Canadian Defence Department
Scientists On Alien Alert
From Stig Agermose <stig.agermose@...
Two Defence Department scientists are urging Jean Chretien to help avert an
alien invasion prompted by unregulated message traffic sent into space by
Yvan Dutil and Stephane Dumas, who work as astrophysicists at the Defence
Research Establishment in Valcartier, Que., have written the prime minister
to ask him to regulate communications with extraterrestrials.
The two scientists, who are themselves attempting to contact
extraterrestrial life, are concerned that inexperienced UFO fanatics could
inadvertently invite an alien invasion.
"Sooner or later, messages carelessly designed might put Earth at risk,"
they wrote in an e-mail sent to Mr. Chretien and Art Hanger, the Reform
party Defence critic. "For example, UFO cultists could send a message
through space asking extraterrestrials to come and rule Earth."
Contacted yesterday at the Valcartier research establishment, Mr. Dutil
said he and his colleague believe it is time the federal government got
involved in regulating extraterrestrial communications.
"The main proposal is if you want to send something in space, the message
should have to be checked out," he said. "It is not stupid to do this since
[these communications] may imply danger so you have to be careful. It is
like playing with dynamite."
Mr. Dutil stressed that the Defence Department is not involved in his and
Mr. Dumas' plans to communicate with extraterrestrials.
Peter Donolo, the prime minister's usually voluble communications director,
was almost speechless when told of the request of the government scientists
to regulate "amateur" message traffic.
"Come on, this is insane," he blurted out and then added: "We are not aware
that fraternizing with aliens from outer space is a problem."
Mr. Hanger said he just cannot believe the Defence Department has allowed
the two scientists to "play around with these kinds of fantasies.
"I don't know if they have talked to any moon people lately but it is
obvious they are living in a fantasy world," said Mr. Hanger, who wondered
"if they are going to converse in both of Canada's official languages."
Mr. Dutil said he and Mr. Dumas are involved in a project called Encounter
2001 where they hope to communicate with extraterrestrial civilizations
using a transmitter in the Ukraine that is 100,000 times stronger than an
Mr. Dutil said he and his partner's interest in the project is "purely
scientific" and they got involved because they wanted to limit the risks to
Earth by establishing proper communications and rules in dealing with
"There is a concern, for example, you have a religious group that believes
in extraterrestrials as God and they want to call God to come here and who
knows what might happen? If there is advanced civilization in space and
they receive this kind of message they may come here and still play God,"
Chan Tysor, president of Houston-based Celelstis Inc, a company that sends
cremated remains into space, told the National Post yesterday that he is
participating in the Encounter 2001 project with the two Canadian
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By Gary Dunford
YO, MORK! Like you, I often find myself outdoors late at night, shouting at
the stars. "Take me now!" I cry at the heavens. "Fly me to a distant
galaxy! Better yet, take my editors! I have a list!"
But Scout's honour: I have never asked the aliens -- those creepy cosmic
visitors -- to conquer mankind and rule over us like ants. Not once.
That's why it's upsetting to see two Canadian astrophysicists writing the
prime minister, demanding he regulate communication with extraterrestrials.
The defence department scientists want to cut the rest of us out of the
loop -- they plan to communicate with UFOs and galactic civilizations
themselves. Ordinary Canadians dabbling in UFO contacts might invite alien
invasion, they claim.
"If you want to send something into space, the message should have to be
checked out," Yvan Dutil e-mailed the PM. "Messages carelessly designed
might put Earth at risk ... so you have to be careful. It is like playing
Have we not all seen The Thing? Alien? Men in Black? Do they think we are
fools? Once again, science underestimates the common man. Let Ottawa set
rules for alien contact? Hah! To heck with routing amateur spaceman
messages thru the already-over-worked PMO. Better it be Bill Nye, the
Science Guy. Must government-appointed censors scan all e-mail to
outerspace.com? Should civil service meddlers monitor what you do at
midnight with an old CB radio, duct tape and a Heathkit amp? I think not.
I have sent the aliens many messages. I do this at night by shouting at
stars or slow-moving objects overhead. These are largely one-way
conversations. A few communications I recall ...
- We have Viagra. Warn your women.
- No right turn on red. Unless car behind you honks.
- You almost killed Cartman with that probe, you bastards.
- Dalton McGuinty: Ours or yours?
- Keep your damn sugar-and-lard pellets! We have delicious Skittles!
- Bring me a space monkey, Mork!
- I'm drunk as a skunk and can kick your alien butt.
The last I yell flat on my back, usually on the porch at somebody's cottage
in August. If you put a blanket over me, I stop.
Frankly, Jean Chretien's office is the last place I would go, seeking a ban
on amateur space contact. Have scientists forgotten the PM's late-night
encounters with the homeless man on the park bench? Why has no one ever
been able to find that person? How could that poor soul vanish not just
from Ottawa, but from Earth? I have my suspicions. And two words familiar
to any viewer of Space, the Imagination Station: Mind meld. When did
Chretien start acting funny? Wasn't it right after those homeless bench
summits? Didn't space baddies once use pepper spray on Alien Nation? How
can Chretien lead the Liberals in another election? Has he stopped aging?
It's all coming together now.
"UFO cultists could send a message thru space asking extraterrestrials to
come and rule earth," the defence department scientists e-mailed the PM.
They plan a super-powered radio transmitter to communicate with distant
galaxies. I urge them to call it CISS-FM and play nothing but Shania and
the Dixie Chicks. If you build it, they will come.
Any Canadian's real fear should be that the prime minister will assign
Alien Communication Issues to the CRTC. We're talkin' years of
cross-country hearings, endless press releases from Ian Morrison and the
Friends of Interstellar Broadcasting. And in the end, you know it'll wind
up you have to buy MeTV plus a Propaganda Tier from Rogers Cable to so much
as shout at Mars. Yell for free while you still can. Hey Martians! Probe
Sheila Copps will demand a complete ban on U.S. supermarket tabloids --
weekly UFO diaries of the damned and abducted. No more news of alien
contact. Customs will scoop smuggled copies of Weekly World News. We'll be
the backwater of the universe. Forbidden to talk to E.T. Zip your lips. Do
as you're told. Just like now.