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3778FIC: Nature Trail to hell! 1/2

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  • Autumn Biggins
    Nov 2, 2001
      >Title: Nature Trail to Hell! 1/2
      >Author: Autumn
      >E-mail: eddievedderismylife@...
      >Rating: PG-EVIL
      >Summary: Logan, Marie and the X-Men face the most terrifying thing
      >known to man, (aside from Barbara Walters, and Martha Stewart, and
      >Regis Philban and the peeps of course).
      >Archive Rights: Mutual Admiration, WRFA, XMMFFC, etc.
      >Thanks to Karen for the suggestions and assurance that this isn't
      >completely stupid.
      >Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the line I borrowed
      >from Monty Python.
      >Author's Notes: This is partially based on a true story. I am quite
      >opposed to the highly homophobic organization the "Boy Scouts of
      >America." It's insulting that the last word in their title is
      >America, which is meant to stand for tolerance and freedom. The BS
      >(and don't you just love the irony of that abbreviation?) are very
      >homophobic and intolerant of any religion that falls out of the
      >Christian domain. I don't feel guilty at all for making them out to
      >be idiots.
      > `Twas a quiet day in Westchester. The bees were buzzing. The
      >grass was growing; the kids were toking other kinds of grass. The
      >Wolverine and the Rogue were fu- well doing things that aren't really
      >printable in a family-friendly story and are still illegal in
      >Anyway, the idealyc atmosphere was interrupted when professor fluffy-
      >ballerina-man (formerly known as Charles Xavier, but he'd changed his
      >name due to going loopy with old age) called his X-men to action.
      > "X-Men, I calleth the to action!" He screamed through his
      >mind, creating migraine headaches in all of his employees.
      >Slowly but surely the X-men stumbled into the giant pink tutu that
      >had until recently been a conference room. Scott, Jean, Logan, Marie,
      >Remy and Storm all rolled their eyes at the old codger who was
      >dressed in a pink leotard and hot pink tutu. He looked like the Pink
      >Panther had mated with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
      > " You know Ch-" Jean started.
      > "It's Fluffy Ballerina Man damnit! Is that so hard to
      >understand?" The irritated bald man shouted.
      > "Okay, I just feel a little bit silly calling you that sir"
      >Jean finished.
      > "Well, I feel weird calling you "Jean" but I do it anyway. I
      >expect you to do the same for me." The pink one commanded.
      > "What the hell's the problem?" A certain Canadian gruffly
      > "X-Men, I need you to go save some people from a horrible,
      >bad thing."
      > "But, Magneto's in prison, Mystique's in a traveling circus
      >and Sabertooth had a lobotomy and writes children's stories now. Who
      >else is there to defeat?" Rogue asked.
      > "The BSA you silly, willy, nilly head!" Fluffy-ballerina man
      > "The who?" A confused Scott continued.
      > "The Boy Scouts of America."
      > "Can't we just let Magneto out of his gerbil cage and go
      >catch him again instead?" Storm desperately asked.
      > "To answer that, I shall use American Sign Language" the FBM
      >dramatically stated.
      > He crooked his fingers into an 'n' and then an 'o'. Logan
      >leaned over and whispered in Rogue's ear, "I'll show him some sign
      > "Now, be gone with you! And bring me back some of those
      > "Um, monsure, the petite flilles do those, not the boys" Remy
      > "GO!" The agitated man yelled at the sextet.
      > Not wanting to deal with his pinkness anymore, they left the
      >sickeningly cheery room and headed to the blackbird, which was now
      >also a bright shade of pink, as were the formerly black uniforms.
      >Rogue had repainted her uniform a lovely shade of green. Logan of
      >course had spray painted his a far more manly color- brown.
      > "Heh, Scooter looks like the spokesman for the gay straight
      >alliance!" Logan said in regards to the pink clad leader.
      > "Better than looking like a giant walking turd." Then again,
      >you look like that all the time no matter what you wear Logan." Scott
      >shot back.
      > Logan flipped him the middle claw and stalked past Scott to
      >board the plane. As he reached Scott, he slapped him upside the head.
      > "Logan!" Jean reprimanded.
      > "What? My hand slipped." Logan said with mock innocence or
      >Logan said, feigning innocence.
      > The rest of the team boarded the plane and took their
      >respective seats. Scott and Storm took the piglet and co-piglet
      >seats. Remy and Jean sat behind them, and on the floor in the back of
      >the plane sat Logan with Rogue in his lap. Ever since the plane had
      >had an interior redecoration of pink leather, the pair refused to sit
      >in their assigned seats. They claimed the color gave them nightmares.
      >Earlier that day in Montana....
      > The Snow bank Jamboree was well under way. Boy scouts from
      >Idaho, Washington, Montana, and Oregon had traveled to western
      >Montana to participate in the premiere event of the scouting year.
      >Camping in the woods in the dead of winter in freezing conditions. Oh
      >joy. The boys and their troup leaders were gathering together at the
      >huge fire pit that had been dug earlier in the day when a powerful
      >and feared figure loomed over them- THE SCOUTMASTER!!!! He was known
      >through out the land and regarded as the most important and awe-
      >inspiring man in the completely hetero organization.
      > The aforementioned manly, man (but not too manly) strode to
      >the makeshift stage and picked up the microphone. He tilted his head
      >just so and began to speak. "Scouts, leaders, board members. There is
      >an evil here among us. Someone out there has been spreading this" he
      >said as he held up a copy of the book 'Why can't Billy and Timmy be
      >Good Friends?'
      > "As I'm sure you all know, this is listed as a code 33A in
      >the Scouting handbook. You know what that all means." He continued
      >"No, sir I don't." A little boy in the back shouted out.
      > "Well son, it means that this here book obviously points to
      >faggotry, fairyism, and general gayness. Its one of the homosexual
      >tools they use to recruit weak-willed young men." The Scoutmaster
      > Just them a lone tree swayed in the forest, and the snap of a
      >stick was heard. It was followed by a terrifying scream. The brave
      >Scoutmaster stood still and commanded the local troup leader to
      >investigate. About thirty-seconds later he returned, his face pale
      >and his knees shaking.
      > "Well Johnson, what is it?" The authorative one spake.
      > "It's Newell sir, he's uh dead. His badge was ripped off and
      >his neck was broken." Johnson replied.
      > "Who the hell would kill a troup leader! It's unimaginable
      >and evil. Must have been one of those right-wing fruitcakes." The
      >wise one concluded.
      > "Johnson we're going to get to the bottom of this. We have to
      >show these scouts that no fudgepacker is going to kill one of our
      >righteous and get away with it!" The Scoutmaster again stated.
      >In the Pink/Blackbird.....
      > "Who the hell cares if some stupid ass troup leader bit it?"
      >Logan growled angered at the stupid mission they were embarking on.
      > "Logan, who cares what we're doing as long as we get away
      >from Professor Tuti-fruity!" Jean exclaimed.
      > "Yes, his obsession with the color pink is muy-annoying no?"
      >Remy interjected.
      > "Will someone please think of the children!" Storm suddenly
      >shouted, "They are in great peril!"
      > "How perilous is the peril?" Scott nervously asked.
      > "I don't know, you're the team leader, you tell me" the
      >Goddess stated.
      > "Oh, right, let me look that up in my handbook." Scott said
      >as he whipped out his copy of the Eagle Scout Handy-Dandy
      >Everything's Cool Handbook.
      > The rest of the team just stared at him. Rogue gave him an
      >incredulous look and fixed him with a deadly stare. " Scott, you
      >know how I feel about boy scouts. I am going to give you three
      >seconds to jump out of this plane, and then I am going to throw you
      > Scott didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed his pink
      >parachute, strapped it on and jumped out of the plane. Logan looked
      >at Rogue with a mixture of lust, happiness and yeah lust. He jumped
      >her and they quickly got down to doing the dirty deed, again.
      > Jean simply looked back and rolled her eyes at the
      >pair. "That's what, the third time they've done that on a mission?
      >They need to get their priorities sorted out."
      > Storm just nodded at the comment as she expertly brought the
      >Pinkbird down onto the snowy field in Montana. The team untapped
      >themselves from their seats and waited a little less than patiently
      >for Logan and Rogue to er-finish their pre-battle warm-up and dress
      >in their altered uniforms. The team stepped out of the plane and
      >found themselves surrounded by miniature soldiers in tan shirts and
      >red kerchiefs.
      > "Oh shit" Logan said as the scouts advanced on the five X-
      >Men. It was then that they spotted a pink spot in the sea of beige.
      > "Great Scott!" The five X-Men shouted together as their
      >formerly fearless leader stepped forward from the
      >To be Continued.....

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