4497FIC: Journaling R (L/M) 1/1
- Aug 27, 2002Title: Journaling
Rating: R language (L/M)
Summary: Excerpts from Logan's and Marie's Journals.
Disclaimer: Fox and Marvel own everything. If they don't someone else does.
Archive: Lists. If your sure you will take care of it. Just let me know
where it went.
Feedback: That would be nice, I will even read criticism.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Rach, Victoria and Nancy for the beta. All
mistakes made after they did their magic are the fault of my computer, it is
old enough and should know better. Now for something completely different,
or at the least just fun. No seriousness was used in the writing of this
Special Thanks: As always, to Victoria for a few kind words that inspired
me to start posting my gibberish.
Logan - March 31
Marie was gone when I came back. On spring break with the girl in the
yellow and the quiet one. It gives me time to get settled in before she
Chuck suggested I keep a journal before, but that was the last thing I
wanted to do out on the road. When I came back this time, I informed him
I'd be sticking around awhile. He asked me to start keeping a journal.
Said it might help me remember my past, keep things I find straight. He
also said to write down my dreams, that I might see clues there. Most of my
dreams run along the same painful line. I don't need to write those down,
they're burned into my memory. I ain't ever going to forget what those
motherfuckers did to me.
Logan - April 6
Made sure I met her outside when they drove up. Her two friends were
squealing on about something. Those two sure can make a racket. She
ignored them and came over to talk. I never noticed how beautiful she looks
when she smiles. Told her I was planning on sticking around, she could hold
onto the tag awhile longer. Keep it safe for me.
Marie - April 6
Oh My God! Logan's back! Jubes, Kitty and I took a road trip for Spring
Break, since it's the last time we'll be together. Next year we'll all be
at different colleges. We had a good time, just driving, talking and
scoping out guys. No sooner did we pull in the drive of the school and
there he is, out on the front porch. Jubes and Kitty started squealing and
talking about what a hunk he is. I tried to ignore them and walked over to
I gave him a hug, to my surprise he returned it. I could only smile at him
as he told me he was staying for a long spell to take care of me. Then he
did the strangest thing, his gloved finger lightly traced the chain of his
tag that hangs around my neck. He said to keep wearing it, keep it safe for
him. He let me go, a small smile on his face and walked back inside.
Those two wouldn't shut up as I was getting my stuff out of the car. They
were sure he had been about to throw me over his shoulder and carry me off.
Jubes and Kitty are loco sometimes.
Logan - April 14
Marie started talking about joining the team this summer. Damn it. How am
I suppose to protect her if she is going on missions? She talked me into
training her. We start after graduation. God knows what that pansy has
been teaching these kids.
Marie - April 14
I ate lunch with Logan in the garden today. I could get use to that if he
wanted to eat together all the time. He just listened as I rambled on about
my plans for this summer and college in the fall. I wasn't sure if he was
really listening or only being polite, but his head came up when I mentioned
trying out for the team.
I mean he looked at me so fast I thought he was going to snap his neck in
two. He cursed under his breath and said I didn't owe these geeks anything.
I ran through my list of reasons, telling him in the end to get use to the
idea. Out of nowhere he said he was training me starting after graduation,
then stalked off grumbling.
Did I ask about training during my list of reasons?
Logan - May 13
Rescued a handful of kids from a lab today. I think this was the first time
the others realized how seriously fucked those twisted bastards could be. I
can still hear Jeannie crying in their room. Scott is trying to comfort
her, but even he is at a loss for words. We simply left as the facility
burned. Days like this, I'm relieved that Marie didn't have to learn first
hand about the world that way. Glad that Chuck has this school were she can
try to forget the pain in her life.
Marie found me outside. She never said a word, just sat with me, listening
to the night.
Marie - May 13
I heard the Blackbird come back late. I slipped downstairs to find Logan, I
wasn't sleeping anyway. I could tell from his tattered uniform that it had
been bad. Gave him the beer I grabbed on the way out and sat down next to
him. He let me lean my head on his shoulder. I only wish I could ease some
of the pain he was feeling. He had a far away look in his eyes. When he
turned to me, his eyes looked the same as the first day I met him. There
must have been kids involved in the mission.
Logan brought me back to my room after finishing his cigar. He hugged me at
my door and kissed my forehead quickly. I just stood there, staring as he
walked to his room.
That was the most tender thing he has ever done. Oh yeah, he kissed me. I
know it was just my forehead, but that counts. It does! Really!
Logan - May 28
Marie graduated today. She looked so happy with her friends. Chuck held a
semi-formal dinner for those students without families. Marie was beautiful
in her black silk dress. Everyone watched her as she entered the dining
room. I ended up with her scarf. I have to remember to give it back to
Marie - May 28
The day seemed to drag by. It took forever. That Worthington guy that
spoke was plain boring. zzzzz Jubes kept making fun of him. When I got my
diploma, Logan was like a pep squad, the way he yelled. Later he told me
how proud of me he was.
After eating cake, Jubes and I went to change for the Professor's dinner
party, while Kitty left with her family for an evening in New York. On my
bed was a big box. Everyone else had exchanged gifts earlier, so I figured
it had to be from Logan. I opened it to find a slip dress, opera length
gloves and silk hose. They were all in the smoothest black silk I had ever
seen. The dress stopped mid-thigh where it flared slightly, it was backless
with little crisscross straps. I put everything on and even had the perfect
black strappy heels and sheer scarf to go with it.
Jubes whistled when she saw me. She said he had expensive taste, the box
was from one of the exclusive boutiques in the fashion district. It
definitely is the most beautiful outfit I've ever owned.
Logan told me how gorgeous I was. Wait, let me repeat that, because he sure
did. Logan told me how gorgeous I was. Twice! He stayed with me all
evening making sure no one got to close to all my exposed skin. Got to love
I wonder if he saw my scarf? I lost it somewhere.
Logan - June 5
Started training today. Marie's got good technique. I wish she wasn't so
eager to learn to fight. She shouldn't have to know. She should be having
fun and dating like the other girls her age. I told her as much. She said
it was fine, who would want her anyway. She needs to quit thinking like
that. There are plenty of men who would jump at the chance to be with her.
I'm not sure why, but she flashed me one of those beautiful smiles.
Marie - June 5
Training with Logan is something else entirely. Jubes and Kitty insisted I
wear this full body leotard/catsuit thing I have. I wasn't sure, but I wore
it. Logan growled at me when I walked into the gym. He had a funny look on
his face, almost like surprise.
Anyway, I tried real hard to do my best, show him what I already knew. He
didn't seem very impressed and started instructing me in another fighting
style. As we were finishing our sparring he voiced his opinion again that I
didn't have to do this. He thought I should be out shopping and doing other
teenage things like dating. I reminded him about my 'gift' and made some
lame joke about guys not wanting me.
I really don't think he knows I heard him say it. Maybe he didn't even know
he did. "I want you, Marie." I was glad our time was over, because I
literally ran out of there with a frelling huge dumb ass grin on.
Logan - June 20
That little Cajun bastard. I could see he wasn't any good for Marie. He
would only break her heart. She deserves better that him. Someone who
loves her, will be faithful and that she can trust. I think I better talk
to him. Tell him that if he hurts her, he'll be dealing with me.
Marie - June 21
I'm really confused. The last couple of weeks since graduation, Remy had
been flirting and asking me out. Then today he barely even talked to me. I
mean I know he has a short attention span, but that was way too abrupt. I
said as much to Kitty and Jubes, they started laughing, Jubes fell off the
bed she was laughing so hard. Kitty finally looked at me. 'You don't
know, do you?' 'Know what?' Jubes relayed the entire story.
During the past year and a half I had been at the school, when ever Logan
came back he would threaten any boys that showed an interest in me.
I just hunted down Remy to find out. I quote, 'Remy don wanna part wit his
manhood. He not mess wit da Wolverine's woman.'
Marie - June 22
Confronted Logan today about him threatening Remy and the others. He said
it was nothing. He just flashed a couple inches of claw and told them they
better not hurt me. I asked him what he thought he was doing. Gave me the
same line about protecting me that he always says. Then he added that he
wanted me to find someone I could trust, who would be faithful and love me.
I got this odd feeling he was talking about himself.
Logan - July 5
Marie made the team. I discussed with Chuck her need for additional
training. He agreed that it would be best for her not to go on missions
right away, until she had more Danger Room time with the team. I think it
is best to start training her with weapons. I don't want her mutation to be
her only option for defense.
Marie - July 5
I did it! I made the team!
The Professor commented that it was a probationary type thing. When they
thought I had enough experience working as part of the team in the Danger
Room, I would start going on missions.
Logan still insists on a separate sparring session with me twice a week.
I'm glad. I was afraid I might have to give up my favorite hour of the day.
Logan time is by far the best time of the day.
He gave me a gift tonight, a knife. I admit I was confused at first. He
wants me to keep it sheathed in my boot when in uniform. He is going to
teach me how to use it. I finally understood when he explained that he knew
how using my gift could be unpleasant and wanted to make sure I had other
options. I think he is the only one that has considered how using my gift
for the team can effect me.
Logan - July 21
Marie asked me to take her to the local college campus at Salem Center to
enroll. I hung around while she signed up for classes, then we caught a
movie. We ended the day with a steak in the city before returning to the
mansion. Marie fell asleep on the way home. She looks so young and
Marie - July 22
Logan took me to the college's satellite campus at Salem Center yesterday.
He stayed with me while I filled out all the paperwork. I was real worried
about how to arrange my classes so I wouldn't have to bum rides that often.
Logan offered to let me borrow his truck to get to my classes if it didn't
work out right. I don't know why I was surprised, it's not like he offered
me his Harley. I put all my classes on Mondays , Wednesdays, and Fridays,
that way I didn't have to borrow his truck except on Mondays. The other two
days someone is always headed in and I can get dropped off and picked up on
We caught some movie after I was registered. I really don't remember the
movie at all. How is a girl suppose to concentrate with Logan's arm on the
back of her seat tracing small patterns across her shoulders? He had to
know what he was doing to me when I quit breathing as his fingers glided up
We went on into the city for a steak at a tavern. I couldn't believe it.
We actually talked during the meal. Usually he just listens to me chatter
on about school, Jubes and Kitty, or other things. Today we had a real
adult, deep conversation, about real issues. We talked about the others, I
decided we must be the closest thing he has ever had to a family.
He is so handsome when he lets his guard slip down a little. Not that he
isn't sexy as hell the rest of the time; there are numerous women that will
testify to his raw sexual presence. But he appeared so content at supper,
it added a whole new level to him, the hard glint in his eyes was gone for a
I was so tired I fell asleep with my head on his leg on the way home. I
woke briefly at one point to see him playing with the white strands of my
hair. I would have given anything to know what that small smile that played
across his lips was about. The next time I opened my eyes I was in my bed
with my shoes off and a blanket tucked around me. Logan must have carried
me up to my room.
I think I'm falling in love with him.
Logan - August 12
Marie went on her first mission last night. I made sure that she was safe
and kept out of trouble. Afterward she insisted on fixing me breakfast.
Nothing big, but it was good. She looked so graceful moving around the
Marie - August 12
FIRST MISSION ALERT!
Well it really wasn't all that exciting. I was assigned to stay in the jet
and monitor systems, while the others ran around breaking up a FOH riot at a
mutant friendly business. It was still interesting to watch from a
distance. Logan really enjoys his fighting, especially when he can kick
ass. You know with the way he kept looking over his shoulder at the
Blackbird, I'm pretty sure he was the reason that I ended up monitoring
systems instead of fighting. I let myself daydream that it had more to do
with me being his, than with a promise he made.
It was almost 5 A.M. when we finally were debriefed. Logan let me make him
breakfast, nothing fancy: eggs, bacon, toast and coffee. We didn't talk
much, but every time I turned around he was watching me. I could feel his
eyes on me as I moved around the kitchen, almost like he was studying me.
Logan - September 4
I swear if I ever find the prick, I'll KILL him. She said not to bother,
she broke his nose and he would need help to take a piss until the casts
came off. I knew something was wrong when she called. She sounded off. I
went to get her as fast as I could. She refused to tell me what happened.
She ranted the the entire way home, then she started crying. I swear if I
ever find out who that little fuck was, killing won't be good enough for
Marie - September 4
Yesterday started out so normal. Jean gave me a lift to campus for my
Wednesday classes on her way to do her volunteer work at the clinic. My
classes passed quickly, a group of us set up a study session for the evening
for our Biology class, we had a major test on Friday. Called Jean to let
her know not to stop for me on her way home, I would call in the evening
when I needed a ride.
I met up with the group at a local restaurant where we ate supper and
studied. Two hours later after I decided my brain had had enough, I got
ready to leave. One of the guys said he lived out my way, he would be happy
to give me a lift so I didn't have to bother anyone at my house to make the
trip in. Finally, I accepted and we left. Everything was fine until we
were out away from the street lights.
He pulled over and said that he wanted payment for the ride. He grabbed me.
I don't know what happened. It must have been all the training from Logan.
I punched him hard and jumped from the car. He came after me, nose at an
odd angle and blood pouring down his face. He slammed me onto the car. I
kicked him in the chest and heard a snap as we both landed in the dirt. My
shirt was ripped as I rolled to my feet, he screamed as I lashed out at the
arm grabbing for me. I ran down the road, not stopping until I reached the
last convience store we had passed.
I called the mansion. Logan answered. I gave him directions, but refused to
tell him what was going on. I must have looked a real mess, because he was
out of the truck before it was completely stopped. He checked me over,
swearing he'd kill the guy if I would tell him who. I already hurt the guy
enough, didn't want his death on my hands, so I refused to give him details.
Logan fumed, I cussed and bitched about what assholes men were the entire
half hour to the mansion.
He was still listening to my ramblings as I cleaned up and got ready for
bed. Exiting the bathroom I took one look at Logan and broke down. He
looked lost, he wanted to help me, but didn't know how since I wouldn't let
him kill the guy. He pulled me into his strong embrace, whispering
comforting words, staying with me all night as I cried myself to sleep. He
was still there when I woke up this morning. I wish I could wake up in his
arms every morning.
Logan walked in my room just a little while ago, tossing me a cell phone.
The first number programmed into it was to his new phone. He said I was to
call him anytime I needed anything, he'd be there no matter what. We spent
the next 30 minutes entering in everyone else's numbers.
Logan is a big exception to all that men being assholes stuff I said last
night. He is definitely in a special category of great men.
Logan - September 12
Marie's off with Jubilee and Kitty for the whole weekend. I didn't realize
how much time I was spending with her. It's so quiet at the mansion today.
Fuck this shit. I need a good fight. Can't remember the last time I went
Marie - September 15
Spent the entire weekend with Jubes and Kitty, shopping, hanging out and
catching up. I had a great time, but missed Logan. They both insisted that
Logan was head over heels in love with me, especially after I told them
about the cell phone. I left Sunday after they promised they were coming to
the mansion during the first week of October for my birthday.
I know Logan spent the weekend out fighting. He really needed to blow some
steam off, particularly after that incident a couple of weeks ago. Isn't
pathetic of me to know that he didn't have sex, just fought. Yeah I'm
pitiful, but I'm ecstatic he was just bashing heads and not having sex with
women who aren't me.
Logan - September 19
Bastard. Fucking selfish bastard. She don't need my shit. I can't hurt
her. I can't lose control.
Marie - September 19
That man is so infuriating, he confuses me to no end!
I'd been bugging him to let me train with him in one of his Danger Room
programs. He kept putting me off, because he would have to reset all the
safety levels so I wouldn't get hurt. He finally gave in today. I used the
pout and puppy eyes, he can never say no to that. He says I abuse my power.
The program was great, until I got carried away and made a mistake. Logan
swept me out of danger, ordering the computer to a halt. I lay under him on
the floor, suddenly aware of my body's reaction to the contact of his body.
He took a deep breath, I knew he could tell I wanted him. My senses were
overwhelmed as his hands began roaming my body.
There I was in the arms of the man I desperately loved, finally feeling like
a woman, with not a thought in the world of doing anything else but letting
him have me. He wanted to take me, what with the ragged breathing in my ear
and the erection pressing into my hip. What is a touch starved girl do with
this information? She does the only logical thing and moans his name.
His response to the pleading in my voice was immediate. He swore, jumping
up so fast my head thumped back on the floor. He stalked to the door, still
cursing as he turned down the hall. How could I have been so wrong?
Logan - October 3
Marie turned 19 today. There was a small BBQ with her friends here. She
had a good time and looked damn fine in that leather. Jubilee brought
something that the 3 of them got drunk on.
Marie is going to be the death of me. I need to get out for awhile to clear
Marie - October 3
Here it is my birthday and I'm crying and whining about Logan. It has been
two weeks since he has talked to me.
Avoidance seems to be his plan. Up until now he had always been good about
letting me touch him. I guess that when presented with the possibility of
sex and deadly skin it just isn't casual. Hell, I'm not expecting forever.
I still have enough of him in my head to know that commitment has never been
part of his sex life in the past. Not that I want casual, but if that is
what he needs I can figure out how to give him that.
Jubes and Kitty cut their last classes to get here for lunch. We ate
together, discussing their cheerier love lives. After lunch we helped set
up for the BBQ this evening before returning to my room. There in the
middle of my bed was a box. Jubes and Kitty started squealing, I merely
sank to the floor and cried. At their confusion I told them everything that
had happened since I last saw them.
They convinced me to open the box, to at least see what he got me. I pulled
out gloves, a vest and pants all in smooth, thin black leather. Kitty was
bouncing around telling Jubes to give me their presents. She quickly
disappeared down the hall and came back with 2 gift bags. With a hint of
mischief, Jubes hand one to me, saying the other was for the three of us.
In my bag was a sheer black mesh bodystocking. It was slightly stretchy and
would cover me from just under my chin to my ankles. I decided to give
Logan something to avoid and slipped into the bathroom to change.
"Chica, that'll give Wolvie sulking material.' I checked in the mirror.
The outfit was skin tight even over the bodystocking. An inch of mesh
covered skin appeared between the bottom of the vest and top the pants that
hugged my hips. The vest itself was low cut, showing my cleavage off, where
Logan's tag was nestled. The gloves were short, only coming to my wrist,
leaving my arms encased in just the bodystocking.
They'll be back any second from changing and we'll head down stairs for the
evening. Wish me luck!
Marie - October 4
I did it! I threw myself at Logan, ruining whatever friendship there was.
Had a wonderful time at the BBQ. Turns out that Jubes' 'us bag', from
earlier, contained some kind of liquor. I really don't remember what it
was. The food was good. Scott flips a mean burger. The drinks were even
better. I mingled in my new outfit, used the Logan in my head to flirt with
the men and danced the night away. Logan spent most of the evening talking
to the Professor and scowling at me. I would flash him a smile or wink, and
go flirt with someone else.
Obviously Jubes had been drinking more than me. Around midnight Scott
carried her to her room; Jean followed, escorting a giggling Kitty. I did
a quick field sobriety test to assure everyone that I was able to make my
own way up.
No sooner had I taken my boots off, than Logan knocked on the door. I let
him in, shutting the door behind him. He said he wanted to make sure I was
ok. I turned to look at him and asked if he wanted to see what my
bodystocking looked like without the black leather.
Surprise! He didn't leave, just licked his lips like they were dry, as I
slowly took off my vest and pants. I stood basically naked before him, I
hadn't put on a bra or underwear since I had the bodystocking. He stood
silently watching as I raised my arms and slowly danced a circle in front of
him. He was still there as I pulled back the covers, climbing into bed.
When I looked up he was at the edge of the bed, pulling the covers up like
he was tucking in his little sister. Then he was gone.
That was around 24 hours ago and I haven't seen him since. His Harley isn't
in the garage either. Way to go Marie!
Marie - October 5
I came up with a new plan. The get on with your life plan. Jubes and Kitty
were only too happy to go to the city for some Sunday shopping. First stop
was where they found the bodystocking. I was able to buy a white one and
one with a lacy pattern. The store had a speciality catalog I took so that
I could order other clothing later.
Second stop, the mall. I had been hiding behind baggy layers for way too
long. I figure as long as I have a bodystocking or something like it on, I
can wear whatever I want over it without danger of accidents. I bought
plenty of tight, skimpy clothes. A new wardrobe for a new life.
Marie - November 26
Time for an update. It's been awhile since I made any entries. In fact the
last one was the weekend Logan left. He hasn't been back since.
I knew I screwed up throwing myself at him like that. I've often wondered
if it was because he thought I was smashed and he didn't want to take
advantage of me. I ran all the scenarios of why he left: my age, my skin,
my inexperience, his past and even Jean. I settled on one, the only real
He doesn't love me.
He cares for me, I know that. He just doesn't love me. He can't see
himself as my lover. In the two months he¹s been gone, I've come to accept
that. I won't be anything else to him other than a burden. One he promised
to take care of.
My get on with your life plan has worked pretty well. A couple of guys have
asked my out. I haven't gone on any dates though. None of them measure up
to the standards of the Logan in my head. I have gone out to parties and
such with friends. I try to get out more than I used to, because I'm lonely
Jubes to the Rescue
"Hey Jubes, have you seen my journal? I swore I left it on my desk." Marie
asked, shuffling around several books.
"No, you know I quit reading that boring thing months ago." Jubes continued
to flip through a magazine as she sprawled across her friend's bed.
"Besides, I thought you quit writing in it anyway."
"Well, yeah I did. Oh forget it. It's not like that journal is ever going
to make my life change for the better." She gave up her search, settling
down in a chair.
"That's what you think," Jubes mumbled under her breath.
"What did you say?"
"Are you going to go talk to him? Your horoscope says now is a good time to
resolve old issues. You could at least find out if you're still friends."
"I don't need to go ask. He made it pretty clear the way he completely
ignored me through out dinner."
"Chica, that was hours ago. He's had time to think."
"He's had two months away to think. A couple hours won't make a
Jubes pulled Rogue to her feet, pushing her toward the hall. "Come on,
girl. Let him know you're willing to be friends. Or at least you can give
him back his tag."
They stopped in front of Logan's door. Rogue simply stared at it.
"For Heaven's sake." Jubes knocked on the door and waited impatiently by
her friend. The door swung open, revealing Logan clad only in a worn pair
"Hey, Wolvie," Jubes said, shoving Rogue into the room and walking away.
He shut the door as she stumbled past him. "Hey."
"Hey yourself....um... I was glad to see that you made it back for
Thanksgiving dinner." She awkwardly took in his room, noticing that he
appeared to be packing. "Are you leaving again?"
He stepped over to her. "No, I thought I would just make room for some
"Yeah. Well, from the look of it you could probably fit a whole new
wardrobe into the closet."
"Something like that." He stretched out a hand, curling a white lock around
a finger. She knew he could hear her heart rate increase and the hitch in
her breathing. "I read the journal. The one you left with the note."
"I was thinking that maybe you'd like to move in here. You know, share a
room with me."
"Start a relationship with me. Damn Marie, I ain't good at this explaining
"No, you're doing a wonderful job."
"I'm pretty sure the journal ending up in here was Jubes' doing."
"I'd like to move in here. I'd like to share a room with you. I'd like to
start a relationship with you."
"Logan, I think you and I need to work on expanding our communication
"Actually, I was thinking of severely limiting our communication."
"Do you want to move my things in now or after you relieve me of my annoying
ability to make coherent thoughts and say words?"
Without responding he pulled her into an embrace. Placing her scarf over
her parted lips, he consumed her in a searing kiss.
Jubes giggled as she and Kitty walked by the door an hour later.
"Jubes, you said you finally got them talking. I don't hear them talking."
Kitty immediately flushed in understanding, hearing several moans and a low
growl from behind the closed door.
~* end *~
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