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Classics from Saturday Night Live News Anchor, Norm McDonald...

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  • Raymond R. Wise
    Message 1 of 1 , May 2, 1999
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      >1.) In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau
      >pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student....LeTourneau has
      >been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, the greatest
      >teacher of all time.
      >
      >2.) David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in unabomber defendant Ted
      >Kaczynski, said he plans to share the $1million reward with the bombing
      >survivors. He said roughly $400,000 will go to the bombing the victims. The
      >other $600,000, he will blow on whores and cocaine.
      >
      >3.) In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to
      >take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other
      >cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory-women can't
      >drive.
      >
      >4.) This week, after months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres
      >admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru
      >Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
      >
      >5.) Reports say that Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with the pop
      >star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon,
      >Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to lose his looks.
      >
      >6.) Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips, says that her talk show will
      >be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her guests with
      >respect and dignity. And then she will eat them.
      >
      >7.) Kenny G released his Christmas album this week. Happy Birthday,
      >Jesus... hope you like crap!
      >
      >8.) The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the
      >blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER.
      >
      >9.) Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant
      >Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has
      >asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day.
      >Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke
      >just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun.
      >
      >10.) Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently. He now
      >leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up...killing three people at
      >once.
      >
      > *** Beautiful****
      >12.) Who are safer drivers? Men, or women?
      >Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most
      >responsible for minor fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal
      >crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up
      >to 100% because the math was done by a woman.
      >[Crowd groans.]
      >For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that joke was
      >written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you?
      >[Laughter]
      >Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women.
      >
      >13.) In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for
      >telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed
      >and extremely fat.
      >
      >14.) The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people
      >quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack.
      >
      >15.) Magic Johnson has received a $900,000 retainer to write a book on how
      >not to get AIDS. Chapter 1: Don't have sex with me.
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