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Raw Recap

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  • Freeze
    y James Guttman Aug 1, 2006, 02:09 Triple H and Vince McMahon enter “Silly Billy’s Preschool,” a play gym style preschool for children ages 3-4. They
    Message 1 of 5 , Aug 1, 2006
      y James Guttman
      Aug 1, 2006, 02:09
       
      Smiles For Miles
      Triple H and Vince McMahon enter “Silly Billy’s Preschool,” a play gym style preschool for children ages 3-4. They walk up to the counter and are greeted.
       
      Miss Jeanie: Good morning and welcome to Silly Billy’s Preschool. Is there something I can help you with?
       
      Vince McMahon: Yes. Yes, you can. My name is Vince and this is Hunter. You may recognize us from the TV program WWE Raw.
       
      Miss Jeanie: (puzzled) Is that some sort of cooking show?
       
      Triple H: Wha…? No, Jag-Off, it’s a wrestling show. I’m Triple H.
       
      Miss Jeanie: Oh…you mean WWF. My dad used to watch that stuff. Oooo. Do you know the Rock?
       
      Hunter: (underneath his breath)  I know the Rock sucks. That’s what I know about the Rock…jag-off.
       
      Vince: Anyway, I’m here to sign my granddaughter up for Shitty Billy’s Preschool.
       
      Miss Jeanie: OK, well, first it’s called “Silly” Billy’s Preschool. Secondly, we don’t like to sign up new students unless their parents are present.
       
      Hunter: (Jumping Up and Down) The father? I don’t know who the father is, but I bet he’s hung like a horse!
       
      Miss Jeanie: What?
       
      Vince: That’s just a little joke we have. The people love it. Anyway, my daughter wrote you a note, explaining the whole thing.
       
      Vince hands Jeanie a crumpled note. She reads it out loud.
       
      Miss Jeanie: “Dear Shitty Billy Teacher. Pumpkin pie in the pooper shooter makes much pirate ship. Gonads applesauce, swallow peter pan. Love - Stephanie McMahon.”
       
      Confused, Jeanie looks up at Hunter and Vince.
       
      Miss Jeanie: What?! What the hell was that? Sir, what your daughter wrote made no sense whatsoever!
       
      Hunter: We know. That’s been a problem we’ve had for the last few years.
       
      Vince: Look, the gist is that Hunter here is her father.
       
      Hunter: Yeah. I’m the baby daddy. I hit that.
       
      Vince: We just need to sign her up for your preschool.
       
      Miss Jeanie: Fine. How old is she?
       
      Vince: Seven days.
      Miss Jeanie: OK. Seven…did you say seven days? Our school is for children over the age of 3.
       
      Hunter: Oh that’s no problem. She’s above the other kids. Todd Grisham put her over on Raw.
       
      Miss Jeanie: Put her over what?
       
      Vince: It’s an insider term. It means we talked about her on Raw. She’s had her name mentioned on TV.
       
      Miss Jeanie: I’m still not understanding what you’re saying to me.
       
      Hunter: We’re saying that…Argh! Forget it. We’ll just come back when someone else is working the desk.
       
      Miss Jeanie: That would be terrific. I’d really appreciate that.
       
      Vince: Do you mind if we look around?
       
      Miss Jeanie: Something tells me you’re going to do it anyway. Just be quiet. We have a class going on. Say hello to the Rock for me.
       
      Time to Play the Game
       
      Jeanie runs into a backroom while Hunter and Vince enter the play gym.
       
      Hunter: (in a high-pitched voice) Hey everybody! It’s Triple H! Where? There! Look…and Vince McMahon!
       
      Everyone stops and looks over at Hunter and Vince. Mr. McMahon is doing his trademark strut.
       
      Little Boy: Mommy. Why does that man walk like he’s in a parade?
       
      Vince: Hello! Hello! Ah ha! It’s me, kids! Mr. MAC-MAN!
       
      A little girl walks up to Vince and tugs on his suit.
       
      Little Girl: Excooth me, Mr. Pac Man?
       
      Vince: Mac Man.
       
      Little Girl: I wike Animawl Kwackers.
       
      Vince: That’s great.
       
      Triple H is off on the other side of the gym.  He's standing next to a teacher with a bubble wand and a bottle.
       
      Teacher: Gather ‘round, kids! It’s time to blow bubbles.
       
      Hunter: Who’s Bubbles? He the owner or something?
       
      Teacher: (disgusted) Uh, no. It’s bubbles. As in soap and water.
       
      The teacher blows into the wand and bubbles fly at the clapping children.
       
      Hunter: Hey Vince, check this out. It’s like a water soup and it makes these flying clear things that look like testicles.
       
      Vince: That’s pretty cool. We could use that for something.
       
      Hunter: Yo, let me try that.
       
      Hunter grabs the bubble mix, chugs it, and then spits it at all the children.
       
      Children: Nooo! Ahhhhh!
       
      Everyone cries.
       
      Patooey!
       
      Teacher: Oh my goodness! Now that’s it! Get away from this class. Go stand by the ballpit.
       
      Vince: You have something called a ballpit? Oh my God.
       
      Hunter: (laughing) Ball pit! Ha ha ha! We could have Cena say that Lita has a “ball pit!” Ha ha ha!
       
      Vince: This place is like creative heaven. I never thought our best material would come from a preschool.
       
      Little Boy: Excoose me.
       
      Hunter: Yeah?
       
      Little Boy: You look like you made pee-pee on your head! Heee-hee.
       
      Vince: (laughing) Oh my God. That’s genius.
       
      Little Girl: And you look like you eat stinky doodies! Theee-heee!
       
      Hunter: (laughing) Yowsers! I should be writing this down!
       
      Children: (singing) Poopies! Poopies!
       
      Vince: (dancing) This is amazing. Hunter - grab that tambourine and get everyone’s attention.
       
      Hunter: Hear ye. Hear ye. The Chairman is about to speak.
       
      Vince: I have an announcement. You’re all hired. Every little snotty one of you.
       
      Everyone cheers.
       
      Vince: So let’s all go write Raw. Then…we can have Pizza!
       
      Everyone cheers again. Hunter leads them from the gym while tapping the tambourine and singing.
       
      Hunter: (singing) The wheels on the bus go lick-my-balls. Lick-my-balls. Lick-my-balls. The wheels on the bus go lick-my-balls. All through the cocks…
       
      Uh oh!
       

      Ah to be young.  Bubbles, tambourines, poopie, and animal crackers - the choice of a new generation.  Speaking of new generation, what will be the plans for Umaga now that Shawn Michaels has been rejoined by his bubble-blowing partner Triple H?  Has the young Princess Hogan met her knight in hazing armor, Randy Orton, or will her Daddy put the big boot on this love affair?  Will Johnny Nitro continue his Intercontinental Title reign or suffer a stunning defeat at the hands of either Carlito or Shelton Benjamin?  Has the war of words between "Washed Up Piece of Garbage" Ric Flair and "Fat Boy" Mick Foley reached the boiling point?  Can the former WWE Champion John Cena make another miracle run at Edge's gold?  Of course, the most important question - You always drive without a shirt on?  Well, best pull over, sing the wheels on the bus, and put some clothes on.  It's Monday Night and we're about to get all sorts of Raw up in this mutha!
       
      Raw Theme Plays. “Hey man, do you see the change in me?” No. I refuse to.
       
      17,401 Monday Night Raw fans are literally jam-packed to the rafters here tonight. The electricity is so thick you could cut it with a knife and justifiably so. It’s The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels facing off against the Samoan Bulldozer Umaga. Then from there, we get the debut of the newest hit reality show on television - Orton Knows Best. Jim Ross and his hetero-live mate Jerry Lawler are prepared for War. Raw is War, that is. Hyahh!
       
      Hey. When you cue Mr. McMahon, make sure to congratulate him on the birth of his granddaughter. Her name is Aurora.
       
      Aurora? Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
       
      What?
       
      Oh no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. It's a regional dialect. Oh not in Utica, no, it's an Albany _expression.
       
      Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?
       
      The Simpsons, man. You never saw that episode?
       
      Will you just go tell Mr. McMahon that’s he on now?
       
      Fine. Eat my shorts.
       
      First one out the gate tonight is Uncle Shane McMahon and grand pappy Vince. Big Mac and the Boy take the ring and Vinnie gets the mic first. He reminds us once again that his daughter had a baby girl last week. So, understandably, you can’t wipe the smile off of his face. Vinnie gets briefly cut off by a kayfabed audio glitch and then continues on. You see, Granddaughter Aurora is already richer than anyone else in the arena here tonight. Shane-o chimes in with “…and far more intelligent.” The McMahons have been killing homeless people celebrating since last Monday and the celebration will continue all the way through Summerslam. Ya’ll know Summerslam, don’t cha? It’s the biggest party of the Summer! (JG Note: He’s right. Totally A-List. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are always fighting over who gets to have their toes sucked on by Gene Snitsky.) So Daddy Mac and Uncle Mac are going to dedicate their match at SlumberSlam to Stephanie’s baby. Who are they fighting? DeGeneration X, of course.
       
      Are you ready?
       
      Nope. Apparently we’re not ready. The music stops after the opening line and leaves both Little Mac and Jack LaLane confused. Shane writes off the “glitches” as typical DX mind games. Eff all that noise, though. The real question is, “Can Shawn Michaels survive the undefeated Samoan Bulldozer Umaga?”
       
      Yo. Play the next few bars of the DX song.
       
      You mean the part where he goes, “This is what will happen to you - You'd be biting off a hump bit and chew - bit and chew bit and chew - You'd be biting off a hump bit and chew - That’s what’ll happen to you?”
       
      Dude, that’s “Don’t Go Messing With a Country Boy.”
       
      OK. So I don’t get what you’re saying. What, like Hillbilly Jim’s coming back now?
       
      Huh? No! Play the DX song!
       
      Again there’s a short bit of the Degeneration song. Just as the chairman starts to talk through it, it kicks in. Woovy-Bezerk style.
       
      Break it Down!
       
      Here comes DX! Triple H has his t-shirt tucked in his jeans, which at first might be considered a fashion faux pas. However, when you consider that he’s standing beside Shawn Michaels, who is wearing his DX shirt along with a pair of black leather chaps, his sense of style doesn’t seem all that bad. Chap Boy is the first one to speak. He congratulates the McFamily on the birth of their new arrival. Shawn gives them a “mazel tov” and Hunter gives a “lekhaim.” Salute, fellas. There’s a ton to celebrate tonight. Not only is there a new baby. But now there’s a Summerslam match for DeGeneration X. Sweet deal, Buster Brown. Now, allow Shawny to bring us back to the subject at hand:
       
      “But I don’t want to put the cart before the horse. Let’s talk about the newest addition to the McMahon family, shall we. It is my understanding that one Triple H was in that very same hospital room just last week. It is also my understanding that one Triple H has acquired the entire McMahon Family scrap book.”
      - Shawn Michaels, 9:09pm
       
      At this point, Triple H begins to introduce a series of Photoshopped photos meant to mock the McMahon Family. (JG Note: How disrespectful! What type of jerk would do that?) It all culminates with the first photo of Vince’s granddaughter. When the mystery pic is finally shown, it’s a baby’s body with Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s head edited on. Perplexed, Michaels looks and says “She reminds me of somebody, but I can’t put my finger on it.” Bada boom ching.
       
      After the World Wrestling Insanity Slideshow ends, Shane-o Insane-o tells his aggressors that they are the ones who are the babies. That’s right. Come Summerslam, it’ll be Little Mac and his Poppa Bear changing your diapers.
       
      This elicits laughter from DeGeneration X. Ha-ha-ha. You said you’d change DX’s diapers! (JG Note: Gold. Silly Billy’s students knew that one would hit it big with the audience. Good debut segment, kids.) We get a final “Suck It” and then, after some miscommunication with the production truck, Hunter and Shawn get their theme music played to close out the segment. Nothing great. We got a Summerslam announcement and some tongue-in-cheek allusions to Aurora being the daughter of Hunter. Oh. We also got those photoshopped photos. I’m glad the McMahons enjoy those things so much. Here, Mr. Pac-Man. I made this one for you. Hang it on the fridge.
       
      I must break you.
       
      Next: Johnny Nitro vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito Cool. Jim Ross calls it - get this - “the never ending story for the Intercontinental Championship.” Well, that certainly makes it sound like a barrel of fun.
       
      Commercial Break. The commercial for “The Descent” says “from the studio that brought you Saw and Hostel.” No mention of See No Evil? Wonder why.
       
      Later tonight, another Diva is getting the biznoot from the Diva Search. Jerry Lawler calls it the “worst part of the show.” Between this and the “never-ending story” comment, this has been the most honest edition of Raw in a long time.
       
      Mike the Mizerable introduces a new segment. For no reason whatsoever, the Diva Search hopefuls will tell you who they think should be voted out. Does it have any baring on the contest? No. But it kills time. What else are we gonna use the time for? Wrestling?
       
      Jen of The Diva Search chooses J. T. She thinks that J.T. isn’t original and a WWE diva should have their own character. I wonder if Jens referring to when she calls herself “Good Ol’ JT,“ wears a black cowboy hat and smokes cigarettes. That must be it.
       
      1) Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro defeated Carlito and Shelton Benjamin after pinning Carlito
       
      This match starts off with some thank yous from WWE to TSN in Canada. Starting next week, the show moves to the Score, so check your local cable listings. What? Why wouldn’t Canada get the USA Net…oh. Never mind. So it’s the next chapter in the Never Ending Story and the match, as usual, is pretty good. All three got their digs in, but in the end, none of that mattered. It was Melina, who ran interference and thwarted Shelton Benjamin’s pinfall attempt. Benji confronted her and Carlito attacked him from behind. Then, behind him, Nitro sprinted in and knocked both his opponents into each other. Carly stumbled back and John Boy retained his shiny gold belt.
       
      Layla of The Diva Search chooses Milena. Her reason: “She can talk the talk, but when the time comes she can’t walk the walk.” Sure. Whatever you say. It was only a 20 second segment, so I’m not going to think to hard about it.
       
      Still to come:  John Cena vs. Matt Striker.
       
      Commercial Break. “Wanna get the Game going? Gatorade.” Wow. Gatorade? That’s what gets him going? I would have guessed flat irons, thongs, and bottled water.
       
      We’re back from the break and the “Hey. Nothing You Can Say” song is playing. Why? Well, because the Legend Killer Randy Orton is standing in the ring. As his name implies, young Randall is prepared to kill a legend. You see, Mr. Orton is ready to break out to the big time. He’s prepared to go Hollywood and has now accepted a role in a new reality show - Orton Knows Best. Let’s meet the cast, shall we?
       
      Out from the back comes a fake Bollea Family. There’s impersonators for each one of them except for Brian Knobbs (JG Note: It would have been hilarious if they brought out Jerry Saggs to play Knobbs' role.) The cast looks pretty good and after a prolonged family posedown, Randy opens up the floor for questioning.
      His first target - Nasty Nick. He asks Pretend Nick what he wants to be when he grows up. The Nickster replies that he wants to be a wrestler just like his dad. Orton offers this advice:
       
      “Now in order for that to happen, two things must take place. First, you’re gonna have to lose some of the hair on top of your head there. Second thing, you’re gonna have to get used to this.”
       
      With that, Cowboy Bob’s kid kicks “Nick” in the stomach and tosses him from the ring. The fake Hulk Hogan gets “upset,” but Mr. RKO chills him out a bit before turning his attention to the phony Linda. He calls her an animal lover and says it’s evident since she married a “beached walrus.” Oof. However, some good came out of it all. Fake Hulkster and Fake Mrs. Hulkster gave birth to fake Brooke. She’s a fine piece of fake ass. The fake Hulk, complete with southern accent, again confronts Orty and tells him to simmer down. He does some Hulkster parodying but is met with stunned silence. With each passing second, this segment gets less and less interesting.
       
      After the Fakester’s speech, the Real Randy gives him more than a “reality show.” He gives him a “reality check.” Come Summerslam, it’s all over for your career and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Now if you’ll step aside, Orton has some kissing to do. He’s gonna do it with your pretend daughter. Oh yeah. Open wide, baby. Randy Orton’s fixing to soil your purse, figuratively speaking of course.
       
      R.O. kisses Faux Brooke passionately and draws the ire of Phony Hoagie. He gets in Orton’s face, but ends up eating an RKO for his troubles. With the pretend Mr. America down and out on the canvas, Randall is free to flirt with his fake daughter while circling the ring. Blah. I never get why they do these skits where a heel beats up imposters of his opponents. I mean, I get that it works on a certain level, but only if the imposter is so dead-on that it seems funny. You don’t get heat by beating up people who are helping you mock your opponent.
       
      Anyway, as Ort walked around the ring, both Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross discussed the upcoming match Summerslam. Suddenly and without warning, Randy turned around and slapped Lawler across the face. It must have been a magic slap because for some reason, Jerry didn’t get up and the segment ended. I smell a new finisher. Randy Orton’s “Magical Bitch Slap.”
       
      We’re backstage in Mr. McMahon’s makeshift Raw office. He’s speaking to his son Shane when they’re interrupted by Armando Alejandro Estrada. AAE tells Daddy and Son that he and Umaga are grateful for receiving the match with Shawn Michaels tonight. Also, on behalf of the Bulldozer, Estrada wishes a heartfelt congrats on the birth of your granddaughter. To show his good will, Mando hands the McMahons each a cigar. Pleased, Daddy Mac says he was on the cover of “Cigar Aficionado.” Shane-o chimes in “Yeah, me too.” (JG Note: When he appeared on Radio Free Insanity, Vince Russo said that the Cigar Aficionado article contributed to his departure. In it, he says Vince gave Shane credit for writing Raw when it was he and Ed Ferrara doing the writing at the time. Just a tidbit I wanted to toss out there. It should also make you realize how long ago that was because back then people actually wanted credit for writing Raw. Nowadays, people don’t even want others to know they watch it.) Vinnie asks Estrada if he has any more Cuban cigars. Why, of course he does. There’s three cases in the car. Army will go get ‘em for ya. Segment closes with Vin asking his son if he has a light and having his cigar taken away. Shane-o says “You don’t smoke anymore.” Vinnie cryptically responds, “I used to.” Ironically enough, that’s exactly the same thing Rob Van Dam is going to have to start saying to people.
       
      Commercial Break. “Oh my God! Pete! What happened to your head!?” Gatorade, man. My head is huge now. I saw the commercials, bro, but I didn’t listen. I just didn’t listen.

      Welcome back. We’re in dirty Jersey, baby, and still to come is Jamala against DX’s HBK. But moments ago, we were all shocked and appalled over the shocking and appalling behavior of one Randy Orton. He shockingly slapped Jerry Lawler and appalled Jim Ross. The King gets a chance to speak on the subject and lets the brash youngster have it. Next Monday, Raw’s coming to Memphis. You know what’s gonna happen there? The King is going to extract some revenge on you. Oh yeah, kiddo. He’s gonna Rule Your Ass!
       
      Erica of The Diva Search chooses Rebecca as her choice to go home because she got a contract with another company this year.   Erica doesn’t feel like Becca would be able to give WWE 100% if she’s chosen. Basically, Erica should have just said, “I choose Rebecca because she got another contract with another company and I’m a hater.”
       
      2) Special Referee Torrie Wilson: Trish Stratus and Candice Michelle defeated Mickie James and Victoria when Trish pinned Mickie
       
      Jim Ross thinks that this match will be the most Tivoed match by “WNBA fans and Rosie O’Donell herself, not that there‘s anything wrong with that.” (JG Note: I love how ever since the Seinfeld episode people can use the term “not that there’s anything wrong with that” instead of “because he/she/you/it is super gay.” It’s like a big loophole to be Un-PC without being caught. “Hey man, you like looking at that guy’s ass? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Instead of saying, “Hey man, you like looking at that guy’s ass…because you’re a fruity-booty pillow-biter extraordinaire.” The Seinfeld version seems to cause less conflict.) This match got a pretty good reaction from the crowd and deservedly so. It was one of the better outings for all the women involved and helped to spark the seeds for Mickie-Torrie. Unfortunately, the ending was completely botched and Stratus ended up hitting a terrible looking springboard bulldog. Three seconds later, Trisha and Candice get another victory and move up the ladder in the WWE Raw Diva Division It’s not so impressive though when you realize that the ladder only has four rungs.
       
      Backstage, Mick Foley is hanging out with his friends Melina and Johnny Nitro. Mick asks Johnny if it would be cool for Mel to come out to the ring, grab the stick, and give Foley the oral excitement he deserves. That’s right. He wants her to get the crowd jumping with her words and introduce Mankind to the screaming masses. Johnny agrees. After all, he says they’re all “friends.” As his woman walks away, Nyquil tells her to “keep it sexy.”
       
      Commercial Break. The new Final Destination 3 DVD allows you to change the fates of characters in the movie by making decisions for them. It’s like Choose Your Own Adventure books, only without all that pesky reading.
       
      Milena of The Diva Search chooses Erica. She takes so much time explaining why that she almost runs out of time before she can say the name.
       
      “OK. I would like to introduce to you a good friend of mine and the one and only hardcore legend, Mick Foley!”
                
      - Melina, 9:59pm
       
      Jim Ross pays tribute to Gordon Solie and does his best impression of the Dean saying that Foley has become “a strange enigma.” (JG Note: Yeah. I can see that. Although, I always thought the best way to describe Mick was like Charles Manson with a glandular disorder.)  Foley thanks his awkward reference for her introduction and then informs the capacity crowd that he’ll be giving them exactly what they want. It’s going to be Mick Foley and Ric Flair in this very ring tonight! Yup. Right here in New Joisey! Slick Ric and Slick Mick will be joining forces in order to capture tag team gold! The audience goes quiet and Mankind knows what’s up. People are leery over a RicMick Tag Team. Well, leer not, unwashed masses. Captain Jack’ll get you by tonight. Nothing to worry about at all. You see, Dude Love and The Nature Boy have something common. Naitch took Randy Orton under his wing a few years ago and helped his career. Then, a few months ago, Cactus took Melina under his wing and helped her career. It’s the same exact thing. (Randy Orton Note: Ric and I were just friends! That’s it! Friends. We didn’t do anything weird…Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) From there, we do some namedropping
       
      “Ric Flair and I both have famous friends too. I don’t know if you knew this or not but Ric Flair is a personal friend of the President of the United States. While I am a personal friend of hardcore porn icon Christy Canyon. Christy got a better hand than the President. Now Melina, one of our friends made it to the top by screwing an awful lot of people. And the other one appeared in adult films.”
      - Mick Foley, 10:01pm
       
      From there, Foley compares his national headlines to Flair’s. He’s been interviewed by Katie Couric. What did Ric do? He got press for his embarrassing road rage incident. That cues the Nature Boy and just as the “Whooo” plays over the speakers, Jim Ross notes that Ric was exonerated of the road rage charges.
       
      Music playing, The Dirtiest Player in the Game hits the scene and shuts Mick up. As he removes his suit jacket, Slick Ric tells his furry foe that he’s waited six weeks for this moment. Is it real? Are you really here tonight, Foley? Are you Mick Foley? Yes you’re the real Foley. All the other Mick Foleys are just rolley poley. So will the real Mick Foley please stand up? No need to ask twice. He already is. The Real Mick Foley is right here in the ring with the Nature Boy and it’s about to jump awf. Time for Naitch to go off his rocker. How does it work? What are the steps in Flair's process of going off his rocker?  They go like this:
       
      1. Turn Red.
       
      2. Repeat opponents name over and over. In this case, “Hardcore Mick Foley? Cactus Jack Mick Foley?” (Other examples: Dusty! Dusty! - Luger! Luger! - Sting! Sting! - And so on.)
       
      3. Walk briskly across the ring.
       
      4. Fall on a body part. In this case - face. (Other examples: Elbow, back of head, stomach, knees)
       
      5. Get right back up and run up to opponent.
       
      After getting up and running over to Mick, Flair tells him to “get over it.” It’s not about a book! No one gives a damn about a book! They’re booing A-Rod in New York and they’re gonna be booing you too, Bugaboo, because you’re lazier than A-Rod. From there, Ric goes from off the rocker to “Holy Crap. Don’t change the channel, this man might have a heart attack” mode.
       
      The sweat machine kicks in and now the former Horsemen does his patented bounce of the ropes. He rebounds off, lets out a censored “goddamn,” and exclaims that now he’s “warmed up. (JG Note: All that’s left at this point is for him to take off his trousers and handcuff himself to the ring.) Flair pants through the next few sentences as he confronts the disrespectful sock puppeteer on his allegation that Ric fought “imaginary bad-asses.”
       
      “Imaginary bad-asses? Bruiser Brody , where are you today? Stan Hansen in Denver, Colorado. Stan, he’s calling you imaginary. Harley Race. Terry Funk. The list goes on! Imaginary bad-asses? Imaginary? Those guys would walk over you on the way to the bathroom and you wouldn’t open you mouth for one second.”
      - Ric Flair, 10:05pm
       
      (JG Note: In all fairness to Mick, if Harley Race was stepping over me and had to go to the bathroom, I doubt I’d open my mouth either. I mean, God knows why he’d want you to open your mouth for him. Creepy.) After turning three shades brighter, Sweatface McFlairstein screams for the taste of Mankind’s blood. He again throws himself on the ground and invites any one of Mick’s characters to come and fight him.
       
      “Whoever you want to be that day. Bring out socko out there and I’ll shove him up your ass!”
                    
      - Ric Flair, 10:06pm
       
      Bright Red Ric calls to the audience for their applause and asks for their ovations for a Flair-Foley Hardcore rematch. The former Evolution member seems to be halfway to the nuthouse as he rolls around in the ring and begs for a hardcore opportunity. He tells The Mickster that he wants it. He wants to take on the Hardcore Icon in his own environment. Then, he turns his attention to the Diva in waiting.
       
      You see, there’s another thing that pisses off R.F. about Dude Love. He talks about his wife and four kids at home, yet he’s running around with Melina. According to Naitch, she’s the type of Diva that should jump on Space Mountain. When Mel acts disgusted, Flair gyrates his hips and says “15 years ago all night long! You would have been space-mountainized.” (JG Note: 15 years ago, Melina was 12.  Ew.) Mick says that’s the difference between he and Nature. While Slick Ric sees a one-night-stand when he looks at Lina, Mickey sees a good person. Yeah. That’s it. Not only that, but Mankind will be damned if he takes family advice from a three time husband and a two time absentee father. Booyah, bee-otch. Chew on that and wash it down with some Strawberry Kwick. Bam!
       
      You’d think this segment would be over by now, right? Nope. Instead, it’s hitting a new direction. Flair takes offense to Foley’s unfair use of the truth and is told to relax. Mr. Socko’s Dad realizes he made a mistake. He went too far. Now look, man. Things have been strained between you two since your book came out. Then there was that lovely, romantic plane ride from Manilla when you and Foley ended up sitting next to each other. How you two laughed! How you talked! How you kissed! It was a magic night and, although you don’t agree on much, you agree on family. Mick says he’s “shooting” when he compliments Ric’s love of his children. Deep down, Foley knows that you have a different relationship with your children. It’s one that Cactus will never know. It’s the moment when you call your kids and say:
       
      “Kids, your dad’s just been arrested.”
       
      Punch.
       
      Well, no kidding. If that didn’t get him popped, nothing will. The Arrested Dad knocks Mick from the ring and we all expect the segment to end now. Again, no. It goes on. It’s like a cross between Freddy Krueger and the Energizer Bunny. Cue the freakin’ Coach.
       
      John Coachman walks out to his unrecognizable new music and informs both Bright Red Ric and Hairy Scary Foley that they have a match set soon. Mr. McMahon has ordered Flair-Foley for Summerslam! You’d think everyone would be happy? Nope. Mick tells the “arrogant son-of-a-bitch” to tell Vinnie to read Dude Love’s contract. He fights who he wants, when he wants. Cac-Boy says that he’s not willing to waste one of his matches on a “washed up” has-been like Ric Flair. As the crowd boos, Jack gives them a sarcastic “Have a Nice day!” You think the segment would be over now, right? Well, it is.
       
      Still to come: Tattoo Face With The Rudy Huxtable Hair faces Shawn Michaels in his leather chaps…not that there’s anything wrong with that. But next, Dean Douglas takes on Malibu’s Most Wanted.
       
      Commercial Break. I wish Little Richard would narrate my conversations. That would be awesome.
       
      Milena of The Diva Search chooses no one. She also says that the fans did a great job choosing “Christy and Ashley.” I guess she didn’t get the memo. Not only did she not name someone she thinks should leave (the only thing she was asked to do) but she mentioned the host of TNA Global Impact who was fired rather suddenly. She should have also tried to mention Ultimate Warrior, Nailz, Wendy Richter, and Chyna while she was at it.
       
      First one out is Matt Striker and he’s billed as “the Social Studies teacher direct from Cordova High School in New York City.” For some reason, the Social Studies teacher is doing English class tonight as he calls out John Cena for using a word that isn’t in the dictionary - homies. Nope. Total hogwash. He made it up. What a fraud! Next thing you’ll be telling me is that cheap sauce isn’t a real sauce!
       
      3) John Cena defeated Matt Striker via STFU Submission
       
      Edge and Lita come out at the start of the match and take a seat at their “Rated R Announce Table.“ J.R. talks about the Summerslam match for the WWE Title and mentions the stipulation that if Adam Copeland gets DQed, he’ll lose his belt. (JG Note: Meh. I don’t know. I was never a big fan of this stipulation when there’s a baby face challenger. It makes him seem like a punk. Why would he need that stip? Why not just fight Edge in a no-DQ match? It works the other way around. If Cena was a heel, it would work. When Hogan did it in his house show matches with Paul Orndorff, it worked. Why? Because you thought to yourself, “Paul Orndorff is an evil villain. Of course he’d like to win the WWF title, even if it’s not a legitimate pinfall.” In the case of John, you’d hope that the good guy would want to win the belt in the most convincing fashion. Capturing the top strap in on Raw off of a stupid disqualification stipulation isn’t heroic, it’s cowardly. That’s just how it comes off.) Copeland talks mad trash throughout the short contest and lets out a “damnit” upon Dr. Thuggy’s tap out victory over Mean Street Matt Striker.
       
      Commercial Break. It’s Dog Whisperer Week on National Geographic. Tssst!
       
      Kenny! Mikey! Jase! Howie! Chicken George!
       
      It’s the Sprit Squad and, if the Raw Rewind Weekly Foreshadowing has taught us anything, the Highlanders are fixing to come on out and face one of them. Thanks to the prematch cheer, we learn that it’s Johnny who will be taking on Rory. Splendid.
       
      4) Rory Macalister defeated Spirit Squad Johnny with an inside cradle.
       
      With each passing week, I hate the tag team division a little bit more. It’s just depressing at this point. At least Smackdown has promise here and there. With Raw, what you see is what you get. It’s these two teams and Hass/Viscera. Other than that, the field is wide open. All three teams can be pretty much viewed as novelty acts and have overwhelming gimmicks that detract from their matches. I’m counting the days until they splinter off the S.S. and allow certain guys to shine on their own. I’m doing the same thing a Highlander heel turn. These two would be great savages. They look like Vikings but are booked like Bushwhackers. It’s just a wasted opportunity to get over some real evil brutes in favor of introducing another comedy gimmick. They can still dress the same and talk the same. They just need to be animals in the ring. Regardless of whether they should be good or bad, Rory and Robbie are on an upswing. Seemingly out of nowhere, Baldie Rory trapped John in an unexpected cradle and scored himself a pinfall. In the crowd, a guy had a sign that said, “Real Men Wear Skirts.” Uh…no they don’t.
       
      J.T. of The Diva Search chooses Erica too. She feels that Erica might be too worried about her looks to step into the ring. After J.T.’s vote, Lawler asks Jim Ross who he voted for. J.R. replies, “I can’t tell you.” Maybe that's because he didn’t vote. Don't worry.  I didn’t vote either. If for no other reason than because Mike the Miz wants me to.
       
      Hoorah! Hoochie Train, Hoorah! Let me hear you say Hoorah! Mac Daddy make you Hoorah! Daddy Mac’ll make ya Hoorah! Uh huh. Uh huh. Mike the Mizerable is here to make us cry and announce the weekly WWE Diva Search castoff. Who will it be? Why it’s the one and only Rebecca. You might know her from such things as The Raw Diva Search and, of course, the Raw Diva Search. Sorry, Becca. You’re bounced. Now, as Bobby Heenan would say, hit the bricks, toots.
       
      Becky takes her cleavage and goes home. Meanwhile the remaining Meat dance around and thank the audience for their votes. Mizanin recites the voting instructions that he massacred in week one and urges me to vote for my favorite girl. Again, since he wants me to, I’m not going to. I don’t know why, but this character is just the most annoying thing since heel Coachman on commentary. I think the hair is the icing on the cake. After all the ridiculousness of his “hoorah” and awkward delivery, you have the hair. Ta-da.  Complete.
       
      This past Tuesday, WWE held a fan rally for WrestleMania 23. They did a really good package here and it gave off that RassleMania feel. The best part of it all? Only in WWE could there be a press conference where most guys where suits, one guy wears a crown and cape, and Batista wears a wife beater.
       
      Fake cop time. This week, the fake cops look like they’re 14 years old and deliver their lines like robots. It appears that the fake police got a call about some stolen goods in your possession. Once the search commences, it all comes out. A box of - dum, dum, dum - Cuban Cigars pop up in Triple H’s bag. Helmsley scoffs at the charges, saying that he doesn’t even smoke. Whatever, Fuzzface. The TV cops don’t care what you have to say. They just know that you need to get to steppin’ downtown. They have some fake questions to ask you. Trips obliges and walks from the room with his escorts. Once in the hallway, Hunt is confronted by Vince and Shane McMahon. They smile as they watch the new daddy taken away. As soon as the phony 5.0 departs, Big Mac and his boy pull out their own Cuban Cigars and grin, content with the damage they had done.
       
      Commercial Break. Skittles has Bubble Gum. Taste the Rainbow. Blow the Rainbow.
       
      Next week: Jerry Lawler vs. Randy Orton.
       
      5) Umaga pinned Shawn Michaels after the Samoan Spike.
       
      Once the match got underway, both Shane and Vince emerged. They joined Armando at ringside and watched as HBK and the Bulldozer did their thing. It wasn’t anything too special, but told the story it was meant to tell. Interference was abound by both McMahons and Umaga’s manger, Estrada. At some points, the Boy Toy was able to counteract, like when Maga accidentally hit Mando. At others, he wasn’t, like the finish of the match. With Umy all but out of it, Michaels started to tune up his foot for the Chin Music. Mr. McMahon reaches in and grabs the untuned foot and gets punched in the head for it. J.R. inserts a pop culture reference at this point and says that Vince McMahon needs to see “Dr. Melfi on the Sopranos.” In the ring, Shane-o attacks but ends up getting beat up. All looked bright for DeGeneration Shawn as he knocked down the boss’s son and did his patented kip-up. However, the Samoan Bulldozed over him as soon as he made it to his feet. The last thing he saw was that thumb.
       
      After the bell, Vince McMahon grabbed Shawn Michaels and bent him over the middle turnbuckle. It looked like he was humping him from behind…not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then, just to make the scene even more bizarre, Vinnie breaks free from his doggy-style grip and steps back from Shawn’s bent over body. While his son Shane holds The Boy Toy in the prison position, The Genetic Jackhammer begins to remove his belt.

      Oh no, he di’in’t.
       
      Thankfully for us, Vinnie Mac is in a whipping mood, not a bonin’ mood. He tears into Michaels with his belt and then chokes him with it. Son Shane gets his dad a chair from ringside and joins him in pummeling his brother-in-law’ s buddy. After softening up the Heartbreak Kid with the chair, Vince held it front of his face while Little Mac prepared his foot for some of his own Sweet Chin Music. After the proper tapping, Shane-o ran in and landed the kick right into the chair, smashing into Shawn’s face.
       
      Then, as Shane turned, the chair fell and hit him upside the head. It was pretty funny.
       
      As Michaels laid upon the ground, VKM leaned in close and informed him that next week, Triple H will face Umaga. No one heard it but Shawn and the cameraman.  It probably would have gotten a good pop if they did it on the house microphone, but why get the crowd excited? What’s the big deal anyway? They don’t always have to be happy, right? Screw ‘em.
       
      The owner and his son pose over Shawn Michaels as we fade to black.
       
      All in all…If you liked wrestling, you probably weren’t too happy tonight.
       
      It seemed like everyone had something to say and everyone was saying it. The Foley-Flair segment, while good, was still just more of the same. There’s been no forward momentum and it all seems to be the same arguments each week. While I thought this week’s segment was one of the better ones, it still doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t necessarily needed. Considering all the other interview time these two have had, it’s just getting to be overkill. That being said, I still think this feud is coming off strangely with Foley as the heel. Flair’s “Space Mountain” comment was greeted with boos all around. Why? Because it’s a heelish thing to say. The guy is wrestling’s classic heel and Foley is wrestling’s hairy teddy bear. It just doesn’t seem natural to book it the way it is.
       
      The Orton Knows Best thing was bad too. It was good for the first few minutes. Then it took a sharp downturn. The big thing I can’t stand in wrestling is the impersonator syndrome. It goes like this:
       
      Wrestler hires someone to parody his opponent. Wrestler invites impersonator out. Impersonator makes fun of wrestler’s opponent. Wrestler beats up impersonator. Wrestler expects heat.

      Why? Why would the crowd boo you for beating up someone who’s making fun of their hero? I don’t get it. Don’t tell me that it’s because the person “symbolizes their hero” because that makes no sense at all. If the impersonator is “symbolizing” them, then they wouldn’t make fun of them.
       
      It’s not new. They did this in 1994 when Roddy Piper fought Jerry Lawler at King of the Ring. Lawler hired a guy to impersonate Piper and then beat him up. At the pay-per-view, Roddy invited the kid to ringside for him because he felt bad about how Lawler had treated him. It made absolutely no sense. No mention of how the kid had said that Piper’s family should star in “Hell Comes To Dogtown.” Nope. Nothing. It seems that impersonators in wrestling are immune to any logic at all. They exist on their own logic level. One that we can’t understand. It’s friggin’ cosmic.
       
      Who else talked? Matt Striker talked. There’s nothing worse than a jobber with prematch mic time. Simon Dean is another example. If you’re winning matches, you should do prematch spiels. If you’re losing weekly, you’re just wasting time by talking. Fans tune you out and you don’t get “heat” for it. You get snoring for it. They need to put Striker into a tag team quick. He’s got the TV time and the skills, if you pair him right with another midcard guy, you could create something worth pushing.
       
      The Umaga push continues and the ending of tonight’s show was a great moment in his career. Glad to see it and hopefully this will be a main eventer that truly stands out from the

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
    • Freeze
      y James Guttman Aug 1, 2006, 02:09 Triple H and Vince McMahon enter “Silly Billy’s Preschool,” a play gym style preschool for children ages 3-4. They
      Message 2 of 5 , Aug 1, 2006
        y James Guttman
        Aug 1, 2006, 02:09
         
        Smiles For Miles
        Triple H and Vince McMahon enter “Silly Billy’s Preschool,” a play gym style preschool for children ages 3-4. They walk up to the counter and are greeted.
         
        Miss Jeanie: Good morning and welcome to Silly Billy’s Preschool. Is there something I can help you with?
         
        Vince McMahon: Yes. Yes, you can. My name is Vince and this is Hunter. You may recognize us from the TV program WWE Raw.
         
        Miss Jeanie: (puzzled) Is that some sort of cooking show?
         
        Triple H: Wha…? No, Jag-Off, it’s a wrestling show. I’m Triple H.
         
        Miss Jeanie: Oh…you mean WWF. My dad used to watch that stuff. Oooo. Do you know the Rock?
         
        Hunter: (underneath his breath)  I know the Rock sucks. That’s what I know about the Rock…jag-off.
         
        Vince: Anyway, I’m here to sign my granddaughter up for Shitty Billy’s Preschool.
         
        Miss Jeanie: OK, well, first it’s called “Silly” Billy’s Preschool. Secondly, we don’t like to sign up new students unless their parents are present.
         
        Hunter: (Jumping Up and Down) The father? I don’t know who the father is, but I bet he’s hung like a horse!
         
        Miss Jeanie: What?
         
        Vince: That’s just a little joke we have. The people love it. Anyway, my daughter wrote you a note, explaining the whole thing.
         
        Vince hands Jeanie a crumpled note. She reads it out loud.
         
        Miss Jeanie: “Dear Shitty Billy Teacher. Pumpkin pie in the pooper shooter makes much pirate ship. Gonads applesauce, swallow peter pan. Love - Stephanie McMahon.”
         
        Confused, Jeanie looks up at Hunter and Vince.
         
        Miss Jeanie: What?! What the hell was that? Sir, what your daughter wrote made no sense whatsoever!
         
        Hunter: We know. That’s been a problem we’ve had for the last few years.
         
        Vince: Look, the gist is that Hunter here is her father.
         
        Hunter: Yeah. I’m the baby daddy. I hit that.
         
        Vince: We just need to sign her up for your preschool.
         
        Miss Jeanie: Fine. How old is she?
         
        Vince: Seven days.
        Miss Jeanie: OK. Seven…did you say seven days? Our school is for children over the age of 3.
         
        Hunter: Oh that’s no problem. She’s above the other kids. Todd Grisham put her over on Raw.
         
        Miss Jeanie: Put her over what?
         
        Vince: It’s an insider term. It means we talked about her on Raw. She’s had her name mentioned on TV.
         
        Miss Jeanie: I’m still not understanding what you’re saying to me.
         
        Hunter: We’re saying that…Argh! Forget it. We’ll just come back when someone else is working the desk.
         
        Miss Jeanie: That would be terrific. I’d really appreciate that.
         
        Vince: Do you mind if we look around?
         
        Miss Jeanie: Something tells me you’re going to do it anyway. Just be quiet. We have a class going on. Say hello to the Rock for me.
         
        Time to Play the Game
         
        Jeanie runs into a backroom while Hunter and Vince enter the play gym.
         
        Hunter: (in a high-pitched voice) Hey everybody! It’s Triple H! Where? There! Look…and Vince McMahon!
         
        Everyone stops and looks over at Hunter and Vince. Mr. McMahon is doing his trademark strut.
         
        Little Boy: Mommy. Why does that man walk like he’s in a parade?
         
        Vince: Hello! Hello! Ah ha! It’s me, kids! Mr. MAC-MAN!
         
        A little girl walks up to Vince and tugs on his suit.
         
        Little Girl: Excooth me, Mr. Pac Man?
         
        Vince: Mac Man.
         
        Little Girl: I wike Animawl Kwackers.
         
        Vince: That’s great.
         
        Triple H is off on the other side of the gym.  He's standing next to a teacher with a bubble wand and a bottle.
         
        Teacher: Gather ‘round, kids! It’s time to blow bubbles.
         
        Hunter: Who’s Bubbles? He the owner or something?
         
        Teacher: (disgusted) Uh, no. It’s bubbles. As in soap and water.
         
        The teacher blows into the wand and bubbles fly at the clapping children.
         
        Hunter: Hey Vince, check this out. It’s like a water soup and it makes these flying clear things that look like testicles.
         
        Vince: That’s pretty cool. We could use that for something.
         
        Hunter: Yo, let me try that.
         
        Hunter grabs the bubble mix, chugs it, and then spits it at all the children.
         
        Children: Nooo! Ahhhhh!
         
        Everyone cries.
         
        Patooey!
         
        Teacher: Oh my goodness! Now that’s it! Get away from this class. Go stand by the ballpit.
         
        Vince: You have something called a ballpit? Oh my God.
         
        Hunter: (laughing) Ball pit! Ha ha ha! We could have Cena say that Lita has a “ball pit!” Ha ha ha!
         
        Vince: This place is like creative heaven. I never thought our best material would come from a preschool.
         
        Little Boy: Excoose me.
         
        Hunter: Yeah?
         
        Little Boy: You look like you made pee-pee on your head! Heee-hee.
         
        Vince: (laughing) Oh my God. That’s genius.
         
        Little Girl: And you look like you eat stinky doodies! Theee-heee!
         
        Hunter: (laughing) Yowsers! I should be writing this down!
         
        Children: (singing) Poopies! Poopies!
         
        Vince: (dancing) This is amazing. Hunter - grab that tambourine and get everyone’s attention.
         
        Hunter: Hear ye. Hear ye. The Chairman is about to speak.
         
        Vince: I have an announcement. You’re all hired. Every little snotty one of you.
         
        Everyone cheers.
         
        Vince: So let’s all go write Raw. Then…we can have Pizza!
         
        Everyone cheers again. Hunter leads them from the gym while tapping the tambourine and singing.
         
        Hunter: (singing) The wheels on the bus go lick-my-balls. Lick-my-balls. Lick-my-balls. The wheels on the bus go lick-my-balls. All through the cocks…
         
        Uh oh!
         

        Ah to be young.  Bubbles, tambourines, poopie, and animal crackers - the choice of a new generation.  Speaking of new generation, what will be the plans for Umaga now that Shawn Michaels has been rejoined by his bubble-blowing partner Triple H?  Has the young Princess Hogan met her knight in hazing armor, Randy Orton, or will her Daddy put the big boot on this love affair?  Will Johnny Nitro continue his Intercontinental Title reign or suffer a stunning defeat at the hands of either Carlito or Shelton Benjamin?  Has the war of words between "Washed Up Piece of Garbage" Ric Flair and "Fat Boy" Mick Foley reached the boiling point?  Can the former WWE Champion John Cena make another miracle run at Edge's gold?  Of course, the most important question - You always drive without a shirt on?  Well, best pull over, sing the wheels on the bus, and put some clothes on.  It's Monday Night and we're about to get all sorts of Raw up in this mutha!
         
        Raw Theme Plays. “Hey man, do you see the change in me?” No. I refuse to.
         
        17,401 Monday Night Raw fans are literally jam-packed to the rafters here tonight. The electricity is so thick you could cut it with a knife and justifiably so. It’s The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels facing off against the Samoan Bulldozer Umaga. Then from there, we get the debut of the newest hit reality show on television - Orton Knows Best. Jim Ross and his hetero-live mate Jerry Lawler are prepared for War. Raw is War, that is. Hyahh!
         
        Hey. When you cue Mr. McMahon, make sure to congratulate him on the birth of his granddaughter. Her name is Aurora.
         
        Aurora? Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
         
        What?
         
        Oh no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. It's a regional dialect. Oh not in Utica, no, it's an Albany _expression.
         
        Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?
         
        The Simpsons, man. You never saw that episode?
         
        Will you just go tell Mr. McMahon that’s he on now?
         
        Fine. Eat my shorts.
         
        First one out the gate tonight is Uncle Shane McMahon and grand pappy Vince. Big Mac and the Boy take the ring and Vinnie gets the mic first. He reminds us once again that his daughter had a baby girl last week. So, understandably, you can’t wipe the smile off of his face. Vinnie gets briefly cut off by a kayfabed audio glitch and then continues on. You see, Granddaughter Aurora is already richer than anyone else in the arena here tonight. Shane-o chimes in with “…and far more intelligent.” The McMahons have been killing homeless people celebrating since last Monday and the celebration will continue all the way through Summerslam. Ya’ll know Summerslam, don’t cha? It’s the biggest party of the Summer! (JG Note: He’s right. Totally A-List. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are always fighting over who gets to have their toes sucked on by Gene Snitsky.) So Daddy Mac and Uncle Mac are going to dedicate their match at SlumberSlam to Stephanie’s baby. Who are they fighting? DeGeneration X, of course.
         
        Are you ready?
         
        Nope. Apparently we’re not ready. The music stops after the opening line and leaves both Little Mac and Jack LaLane confused. Shane writes off the “glitches” as typical DX mind games. Eff all that noise, though. The real question is, “Can Shawn Michaels survive the undefeated Samoan Bulldozer Umaga?”
         
        Yo. Play the next few bars of the DX song.
         
        You mean the part where he goes, “This is what will happen to you - You'd be biting off a hump bit and chew - bit and chew bit and chew - You'd be biting off a hump bit and chew - That’s what’ll happen to you?”
         
        Dude, that’s “Don’t Go Messing With a Country Boy.”
         
        OK. So I don’t get what you’re saying. What, like Hillbilly Jim’s coming back now?
         
        Huh? No! Play the DX song!
         
        Again there’s a short bit of the Degeneration song. Just as the chairman starts to talk through it, it kicks in. Woovy-Bezerk style.
         
        Break it Down!
         
        Here comes DX! Triple H has his t-shirt tucked in his jeans, which at first might be considered a fashion faux pas. However, when you consider that he’s standing beside Shawn Michaels, who is wearing his DX shirt along with a pair of black leather chaps, his sense of style doesn’t seem all that bad. Chap Boy is the first one to speak. He congratulates the McFamily on the birth of their new arrival. Shawn gives them a “mazel tov” and Hunter gives a “lekhaim.” Salute, fellas. There’s a ton to celebrate tonight. Not only is there a new baby. But now there’s a Summerslam match for DeGeneration X. Sweet deal, Buster Brown. Now, allow Shawny to bring us back to the subject at hand:
         
        “But I don’t want to put the cart before the horse. Let’s talk about the newest addition to the McMahon family, shall we. It is my understanding that one Triple H was in that very same hospital room just last week. It is also my understanding that one Triple H has acquired the entire McMahon Family scrap book.”
        - Shawn Michaels, 9:09pm
         
        At this point, Triple H begins to introduce a series of Photoshopped photos meant to mock the McMahon Family. (JG Note: How disrespectful! What type of jerk would do that?) It all culminates with the first photo of Vince’s granddaughter. When the mystery pic is finally shown, it’s a baby’s body with Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s head edited on. Perplexed, Michaels looks and says “She reminds me of somebody, but I can’t put my finger on it.” Bada boom ching.
         
        After the World Wrestling Insanity Slideshow ends, Shane-o Insane-o tells his aggressors that they are the ones who are the babies. That’s right. Come Summerslam, it’ll be Little Mac and his Poppa Bear changing your diapers.
         
        This elicits laughter from DeGeneration X. Ha-ha-ha. You said you’d change DX’s diapers! (JG Note: Gold. Silly Billy’s students knew that one would hit it big with the audience. Good debut segment, kids.) We get a final “Suck It” and then, after some miscommunication with the production truck, Hunter and Shawn get their theme music played to close out the segment. Nothing great. We got a Summerslam announcement and some tongue-in-cheek allusions to Aurora being the daughter of Hunter. Oh. We also got those photoshopped photos. I’m glad the McMahons enjoy those things so much. Here, Mr. Pac-Man. I made this one for you. Hang it on the fridge.
         
        I must break you.
         
        Next: Johnny Nitro vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito Cool. Jim Ross calls it - get this - “the never ending story for the Intercontinental Championship.” Well, that certainly makes it sound like a barrel of fun.
         
        Commercial Break. The commercial for “The Descent” says “from the studio that brought you Saw and Hostel.” No mention of See No Evil? Wonder why.
         
        Later tonight, another Diva is getting the biznoot from the Diva Search. Jerry Lawler calls it the “worst part of the show.” Between this and the “never-ending story” comment, this has been the most honest edition of Raw in a long time.
         
        Mike the Mizerable introduces a new segment. For no reason whatsoever, the Diva Search hopefuls will tell you who they think should be voted out. Does it have any baring on the contest? No. But it kills time. What else are we gonna use the time for? Wrestling?
         
        Jen of The Diva Search chooses J. T. She thinks that J.T. isn’t original and a WWE diva should have their own character. I wonder if Jens referring to when she calls herself “Good Ol’ JT,“ wears a black cowboy hat and smokes cigarettes. That must be it.
         
        1) Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro defeated Carlito and Shelton Benjamin after pinning Carlito
         
        This match starts off with some thank yous from WWE to TSN in Canada. Starting next week, the show moves to the Score, so check your local cable listings. What? Why wouldn’t Canada get the USA Net…oh. Never mind. So it’s the next chapter in the Never Ending Story and the match, as usual, is pretty good. All three got their digs in, but in the end, none of that mattered. It was Melina, who ran interference and thwarted Shelton Benjamin’s pinfall attempt. Benji confronted her and Carlito attacked him from behind. Then, behind him, Nitro sprinted in and knocked both his opponents into each other. Carly stumbled back and John Boy retained his shiny gold belt.
         
        Layla of The Diva Search chooses Milena. Her reason: “She can talk the talk, but when the time comes she can’t walk the walk.” Sure. Whatever you say. It was only a 20 second segment, so I’m not going to think to hard about it.
         
        Still to come:  John Cena vs. Matt Striker.
         
        Commercial Break. “Wanna get the Game going? Gatorade.” Wow. Gatorade? That’s what gets him going? I would have guessed flat irons, thongs, and bottled water.
         
        We’re back from the break and the “Hey. Nothing You Can Say” song is playing. Why? Well, because the Legend Killer Randy Orton is standing in the ring. As his name implies, young Randall is prepared to kill a legend. You see, Mr. Orton is ready to break out to the big time. He’s prepared to go Hollywood and has now accepted a role in a new reality show - Orton Knows Best. Let’s meet the cast, shall we?
         
        Out from the back comes a fake Bollea Family. There’s impersonators for each one of them except for Brian Knobbs (JG Note: It would have been hilarious if they brought out Jerry Saggs to play Knobbs' role.) The cast looks pretty good and after a prolonged family posedown, Randy opens up the floor for questioning.
        His first target - Nasty Nick. He asks Pretend Nick what he wants to be when he grows up. The Nickster replies that he wants to be a wrestler just like his dad. Orton offers this advice:
         
        “Now in order for that to happen, two things must take place. First, you’re gonna have to lose some of the hair on top of your head there. Second thing, you’re gonna have to get used to this.”
         
        With that, Cowboy Bob’s kid kicks “Nick” in the stomach and tosses him from the ring. The fake Hulk Hogan gets “upset,” but Mr. RKO chills him out a bit before turning his attention to the phony Linda. He calls her an animal lover and says it’s evident since she married a “beached walrus.” Oof. However, some good came out of it all. Fake Hulkster and Fake Mrs. Hulkster gave birth to fake Brooke. She’s a fine piece of fake ass. The fake Hulk, complete with southern accent, again confronts Orty and tells him to simmer down. He does some Hulkster parodying but is met with stunned silence. With each passing second, this segment gets less and less interesting.
         
        After the Fakester’s speech, the Real Randy gives him more than a “reality show.” He gives him a “reality check.” Come Summerslam, it’s all over for your career and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Now if you’ll step aside, Orton has some kissing to do. He’s gonna do it with your pretend daughter. Oh yeah. Open wide, baby. Randy Orton’s fixing to soil your purse, figuratively speaking of course.
         
        R.O. kisses Faux Brooke passionately and draws the ire of Phony Hoagie. He gets in Orton’s face, but ends up eating an RKO for his troubles. With the pretend Mr. America down and out on the canvas, Randall is free to flirt with his fake daughter while circling the ring. Blah. I never get why they do these skits where a heel beats up imposters of his opponents. I mean, I get that it works on a certain level, but only if the imposter is so dead-on that it seems funny. You don’t get heat by beating up people who are helping you mock your opponent.
         
        Anyway, as Ort walked around the ring, both Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross discussed the upcoming match Summerslam. Suddenly and without warning, Randy turned around and slapped Lawler across the face. It must have been a magic slap because for some reason, Jerry didn’t get up and the segment ended. I smell a new finisher. Randy Orton’s “Magical Bitch Slap.”
         
        We’re backstage in Mr. McMahon’s makeshift Raw office. He’s speaking to his son Shane when they’re interrupted by Armando Alejandro Estrada. AAE tells Daddy and Son that he and Umaga are grateful for receiving the match with Shawn Michaels tonight. Also, on behalf of the Bulldozer, Estrada wishes a heartfelt congrats on the birth of your granddaughter. To show his good will, Mando hands the McMahons each a cigar. Pleased, Daddy Mac says he was on the cover of “Cigar Aficionado.” Shane-o chimes in “Yeah, me too.” (JG Note: When he appeared on Radio Free Insanity, Vince Russo said that the Cigar Aficionado article contributed to his departure. In it, he says Vince gave Shane credit for writing Raw when it was he and Ed Ferrara doing the writing at the time. Just a tidbit I wanted to toss out there. It should also make you realize how long ago that was because back then people actually wanted credit for writing Raw. Nowadays, people don’t even want others to know they watch it.) Vinnie asks Estrada if he has any more Cuban cigars. Why, of course he does. There’s three cases in the car. Army will go get ‘em for ya. Segment closes with Vin asking his son if he has a light and having his cigar taken away. Shane-o says “You don’t smoke anymore.” Vinnie cryptically responds, “I used to.” Ironically enough, that’s exactly the same thing Rob Van Dam is going to have to start saying to people.
         
        Commercial Break. “Oh my God! Pete! What happened to your head!?” Gatorade, man. My head is huge now. I saw the commercials, bro, but I didn’t listen. I just didn’t listen.

        Welcome back. We’re in dirty Jersey, baby, and still to come is Jamala against DX’s HBK. But moments ago, we were all shocked and appalled over the shocking and appalling behavior of one Randy Orton. He shockingly slapped Jerry Lawler and appalled Jim Ross. The King gets a chance to speak on the subject and lets the brash youngster have it. Next Monday, Raw’s coming to Memphis. You know what’s gonna happen there? The King is going to extract some revenge on you. Oh yeah, kiddo. He’s gonna Rule Your Ass!
         
        Erica of The Diva Search chooses Rebecca as her choice to go home because she got a contract with another company this year.   Erica doesn’t feel like Becca would be able to give WWE 100% if she’s chosen. Basically, Erica should have just said, “I choose Rebecca because she got another contract with another company and I’m a hater.”
         
        2) Special Referee Torrie Wilson: Trish Stratus and Candice Michelle defeated Mickie James and Victoria when Trish pinned Mickie
         
        Jim Ross thinks that this match will be the most Tivoed match by “WNBA fans and Rosie O’Donell herself, not that there‘s anything wrong with that.” (JG Note: I love how ever since the Seinfeld episode people can use the term “not that there’s anything wrong with that” instead of “because he/she/you/it is super gay.” It’s like a big loophole to be Un-PC without being caught. “Hey man, you like looking at that guy’s ass? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Instead of saying, “Hey man, you like looking at that guy’s ass…because you’re a fruity-booty pillow-biter extraordinaire.” The Seinfeld version seems to cause less conflict.) This match got a pretty good reaction from the crowd and deservedly so. It was one of the better outings for all the women involved and helped to spark the seeds for Mickie-Torrie. Unfortunately, the ending was completely botched and Stratus ended up hitting a terrible looking springboard bulldog. Three seconds later, Trisha and Candice get another victory and move up the ladder in the WWE Raw Diva Division It’s not so impressive though when you realize that the ladder only has four rungs.
         
        Backstage, Mick Foley is hanging out with his friends Melina and Johnny Nitro. Mick asks Johnny if it would be cool for Mel to come out to the ring, grab the stick, and give Foley the oral excitement he deserves. That’s right. He wants her to get the crowd jumping with her words and introduce Mankind to the screaming masses. Johnny agrees. After all, he says they’re all “friends.” As his woman walks away, Nyquil tells her to “keep it sexy.”
         
        Commercial Break. The new Final Destination 3 DVD allows you to change the fates of characters in the movie by making decisions for them. It’s like Choose Your Own Adventure books, only without all that pesky reading.
         
        Milena of The Diva Search chooses Erica. She takes so much time explaining why that she almost runs out of time before she can say the name.
         
        “OK. I would like to introduce to you a good friend of mine and the one and only hardcore legend, Mick Foley!”
                  
        - Melina, 9:59pm
         
        Jim Ross pays tribute to Gordon Solie and does his best impression of the Dean saying that Foley has become “a strange enigma.” (JG Note: Yeah. I can see that. Although, I always thought the best way to describe Mick was like Charles Manson with a glandular disorder.)  Foley thanks his awkward reference for her introduction and then informs the capacity crowd that he’ll be giving them exactly what they want. It’s going to be Mick Foley and Ric Flair in this very ring tonight! Yup. Right here in New Joisey! Slick Ric and Slick Mick will be joining forces in order to capture tag team gold! The audience goes quiet and Mankind knows what’s up. People are leery over a RicMick Tag Team. Well, leer not, unwashed masses. Captain Jack’ll get you by tonight. Nothing to worry about at all. You see, Dude Love and The Nature Boy have something common. Naitch took Randy Orton under his wing a few years ago and helped his career. Then, a few months ago, Cactus took Melina under his wing and helped her career. It’s the same exact thing. (Randy Orton Note: Ric and I were just friends! That’s it! Friends. We didn’t do anything weird…Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) From there, we do some namedropping
         
        “Ric Flair and I both have famous friends too. I don’t know if you knew this or not but Ric Flair is a personal friend of the President of the United States. While I am a personal friend of hardcore porn icon Christy Canyon. Christy got a better hand than the President. Now Melina, one of our friends made it to the top by screwing an awful lot of people. And the other one appeared in adult films.”
        - Mick Foley, 10:01pm
         
        From there, Foley compares his national headlines to Flair’s. He’s been interviewed by Katie Couric. What did Ric do? He got press for his embarrassing road rage incident. That cues the Nature Boy and just as the “Whooo” plays over the speakers, Jim Ross notes that Ric was exonerated of the road rage charges.
         
        Music playing, The Dirtiest Player in the Game hits the scene and shuts Mick up. As he removes his suit jacket, Slick Ric tells his furry foe that he’s waited six weeks for this moment. Is it real? Are you really here tonight, Foley? Are you Mick Foley? Yes you’re the real Foley. All the other Mick Foleys are just rolley poley. So will the real Mick Foley please stand up? No need to ask twice. He already is. The Real Mick Foley is right here in the ring with the Nature Boy and it’s about to jump awf. Time for Naitch to go off his rocker. How does it work? What are the steps in Flair's process of going off his rocker?  They go like this:
         
        1. Turn Red.
         
        2. Repeat opponents name over and over. In this case, “Hardcore Mick Foley? Cactus Jack Mick Foley?” (Other examples: Dusty! Dusty! - Luger! Luger! - Sting! Sting! - And so on.)
         
        3. Walk briskly across the ring.
         
        4. Fall on a body part. In this case - face. (Other examples: Elbow, back of head, stomach, knees)
         
        5. Get right back up and run up to opponent.
         
        After getting up and running over to Mick, Flair tells him to “get over it.” It’s not about a book! No one gives a damn about a book! They’re booing A-Rod in New York and they’re gonna be booing you too, Bugaboo, because you’re lazier than A-Rod. From there, Ric goes from off the rocker to “Holy Crap. Don’t change the channel, this man might have a heart attack” mode.
         
        The sweat machine kicks in and now the former Horsemen does his patented bounce of the ropes. He rebounds off, lets out a censored “goddamn,” and exclaims that now he’s “warmed up. (JG Note: All that’s left at this point is for him to take off his trousers and handcuff himself to the ring.) Flair pants through the next few sentences as he confronts the disrespectful sock puppeteer on his allegation that Ric fought “imaginary bad-asses.”
         
        “Imaginary bad-asses? Bruiser Brody , where are you today? Stan Hansen in Denver, Colorado. Stan, he’s calling you imaginary. Harley Race. Terry Funk. The list goes on! Imaginary bad-asses? Imaginary? Those guys would walk over you on the way to the bathroom and you wouldn’t open you mouth for one second.”
        - Ric Flair, 10:05pm
         
        (JG Note: In all fairness to Mick, if Harley Race was stepping over me and had to go to the bathroom, I doubt I’d open my mouth either. I mean, God knows why he’d want you to open your mouth for him. Creepy.) After turning three shades brighter, Sweatface McFlairstein screams for the taste of Mankind’s blood. He again throws himself on the ground and invites any one of Mick’s characters to come and fight him.
         
        “Whoever you want to be that day. Bring out socko out there and I’ll shove him up your ass!”
                      
        - Ric Flair, 10:06pm
         
        Bright Red Ric calls to the audience for their applause and asks for their ovations for a Flair-Foley Hardcore rematch. The former Evolution member seems to be halfway to the nuthouse as he rolls around in the ring and begs for a hardcore opportunity. He tells The Mickster that he wants it. He wants to take on the Hardcore Icon in his own environment. Then, he turns his attention to the Diva in waiting.
         
        You see, there’s another thing that pisses off R.F. about Dude Love. He talks about his wife and four kids at home, yet he’s running around with Melina. According to Naitch, she’s the type of Diva that should jump on Space Mountain. When Mel acts disgusted, Flair gyrates his hips and says “15 years ago all night long! You would have been space-mountainized.” (JG Note: 15 years ago, Melina was 12.  Ew.) Mick says that’s the difference between he and Nature. While Slick Ric sees a one-night-stand when he looks at Lina, Mickey sees a good person. Yeah. That’s it. Not only that, but Mankind will be damned if he takes family advice from a three time husband and a two time absentee father. Booyah, bee-otch. Chew on that and wash it down with some Strawberry Kwick. Bam!
         
        You’d think this segment would be over by now, right? Nope. Instead, it’s hitting a new direction. Flair takes offense to Foley’s unfair use of the truth and is told to relax. Mr. Socko’s Dad realizes he made a mistake. He went too far. Now look, man. Things have been strained between you two since your book came out. Then there was that lovely, romantic plane ride from Manilla when you and Foley ended up sitting next to each other. How you two laughed! How you talked! How you kissed! It was a magic night and, although you don’t agree on much, you agree on family. Mick says he’s “shooting” when he compliments Ric’s love of his children. Deep down, Foley knows that you have a different relationship with your children. It’s one that Cactus will never know. It’s the moment when you call your kids and say:
         
        “Kids, your dad’s just been arrested.”
         
        Punch.
         
        Well, no kidding. If that didn’t get him popped, nothing will. The Arrested Dad knocks Mick from the ring and we all expect the segment to end now. Again, no. It goes on. It’s like a cross between Freddy Krueger and the Energizer Bunny. Cue the freakin’ Coach.
         
        John Coachman walks out to his unrecognizable new music and informs both Bright Red Ric and Hairy Scary Foley that they have a match set soon. Mr. McMahon has ordered Flair-Foley for Summerslam! You’d think everyone would be happy? Nope. Mick tells the “arrogant son-of-a-bitch” to tell Vinnie to read Dude Love’s contract. He fights who he wants, when he wants. Cac-Boy says that he’s not willing to waste one of his matches on a “washed up” has-been like Ric Flair. As the crowd boos, Jack gives them a sarcastic “Have a Nice day!” You think the segment would be over now, right? Well, it is.
         
        Still to come: Tattoo Face With The Rudy Huxtable Hair faces Shawn Michaels in his leather chaps…not that there’s anything wrong with that. But next, Dean Douglas takes on Malibu’s Most Wanted.
         
        Commercial Break. I wish Little Richard would narrate my conversations. That would be awesome.
         
        Milena of The Diva Search chooses no one. She also says that the fans did a great job choosing “Christy and Ashley.” I guess she didn’t get the memo. Not only did she not name someone she thinks should leave (the only thing she was asked to do) but she mentioned the host of TNA Global Impact who was fired rather suddenly. She should have also tried to mention Ultimate Warrior, Nailz, Wendy Richter, and Chyna while she was at it.
         
        First one out is Matt Striker and he’s billed as “the Social Studies teacher direct from Cordova High School in New York City.” For some reason, the Social Studies teacher is doing English class tonight as he calls out John Cena for using a word that isn’t in the dictionary - homies. Nope. Total hogwash. He made it up. What a fraud! Next thing you’ll be telling me is that cheap sauce isn’t a real sauce!
         
        3) John Cena defeated Matt Striker via STFU Submission
         
        Edge and Lita come out at the start of the match and take a seat at their “Rated R Announce Table.“ J.R. talks about the Summerslam match for the WWE Title and mentions the stipulation that if Adam Copeland gets DQed, he’ll lose his belt. (JG Note: Meh. I don’t know. I was never a big fan of this stipulation when there’s a baby face challenger. It makes him seem like a punk. Why would he need that stip? Why not just fight Edge in a no-DQ match? It works the other way around. If Cena was a heel, it would work. When Hogan did it in his house show matches with Paul Orndorff, it worked. Why? Because you thought to yourself, “Paul Orndorff is an evil villain. Of course he’d like to win the WWF title, even if it’s not a legitimate pinfall.” In the case of John, you’d hope that the good guy would want to win the belt in the most convincing fashion. Capturing the top strap in on Raw off of a stupid disqualification stipulation isn’t heroic, it’s cowardly. That’s just how it comes off.) Copeland talks mad trash throughout the short contest and lets out a “damnit” upon Dr. Thuggy’s tap out victory over Mean Street Matt Striker.
         
        Commercial Break. It’s Dog Whisperer Week on National Geographic. Tssst!
         
        Kenny! Mikey! Jase! Howie! Chicken George!
         
        It’s the Sprit Squad and, if the Raw Rewind Weekly Foreshadowing has taught us anything, the Highlanders are fixing to come on out and face one of them. Thanks to the prematch cheer, we learn that it’s Johnny who will be taking on Rory. Splendid.
         
        4) Rory Macalister defeated Spirit Squad Johnny with an inside cradle.
         
        With each passing week, I hate the tag team division a little bit more. It’s just depressing at this point. At least Smackdown has promise here and there. With Raw, what you see is what you get. It’s these two teams and Hass/Viscera. Other than that, the field is wide open. All three teams can be pretty much viewed as novelty acts and have overwhelming gimmicks that detract from their matches. I’m counting the days until they splinter off the S.S. and allow certain guys to shine on their own. I’m doing the same thing a Highlander heel turn. These two would be great savages. They look like Vikings but are booked like Bushwhackers. It’s just a wasted opportunity to get over some real evil brutes in favor of introducing another comedy gimmick. They can still dress the same and talk the same. They just need to be animals in the ring. Regardless of whether they should be good or bad, Rory and Robbie are on an upswing. Seemingly out of nowhere, Baldie Rory trapped John in an unexpected cradle and scored himself a pinfall. In the crowd, a guy had a sign that said, “Real Men Wear Skirts.” Uh…no they don’t.
         
        J.T. of The Diva Search chooses Erica too. She feels that Erica might be too worried about her looks to step into the ring. After J.T.’s vote, Lawler asks Jim Ross who he voted for. J.R. replies, “I can’t tell you.” Maybe that's because he didn’t vote. Don't worry.  I didn’t vote either. If for no other reason than because Mike the Miz wants me to.
         
        Hoorah! Hoochie Train, Hoorah! Let me hear you say Hoorah! Mac Daddy make you Hoorah! Daddy Mac’ll make ya Hoorah! Uh huh. Uh huh. Mike the Mizerable is here to make us cry and announce the weekly WWE Diva Search castoff. Who will it be? Why it’s the one and only Rebecca. You might know her from such things as The Raw Diva Search and, of course, the Raw Diva Search. Sorry, Becca. You’re bounced. Now, as Bobby Heenan would say, hit the bricks, toots.
         
        Becky takes her cleavage and goes home. Meanwhile the remaining Meat dance around and thank the audience for their votes. Mizanin recites the voting instructions that he massacred in week one and urges me to vote for my favorite girl. Again, since he wants me to, I’m not going to. I don’t know why, but this character is just the most annoying thing since heel Coachman on commentary. I think the hair is the icing on the cake. After all the ridiculousness of his “hoorah” and awkward delivery, you have the hair. Ta-da.  Complete.
         
        This past Tuesday, WWE held a fan rally for WrestleMania 23. They did a really good package here and it gave off that RassleMania feel. The best part of it all? Only in WWE could there be a press conference where most guys where suits, one guy wears a crown and cape, and Batista wears a wife beater.
         
        Fake cop time. This week, the fake cops look like they’re 14 years old and deliver their lines like robots. It appears that the fake police got a call about some stolen goods in your possession. Once the search commences, it all comes out. A box of - dum, dum, dum - Cuban Cigars pop up in Triple H’s bag. Helmsley scoffs at the charges, saying that he doesn’t even smoke. Whatever, Fuzzface. The TV cops don’t care what you have to say. They just know that you need to get to steppin’ downtown. They have some fake questions to ask you. Trips obliges and walks from the room with his escorts. Once in the hallway, Hunt is confronted by Vince and Shane McMahon. They smile as they watch the new daddy taken away. As soon as the phony 5.0 departs, Big Mac and his boy pull out their own Cuban Cigars and grin, content with the damage they had done.
         
        Commercial Break. Skittles has Bubble Gum. Taste the Rainbow. Blow the Rainbow.
         
        Next week: Jerry Lawler vs. Randy Orton.
         
        5) Umaga pinned Shawn Michaels after the Samoan Spike.
         
        Once the match got underway, both Shane and Vince emerged. They joined Armando at ringside and watched as HBK and the Bulldozer did their thing. It wasn’t anything too special, but told the story it was meant to tell. Interference was abound by both McMahons and Umaga’s manger, Estrada. At some points, the Boy Toy was able to counteract, like when Maga accidentally hit Mando. At others, he wasn’t, like the finish of the match. With Umy all but out of it, Michaels started to tune up his foot for the Chin Music. Mr. McMahon reaches in and grabs the untuned foot and gets punched in the head for it. J.R. inserts a pop culture reference at this point and says that Vince McMahon needs to see “Dr. Melfi on the Sopranos.” In the ring, Shane-o attacks but ends up getting beat up. All looked bright for DeGeneration Shawn as he knocked down the boss’s son and did his patented kip-up. However, the Samoan Bulldozed over him as soon as he made it to his feet. The last thing he saw was that thumb.
         
        After the bell, Vince McMahon grabbed Shawn Michaels and bent him over the middle turnbuckle. It looked like he was humping him from behind…not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then, just to make the scene even more bizarre, Vinnie breaks free from his doggy-style grip and steps back from Shawn’s bent over body. While his son Shane holds The Boy Toy in the prison position, The Genetic Jackhammer begins to remove his belt.

        Oh no, he di’in’t.
         
        Thankfully for us, Vinnie Mac is in a whipping mood, not a bonin’ mood. He tears into Michaels with his belt and then chokes him with it. Son Shane gets his dad a chair from ringside and joins him in pummeling his brother-in-law’ s buddy. After softening up the Heartbreak Kid with the chair, Vince held it front of his face while Little Mac prepared his foot for some of his own Sweet Chin Music. After the proper tapping, Shane-o ran in and landed the kick right into the chair, smashing into Shawn’s face.
         
        Then, as Shane turned, the chair fell and hit him upside the head. It was pretty funny.
         
        As Michaels laid upon the ground, VKM leaned in close and informed him that next week, Triple H will face Umaga. No one heard it but Shawn and the cameraman.  It probably would have gotten a good pop if they did it on the house microphone, but why get the crowd excited? What’s the big deal anyway? They don’t always have to be happy, right? Screw ‘em.
         
        The owner and his son pose over Shawn Michaels as we fade to black.
         
        All in all…If you liked wrestling, you probably weren’t too happy tonight.
         
        It seemed like everyone had something to say and everyone was saying it. The Foley-Flair segment, while good, was still just more of the same. There’s been no forward momentum and it all seems to be the same arguments each week. While I thought this week’s segment was one of the better ones, it still doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t necessarily needed. Considering all the other interview time these two have had, it’s just getting to be overkill. That being said, I still think this feud is coming off strangely with Foley as the heel. Flair’s “Space Mountain” comment was greeted with boos all around. Why? Because it’s a heelish thing to say. The guy is wrestling’s classic heel and Foley is wrestling’s hairy teddy bear. It just doesn’t seem natural to book it the way it is.
         
        The Orton Knows Best thing was bad too. It was good for the first few minutes. Then it took a sharp downturn. The big thing I can’t stand in wrestling is the impersonator syndrome. It goes like this:
         
        Wrestler hires someone to parody his opponent. Wrestler invites impersonator out. Impersonator makes fun of wrestler’s opponent. Wrestler beats up impersonator. Wrestler expects heat.

        Why? Why would the crowd boo you for beating up someone who’s making fun of their hero? I don’t get it. Don’t tell me that it’s because the person “symbolizes their hero” because that makes no sense at all. If the impersonator is “symbolizing” them, then they wouldn’t make fun of them.
         
        It’s not new. They did this in 1994 when Roddy Piper fought Jerry Lawler at King of the Ring. Lawler hired a guy to impersonate Piper and then beat him up. At the pay-per-view, Roddy invited the kid to ringside for him because he felt bad about how Lawler had treated him. It made absolutely no sense. No mention of how the kid had said that Piper’s family should star in “Hell Comes To Dogtown.” Nope. Nothing. It seems that impersonators in wrestling are immune to any logic at all. They exist on their own logic level. One that we can’t understand. It’s friggin’ cosmic.
         
        Who else talked? Matt Striker talked. There’s nothing worse than a jobber with prematch mic time. Simon Dean is another example. If you’re winning matches, you should do prematch spiels. If you’re losing weekly, you’re just wasting time by talking. Fans tune you out and you don’t get “heat” for it. You get snoring for it. They need to put Striker into a tag team quick. He’s got the TV time and the skills, if you pair him right with another midcard guy, you could create something worth pushing.
         
        The Umaga push continues and the ending of tonight’s show was a great moment in his career. Glad to see it and hopefully this will be a main eventer that truly stands out from the

        (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
      • Freeze
        By James Guttman Aug 8, 2006, 01:09 Dear Mr. McDaddy, I am back home and happy to be getting back on my feet after giving birth. Things have been great here.
        Message 3 of 5 , Aug 8, 2006
          By James Guttman
          Aug 8, 2006, 01:09
           
          Dear Mr. McDaddy,
           
          I am back home and happy to be getting back on my feet after giving birth. Things have been great here. Hunter ran out and got me some Nerds Rope and the new issue of US Weekly. Sweet! Anyway, I spoke to the writing team about the impending return of Jeff Hardy.Just like we did with Brock Lesnar, we’ve compiled a list of possible gimmicks and situations for Jeff. They are all documented below.
           
          Although not noted, the writers think it might be a good idea to introduce a masked tag team as a part of a Hardy-lead stable. They think we should call them “Jeff Hardy’s Demons.” He could sic them on people. Then, down the line, they can turn on him and he can “battle his demons.” Get it? We love it! Puns friggin’ rule!
          Love and Screeches,
          Stephanie
          Sorry

          Name: Medium Bastard
           
           
          Reason: The Leprechaun thing has really taken off. To be honest, we don’t know if we can top it.
           
          Rationale: We didn’t want to call him “Big Bastard” just in case we’re able to sign Ultimate Warrior, Brock Lesnar, Bruno Sammartino, L. Brent Bozell, or Ted Turner. “Big Bastard” is too good to be wasted. Gotta save that trump card.
           
          Storyline Concept: We explain that for the last few years, Jeff has been going to Leprechaun school. He’s been learning how to guard rainbows, steal Lucky Charms, and force fair maidens to spin yarn. Now that he’s returned to WWE, he wants his brother, Matt, to do the same. Matt refuses. Maybe. We don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t. Whatever. We really don’t care about Matt Hardy. Sorry. He’s just not one of our “faves,” ya know?

          Name: Ulk Ogan
           
           
          Reason:  Becaus! e you-kn ow-who will probably slime out of his Summerslam match.
           
          Rationale:  It's not copyright infringement because no one owns the rights to "Ulk Ogan."  But...say it out loud.  Say it.  Sounds like a name we know, doesn't it?  Muwahahahahaha!
           
          Storyline Concept:  Hulk Hogan disappears off of TV.  We tell everyone that he got a disease and lost 100 pounds.  We then introduce Ulk.  At no point do we say that Ulk is Hulk, but we can be like, "The Hulkster is out of action.  But now let's welcome ULK OGAN!"  You get it?  We didn't say he was Hulk. Just that he's debuting.  Nice, right?  You like that.  Oh yeah.  You know you do.

          Name: Samoa Jeff
           
           
          Reason: It’s based on the “Samoa” Girl Scout Cookies.
           
          Rationale: There are some people who will flip out over it because of …well, you know why. You like conflict like that though. Maybe you’ll start caring again.
           
          Storyline Concept: Crowd chants “Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!” He tells opponents, “I’m gonna kill you! But then, I’m going to give you some cookies.” Maybe we can have Jamie Noble follow him with a camera or something. We can call it “Pop-Up Crotch Seat Productions.”

          Name: Jo-Jo No-Show From Idaho
           
           
          Reason: He’s gonna stop coming to shows eventually.
           
          Rationale: We might as well turn it into a gimmick. That way we can just tell the crowd, “Yeah, well, he’s Jo-Jo No-Show. That’s what he does.”
           
          Storyline Concept:  None really. We figured we can bill him from Idaho that way we could finally fire Torrie Wilson and still have a hometown star when we go to there.

          Name: "Ashley"
           < /div>
           
          Reason: This chick keeps getting hurt.
           
          Rationale: They replaced Becky on Roseanne and no one freaked out. Same thing with Aunt Viv on Fresh Prince.
           
          Storyline Concept: This one is good. We swap in Jeff with Ashley and no one notices. Then, once we want to get rid of him and Matt, we can book them in a skit where they have to make out with each other. When they say “no,” we can fire them. (* On the off-chance that they agree, we can just have them killed.)

          Name: George Jefferson Hardy
           
           
          Reason: It’s nostalgia, baby! Disco Duck! Oooo yeah!
           
          Rationale: People love George Jefferson. He’s really popular with the young people today. Our studies show that teens are really into the Jeffersons. (* Study was conducted by asking the kid who works at Dunkin Donuts what TV shows he watches)
           
          Storyline Concept: George Jefferson Hardy owns a chain of dry cleaners and flies to the ring in his “Jefferson Airplane," alongside his wife, "Weezie" (Played by Thea "Mama Benjamin" Vidal).  We’re also working on bringing in Honky Tonk Man so George can call him “Honky.” 

          Name: Aurora Rose
           
           
          Reason: We have to keep her name out there so that when she turns nine, we can book her to win the Raw title and no one will think it’s nepotism.
           
          Rationale: The 4400 did a storyline this year where a girl was born and then aged 20 years in the first few weeks. We actually thought of that idea before the 4400 did, but we…well, that’ s a lie. We didn’t think of it first, but we liked it a lot so we wanna take it. Besides, no one in Hollywood is watching Raw anyway so won’t get caught.
           
          Storyline Concept: Using his mighty powers, Vince McMahon injects baby Aurora with the power of Titan Tower. She ages instantly and begins to strike down all who cross her. When the real McGranddaughter is ready to make her debut, we’ll just book the fake Aurora (Jeff) in a skit where he makes out with Matt Hardy. 

          Well, hopefully that put you in the mood for Jeff Hardy’s big return. No? Well, no big deal. Tonight’s about other things. What other things? Umaga things. That’s because the Samoan Bulldozer will, uh, bulldoze his way into the main event and face off against DeGeneration X’s Triple H. Will the Game finally face his downfall in the form of Sivi Afi with a thyroid disorder? Has the Spirit Squad pepped themselves into a corner now that they have raised the ire of the Bushlanders? Does Ric Flair have something to say to Mick Foley? Does Mick Foley have something to say back? Will they say it? Are Edge and Lita prepared to do what it takes to keep the WWE Raw Title away from “The Doctor of Hostile Crowds” John Cena? Can the immortal Hulk Hogan finally shut the mouth of Ran…oh. What? He’s not there? Oh. Nevermind. No. No, he can’t. Well, again, no big deal. There’s so much on our plate tonight and we better dig in before it gets cold. Grab a fork, a knife, and a napkin. It’s time to chow down on some Monday Night Grub and Vinnie Mac has made it just the way you like it. Raw. Mmmmm. Salmonella, take me away…
           
          Last week, Shawn Michaels was beaten up by the McMahons and Umaga. No one saved him, not even God. When reached for comment, God said “To be honest, I don’t really like him all that much. The leather chaps bother me. I just can‘t get past that.”
           
          Slap your grandma in the face with a cheese sandwich, kids. Raw is live and in Memphis, Tennessee. As we peer at Graceland, Jerry Lawler tells us that we’re looking at an institution. It’s the home of Elvis Presley and a respected landmark. I’m surprised that we’re one minute into the show and no one has dressed up like Elvis yet.
           
          9:02pm: Vince and Shane McMahon are dressed like Elvis and posing backstage. Big Mac joins his boy in a rendition of “All Shook Up” before laughing about what they did to Triple H last week. They set him up and it was sweet! So sweet, in fact, that Vinnie did an off-key chorus of Jailhouse Rock. At this point, a theme is starting to develop. After doing a few more Presley tunes, including Heartbreak Hotel and Don‘t Be Cruel, the duo reminded us that Umaga meets Mr. H tonight. Vin and his kid sing a bit more before giving the audience an ominous “Elvis has left the building.” This segment actually reminded me of one of my favorite promos ever as a kid. It was the Honky Tonk Man’s interview at the 1988 NBC Main Event show before his match with Randy Savage. It was all about how he wanted to kidnap Elizabeth, but had a musical theme.  He went through all the Elvis songs with Jimmy Hart egging him on.
           
          And where’s that hound dog Randy gonna be?
           
          In the ghettooooo…
           
          Ah. Good stuff. Hey Truck! Roll the theme.
           
           
          Hello there. It’s Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler once again. Things are on fire as Raw gets kicked off. It’s Triple H going one on one with the monster Umaga. Then from there, it’s Jerry Lawler stepping into the ring against The Legend Killer Randy Orton. Also, as reported on the Interweb, Hulk Hogan is out of action and we’ll have an update on his condition later on in the show. Doctors are obviously concerned over Hogan’s injury, as every injury is considered serious when you’re 104 years old.
           
          First match up is Mickie James against Trish Stratus. Before it begins, Lawler and Ross giggle over the silly 1999 study that ties wrestling to “date fighting.” Both men wonder what date fighting is. I would imagine that it has something to do with a small fruit. Before we can really get into the absurd nature of said study, we get interrupted by the Heavyweight Champion of the World.
           
          Cue the Heavyweight Champion of the World.
           
          Uh, John Cena?
           
          No.
           
          Ummm…Brock Lesnar?
           
          No!
           
          Damn. Who the hell is…? Uhhhhh…..Mike Tyson?
           
          Dude, it’s Edge. Cue Edge!
           
          Oh. OK. Fine. How am I supposed to know? I stopped watching this show after the Rock left.
           
          Edge is here and he’s ordering the show and match stopped right now! He is the WWE Champion so he can call the shots. Mickie, get the eff out of this ring. Because, as of this moment, Adam Copeland owns Raw! Yeah! Complete ownage!
           
          The new Emperor of Raw has a few things he needs to say and Miss Stratus best be on hand to hear them. Adam is sick of getting no respect. It’s not fair! For instance, he has to defend his WWE title against John Cena at Summerslam…in Cena's hometown of Boston! Not only that, but Copeland has to worry about the match stipulation. In a bizarre booking move, the stip states that if Edge is DQed, the belt goes to J.C. (JG Note: As I said last week, it’s a poor choice for stipulation because the hero shouldn’t want to win the title on a disqualification. Instead, he should demand a no-DQ match. Maybe a hardcore match. Something with fire or a bullrope. Who cares? All I know is that Johnny should be making a stink and demanding a shot without a disqualification rule. Put something on a pole and go to school. None of this sissy-mary-if- you-get-disquali fied garbage.)
           
          The Champ goes on to whine about his treatment on Raw. You want proof that Copeland is overlooked? Check out this cheesy-ass Summerslam poster.
           
          Cope unveils a ridiculous, but legitimate, SummerSlam poster.  DX is on the BBQ while The Doctor of Thuganomics is diving into a pool with a ridiculous cornball look on his face.  The Champion explains:
           
          “Oh. Look what we have here. Who’s front and center? Why it’s DX, of course. Naturally. They have to be. Oh and look, they’re holding hot dogs. How original and funny and cute. Oh Lita, please hold me up, I’m laughing so hard. Oh and look at that. There’s the challenger to the WWE Championship, John Cena. And of course, he’s in his natural pose looking like a complete idiot. Oh and Trish, Trish. There you are. There you are, Trish. Oh and we have to get Batista on there before he gets injured again.”
          - Edge, 9:11pm
           
          Hahahahahaha! Great stuff here. Cena looks seriously ridiculous on the poster. You gotta see it. The promo was done really well. It was a way to say some “inside-like” comments without stepping out of character or truly burying anyone. Nice. The gist here is that The R Rated Superstar feels slighted because he didn’t get a chance to tool himself out on a SummerSlam poster. No way, eh! That’s why he figured that he’d be the one shown on the cover of the new WWE Magazine. Guess what? Nah ah! Again A.C. was overlooked. Instead of the WWE Champion in a bikini, fans had to settle for Trish in a bikini! What the frig! That’s total disrespect. Angered at her boyfriend’s treatment, Lita steps up.  She walks up to Stratus, who's standing off in the corner, and offers to remove “the trash from the ring.”
           
          There’s a brief scuffle between Dumas and Strats before Edge stepped in to "break it up." Once he did, Miss Amy rushed in and hit a Spear. Trisha fell down, went boom, and was then stood back up. It appeared the World Champion was going to nail Trish Stratus.
           
          With a Spear.
           
          Just as Adam rushed in, Carlito sprung from the back. Like a knight in afro’d armor, Carl defended Trish but got beat down for his troubles. Edgar Cage and Miss Congeniality leave the scene while the happy couple roll around in pain.
           
          Commercial Break. See this guy starring in this movie.
           
          It’s time for the Battle of Groundhogs. So named for an analogy brought fourth by Jim Ross comparing this match to the movie Groundhog Day, only with different groundhogs. Last week there were other groundhogs. Now we have these. Get the meaning? No? Confused? It’s ok. Melina is here and she’s spread eagle on the announcers table. Just stare at that. Groundhogs shmoundhogs.
           
          Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro settles in with Split Girl to watch the action. First man out is Shelton Benjamin. He’s wearing his Rock Halloween costume as he awaits the introduction of his opponent. That man is Kane. Let the games begin.
           
          1) Kane pinned Shelton Benjamin after a Chokeslam
           
          Before the match even got underway, Kane was attacked. With his red lights beaming and his pyro shooting, The Big Red Machine was bulldogged by a determined Shelton. At first, this match seemed like a really poor way to bring Kane-o back into the mix. The thing with a guy like him is that people will accept him in whatever role you present him. If you have him return to the show and get treated like a main eventer, people will see him as that. If you have him fight for a shot at the IC belt in a mid card role, people will see him as that. He has enough of a backstory and a name that fans will get behind him if they make him into a big deal. He can definitely handle it. Considering all the crappy storylines he’s survived, imagine what he’d do with some good material. That being said, maybe he needs another IC run to get him back on top.  Oh, did I mention he won?  How? Well, he got it done with a little help from a friend we call Mr. Chokeslam.

          Commercial Break. Goodbye, AOL!
          A Few Years Ago
           
          Hey John, that “Word Life” song is getting played out. You need a new theme song.
           
          OK. Hey. I have an idea. You like Adam Sandler?
          Yeah.
           
          Well you know how he does gibberish talk and goes “SHABA DOO!”
           
          Yeah. That’s funny. I loved Billy Madison.
           
          Me too. Let’s start the new theme song out with that.
           
          John Cena is in the ring and he’s got some things to say. First and foremost, Edge seems to be upset over the Summerslam poster. Sorry, Adam. Market research was done and WWE discovered that “your face scares small children.” (JG Note: Bada boom ching.) As for Lita, well she got a deal with 7-11. Now when people get a cold beverage, they can see the sign declaring “Slurpees For Herpes.” Um. OK. After doing some more of his Last Comic Standing Act, the former WWE Champion tells the R Rated Superstar to be happy with his first magazine cover. It was C.B.I. - Crying Bitch Illustrated.
           
          From there we go up to CBI on the Titantron and, yes, it’s another WWE Photoshop piece. Second week in a row. Nice. They must realize that chicks dig the photoshop. Pimps cut and paste, baby.
           
          John’s thrilled that the SummerSlam. PPV is in Beantown. However, he doesn’t care where it is. Hell, it can be right here tonight in Memphis. You wanna flap your gums all night? Screw that. Bring your R Rated Rear out here now.
           
          This brings out…the Coach. John Coachman is clad in a suit and has a microphone in hand as he informs Dr. Poopdeck that Edge is already booked tonight. The WWE Champion is taking part in a mixed tag match pitting himself and Lita against Trish and Carlito. Yeah. Sorry, man. Don’t fret, my pet. You still have a match on the horizon. Your opponent is the one and only Viscera! (JG Note: Men on a Mission’s Mabel vs. John Cena. All we need now is PG-13 and PN News and we’ll have a complete set.)
           
          2) John Cena pinned Viscera after an F-U
           
          Viscera’s purple pajamas look horrible. They’re a terrible choice for his ring wear. He’s a big barney with a Mohawk. It just seems insane that they have a 500 pound guy on the roster and they can’t get him over no matter what they do. It’s hard to imagine. After all, he’s played a gay rapist and wears pajamas when he wrestles. What’s not to like? Jim Ross says that this would be “a major upset if he were to beat John Cena 13 days before Summerslam.” (JG Note: Uh, I would say it would be a major upset if Viscera beat John Cena 1300 days before Summerslam.) This one wasn’t as bad as you would imagine and the crowd helped out a bit. All seemed dark for the Doctor of Thuganomics. Vis stood over him and gyrated his hips. He then dove onto Cena, seemingly ready to slam his face into the former Champion’s butt. However, Johnny rolled away and hit an F-U. No joke. He hit the F-U. It was pretty impressive. Say what you want about J.C.’s promos and stuff, but when it comes to stepping up and going the extra mile physically, this kid’s no joke. We get a sick F-U on the Banana in Pajamas and the ref counts out the three.
           
          Still to come: Sika faces Ole Anderson. Also, Trish Stratus and Carlito take on Edge and Lita.
           
          Commercial Break. Tomorrow night Kurt Angle meets Sabu. Let’s all hope they don’t drive to the arena together.
           
          This week in history - The Showdown in Shea featuring Andre the Giant vs. Hulk Hogan. At what point did we stop pretending that WrestleMania 3 was their first match? I must have missed the email on that one.
           
          In the leather couch room, Vince McMahon is talking to a team of fake cops. He and his boy remind the officer impersonators that DX is a danger to the show. Do your thing and bounce those beeotches from the building! Once the order is given, Shane leaves to make a phone call. No need to worry, pops. Your son will just be outside the door. Vincent “Foreshadowing” McMahon calls out “Be careful” as the door closes.
           
          Backstage, Carlito Cool is trying to calm down an irate Trish Stratus. She’s incensed over Lita and in one of the funnier moments of the night, Uber-White Trish tells Carly that she’s going to go down to the ring and “whoop that trick.” In case you missed it, she says it again. "Whoop that trick."  Even Coolio seemed perplexed over that one.  After rambling briefly, Stratus grabs Sideshow Bob and plants a big wet kiss on him. He smiles and she leaves. Man…guys with toilet brush heads get all the girls.
           
          Shane is done with his phone call to 976-Santa and hangs up his phone.  After the call, he decided to walk the hallway and call out Shawn Michaels. Shane-o Insane-o bellows for The Boy Toy but is met with blank stares from both The Highlanders. When he runs into Torrie Wilson and Candice Michele, they too deny seeing HBK. Instead they make goo-goo eyes at little Mac and, content with taking his dad’s on-air sloppy seconds, he says he’s see them later. On the third cry for Shawn, Shaney starts to re-enter the office. For some reason, this is when Michaels chose to attack. They roll into the room and into the feet of waiting fake cops. Uh oh. Looks like Shawn’s in trouble. He might be going to the slammer. Making matters worse is that he’s already found Jesus, so now he’s not going to have anything to do in jail.  Pity him during the commercial.
           
          Commercial Break. Hey. Hey you. See this hot chick? Wanna rub your face on her? Yeah? Use Lectric Shave. Do it. She’ll let you rub her. We promise.
           
          Shawn Michaels has crazy, frazzled, old lady hair as he’s lead away by “officers.” The unapologetic Degenerate profusely apologies but is still taken to “jail.” Even Triple H can’t convince the coppers to release his buddy. Can you believe that?! They wouldn’t listen to Hunter. Don’t they know who he is?
           
          Edge appears on Comedy Central’s Mind of Mencia this Sunday.  While there, I heard he tried to bang Cartman's mom.
           
          3) Edge and Lita defeated Trish Stratus and Carlito when Lita pinned Trish
           
          They do this Trish on-air boyfriend thing all the time. You’d think that it would help to raise her up in the eyes of fans. While it does, it also lames up the person she’s teaming with. I mean, you know that Carlito isn’t going to be winning any titles soon. You get mixed tags and segments week after week leading to a kiss. It’s the same old formula. She did it with Chris Jericho and tons of other divas have done it too. The real selling point to things like this are the payoff. Either the girl and guy go separate ways and no one really cares or else someone turns on the other. How it ends can make or break the whole thing. The finish to this one was done well and seemed to set up a twist in the story. Edge leaned back and set up Carlito for a Spear. Carly moved and Trish found herself spiked to the ground. Down and out, the crushed Diva was easy pickens for a Lita pinfall. After the bell, we watch the Spear again on instant replay. Why? Because we like date violence. You read the study.
           
          Still to come: Hunter Kennedy Helmsley takes on  Oooo Maga. Also, Lawler-Orton. But most importantly, we’ll have an update on the condition of ULK OGAN! Oh, wait. Wait. Sorry. That’s Hulk Hogan. Hulk - Hogan. Sorry for any confusion.
           
          Commercial Break. The Diva Search Finals are on Wednesday, August 16th. At this point, it seems like the winner of this competition gets screwed. By the time the thing ends, all the girls who got voted out early and signed to contracts will have three weeks of OVW experience already.
           
          On last week’s Smackdown, The Great Gazoo Khali attacked The Undertaker and was promptly challenged to a Last Man Standing match. Yay. I was worried that we might not get to see this match. If they really want to sell me on this Khali thing, they should let him wear Giant Gonzales’ old Slim Goodbody outfit. Then I’d buy the pay-per-view. Hell, I’d buy two of ‘em!
           
          Jerry Lawler’s seat is now empty. Uncle Jer is off getting ready for his match with Randy Orton. Speaking of Randy, his Summerslam Challenger Hulk Hogan is apparently injured. Ouch! Tenay goes backstage to Borash who says that because of the injury, Jarrett’s match with the Hulkster might not happen. Oh no. Orton doesn’t like hearing that his match might be called off so he walks right up to Todd Grisham and lays down the law. Hogan truly does “know best.” He knows that he’ll get the red and yellow snot beaten out of him if he comes to pay-per-view. You want proof? Keep your eye on Jerry The King tonight. He’s about to get Ortonized!
           
          Whoooo!
           
          You OK?
           
          Yeah, phew. Sorry. Just had a heart murmur.
           
          Ric Flair’s music plays out and he struts through the curtain. He’s holding a book. Great. Nothing like TV wrestling feuds based on old books. The Nature Boy lets the crowd in on a little secret. He was actually born in Memphis, Tennessee. Yup.  That’s right. Now here’s some more secrets.  You see, for the last ten years, Flair has been trying to figure out what makes a guy like Mick Foley tick. That's right, but make no mistake, Slick Ric doesn’t want to be like Sick Mick. He wants to know how to get him to agree to a Summerslam match. Yeah.  He wants to figure out how to get in Mankind's head.  Luckily, someone gave the Kiss Stealing former Evolutionary some sound advice.  That person said to read Cactus' book.  So Flair did.  After explaining all this, guess what Ric did.  Go on.  Guess.
           
          He beat up the book. I’m not kidding. He dropped an elbow on it and bounced off the ropes with a knee drop. Ric Flair is friggin’ nuts. What’s even funnier is that I’m almost used to seeing him do things like this. It was classic Flair.  He just needed to strip into his underwear and pass out to make it complete.
           
          Once he had outwrestled the autobiography, Naitch tore it to shreds and then winged it into the audience. With his face turning redder with each moment, Flair went into how Foley was actually a Nature Boy Fan. Yeah! Mankind idolized him! Check out page 169. Cactus Jack says it himself! On his top ten wrestling matches list, he lists Terry Funk vs. Ric Flair in the classic 1989 “I Quit Match.” Ha! Got you! You like Ric Flair! Ha! Ha! Micky and Ricky sitting in a tree…F-U-C…hold on. Mick’s here. He doesn’t look happy.
           
          Dirty and disheveled, Mick Foley has arrived with some words for his foe. You got something right, Nature. Foley once idolized you! Your match with Funk was off the chain, son! You were a better wrestler than Folio ever was. You know one thing, though. You know that if you two were to hook it up at SummerSlam, it would steal the damn show! It would put your name right back up at the top of the roster again, old man. It’s for that reason alone that Cactus is denying you. He That’s right. Dude Love doesn’t want to give you the rub! He doesn’t want you to be a star! Just like you did to Mick in WCW, you’re being held back. Because you buried him back then, Foley made himself a promise never to put your Horsemen butt over again! That means that you ain’t getting a PPV classic against Mr. Socko’s Dad. No way. Cackie Jackie ain’t wasting a match on the likes of you. Unless you can think of some sort of spectacular match, then you best kiss Dude Love’s behind. Have a nice d….hold on.
           
          Flair isn’t letting Melina’s friend off that easy. You can’t give it up, Mick! You can’t give up the taste of the blood! You can’t give up the thumbtacks and concussions! Give Ric one more hardcore match! Do it at Summerslam! If you do, you’ll get the greatest hardcore match in history! The Dirtiest Player in the Game promises it!
           
          Mankind runs down all the reasons he has for wanting to pummel Flair before naming the match himself. Let’s do it, Spartacus. Let’s do it at SummerSlam. That’s right. Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley in an…I Quit Match! Have a nice d…hold on again.
           
          Foley stops the music so he can talk some more. Flair talks back. So much talking. I can’t wait until they just wrestle. I feel like I’ve heard them talk more in the last month than I’ve heard some of my friends talk. I get it. This guy doesn’t like thumbtacks. This guy likes Melina. Now go beat each other up for my amusement.
          Up next: The old guy that creeps out the Divas faces the young guy that creeps out the Divas.
           
          Commercial Break. Castrol GTX.  Looks like Jägermeister.  Doesn't taste like it though.
           
          4) Randy Orton pinned Jerry Lawler after an RKO.
           
          Lawler was dressed all in white and sort of looked like a ballerina. Anyway, the point of this match was to get Jerry in front of his hometown crowd and let him do his spots before putting over a younger wrestler. Say what you want about the King, but he can still do his thing in the ring. He’s a genuine legend and his “puppy” stuff is enough to make you forget about that sometimes. He held his own against Orton and seemed to have things really going his way. When Randall went for his patented RKO, Jer pushed him away. Unfortunately, he pushed him right into the ref. While the official regained his bearings, The Legend Killer spun around and hit the 74 time USWA Champion with a low blow. Lord Horndog crumbled and was then snapped to the canvas with an RKO. Three seconds later and the hometown boy goes down in front of his peeps. Way to represent, Kingfish.
           
          Commercial Break. Jeff Hardy is coming back. He decided he likes wrestling again.
           
          Hoorah! Hoorah! Mike the Mizerable is here for another one of his suddenly condensed live Diva Search segments. After allowing all the Wanna-divas to spin around, Spike Mike shares the bad news. The one who is going home this week is Arlene.
           
          Psyche. There is now Arlene. Just testing you. In reality, tonight’s eliminated trick is none other than…Erica. Aw.
           
          Once she leaves, Mike lets the ladies know that they’re about to play “Dis The Diva.” That game will take place…in a few minutes.
           
          Now I’m confused as we go down to J.R. on SummerSlam Sales Pitch duty. I’m guessing that they’re telling the Diva’s not to say the C-Word. Last time that happened, it got on TV and then some jerk put it in a book.
           
          …And we’re back. Let’s star with the first Diva Dis. You’re up, Sheila.
           
          Gotcha again. No Sheila. First one up is Jen.
           
          Jen says that she’s a kitty and asks if anyone wants to tame her. Uh, I have two cats. I don’t really get turned on by the imagery there, Jen.
           
          After her is Leyla. She says that she has “more ass” than the other girls. She then rambles about kissing her ass and going in the ring. It makes no sense.  The audience boos. Good job, Leyla.
           
          Then comes Milena. Clad in her black cowboy hat, Millie says that she knows Judo and can kick ass. Randy Orton makes a mental note not to crap in her luggage.
           
          Finally, the microphone goes to J.T. Then it happens. The greatest monologue of the night:
           
          “Well let me start off by saying I don’t need to tell you what I do or what I’m about. We all know that I’m down. I am perfect for this job. I don’t need to talk about I can buy it. I don’t need to tell you what I do behind. I told you already. You guys go look at me and tell you I’m reading to go. I don’t need to dress up in glitz and glam….Boo! Keep me going, baby.”
           
          - J.T., 10:50pm
           
          Awesome. You had to hear it. The transcript doesn’t do it justice. She delivers her lines like a slurring robot and throws in an awkward twirl as the crowd boos. Michael Michael Motorcycle gives his well-memorized voting instructions and sends us back to a recap of tonight’s DX-McMahon conflict.
           
          After the video package, we see Umaga walking to ring. He is backed by Armando, Shane McMahon, and Vince. Although it was just a pre-match walking scene, it still looked pretty cool. Maga plays the Game…next!
           
          Commercial Break. Chicken Fries is supposedly this brand new concept. I love Chicken Fries…especially when they’re called Chicken Fingers.
           
          Memphis is alive with the sound of Umaga. Mr. Minute and a Half is here and he’s ready to face the challenge of the one and only Triple H.
           
          Time to pick the Game!
           
          5) Umaga pinned Triple H after the Samoan Spike.
           
          I have to be honest. This match was really intriguing. Anytime Hunter goes into a contest with an up and comer, it’s interesting. It started off with both men trading offense. Ross was all alone on commentary here as Jerry Lawler was still having his testicles examined after Randy Orton’s low blow. So while the King was off having fun, the main event was going down and J.R. knew why. The motive is obviously Triple H’s condition. The McMahons want him beaten down before Summerslam and they are having the mighty Jamal do their dirty work. Just like HBK last week, Hunter Hearst Helmsley was the victim of Vinnie Mac’s cold and calculated planning. The King of Kings seemed ready to be put out of his misery when things suddenly seemed to turn around in his favor. Mr. Stephanie turned the tide and tried to lock Umy in a Pedigree. The Islander reversed it into a backdrop, but still failed to maintain control. Sideburns McGameface rallied back and ended up covering the Bulldozer Man for what seemed to be a three count…
           
          …until Armando Alejandro Estrada yanked the referee from the ring. With Maggie’s manager taking out the official, Hunt was fair game - ahem - for Shane McMahon to run in and attack. He did, but it did no good. Gameboy took him down with a Spinebuster and then turned to Vince, who was now in the ring. He set the chairman up for a Pedigree, but Jamala ran in and thumbed him in the throat. Trips fell and was pinned by the still-undefeated Savage. No foolies? No foolies.
           
          After the bell, Trippo was decimated by the gloating McMahons. Vince hit his son-in-law with a Pedigree and then strutted away from the ring the K.o.K. rolled around in agony. Fade to black.
           
          All in all…This was a good Raw. It wasn’t only because Umaga beat Hunter either.
           
          It was good in that WWE got characters and situations over before a pay-per-view. Take John Cena. With his character as it is, John’s only saving grace is that he’s a powerful, jacked up guy. That’s his real hook. He delivers cornball lines but ultimately is a built guy that can pick up 500 pound Viscera and F-U him to the mat. If the cheapsauce lines make them all boo, then the raw feats of strength will make them cheer. Hey. At least things are balancing out now.
           
          It’s the exact opposite situation that’s working in Edge’s favor. The WWE Champion isn’t big. He’s actually kinda small in the world of WWE. Sure, it you saw him on the street, he’d be bigger than most guys out there, but in World Wrestling Entertainment, he’s not the resident muscleman. What gets Edge over is his personality. Seeing him carry on as a villain makes you wonder why they ever had him play a good guy. Between his facial expressions and semi-shoot comments, Copeland has carved out a spot on the roster that keeps him high in the minds of fans. This guy has had a 2006 like no one else. It’s definitely been his year and he deserves it.
           
          No Hulk Hogan? I don’t know. I don’t have any comment on this until it plays out. It just seems strange how this happens a lot with Hulk. That’s all.
           
          The way Triple H and Shawn Michaels have jobbed to Umaga these last few weeks has been great in terms of how they look coming out of it. They both have retained credibility and used the losses to build their feud for the PPV. It’s a really well thought out trade-off that helps everyone involved. If there has to be a criticism, it could be how the McMahons are still the last image shown on the broadcasts despite Umaga going over. However, that’s not the big story. The big story is that a new character has defeated John Cena, Ric Flair, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels all in a matter of months. It’s what they tried to do with Chris Masters, only now it’s being done with a gimmick that isn’t cookie-cutter muscleman style. Long term, it can only mean good things. Think about it like this. If he’s beaten all those guys, then who’s going to be the one to finally take him down as the true foil? Who will be the Kurt Angle to his Brock Lesnar? The Austin to his Rock? The top name that pops in my head is Bobby Lashley, which is pretty cool to think about. It would certainly symbolize the first genuine step in a new direction. I feel like that hasn’t really happened in the last decade.
           
          So there you go. Good stuff. I didn’t fall asleep so "Hoorah" to that. While you’re here, be sure to check out the current edition of JG's Radio Free Insanity featuring Scott Steiner. It’s one of the hardest hitting episodes yet. Scotty shoots straight on Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and others. It’s free and available now by clicking the “Radio Free Insanity” button on the top of the page. Also, remember that you can get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book right through the site when you click on the Book button.
           
          Thanks again for reading. Be sure to check back tomorrow night for Mallory Mahling’s real time ECW Report. It’s Angle. It’s Sabu…and it’s tomorrow. It’s not now. That means I’m out. Be well!
        • Freeze
          death sentence? By Zack Zeigler August 28, 2006 The McMahons didn’t become a superpower in sports-entertainment by rolling over when adversity stood in
          Message 4 of 5 , Aug 29, 2006
             death sentence?
            By Zack Zeigler
            August 28, 2006

            The McMahons didn’t become a superpower in sports-entertainment by rolling over when adversity stood in their path, and when RAW ended, Mr. McMahon showed DX that he’d reach into his bag of “unlimited resources” to ensure their demise. Mr. McMahon utilized three SmackDown guns for hire—Mr. Kennedy, U.S. Champion Finlay and Sir William Regal and ECW World Champion Big Show, along with his trusty lead pipe, to leave DX a bloody mess.
            Following the massacre, the Chairman announced he and Shane would be getting back into the ring with their arch nemeses. The McMahons will team up with the largest athlete in the world Big Show to face DX in a Hell in a Cell Match. In all likelihood, this match will take place at Unforgiven, but at press time, that was not announced.
            The Chairman was supposed to have the night off to relax in his posh Atlantic City hotel suite after Shawn Michaels and Triple H nearly broke him down last week on RAW. Shane was running the show in his father’s absence and vowed he’d get revenge on DX for how they nearly forced his father into insanity.
            Shane told Michaels and Triple H that they’d be competing on RAW, but kept their opponents a secret until it was time for the match to begin. Then, he reacquainted the same three SmackDown thugs that were sent to wear down DX before the SummerSlam match with the McMahons. The tactic didn’t work at SummerSlam, and it failed again on RAW.
            In the match, the SmackDown Superstars used their three-on-two numbers advantage – well, three and a half person advantage counting Finlay’s Little Bastard – and took turns trying to wear their opponents down. But, after Sir Regal tried to hit Triple H with a chair and accidentally hit Finlay, The Game took advantage and delivered a Pedigree for the pinfall. 
            Before DX could celebrate, Shane came out from the locker room and sent out ECW World Champion Big Show. HBK and Triple H used their numbers to subdue the 500-pound Extremist, but when the SmackDown gang awoke, the numbers were again used against DX.
            Finlay entered the ring with his shillelagh in hand and began using it wildly. That set up a chokeslam on Triple H from Big Show. As they continued to beat down HBK, the Chairman made his way to the ring.
            Earlier in the night, Mr. McMahon was enjoying some wine and room service where he heard a noise…a crowing noise. As soon as he uncovered what he thought was his steak dinner, two roosters were caged inside of his posh hotel suite. The sound seemed to send him into a trance—and the spell didn’t leave his face as he strutted to the ring carrying a lead pipe in his hands.
            This wasn’t the normal McMahon strut that the Chairman normally carries. It was as if the only thing that mattered was destroying DX. It was focused, yet aloof—like he was programmed to attack.
            Inside the ring, he busted Triple H’s head open with the pipe, and then proceeded to choke him with it until The Game fell to the mat in a pool of his own blood.
            Then it was HBK’s turn; smashing him in the head with a television camera that caused blood to pour from Michaels’ head. The physical dissection of D-Generation X had taken place; exactly what the Chairman has longed for since they reunited in June.
            But Mr. McMahon wasn’t finished.
            “You think this is over? It’s not over until I say it’s over,” shouted the Chairman. “This time it will be Hell in the Cell,” he screamed as he continued to deliver blows with the pipe. 
            The McMahons – specifically Mr. McMahon – proved again that when it comes to DX, they won’t quit until the job is done and the duo of Shawn Michaels and Triple H are destroyed once and for all. Has sanity finally left Mr. McMahon? Is the figurative death of DX the only thing that keeps him going anymore?
            A match that was indeed set for Unforgiven was a Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match between WWE Champion Edge and John Cena.
            After being dumped into the polluted water of the Long Island Sound by Cena last week on RAW, the Rated R Superstar whined to the Chairman’s son about having Cena fired.
            “I want John Cena out of my life. I’m sick of him. I want him gone,” complained the champion.
            But before Edge could whine anymore, Cena came to the ring with a three-year contract that would relocate him to SmackDown if he lost against Edge.
            “If you beat me, I’ll sign on the dotted line and I am out of your life,” said Cena.
            After a few moments of deliberation, the Rated R Superstar agreed—with two stipulations. One, he chooses the type of match; two, he chooses where the match takes place.
            Even with all of the unknowns, Cena agreed...but his night wasn’t over. For his rudeness towards the WWE Champion, Shane McMahon told Cena he was competing against Chris Masters, a fresh, well-rested Superstar coming off sabbatical.
            Cena never backs down from a challenge, and while nobody in WWE has ever broken the Master Lock, Cena was agile enough to avoid getting trapped in it. But Edge made certain that the Doctor of Thuganomics would pay in the match; as Cena locked in the STFU, and it looked like Chris Masters was going to submit, the Rated R Superstar stormed down the ramp from the locker room area and smashed Cena with a chair, a ladder and a launched him through a table. Cena laid buried in rubble, dazed from being blindsided, and Edge announced his stipulation:
            “I decided where the match is going to take place. It’s going to be at Unforgiven, in my hometown of Toronto, Canada. And I’ve decided what match it’s go into be. A match you’ve never had. A match I’ve never lost. It’s going to be tables, ladders and chairs,” said Edge.
            Cena may have gotten the win over Masters by disqualification, but he didn’t look like he won anything by the condition he was left in. With his back against the wall, the challenger will scratch and claw to remain on RAW and reclaim the WWE Championship. But one has to wonder, has Cena bitten off more than he can chew by giving the champion the power to make a match in Edge’s hometown—and a match that Cena has never competed in?
            There were no other Unforgiven matches set on RAW, but there was the news that after Unforgiven Trish Stratus would be leaving WWE. It was shocking to WWE fans and Superstars — especially Carlito. After receiving a WWE Mobile Alert about Lita posting a story on WWE.com that disclosed Trish's plans to leave the company after the pay-per-view event that takes place in her hometown, the quintessential Diva was visibly flustered and stammering for a way to explain it to Carlito.
            “That is something that Lita would do. She’d take my personal business and…” but  before she could finish her sentence Carlito told her that he only wanted to give her a proper goodbye. When he leaned in to show his affection, Randy Orton broke up their romantic moment by slamming them both into the wall.
            Last week on RAW, Carlito interrupted Orton during his match with Ric Flair, and Orton got payback by ruining what will be one of Carlito and Trish's last few times together. But it would be Carlito that would get the last laugh of the night.
            Perhaps if the Legend Killer were more focused on his No. 1 Contender’s Match against Jeff Hardy, he would be gearing up for the opportunity to become a two-time Intercontinental Champion. Fortunately for Hardy, who is riding the momentum of a successful return to WWE, he was able to stay ahead of Orton and gain a pinfall via the Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb after Carlito came to the ring, spit apple in Orton’s face and indirectly cost the Legend Killer the match.
            The Women’s Champion Lita wasn’t just ruining Trish’s night. She was also shattering former Women’s Champion Mickie James’ dreams of reclaiming the championship. Mickie gave everything she had and was relentless in her attack…but it wasn’t enough. In the end, Lita used the ropes to hold Mickie down to retain the Women’s Championship.
            The team of “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Eugene nearly defeated Mikey and Kenny of the World Tag Team Champion Spirit Squad in their championship match. With Robbie and Rory McAlister of the Highlanders doing commentary at ringside, the Squad members who weren’t competing couldn’t stop themselves from getting tangled with the Highlanders. That got Robbie, Rory and two of the five members of the Squad ejected from ringside. The one Spirit Squad member that remained, Mitch, was the deciding factor in the match, and Mikey and Kenny scored the victory to remain the World Tag Team Champions.
            After the Squad took care of Duggan and Eugene, the undefeated Umaga came out and finished them off as a message to Kane. Armando Alejandro Estrada warned the “Big Red Dummy” that “the only monster in WWE…is the undefeated Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga.” Kane was injured at the hands of Umaga last week on RAW, and suffered internal bleeding from their encounter. Has Umaga done what no other Superstar was able to do to Kane since he joined WWE? Has the Samoan Bulldozer destroyed the Big Red Monster?
            RAW Divas Candice Michelle and Torrie Wilson were in action in a first-ever Back to Schoolgirl Paddle on a Pole Match. Torrie was in the traditional plaid skirt and matching top, while Candice was in less traditional — yet visibly pleasing — schoolgirl attire. After tumbling around the ring, Torrie gained control of the match, but when she delivered her signature Facial, Candice countered by biting Torrie’s voluptuous posterior. After winning the match, Candice was a good sport and when she revealed her panties that read “Spank Me,” she handed Torrie the paddle and the two Divas took turns spanking each other.
            Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro didn’t take the night off. Last week, after Melina double crossed Mick Foley and delivered the news that he was fired – with the WWE Chairman and Shane McMahon smirking close by – they used RAW as their podium to insult Foley even more. The dashing Hollywood couple tore into the Hardcore Legend.
            “He’s such a disgusting creep,” Melina said. “I would never leave Johnny Nitro for a one-eared, smelly Muppet like Mick Foley.”
            Although Foley was fired from WWE, will he just sit back and take the abuse from two people he considered his friends?
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