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Engaging With the “Dark Side”

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    Engaging With the Dark Side Avigail Barbanel http://www.avigailabarbanel.me.uk/dark_side.html Dedicated with love to the staff and students at the Social
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 4, 2009
      Engaging With the "Dark Side"
      Avigail Barbanel

      Dedicated with love to the staff and students at the Social Ecology
      Department, University of Western Sydney, Hawkesbury and to activists
      everywhere. March 2001

      At a recent Social Ecology Research Group meeting, we were shown some
      statistics about the severely run down state of our planet and of
      humanity. Several students admitted to feeling overwhelmed and
      depressed. I believe that such feelings, in the face of the hard
      facts of our current global reality, are not the sole domain of
      Social Ecology students. I suspect that many have a similar
      experience when confronted with the latest human or ecological
      catastrophe in the mass media. Late last year James Nachtwey, who
      calls himself an anti-war photographer, appeared on the Oprah show,
      where he was interviewed about his book Inferno. This work is a
      collection of photographs "disclosing some of today's harshest
      examples of man's inhumanity to his fellow man." From "...Somalia's
      famine to genocide in Rwanda, from Romania's abandoned orphans to the
      lives of India's 'untouchables', from war in Bosnia to conflict in
      Chechnya."[1] When asked what the 'ordinary'[2] individual can do in
      response to his photos, Nachtwey paused for a long moment and then
      said, "when confronted with images of pain and suffering, don't shut
      down or turn away. Stay engaged. Force yourself to be moved by what
      you are seeing...Keep it alive emotionally within yourself"[3]

      Nachtwey is right that we must not shut down in the face of
      suffering. Feeling something about what we see is the first condition
      towards making a difference. However, there are serious dangers in
      exposing ourselves to suffering and pain. This is particularly true
      for those of us who are agents of change; people whose life's work is
      aimed at making things better for various social groups, the
      environment and individuals. By the nature of the work we do, we
      receive a disproportionate dose of the 'dark matter' of life. One of
      the worst dangers in being exposed to a high dose of 'dark matter' is
      to become overwhelmed and disillusioned. I think of it as being
      tempted by the 'dark side'. The temptation is to begin to believe
      that darkness is all there is.

      Some call this condition burnout, others call it secondary
      traumatisation, still others might focus on chronic fatigue or other
      physical symptoms. In burnout we temporarily lose our ability to feel
      hope and see the beauty that is also in the world and in humanity. I
      believe that when we are confronted with a reality that looks like it
      is all darkness, our soul experiences a great sense of danger. Our
      soul feels so threatened that our natural instinct is to protect
      ourselves from that darkness. I also believe that darkness in the
      outside world triggers our own internal darkness. Our internal
      darkness, or shadow, contains everything that we prefer not to touch
      within ourselves. For many people it contains a good deal of pain and


      One of the ways that we can respond to the external and internal
      threat is by withdrawing emotionally and/or physically. This is what
      people do when they close Nachtwey's book. When I was still living in
      Israel there was a long period of time when I stopped watching the
      news and reading the newspapers. I just couldn't handle the endless
      barrage of bad news. Even now, I still find it hard to read the daily
      newspapers and have a tendency to avoid them. My own avoidance did
      not stop me from criticising others for theirs. I openly accused
      friends and family of avoiding reality and of not caring.

      My experience as a therapist in the last few years has been very
      humbling. It taught me to be much more compassionate, with myself and
      everyone else. Although I consider avoidance a serious problem, I can
      now understand, rather than judge, the tendency to avoid the dark
      side of life. Before I say anything else about avoidance, I would
      like to suggest that we adopt an attitude of compassion and
      forgiveness in the face of avoidance. We need to understand that the
      degree of avoidance is an indication of the depth of pain that is
      within us.

      One common way of avoiding the 'dark side' can be to develop a strong
      desire to 'do something'. It is as if we try to fix the situation so
      that the 'bad' thing will go away and not hurt us anymore. Under such
      circumstances we operate out of our own need (to feel safe) rather
      than in response to the need of those whom we are trying to help. I
      know that I am no longer effective as a therapist when I find myself
      offering solutions or explanations or teaching my clients, as a
      substitute for true engagement. At such times I almost always
      discover that I am avoiding discomfort; protecting myself from having
      to engage with pain. Some forms of activism can fall under this

      Notwithstanding the enormous value of spiritual practices (in which I
      too engage), it is possible to practice them selectively so that the
      practice itself is a way of avoiding contact with pain. It is as if
      we are trying to get a shortcut to bliss and well-being while
      bypassing the darkness in the world and within ourselves. Trying to
      look at life as 'all good'[4] is as unrealistic as seeing life as all
      suffering and pain. In Tibetan Buddhism, believers regularly
      contemplate their own death and suffering. Their aim is to expand
      their consciousness so that they can grasp the totality of life, as
      they believe Buddha was able to do. They believe that to avoid the
      dark side is simply to be out of touch with reality (The Dalai Lama,

      The dangers of engaging with darkness are obvious and our defences
      are understandable. However, our avoidance takes us further away from
      doing good and therefore contributes to the problems that we are
      trying to solve. How can we engage with the 'dark side' and not act
      on the threat that we experience?

      Seeing the bigger picture

      Some clients try very hard to convince me that the list of problems
      they bring to me defines all they are. This is understandable
      behaviour for a person who is in the midst of a crisis. My gift in
      therapy, I believe, lies in my ability to not be seduced by what I
      see, and to keep in mind that my client is bigger than his or her
      present crisis or 'issues'[5]. As a humanist, I simply refuse to
      believe that people are their problems. The client before me is a
      human being with infinite dimensions and facets, possibilities
      dreams, talents, stories, personal and cultural history, dignity and
      yes, also a lot of trouble, misery and woundedness.

      When my clients are in crisis they are unable to feel hope or see the
      light at the end of a dark tunnel. Because I can see the whole of the
      person, I am also able to be the custodian of hope and vision for my
      clients, until such time when they are capable of holding it for
      themselves. I do so without forgetting their problems, and I hold the
      hope only as long as necessary. As soon as my clients are ready, I
      pass it back to Them. Knowing when the right time is, depends on how
      well I stay with the client. If I try to pass it back too quickly, it
      might mean that I am avoiding the discomfort of the client's
      troubles! Seeing the client as a whole person also helps me maintain
      a balanced view of life.

      The same principle can be applied when we work with planetary
      problems. Even in the midst of despair and devastation, the human
      spirit is alive somewhere. For those of you who are working with
      groups of victims it is important not to forget the dignity of their
      unique wholeness. You must remember their strengths, their full
      spirit, and their desire for meaning. They are more than just
      victims. There is always dignity and spirit somewhere and we must be
      prepared to see it even in the midst of enormous suffering. If we
      cannot see the full humanity in victims or the dignity in a
      devastated piece of bush, I do not believe that we can truly make a
      difference. If we see only the problems we risk objectifying those
      whom we are trying to help. The world needs us to view it as more
      than just a bunch of problems to be fixed or eliminated.

      When are you more likely to suffer burnout?

      Our capacity to be tempted by the 'dark side' changes depending on
      our personal circumstances. Sometimes we can feel so positive and
      strong that we simply do not feel threatened. There are other times
      though, when we might be more vulnerable. So far I have learnt that I
      am more vulnerable to being drawn into the 'dark side'

      When I am physically unwell;

      When I am grieving; and

      When I have emotional 'unfinished business' of my own.

      When I am physically unwell and when I am grieving I need to be taken
      care of. My ability to be with people who are in need is naturally
      diminished. If I try to force myself to be with others in need when I
      am myself in need, I am likely to feel impatient, irritable, drained
      and resentful. When I am not conscious that I am in need, these
      feelings are a useful beacon to alert me. If I feel impatient with a
      client or if I am too eager to 'fix', I immediately suspect that
      something is going on for me.

      I believe that feeling overwhelmed is an overreaction. In the face of
      a traumatic story I might feel angry and sad. These feelings are
      appropriate. But if my emotional experience is overwhelming, when
      instead of anger I feel blind rage, or instead of sadness I
      experience overwhelming pain, despair or depression, these are signs
      that some of my own unfinished business is being triggered. One of my
      teachers once taught me a useful rule of thumb. If the emotional
      response to a situation feels overwhelming, then the issue is
      probably 90% in the past and only 10% in the present. Appropriate
      emotional responses, no matter how difficult they might be, are not
      experienced as overwhelming. The 'dark side' can only have a hold on
      us through our own shadow. Since we all have wounds, we are all at
      risk at some time or another.

      When are you more likely to be 'tempted'? I encourage you to reflect
      on your own life and try to identify the circumstances when you might
      be more vulnerable to burnout. Think about situations when you feel
      irritable, impatient, try to fix or change circumstances or people,
      or when you find yourself shutting down emotionally or withdrawing.
      Try to notice the difference between appropriate feelings and
      disproportionate, overwhelming ones. Reflect on the last time you
      experienced an overwhelming response. What do you think was being
      triggered within you at that time?

      Caring for our own well-being when we are vulnerable

      In order to avoid burnout we need to have enough self-awareness to
      know when we are likely to be vulnerable. The next step is to develop
      an awareness of our needs when we are vulnerable, and know how to
      meet them.

      Physical well-being

      When I am ill I need to rest and eat properly so that I can allow my
      body to heal. I might also need medical attention and a lot of TLC
      from someone close[6]. It is obvious that during illness I must not
      work. It is important to allow as much time as needed so that the
      body can truly heal and recover. If we do not, the illness might
      manifest itself in a lingering low-key drain on our energy,
      signalling unsustainable living.

      Grief and grieving

      Grief is a natural process of adjustment that follows any change in
      life. Even a positive and desirable change will be accompanied by
      grief. It is a process that helps us create a 'bridge' between the
      world as it was before the change, and the world as it is now. Grief
      can be accompanied by some physical symptoms and changes in appetite.
      It may also be accompanied by a temporary loss of excitement or
      interested in things that are otherwise central to us, and sometimes
      in temporary impairment of our short-term memory. People sometimes
      report feeling as if they have suddenly become stupid or having a
      sense that they are going crazy. In times of grief most people tend
      to focus more on the 'negative' side of life.

      Grief does not need a resolution or a cure. It is not an illness or a
      pathology but rather a natural process that simply needs to be
      experienced as much as possible without interruption. Un-grieved
      grief can make us ill, and in the long run it can develop into

      Grief is often misdiagnosed as depression by both professionals and
      the suffering individual. This is a serious problem because an
      otherwise natural and healthy process is being inappropriately and
      unnecessarily 'pathologised'. Although they may look similar from the
      outside, the difference between grief and depression is that grief is
      a dynamic process that has energy in it, and depression seems to be
      stagnant and lacking in energy.

      During grief we are likely to feel tired and therefore a lot of rest
      is needed. We might also need a lot of time and space to be able to
      reflect. We might need a shoulder to cry on, or someone we can talk
      to who does not need anything from us. During grief even strong
      extroverts become more introverted for a while. Grief is therefore an
      inappropriate time for activism of for being in a helping position.
      If grief is grieved properly, it will end and you will feel better.

      Unfinished business

      When unfinished business is triggered our work can be impaired. Our
      judgement might be coloured by a past context, and we might not be
      able to see things for what they are in the here-and-now. When you
      become aware that something unresolved has been triggered, different
      tasks may be required. You might need to see a therapist to work
      through it, or you might engage with the issue in other ways through
      art, a ceremony, writing letters, writing in a journal or any other
      strategy that you know works for you. If you are not sure,
      experimenting with different ways can help you discover what best
      works for you.

      Self-care as a way of life

      In the previous section I referred to well-being and self-care in
      relation to times when we are particularly vulnerable. However, it is
      important not to wait for a crisis but to develop an attitude of self-
      care as a way of life.

      A fundamental point about self-care is congruence. If you are a
      person whose life's work involves helping others have a better life,
      then it would not be congruent to not do the same for yourself. I
      sometimes come across therapists whose physical and emotional
      wellbeing suffers terrible neglect and I wonder how capable they are
      of really helping their clients. I feel uncomfortable when I meet
      doctors who are chain-smokers or appear stressed, overworked and
      exasperated. What message or example do they give to their patients
      about self-love and self-care? I believe that if our life is
      incongruent with our work, then ultimately both pay the price.

      There is a lot more to say on the subject of self-care. In what
      follows, I choose to focus on our work environment, the role of
      supervision, and the existential aspect of our work. In addition to
      these points I encourage you to reflect on what self-care means to
      you personally. Ask yourself what aspects in your life are already
      informed by an attitude of self-care, and what aspects are still
      lacking it? Also, what helps you or stops you when you try to care
      for yourself? Are your life and work congruent?

      Our work environment

      Jeffrey Kottler (2000) surprised me when he advised counsellors and
      others who do good, to just 'get on with it' if they work in
      organisations that are poisonous and uncaring. He says, "Mutter to
      yourself and feel resentful. But if you are truly serious about
      helping others, you will likely pay a small price in terms of
      environmental dysfunction. It is not usually that big of a deal...
      unless you make it so". I strongly disagree with Kottler. It almost
      sounds as if he 'blames the victim'. There is a growing body of
      research that shows a strong connection between dysfunctional work
      environments and anything from heart disease to depression.[7] The
      price is not small and it is not all about our perception.

      There is a world of possibilities between embarking on a crusade to
      change your organisation, and being a martyr or a hero. We are in a
      relationship with organisations and they have to care for us as much
      as we care for them. This means that when we are aware of a need and
      express it assertively, the organisation has an obligation to take us
      seriously and not simply ignore or dismiss it. No relationship can be
      healthy if the needs of one partner are always sacrificed for the
      sake of the other. Yet, I believe that this is what happens in many
      organisations, where the organisational needs almost always take
      precedence over the needs of individuals. There is no magic in size
      and big is not more important or worthy than small.

      Do you work for an organisation or group that is likely to understand
      your needs? Or are you working in a an environment where you are
      discouraged from having needs; where needing anything is considered a
      weakness; or where when things do not go so well for you, you risk
      becoming the 'enemy'? (I encourage you to ask the same questions
      about your home environment as well.)

      The role of supervision

      Most therapists, whether they work in private practice or in
      agencies, see a supervisor on a regular basis. A supervisor is
      usually an older, and more experienced therapist whose role is to be
      a mentor and an advisor. Good supervisors challenge, guide, educate,
      listen, reassure and validate. They are familiar with the work of the
      supervisee but they are not involved in it directly and so can remain
      objective. They are there partly to help therapists deal with what
      comes up for them in the course of their work, and help identify
      unfinished business.

      Supervision is seen as absolutely essential for the well-being of
      both therapists and their clients. This is so precisely because of
      the potentially disturbing nature of our work and the danger of
      burnout. Many people I know find informal sources of support in their
      work environment. Whilst this can be beneficial, it is also important
      that organisations provide their employees with formal, consistent
      and reliable supervision. There needs to be someone available with
      whom you can debrief and share your experiences. What kind of support
      is available to you in your work?

      The existential: our purpose and sense of worth

      People who are agents of change can spend a lifetime developing many
      aspects of themselves in a way that makes them best suited for the
      job. This is a big investment. Now, imagine that everything is fixed.
      Everything you worked for is now fine: no more famine, war or misery,
      and the environment is healthy. What will happen to you and your
      life? What will happen to your sense of purpose? Your identity? In my
      brochure I bravely write that "my job is to make myself redundant".
      But I often ask myself what would really happen to me in an ideal
      world, where everyone is healthy and there are no more clients? Who
      and what will I be? What about all the years and effort that I
      invested in developing and polishing my skills?

      The way things seem right now, it doesn't look like I would have to
      worry about running out of clients in my lifetime. However, I believe
      that in order to be a healthy human being I must think about how much
      of my identity is invested in my work. I believe that there can be
      danger to both ourselves and our cause, whatever it is, if too much
      is invested in it. If my whole sense of identity depends on what I
      do, then my work will be too intense, too 'precious', I will need it
      too much. This means that underneath the surface I might not want my
      clients to get better, and that every time a client is about to
      finish therapy, I might feel threatened. Perhaps without being aware
      I will even encourage clients to stay unwell. If this happens, it
      means that I have become part of the same system that created the
      client's problems in the first place. The same principles need to be
      applied to the relationship between activists and their cause.
      My way of addressing this concern is to make sure, as much as I can,
      that my identity, well-being and sense of worth do not come only from
      my work. Yes, I feel satisfaction and pride when my work goes well,
      but it is not the same as getting my sense of worth or identity from
      it. I practice being a human being as opposed to a human doing).

      In summary

      Anyone who is an agent of change and who works in an field where
      there is great need, trauma, suffering, injustice, physical,
      emotional and spiritual destruction is always potentially at risk of
      being drawn into the 'dark side'.

      The secret to being well is not in not having problems. It is in
      knowing ourselves and living our lives with self-care and self-
      compassion. We need to know our needs, have appropriate strategies in
      place to meet them, and the willingness to use them. In particular,
      we need to know when we are most at risk of burnout.

      Being well at all levels protects us from losing our balance and
      being sucked into the 'dark side'. If we are not well, we not only
      lose our effectiveness but we risk losing our excitement and joy in
      life, our sense of purpose, our ability to relate to others
      intimately and meaningfully, our physical health, and maybe even life

      We need to live congruently. The way we live our own lives needs to
      be aligned with the purpose of our work. If it is not, we risk
      becoming another casualty of the 'dark side'. Then, instead of doing
      good we can become unintending collaborators with the very system
      with which we disagree.

      In 1993 I attended a three week seminar on teaching the Holocaust and
      Antisemitism at 'Yad Vashem'[8] in Jerusalem (a research and memorial
      centre focusing on the Holocaust). During the seminar my colleagues
      and I were exposed to horrific material for 8 hours every day. It was
      a very disturbing time for all of us. Close to the end of the three
      weeks Israel Charney, a compassionate man, a psychologist and a
      Genocide scholar said to us something which at the time seemed
      strange and out of place, even inappropriate. But I think that I now
      understand his message. I leave you with his words:

      Do not forget to live a full life, eat well, enjoy life and
      relationships, make love'.

      The Dalai Lama. (1997). The way to freedom. London: Thorsons.

      Kottler, J. (2000). Doing good; Passion and commitment for helping
      others. Philadelphia: Brunner-Routledge


      I do not believe that ordinary people exist. I used this term as a
      way of referring to people whose work does not normally involve
      engaging with planetary and societal problems.

      See: http://oprah.oxygen.com/tows/pastshows/tows_past_20000710_d.html

      People who use spirituality as an escape from pain seem to imply that
      spirituality has something to do with an all 'positive' or perfect
      reality. I believe that true spirituality has more to do with what
      is, with all there is, the 'good' and the 'bad', 'light'
      and 'shadow', the joyful and the painful.

      I have considered the possibility that being able to see my clients
      full potential comes relatively easily to me because I am a strong
      Perceiver on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). If you are not
      naturally a strong P, what can you do to develop your ability to see
      beyond what is presented to you?

      Many do not have someone close who can take care of them, and during
      illness they might feel disappointed, lonely or sad about this. If
      your need cannot be met, at least make sure that you allow yourself
      to feel your feelings about this fully without judging them, avoiding
      them, numbing them or trying to fix them. It is not so much our life
      events that hurt us. It is the lack of both internal and external
      permission to have and feel our feelings, that is more likely to
      wound us.

      See for example the work of Robert Karasek:

      Yad Vashem is an organisation that was set up for the purpose of
      study, research and remembrance of the Holocaust. Interestingly, to
      the best of my knowledge, there is nothing in Yad Vashem's agenda
      that addresses the need for healing.



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