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FW: Managerial morons

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  • Raymond R. Wise
    Message 1 of 1 , May 2, 1999
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      >>>MANAGERIAL MORONS
      >>>
      >>>If you are looking for real-life Dilbert-type managers
      >>>read on...
      >>>
      >>>1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to
      >>>access the building using individual security cards.
      >>>Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will
      >>>receive their cards in two weeks. (This was from Fred
      >>>Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Wa.)

      >>>2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
      >>>we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

      >>>3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our
      >>>stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)

      >>>4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
      >>>data. It should be used only for company business.
      >>>(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

      >>>5. This project is so important, we can't let things
      >>>that are more important interfere with it.
      >>>(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

      >>>6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
      >>>schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem
      >>>in one day! We've been working on it for months.
      >>>Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you
      >>>know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
      >>>Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

      >>>7. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page
      >>>proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the
      >>>disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.
      >>>The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
      >>>Computers)

      >>>8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people
      >>>doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix
      >>>Corporation)

      >>>9. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and
      >>>her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
      >>>my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to
      >>>miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
      >>>then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
      >>>He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
      >>>executive, FTD Florists)

      >>>10. "We know that communication is a problem, but
      >>>the company is not going to discuss it with the
      >>>employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lone Lines
      >>>Division)

      >>>11. We recently received a memo from senior management
      >>>saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be
      >>>issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
      >>>(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

      >>>12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status
      >>>report to him concerning a project I was working on.
      >>>I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said
      >>>"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
      >>>tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager,
      >>>Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

      >>>13. Speaking the Same Language: As director of
      >>>communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
      >>>our company's training programs and materials. In the
      >>>body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
      >>>"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training
      >>>manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
      >>>executive committee, I was called into the HR director's
      >>>office, and told that the executive vice president
      >>>wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked
      >>>why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
      >>>working in her company. Finally he showed me her
      >>>copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and
      >>>the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager
      >>>was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word
      >>>up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the
      >>>definition to send back to her, he told me not to
      >>>worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a
      >>>memo to the entire staff came out - directing us
      >>>that no words which could not be found in the local
      >>>Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
      >>>A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
      >>>policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words
      >>>together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

      >>>14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a
      >>>nationally-circulated memo from a large communications
      >>>company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to
      >>>promote constant attention on current procedures of
      >>>transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative
      >>>ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of
      >>>quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
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