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1191FF "Sunset: Remembering" (1/1) PG-13 [Rogue]

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  • Elizabeth Wilde
    Nov 2, 2000
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      Author: Elizabeth Wilde
      Title: Sunset: Remembering
      Series: Phases: Time of Day
      Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks
      me for it,
      http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]
      Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men or the song �Daddy
      Said� by Nanci Griffith. No copyright infringement is
      intended, so don�t sue!
      'Ship: none technically, hints of Logan/Rogue
      Classification: angst
      Summary: Rogue thinks about how things have changed at
      the mansion since Logan left.
      Rating: PG-13
      Spoilers: none
      Feedback: Please, yes! to wilde_moon@...
      Notes: The graphic for this story can be seen at
      http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/sunset.html

      Now I dream of a lover that I don't know
      It's safer this way 'cause I don't have to go
      And he won't come so nobody goes away
      Sometimes I wish for the warmth of his hand
      Take a look at these eyes and understand
      I'm just a little too old to be learning the rules of
      the game.

      I'm twenty-two years old, and sometimes I feel like
      I'm a hundred. I look into the mirror and look into
      my own eyes and don't even recognize myself about half
      the time. The woman in the mirror scared me when I
      was younger, back when I still cried myself to sleep
      every night because Logan had left me. Back then, the
      old woman didn't feel like a part of me. Now she is.
      I am.

      I make a lot of people uneasy anymore. After we
      graduated, Jubilee and I drifted apart almost at once.
      She's a happy person, and most of the time I'm a
      pretty dark person. Most of the pulling away was on
      my side. I didn't want me to rub off on her. She
      deserves her smiles. Kitty and I still talk some. We
      don't have light conversations, though, don't wave and
      smile when we pass in the hall. Just every now and
      then, we seek each other out and bare our souls like
      it's the last chance we have. It feels good.

      I think Bobby held out hope for quite a bit that he'd
      be able to wear me down, convince me to go out with
      him. I never had to tell him why I said no. Robert
      Drake may be just a guy, but damned if he doesn't know
      me better than just about anyone I've ever known even
      when I do keep him in the dark. He'd ask me, I'd say
      no, he'd smile, and we'd go on just like nothing had
      happened. It was part of the routine. He doesn't ask
      anymore. I think that hurt me at first, but now I'm
      glad. I don't like the way it used to hurt him even
      when he pretended it didn't.

      Bobby knows me well enough to know I love Logan.
      Alright, I love the Logan who lives up in my head.
      He's always there. He never runs away from me. It's
      easier loving him that it is loving Wolverine. My
      Logan loves me back. He has dirty little fantasies
      reserved just for me, not Jean.

      I'm a member of the X-Men now, and so are Bobby and
      Kitty and Jubilee. We save the world on a regular
      basis, and still my life seems like it's missing
      something. Scott tells me I'm a "valuable team
      member" often enough that it's starting to tick me
      off. Or maybe that's Wolverine talking. I can't be
      sure sometimes. My thoughts, my actions, they aren't
      always me. It certainly wasn't me who used to stare
      at Xavier like he was Logan shirtless everytime he
      wheeled into a room. That's an annoying little habit
      that I'm glad seems to have gone away. Erik was not a
      fun person to live with. But being a member of the
      X-Men is good. I'm helping. I'm using those powers I
      stole to help people. It doesn't help much with the
      guilt, with the knowing that poor woman's going to be
      in a coma for the rest of her life because of me. But
      it helps some.

      Jean tries to get me to confide in her sometimes. I
      used to leer at her and say she just wanted to get in
      my head again before remembering that she never had
      been in my head. Just Wolverine's. Now I tell her
      that I'm fine and I don't need her help. Which still
      sounds a bit more like Logan than me. I actually do
      talk to Ororo sometimes, mostly because she doesn't
      try to get me to. She's quiet but she's strong. She
      won't take anything from anybody, and all that calm
      goes straight to Hell if somebody ticks her off. I've
      gotta admire that. Or maybe Wolverine does. Anyway,
      some part of me does.

      I've got people all around me wanting to help me and
      talk to me and make me feel normal again. It's sweet,
      really. I appreciate it. But it won't work. I'm
      Rogue, the mutant life-force vacuum, and I'm not ever
      going to be normal.

      The only time I come close is in my dreams and in my
      head. That's where Logan lives too. In my head, he
      loves me and wants me and needs me the way I need him.
      So I don't need Bobby or Remy or anybody else. I
      have Logan.

      THE END

      =====
      Catch Your Breath [my index site] ~ http://www.catchyourbreath.net

      "We've always been ready for female superheroes because women want to be them and men want to do them." -Famke Janssen

      "Rogue, please. I like you. Don't make me stab you to death with a plastic hanger." ~from Dyce's fic 'The Godless Among Them'

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