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RE: [wraithbeta] Re: first fanfic

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  • maria hernandez
    im grateful that somebody has answered me. your help will be very valuable to me. i wrote my first fanfic 2 weeks ago and supposely posted on fanfiction site,
    Message 1 of 5 , Apr 24 11:34 AM
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      im grateful that somebody has answered me. your help will be very valuable to me. i wrote my first fanfic 2 weeks ago and supposely posted on fanfiction site, though i couldnt find it which means-i believe-they didnt post it. i could have written and posted in spanish but i see nobody actually read them, so as youre gonna help me, im gonna send the first chapter of my story, so you can check whats wrong.
      Diana.
      Chapter 1: wraith diplomacy.
      WRAITH HIVE SHIP, QUEEN΄S CHAMBER.
      Three wraith queens are standing on a dais.the first queen has long white hair and pale skin. The second one has long white hair ,too, but her skin is green. The third one has dark hair and pale skin. All of them are showing their big teeth and are dressed up in black.
      The door opens and a fourth wraith queen comes in the dark room.she has long brown hair and brown skin, she΄s dressed up in white. She stands in front of the other three wraith queens.
      The fourth queen speaks to the alliance queens.
      -I have come to your presence in order to request being a member of this great alliance.
      -1st queen: what makes you believe we΄re going to accept...your request.
      -4th queen: as more allies you have, greater will be the strength of your alliance and more will be the battles won.
      -2nd queen: your suggesting that we need you.
      -4th queen: I΄m suggesting my resources would be of great value for this alliance. You΄re figthing against other alliance that rivals your power, but my contribution would make a different against them.
      The three allied queens remain in silent for a moment, gazing at each other and hissing. Then break the silence.
      -3rd queen: in a few days we΄re going to engage in battle with another alliance in order to acquire a new feeding ground, so... your contribution could be of help to us.
      -1st queen: as regards your request, we have agreed in letting you be a member of our alliance...if you engage in the next battle.
      -4th queen: we have a deal.
      -3rd queen: we will inform you when we΄re going to attack, so you may join us in the battle and your participation in this alliance will be confirmed.
      The 4th queen hisses, shrugging at their gaze.
      2nd queen: you may leave now.
      The 4th queen turns away and heads out the room.the door closing behind her.
      -1st queen: her contribution in the acquiring of this new feeding ground may be favourable.
      -3rd queen: it will give us a great advantage against the other alliance
      -2nd queen: though, she will not join us in the culling. We can barely sustain our three hives.., then another one is unacceptable.
      -3rd queen: she will help us destroy the other alliance.
      -1st queen: then...we destroy her.
      TO BE CONTINUED.
       

      aylamonic_m_mckay <kibou_sueshijuu@...> escribió:
      Hey,

      I can help you if you'd like, I'm very good at grammar and spelling. I
      speak a little bit of spanish myself, so maybe that might help, though
      maybe it doesn't matter.

      :)

      Kibou

      --- In wraithbeta@yahoogro ups.com, "fan_hp_21" <fan_hp_21@. ..> wrote:
      >
      > i speak spanish, though my english is not bad, but is not perfect. so i
      > tried to upload a fanfic but theytell me it can be post because i got
      > some problems, maybe you can help me with my errors, and does someone
      > knows a web that uploads fanfics in spanish
      >




      LLama Gratis a cualquier PC del Mundo.
      Llamadas a fijos y móviles desde 1 céntimo por minuto.
      http://es.voice.yahoo.com

    • aylamonic_m_mckay
      Hey, On a first glance over, depending on where you submitted it to, the biggest problem may be that it seems to be in script format rather than in story
      Message 2 of 5 , Apr 25 9:27 AM
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        Hey,

        On a first glance over, depending on where you submitted it to, the
        biggest problem may be that it seems to be in script format rather
        than in story format. Besides that there are a few grammar things that
        I noticed. I can pinpoint them in a word document and e-mail it to
        you, if you'd like?

        Kibou

        --- In wraithbeta@yahoogroups.com, maria hernandez <fan_hp_21@...> wrote:
        >
        > im grateful that somebody has answered me. your help will be very
        valuable to me. i wrote my first fanfic 2 weeks ago and supposely
        posted on fanfiction site, though i couldnt find it which means-i
        believe-they didnt post it. i could have written and posted in spanish
        but i see nobody actually read them, so as youre gonna help me, im
        gonna send the first chapter of my story, so you can check whats wrong.
        <<<cut for length>>>
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