3778FIC: Nature Trail to hell! 1/2
- Nov 2, 2001
>Title: Nature Trail to Hell! 1/2
>Summary: Logan, Marie and the X-Men face the most terrifying thing
>known to man, (aside from Barbara Walters, and Martha Stewart, and
>Regis Philban and the peeps of course).
>Archive Rights: Mutual Admiration, WRFA, XMMFFC, etc.
>Thanks to Karen for the suggestions and assurance that this isn't
>Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the line I borrowed
>from Monty Python.
>Author's Notes: This is partially based on a true story. I am quite
>opposed to the highly homophobic organization the "Boy Scouts of
>America." It's insulting that the last word in their title is
>America, which is meant to stand for tolerance and freedom. The BS
>(and don't you just love the irony of that abbreviation?) are very
>homophobic and intolerant of any religion that falls out of the
>Christian domain. I don't feel guilty at all for making them out to
> `Twas a quiet day in Westchester. The bees were buzzing. The
>grass was growing; the kids were toking other kinds of grass. The
>Wolverine and the Rogue were fu- well doing things that aren't really
>printable in a family-friendly story and are still illegal in
>Anyway, the idealyc atmosphere was interrupted when professor fluffy-
>ballerina-man (formerly known as Charles Xavier, but he'd changed his
>name due to going loopy with old age) called his X-men to action.
> "X-Men, I calleth the to action!" He screamed through his
>mind, creating migraine headaches in all of his employees.
>Slowly but surely the X-men stumbled into the giant pink tutu that
>had until recently been a conference room. Scott, Jean, Logan, Marie,
>Remy and Storm all rolled their eyes at the old codger who was
>dressed in a pink leotard and hot pink tutu. He looked like the Pink
>Panther had mated with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
> " You know Ch-" Jean started.
> "It's Fluffy Ballerina Man damnit! Is that so hard to
>understand?" The irritated bald man shouted.
> "Okay, I just feel a little bit silly calling you that sir"
> "Well, I feel weird calling you "Jean" but I do it anyway. I
>expect you to do the same for me." The pink one commanded.
> "What the hell's the problem?" A certain Canadian gruffly
> "X-Men, I need you to go save some people from a horrible,
> "But, Magneto's in prison, Mystique's in a traveling circus
>and Sabertooth had a lobotomy and writes children's stories now. Who
>else is there to defeat?" Rogue asked.
> "The BSA you silly, willy, nilly head!" Fluffy-ballerina man
> "The who?" A confused Scott continued.
> "The Boy Scouts of America."
> "Can't we just let Magneto out of his gerbil cage and go
>catch him again instead?" Storm desperately asked.
> "To answer that, I shall use American Sign Language" the FBM
> He crooked his fingers into an 'n' and then an 'o'. Logan
>leaned over and whispered in Rogue's ear, "I'll show him some sign
> "Now, be gone with you! And bring me back some of those
> "Um, monsure, the petite flilles do those, not the boys" Remy
> "GO!" The agitated man yelled at the sextet.
> Not wanting to deal with his pinkness anymore, they left the
>sickeningly cheery room and headed to the blackbird, which was now
>also a bright shade of pink, as were the formerly black uniforms.
>Rogue had repainted her uniform a lovely shade of green. Logan of
>course had spray painted his a far more manly color- brown.
> "Heh, Scooter looks like the spokesman for the gay straight
>alliance!" Logan said in regards to the pink clad leader.
> "Better than looking like a giant walking turd." Then again,
>you look like that all the time no matter what you wear Logan." Scott
> Logan flipped him the middle claw and stalked past Scott to
>board the plane. As he reached Scott, he slapped him upside the head.
> "Logan!" Jean reprimanded.
> "What? My hand slipped." Logan said with mock innocence or
>Logan said, feigning innocence.
> The rest of the team boarded the plane and took their
>respective seats. Scott and Storm took the piglet and co-piglet
>seats. Remy and Jean sat behind them, and on the floor in the back of
>the plane sat Logan with Rogue in his lap. Ever since the plane had
>had an interior redecoration of pink leather, the pair refused to sit
>in their assigned seats. They claimed the color gave them nightmares.
>Earlier that day in Montana....
> The Snow bank Jamboree was well under way. Boy scouts from
>Idaho, Washington, Montana, and Oregon had traveled to western
>Montana to participate in the premiere event of the scouting year.
>Camping in the woods in the dead of winter in freezing conditions. Oh
>joy. The boys and their troup leaders were gathering together at the
>huge fire pit that had been dug earlier in the day when a powerful
>and feared figure loomed over them- THE SCOUTMASTER!!!! He was known
>through out the land and regarded as the most important and awe-
>inspiring man in the completely hetero organization.
> The aforementioned manly, man (but not too manly) strode to
>the makeshift stage and picked up the microphone. He tilted his head
>just so and began to speak. "Scouts, leaders, board members. There is
>an evil here among us. Someone out there has been spreading this" he
>said as he held up a copy of the book 'Why can't Billy and Timmy be
> "As I'm sure you all know, this is listed as a code 33A in
>the Scouting handbook. You know what that all means." He continued
>"No, sir I don't." A little boy in the back shouted out.
> "Well son, it means that this here book obviously points to
>faggotry, fairyism, and general gayness. Its one of the homosexual
>tools they use to recruit weak-willed young men." The Scoutmaster
> Just them a lone tree swayed in the forest, and the snap of a
>stick was heard. It was followed by a terrifying scream. The brave
>Scoutmaster stood still and commanded the local troup leader to
>investigate. About thirty-seconds later he returned, his face pale
>and his knees shaking.
> "Well Johnson, what is it?" The authorative one spake.
> "It's Newell sir, he's uh dead. His badge was ripped off and
>his neck was broken." Johnson replied.
> "Who the hell would kill a troup leader! It's unimaginable
>and evil. Must have been one of those right-wing fruitcakes." The
>wise one concluded.
> "Johnson we're going to get to the bottom of this. We have to
>show these scouts that no fudgepacker is going to kill one of our
>righteous and get away with it!" The Scoutmaster again stated.
>In the Pink/Blackbird.....
> "Who the hell cares if some stupid ass troup leader bit it?"
>Logan growled angered at the stupid mission they were embarking on.
> "Logan, who cares what we're doing as long as we get away
>from Professor Tuti-fruity!" Jean exclaimed.
> "Yes, his obsession with the color pink is muy-annoying no?"
> "Will someone please think of the children!" Storm suddenly
>shouted, "They are in great peril!"
> "How perilous is the peril?" Scott nervously asked.
> "I don't know, you're the team leader, you tell me" the
> "Oh, right, let me look that up in my handbook." Scott said
>as he whipped out his copy of the Eagle Scout Handy-Dandy
>Everything's Cool Handbook.
> The rest of the team just stared at him. Rogue gave him an
>incredulous look and fixed him with a deadly stare. " Scott, you
>know how I feel about boy scouts. I am going to give you three
>seconds to jump out of this plane, and then I am going to throw you
> Scott didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed his pink
>parachute, strapped it on and jumped out of the plane. Logan looked
>at Rogue with a mixture of lust, happiness and yeah lust. He jumped
>her and they quickly got down to doing the dirty deed, again.
> Jean simply looked back and rolled her eyes at the
>pair. "That's what, the third time they've done that on a mission?
>They need to get their priorities sorted out."
> Storm just nodded at the comment as she expertly brought the
>Pinkbird down onto the snowy field in Montana. The team untapped
>themselves from their seats and waited a little less than patiently
>for Logan and Rogue to er-finish their pre-battle warm-up and dress
>in their altered uniforms. The team stepped out of the plane and
>found themselves surrounded by miniature soldiers in tan shirts and
> "Oh shit" Logan said as the scouts advanced on the five X-
>Men. It was then that they spotted a pink spot in the sea of beige.
> "Great Scott!" The five X-Men shouted together as their
>formerly fearless leader stepped forward from the
>To be Continued.....
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