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3117FIC: Wolverine Saves the X-Men (aka Death of the Evil Fan Fiction Smut Monster) [1/1] (L/R, L/My, J/S) R

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  • My Destiny Fiction
    Jul 1, 2001
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      TITLE: Wolverine Saves the X-Men (aka Death of the Evil Fan Fiction Smut
      AUTHOR: Elektra
      EMAIL: wxfonline@...
      DISCLAIMER: All the characters in this fan fiction belong to Marvel, Fox,
      DISTRIBUTION: If you would like permission to archive this story, please
      email: wxfonline@....
      OFFICIAL WEBSITE ADDRESS: http://www.wxfonline.com
      RATING: Rated R.
      CONTENT: L/R, L/My, J/S
      SUMMARY: Movieverse. Something is preying on the minds of the X-Men and it's
      up to Logan to save the day.
      AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so this is satire. The characterizations are not meant
      to be exact. And, yes I know, it is unlikely that our villain could actually
      assume the form of a blue vibrator. Just go with it.
      DEDICATION: I'd like to dedicate this to all the fine authors who have sent
      fiction in to the Wolverine X-Fiction archive lately. You were my
      inspiration. I think you should take that as a compliment. *grins*

      Kitty was sitting in the entertainment room of the x-mansion half-heartedly
      recopying her notes from Hank McCoy's class in quantum physics when Jubilee
      came roaring into the room. The girl in trademark yellow stared at her
      roommate intently but did not say a word. Kitty was in the process of
      preparing for her graduate school entrance exams and Jubilee had been warned
      by Jean, Scott, Storm, Professor Xavier, Hank, Remy, Rogue and Bobby to
      avoid disrupting her studies at all costs.

      Kitty bit her lip in order to prevent a sly smile from appearing on her
      face. She almost giggled as Jubilee began fidgeting on one foot and then the
      other in an attempt to prevent herself from saying a word. She was obviously
      desperate to spill some new, juicy secret before her brain exploded.
      Figuring it would be easier to find more study time than it would be to
      clean Jubilee gray-matter out of the carpet, Kitty decided to put her friend
      out of her misery.

      "Okay Jubes," she said, carefully marking the place she had left off and
      closing her notebook, "spill before you hurt yourself."

      Jubilee's mouth hung open for a moment before she nonchalantly sat down in
      the chair across from Kitty.

      "I don't hafta tell you. Maybe, I'll just keep it to myself."

      Kitty snorted.

      "Not likely. Besides, if you tell me your secret, I'll tell you what I
      caught Mr. Summers and Ms. Grey doing in the kitchen this morning." Kitty
      smiled smugly.

      Jubilee pretended to consider the offer for a moment. After all, she
      couldn't look too desperate for gossip.

      "Well," she said, "I don't know. Is it good? 'Cuz what I have is really

      Kitty grinned mischievously.

      "I'll give you this much. It involves several frozen bananas, chocolate
      sauce and," Kitty dropped her voice and leaned toward Jubilee slowly,
      "whipped cream."

      "But we don't have any whipped cream," Jubilee said, unimpressed. "Bobby ate
      the last of it during our ice cream raid last night. Besides, it sounds like
      they were just making something for breakfast."

      Kitty smiled serenely.

      "I know, but Mr. Summer's went to the store this morning and bought more.
      Maybe I should also tell you that I also heard Ms. Grey say 'Oh harder, do
      it harder'."

      Jubilee squeaked and swallowed her gum.

      "Okay, Okay," she exclaimed, "I'll bite. You're sure to find out as soon as
      Rogue gets out from her team meeting anyway." Jubilee grinned derisively.
      "Logan came home last night."

      Kitty snorted. "I could have guessed that from what you said about Rogue."

      Jubilee rolled her eyes and proceeded to blow a large florescent green
      bubble with her gum.

      "That's not the important part, silly. The important part is that he didn't
      come home alone."

      "Oh man," Kitty groaned, "haven't we heard this fan fic before? Her name is
      Dixie or Billy or Bimbette and she's a redheaded stripper that he picked up
      in some horn-n-hoof dive in Canada, right?"

      Jubilee glared at her roommate. The two girls had made a pact not to
      publicly discuss the fan fiction they had found on the internet. It had been
      hard for Jubilee to keep it under her hat; however, she had found
      considerable incentive when Kitty reminded her what Rogue would do if she
      found out about the "Wolverine and Jubilee" website. The fur would fly, and
      Jubilee liked her powers right where they were thank-you-very-much.

      "Shhhhh," Jubilee said, carefully making sure that there were no other
      mutants lurking around to hear. "Quiet with anfay-ictionfay before Ms. Grey,
      Mr. Summers or the Professor hear you. They'll probably start monitoring our
      internet access and then we won't be able to read any of the really good

      "You mean all those stories with you and Wolvie knocking books?" Kitty asked

      Jubilee blushed.

      "No, actually, I was thinking more along the lines of that one where you
      reveal that you want to lose your virginity to both Mr. Summers and Wolvie,"
      Jubilee shot back. "Besides, I never said Wolvie brought a woman back with

      Kitty looked sick.

      "You mean he brought a guy home," Kitty exclaimed. "He really is gay like
      those stories said? I never would have thought- Oh, Rogue must be crushed.
      We shou-"

      "No, he's not gay," Jubilee said exasperatedly.

      "Well, if he didn't bring a woman home with him and he's not gay, then what
      is he? Asexual?"

      Jubilee grimaced.

      "Kitty, you are sooo disgusting. I can't believe you-" Jubilee's voice
      dropped off and her eyes glazed over as she looked at some distant object
      Kitty could not identify.

      Kitty waved her hand in front of Jubilee's face and was just beginning to
      get a little worried about her when Jubilee shook herself free of whatever
      had been holding her.

      "Sorry," she said with an impish grin and a wiggle of her eyebrows, "I was
      just imagining Wolvie reproducing asexually."

      "Oh," Kitty shrieked, firing several pillows at her roommate, "that's

      "You're just jealous you didn't think of it first."

      * * * * *

      Jean and Scott were walking past the entertainment room when they heard
      Kitty and Jubilee scuffling around.

      "Should we go in there and tell them to take it to the Danger Room," Scott
      asked, prepared to head into the fray and cut through any nonsense that
      might be going on.

      Jean reached out with her mind and touched lightly on both of the girl's
      psyches. She allowed the contact to exist only long enough to determine that
      both of the girls were amused. Her lip curled into a wry grin as she
      gathered the gist of their conversation. Logan asexually reproducing,
      indeed! That would be the day.

      In an effort to maintain the brief semblance of peace that had developed
      between Scott and Logan, she pushed her better half further down the
      hallway. The last thing she needed was for him to recognize or acknowledge
      the fact that the gruff, brooding Canadian was a potently magnetic draw for
      young, teenaged girls. Or, for any living, breathing woman, for that matter.

      "I don't think they need us butting in," she said.

      Scott looked at Jean doubtfully.

      "But that's what *we* do," he said, gesturing back and forth between them.

      "Not on days when Kitty catches us going at it in the kitchen. Together we
      have the combined credibility rating of Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon," she
      said, letting just enough acid into her voice to prove to him that she meant

      "Well, if you recall correctly, I'm not the one who said we had to use the
      counter because the bananas would thaw before we got back to our room."

      Jean blushed. That was true enough. Her little frozen fruit fetish had
      contributed significantly to their behavior in the kitchen that morning. She
      made a mental note to have Scott install a small refrigerator/freezer in
      their bedroom.

      "That's not the point, Scott," she said. "What I'm trying to say is that
      neither of us really has a leg to stand on if we go in there spouting rules
      and regulations."

      "Well, it sounded like you were blaming it on me," Scott said petulantly.
      His lower lip protruded ever so slightly above his upper as he began to

      Jean shook her head.

      "Well," she said in a cajoling tone of voice, "if you promise to be a good
      boy during our meeting with the Professor and Logan, I'll ignore it if you
      sign on to the X-Men fan fiction forum when we get back to our room. I'll
      even take the child safety setting off so you can access anything you want."

      "Anything?" Scott asked, his eyes temporarily crossing. He couldn't believe
      his luck. He had permission to not only read x-fiction, but any kind of
      x-fiction! His long hours of staring blankly at the computer screen were
      good preparation for his role as leader of the X-Men, he thought. If he
      could maintain a straight face while reading his way through a three-way
      with Storm and Jean, he could do anything.

      Jean thought quickly as she watched little drops of drool form at the
      corners of Scott's mouth. If he was distracted by the fiction, maybe he
      wouldn't notice if she strolled around the (un)Frozen archives. A man with
      instant freezing abilities could make for a lot of frozen bananas -- and
      other things.

      They looked at each other.

      "It's a deal," they said in unison and began hurrying in a dignified manner
      down the hall. As they walked, Scott thought about how blissfully in harmony
      they were. The two were obviously meant for each other, and Mr.
      "dick-of-steel" would just have to find some other mutant for his all-night

      Jean was busy wondering how she could get her -- hands -- yeah, that's it,
      on more frozen bananas. Hey, don't blame the messenger, it's not my fault
      they've got filthy minds. Oh wait, it is. . . nevermind, let's just get on
      with the story, shall we?

      * * * * *

      When Scott and Jean walked in to the Professor's office, the first thing
      they saw was Logan lounging on a leather sofa with no shirt on. Rogue was
      sitting beside him; well, to be honest, it was more like half on top of him,
      but you get the picture.

      Jean rolled her eyes. Behaving like that, and in public! To make matters
      worse, she was a former student and she didn't even have red hair! She
      pouted. There was always more Rogue-n-Logan centric fiction out there than
      Jean-n-Logan. It just wasn't fair. Didn't these fan fiction writer people
      understand unrequited love?

      Jean's thoughts were interrupted by the slow, honeyed drawl of Rogue's

      "Logan, did Ah mention that the Professor has helped me to control mah

      The young woman began running her hands across Logan's bare chest.

      Logan looked uncomfortably at his "no-longer-of-jailbait-age" protégé.

      "Yeah," he said, "I think you managed to mention that a few dozen times in
      the last hour."

      Rogue smiled at him brightly. The fiction said the first step to getting
      Logan's attention was to find a way around her powers. She'd managed to do
      that. Next, she was supposed to call attention to her overly-developed
      feminine charms. She couldn't remember her breasts being quiet as big before
      she started reading fan fiction. She was almost popping out of her miracle
      bra. But, she figured it might be a side-effect of the stories. And, since
      the fiction said that Logan was sure to like it, she wasn't terribly
      worried. Anyway, she thought, it'd probably work out in the long run.

      "Logan," she asked in her best sultry drawl, "do you want these back?"

      She slowly pulled at the chain of the dogtags. When they didn't immediately
      appear, she kept tugging. Gee, she thought, maybe this is a little too much

      Logan stared at the woman who was frantically jerking at the chain that was
      clasped between her mountainous breasts. He had no idea who had convinced
      her to get a boob job, but it really was a turn-off. Hell, even if he could
      touch her, he'd never get closer than those two enormous ridges of flesh.

      Rogue continued yanking at the chain, ignoring the ugly red welts that were
      beginning to appear on her flesh.

      "I could help you with that," Scott said a bit too eagerly. When everyone in
      the room turned to stare at him, he follow the statement with a weak, "team
      leader, just trying to help."

      Logan grunted as he stared a hole through Scott that even a guy named
      Cyclops would be proud of.

      "It looks like the Professor was right," Logan said as he stood and walked
      to the window. The three other X-Men admired the view of his muscular ass in
      tight black jeans as he walked. Standing in a beam of sunlight that caused
      the hair on his chest to glisten against his flesh, Logan was briefly dazed
      by the expressions on his teammates'--all his teammates--faces.

      Chuck was right. He was some kind of sexual god in this fan fiction world.
      Logan smirked as he took in Scott's growing erection. He filed that
      particular tidbit away for use on a day when insult material was running
      particularly low.

      "Logan, did I mention that you can touch me now?" Rogue asked, still pulling
      away at the chain between her breasts.

      Logan sighed. As much fun as it would be gathering material on these people,
      this threat to the team needed to be stopped.

      "Yes, Marie, I believe you mentioned it."

      He smiled at her patiently so she wouldn't begin to pout.

      "Okay, so I guess I should begin by telling you where I've been for the last
      six months."

      Jean shrugged.

      "If you really think you have to," she said. "We all know you've either been
      hunting for a shred of your past, captured and tortured by Magneto,
      Mystique, Sabretooth or a combination of the three, running away from your
      relationships with me and Rogue, or fighting on the Cage circuit in Canada.
      Or, maybe a combination of a bunch of those things."

      Logan frowned. Fan fiction had made him this predictable; he felt sick.
      Predictability was the least damn thing he was going to stand for.

      Scott decided to chime in so Jean wouldn't forget him in the face of Logan's
      rather potent sexual charisma.

      "Shouldn't we be waiting for the Professor?"

      Logan looked at Scott and cocked an eyebrow. He ignored the sighs this
      movement drew from both Jean and Rogue. Women were turned on by the weirdest

      "Don't you think you should tone down the Xavier-envy just a little? People
      are going to start saying that your relationship with Jean is just a cover."

      "I've never thought about Charles in that way," Scott exclaimed.

      Jean looked at him.

      "Well, it's true! It was that awful fan fiction writer who did that."

      Scott gasped and covered his mouth with both of his hands. Oh great, now
      he'd done it. The cat was out of the bag. Scott looked at Jean with a
      hesitant smile. She said nothing, choosing to silently glare at him. She's
      going to punish me, Scott thought, his cock twitching in eager anticipation.

      Logan silently calculated the amount of time that he had left before Scott
      and Jean started rolling around on the floor and decided that he'd better
      get a move on.

      "Anyway," he said loudly in an attempt to regain their attention, "Chuck's a
      little busy right now, so he asked me to handle this for him. I've been gone
      the last few months because I've been on a secret mission for the

      Scott, Jean and Rogue looked dismayed. This wasn't how it was supposed to
      go. The fan fiction writers said so!

      "He sent me on this mission because he knew I was the only team member who
      didn't bother with all that internet crap. So, he knew I would safely bring
      the culprit in."

      "The culprit?" Jean asked, a touch of fear in her voice. Surely he couldn't
      mean . . .

      "Yup," he said, "I brought in the person responsible for all this fan
      fiction freakishness."

      "Oh Logan," Rogue cried, "how could you! She's probably some stripper from a
      bar in Canada. Ah bet mah boobs are bigger!" As she spoke, Rogue thrust her
      hand down into her cleavage in a desperate attempt to find his dogtags. If
      he only saw them, he was sure to remember that he had made a lifelong
      commitment to her. And, Rogue figured, quite astutely, that it was as close
      as any woman was going to get to receiving an engagement ring from the

      Scott and Jean stared at the arm that had disappeared between Rogue's

      "If you perverts are about ready," Logan said, "I'd like to get on with

      Jean and Scott looked at Logan sheepishly and Rogue stopped fishing for the
      metallic object long enough to listen to what Logan had to say.

      "So, like I said, Xavier sent me off to find the source of all this fan
      fiction. It took awhile. I tell you these writers live all over the place.
      Anyway, I got a hot tip from an informant of mine in Vegas, which eventually
      led me back to someone we're all a little familiar with.

      Logan walked to the door to go retrieve his special package.

      "No sex while I'm gone," he admonished.

      "Oh sure," Scott grumbled, "you can have a threesome with them, but I

      * * * * *

      When Logan returned to the room with his "package" five minutes later, Scott
      had a smug grin on his face and Jean's pants were on--backwards. As far as
      Logan could tell, Marie seemed completely unaffected by this because she was
      still fishing between the twin peaks of Everest that she called breasts.

      "Marie," he said cajolingly, "you really don't have to find those for me.
      They're fine right where they are."

      Rogue shook her head.

      "No, the fan fiction says you have to see 'em or Ah won't get any action."

      Logan gave up the fight. She was obviously too far gone to be reasoned with.
      He'd just have to hope that she returned to normal after he killed the
      source of all the wretched fan fiction that was causing the team to go to
      hell. How were they supposed to stop Magneto if Rogue constantly had her
      hands all over him or herself. And, Scott and Jean were so busy fucking like
      monkeys that they were completely worthless.

      "Anyway, this is the root of all your fan fiction," he said, showing them
      what looked like a rather pricey blue vibrator.

      Scott laughed.

      "Good one, Logan. That high-powered sniffer of yours tracked down a
      vibrator. Was it a difficult capture? Must have been one hell of a fight."

      The X-Men's team leader clutched at his sides as he continued to quake with
      laughter. Somehow, Jean managed to stifle her own amusement, sure that
      pissing Logan off was *not* the best way to find a place in his bed.

      Logan ignored Scott's laughter and Marie's pleading looks at the vibrator.
      These people really were sick.

      "Come on, Blue," he said, "you might as well come on out. You've reached the
      end of the road. There's no way you're getting out of here in one piece."

      Slowly, the shape of the blue vibration device began to change. Scott, Jean
      and Marie were stunned when little yellow eyes appeared along with red
      shining lips and startlingly white teeth. Mystique evidently took breaks
      from world domination long enough to maintain good dental hygiene.

      "Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised," Jean whined, "everyone knows
      Mystique is a slut."

      Logan watched Jean fidget with the seam of her backwards pants and somehow
      managed to find the self-control to contain the "said the pot of the kettle"
      that was itching to burst from his lips. Instead, he turned to Mystique, who
      had finally assumed her true form. His eyes skirted over her body. Now this
      was how a woman should be--completely unafraid of her sexuality and the body
      that nature had given her.

      "What I don't understand," he said, "is why you let me capture you so
      easily. You went to all that trouble to fuck with the team, and, in the end,
      you hide in a shape with no obvious defensive features. You had to know I'd
      sniff you out."

      Mystique said nothing. Instead, her lips spread in the hypnotically erotic
      smile she was well known for.

      "Oh my god, of course," Scott exclaimed, suddenly seeming to reacquire the
      mental acumen that had helped him earn his place as the leader of the X-Men.
      "Don't you see, she wanted to get captured. This entire exercise has been
      about her getting captured by you!"

      Logan looked at Scott doubtfully. His visor had to be on too tight.

      "No really," Scott said, "just listen to me for a minute. So, it's well
      documented that Mystique likes sex. And, if any of the stories about her are
      true, which I'm assuming they are, she likes really twisted, freakish sex."

      "I see where you're going with this," Jean said. "So, Magneto sends her to
      the school to check out Rogue and disable the Professor. In the process, she
      runs into Logan. She follows him around, maybe even talks to him in the
      guise of me."

      "Thinking he's talking to me, and hoping to piss you off, Scott, he probably
      flirted with her. That got her attention enough that when we showed up on
      Liberty Island, she assumed his form, which guaranteed that he'd end up
      fighting with her."

      "They fight; and, being the twisted individual that she is, it probably
      turned her on. Now, she's got a problem. She wants him, but he hates her;
      and, even worse, he can smell her, so she can't try any of her *usual*

      No one bothered to ask how Jean knew about Mystique's "usual tricks". Most
      of them had already read the fan fiction.

      "So," Scott said, picking up the story where Jean left off, "in order to get
      your attention-"

      "And, probably to get her rocks off," Rogue chimed in.

      "She starts this fan fiction phenomenon on the internet," Scott said.

      "Magneto was probably in on it too," Jean said, "if you consider all the
      stories on there about him. And, he probably encouraged her to get other
      people writing about all of us, so no one would be the wiser."

      "I should have figured out that something was up when *Logan* became the
      sexual stud of the outfit," Scott said. None of the mutants in the room
      needed to see below his visor in order to know that he'd just rolled his

      "Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing," Logan said. "What the hell is she
      going to get out of it besides the sharp end of my claws?"

      "Punish," Mystique purred.

      "Hey," Rogue exclaimed, rising from the couch, "who said Ah was goin' ta let
      you near mah man, sister!"

      Logan rolled his eyes. Just what he needed, a cat-fight.

      "Are they going to remember any of this when this is all over?" Logan asked.

      Mystique shrugged.

      Logan considered for a moment. He could let Marie have at her, but the
      eventual outcome would be iffy. Scott and Jean were on the floor,
      apparently--celebrating--the amazing intellectual bond that had allowed them
      to figure out Mystique's plan. So, they were of no help.

      "Fuck it," he said, throwing Mystique over his shoulder. "You stay here," he
      said, pointing to Rogue. "I want you right there when I get back. Just,
      cover your eyes or something to avoid looking at that," he said, gesturing
      toward the gyrating bodies of Scott and Jean.

      ~~~ Hours Later ~~~

      Rogue sat on the couch, half-heartedly picking at the chain between her
      breasts. She was still unable to find Logan's dogtags in the cleft of her
      cleavage. But, at least it was better than looking at the goofy expressions
      on Jean and Scott's faces. They had obviously had a lot of fun. She made a
      mental note to tell the Professor that she wasn't responsible for the large
      stain on his oriental rug.

      She fidgeted on the cushion and wondered, for the billionth time, what Logan
      was doing with Mystique. Rogue sighed. She could only imagine because he'd
      never taken the time to do anything like that with her. A tear threatened to
      roll down her cheek, but she refused to let it fall. She wouldn't cry over
      him. She wouldn't. It was exactly what she did in all the fan fiction

      ~~~ Hours Later ~~~

      Jubilee poked her head into Professor Xavier's office.

      "Don't you guys want to come down for dinner? Remy and Hank are making some
      kick-ass Cajun food. Crawfish. Gumbo. All that stuff."

      Rogue, Scott and Jean looked at her.

      "Sorry," Jean said, "we're waiting for Logan to come back so we can finish
      our meeting."

      Jubilee shrugged and ran off down to the kitchen to snag more food before it
      all vanished.

      ~~~ Hours Later ~~~

      Jean and Scott were *still* playing strip tic-tac-toe on Xavier's desk.
      Rogue sighed and continued to avert her gaze. Watching your co-workers do
      the nasty on the big boss's desk was just a little disconcerting.

      Rogue pressed her hand against the side of her breast, it sure was feeling

      ~~~ Hours Later ~~~

      Rogue looked down at her chest. Unless she was seeing things, both of her
      breasts seemed to have returned to their normal size. She yanked at the
      chain of the dogtags and the shiny metal rectangle immediately appeared in
      the palm of her hand. She inspected the tags carefully. They looked none the
      worse for wear despite the extreme pressure that had been applied to them

      Rogue looked over at Scott and Jean, who stood in front of the large picture

      "Oh yeah, Scott. Give it to momma. Right there."

      She sighed. Well, at least one thing was back to normal.

      ~~~ Hours Later ~~~

      The door to the office swung open and Logan strolled in. His arms, chest and
      back were covered in a fine mesh of scratches that were already beginning to
      heal. Mystique had obviously had one hell of a time.

      Logan took in the scene. Jean and Scott had finally succumbed to exhaustion
      and lay in a pile of naked flesh on the floor. He figured he should wake
      them up, but why bother. The Professor was sure to come stumbling in on them
      at some point. What he wouldn't give to be sitting here when he did.

      "Well," he said to the woman sitting patiently on the couch, "the old girl
      finally gave up the ghost."

      Rogue stared at him, her chin nearly resting on her chest.

      "You mean to tell me you fucked her?" she asked.

      He nodded.

      "To death?"

      He nodded again.

      "What can I say, darlin'," he said. "Not *everything* was a work of

      He grinned.

      "Besides, I *am* the best at what I do."

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