, but it is there. I am not worried about her; I think
she'll manage just fine by herself. I only wish the rest of us had
the grace to carry it off.
Charles' emotions are all over the scale. He feels angry, sad,
responsible, and many more things for how this all went down. He is
angry with himself for what may be the destruction of Jean and
Scott's relationship, but he feels that he was in the right to bring
the topics of sacrifice up with Scott in the first place. In a way he
does have a point, Scott is the leader, but on the other hand he
loves Jean and Scott like they are his children and he would be
heartbroken if anything happened to them.
His relationship with Erik has been a sore point now for a long time,
but I sense that he is finally contemplating ending it. They may not
be lovers, but they are in love and a healthy love is the hardest to
break off. Though we may not approve of whom Charles bestows his
intimate affections on, we love him and we will support him as his
family. But there is duplicity in our roles as family and X-Men.
Scott was right when he brought up what our feelings on the matter
were. It hurt Charles, but it was necessary. He realizes that, and I
know whatever decision he makes it won't be an easy one, and it will
affect all of us. I myself feel torn and saddened. That one event
could cause such havoc on our lives. One man could nearly two of us,
not too mention all the people at the conference. Because of this I
have too see two people whom I love most in the world suffer so much.
It angers me, and it makes me terribly sad in one fell swoop. I don't
believe in hate. It wastes too much energy and gets you nowhere. But
if I chose to hate one person it would be Magneto.
As mutants we have all suffered hardships that are unique to our
plight. Erik has seen things that none of us could imagine in our
worst nightmare. That doesn't excuse his behaviors. He has chosen a
path of blood that hurts anybody who crosses his path. He feeds off
of Charles' information and his attentions. I do now doubt that he
loves him, but Erik is capable of manipulating anyone and everyone.
I still don't know where my role in all of this falls yet. As a
woman, as a member of humanity, a mutant and an X-Men. Its all
complicated and too complex too sum into a few simple words. Emotions
are easier. They are constant and we feel them at all times, for good
or for ill. At the moment I can feel pain, and fear, and worry. There
is no rest in this time or worry. Too many elements are in the air,
and too many things left unfinished. I can only hope that things will
come to a head soon and we will see change. It will do us all some
good to have things settled even if it comes out as negative. The
waiting is the hardest part.