Classics from Saturday Night Live News Anchor, Norm McDonald...
>1.) In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau
>pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student....LeTourneau has
>been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, the greatest
>teacher of all time.
>2.) David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in unabomber defendant Ted
>Kaczynski, said he plans to share the $1million reward with the bombing
>survivors. He said roughly $400,000 will go to the bombing the victims. The
>other $600,000, he will blow on whores and cocaine.
>3.) In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to
>take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other
>cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory-women can't
>4.) This week, after months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres
>admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru
>Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
>5.) Reports say that Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with the pop
>star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon,
>Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to lose his looks.
>6.) Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips, says that her talk show will
>be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her guests with
>respect and dignity. And then she will eat them.
>7.) Kenny G released his Christmas album this week. Happy Birthday,
>Jesus... hope you like crap!
>8.) The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the
>blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER.
>9.) Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant
>Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has
>asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day.
>Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke
>just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun.
>10.) Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently. He now
>leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up...killing three people at
> *** Beautiful****
>12.) Who are safer drivers? Men, or women?
>Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most
>responsible for minor fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal
>crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up
>to 100% because the math was done by a woman.
>For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that joke was
>written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you?
>Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women.
>13.) In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for
>telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed
>and extremely fat.
>14.) The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people
>quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack.
>15.) Magic Johnson has received a $900,000 retainer to write a book on how
>not to get AIDS. Chapter 1: Don't have sex with me.