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Beta Request Gen Challenge response. G

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  • kyaol
    I would like somebody to proofread, let me know if I ve made any glaring errors in time line, characterization etc. I am looking for any and all constructive
    Message 1 of 3 , Apr 16 6:37 PM
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      I would like somebody to proofread, let me know if I've made any
      glaring errors in time line, characterization etc. I am looking for
      any and all constructive criticism including this line is too short
      fix it.

      The Challenge was posted on artword
      http://community.livejournal.com/artword/
      'Write a story or create an artwork based on 'Wooden Horse (Caspar
      Hauser's Song)'


      Wooden Horse (Caspar Hauser's Song)

      I came out of the darkness
      Holding one thing
      A small white wooden horse
      I'd been holding inside

      There's a photograph in Sheppard's childhood room. It's of a small
      dark haired boy waving a toy aeroplane while an older man in uniform
      holds him and smiles for the boy in his arms and the woman taking
      the picture. That photograph has been face down for a long time.

      And when I'm dead
      If you could tell them this
      That what was wood became alive
      What was wood became alive

      Sheppard doesn't think of Earth when he flies towards the Wraith
      ship, doesn't let himself think of the things he will never see
      again, but he does let himself sink deeper into the controls of the
      Puddlejumper feeling her become more alive beneath him, more
      responsive and feels her correct direction minutely wanting to
      destroy the wraith just as much as he does. And if he did let
      himself think of Earth, think of what he would show his father it
      would be this: the ships that come alive beneath his hands, the city
      who comes alive beneath his hands. His 'home' and that it loves
      him.

      And in the night the walls disappeared
      In the day they returned
      "I want to be a rider like my father"
      Were the only words I could say

      When Sheppard finally collapses in his room it's three days later
      and the adrenaline has worn off it not the heady escaped against all
      odd *again* feeling. He lays there watching the colors flow through
      the pipes in his room and recalculates odds and losses and mentally
      writes reports and pokes at just how close it all was and makes new
      contingency plans for if it happens again, better plans until
      Atlantis's beating heart whispers softly and lulls him to sleep.

      And when I'm dead
      If you could tell them this
      That what was wood became alive
      What was wood became alive

      He dreams of showing his father a cricket bathed in Atlantis's glow,
      wanting to show his father the wings hidden beneath. He tries and
      tries and when his father finally glances over the cricket has
      become black and still the wings hidden forever and Sheppard wakes
      to his father's disappointment and the bitter taste of having lost
      something beyond value.

      Alive
      And I fell under
      A moving piece of sun
      Freedom

      One month later a letter arrives from the Daedalus it sits unopened
      on Sheppard's desk. It's Rodney, six days later, who snatches it out
      of Sheppard's hand and tears it open. A photograph of a small dark
      haired boy waving an aeroplane falls to the ground.

      I came out of the darkness
      Holding one thing
      I know I have this power
      I'm afraid I may be killed

      The email Sheppard writes back is the longest he's ever written and
      he doubts his father will see half of it, but his father will
      understand. He keeps the photograph and the Atlantis made frame hums
      happily around it.

      And when I'm dead
      If you could tell them this
      That what was wood became alive
      What was wood became alive

      Alive
    • Kat Ellis
      I liked this. Poignant. I think that you ve got the charater or Sheppard pretty well - there are hidden depths there and no-one really knows what is behind
      Message 2 of 3 , Apr 18 1:24 AM
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        I liked this.  Poignant.  I think that you've got the charater or Sheppard pretty well - there are hidden depths there and no-one really knows what is behind the facade.  I've made some comments.  Hope they are useful.
         
        Kat.

        kyaol <clair159@...> wrote:
        I would like somebody to proofread, let me know if I've made any
        glaring errors in time line, characterization etc. I am looking for
        any and all constructive criticism including this line is too short
        fix it.

        The Challenge was posted on artword
        http://community.livejournal.com/artword/
        'Write a story or create an artwork based on 'Wooden Horse (Caspar
        Hauser's Song)'


        Wooden Horse (Caspar Hauser's Song)

        I came out of the darkness
        Holding one thing
        A small white wooden horse
        I'd been holding inside

        There's a photograph in Sheppard's childhood room. It's of a small
        dark haired boy waving a toy aeroplane while an older man in uniform
        holds him and smiles for the boy in his arms and the woman taking
        the picture. That photograph has been face down for a long time.

        And when I'm dead
        If you could tell them this
        That what was wood became alive
        What was wood became alive

        Sheppard doesn't think of Earth when he flies towards the Wraith
        ship, doesn't let himself think of the things he will never see
        again, but he does let himself sink deeper into the controls of the
        Puddlejumper feeling her become more alive beneath him, more
        responsive and feels her correct direction minutely wanting to
        destroy the wraith just as much as he does. And if he did let
        himself think of Earth, think of what he would show his father it
        would be this: the ships that come alive beneath his hands, the city
        who comes alive beneath his hands. His 'home' and that it loves
        him. 

        And in the night the walls disappeared
        In the day they returned
        "I want to be a rider like my father"
        Were the only words I could say

        When Sheppard finally collapses in his room it's three days later
        and the adrenaline has worn off  but not the heady escaped against all
        odd *again* feeling. He lies there watching the colors flow through
        the pipes in his room and recalculates odds and losses and mentally
        writes reports and pokes (not too sure whether "pokes" really works.  What about marvels / assesses / realises but if you use realises then the "at" has to go) at just how close it all was and makes new
        contingency plans for if it happens again, better plans until
        Atlantis's beating heart whispers softly and lulls him to sleep.

        And when I'm dead
        If you could tell them this
        That what was wood became alive
        What was wood became alive

        He dreams of showing his father a cricket bathed in Atlantis's glow,
        wanting to show his father the wings hidden beneath. He tries and
        tries and when his father finally glances over the cricket has
        become black and still the wings hidden forever and Sheppard wakes
        to his father's disappointment and the bitter taste of having lost
        something beyond value. 

        Alive
        And I fell under
        A moving piece of sun
        Freedom

        One month later a letter arrives from the Daedalus it sits unopened
        on Sheppard's desk. It's Rodney, six days later, who snatches it out
        of Sheppard's hand and tears it open. A photograph of a small dark
        haired boy waving an aeroplane falls to the ground.

        I came out of the darkness
        Holding one thing
        I know I have this power
        I'm afraid I may be killed

        The email Sheppard writes back is the longest he's ever written and
        he doubts his father will see half of it, but his father will
        understand. He keeps the photograph and the Atlantis made (I'm a bit confused here - is the Atalantis main-frame or the Atlantis-made frame) frame hums
        happily around it.  

        And when I'm dead
        If you could tell them this
        That what was wood became alive
        What was wood became alive

        Alive





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      • kyaol
        Dear Kat, Thankyou so much :) It s the first story I ve written in a long time. Atlantis is just so sparkly. . . I ve intergrated the changes and made some of
        Message 3 of 3 , Apr 18 1:58 AM
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          Dear Kat,
          Thankyou so much :) It's the first story I've written in a long
          time. Atlantis is just so sparkly. . . I've intergrated the changes
          and made some of my own if you would like to see the updated version.
          Kyaol

          --- In wraithbeta@yahoogroups.com, Kat Ellis <zzkat_ellis@...> wrote:
          >
          > I liked this. Poignant. I think that you've got the charater or
          Sheppard pretty well - there are hidden depths there and no-one really
          knows what is behind the facade. I've made some comments. Hope they
          are useful.
          >
          > Kat.
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