Vice President Fined
- for Hunting Lawyers Out of Season
"It was just a misunderstanding" says Cheney.
February 17, 2006
Yet more shocking revelations came to light today regarding last
weekend's hunting 'accident' in Texas. Officials at the Texas State
Wildlife and Game Department revealed that Vice President Dick Cheny
violated established State hunting laws when he shot Mr. Harry
As Wildlife Ranger John Burton explained - "We got nothin' against
huntin' lawyers around here - hell, I've bagged a few myself. And Mr.
Huntington's age made him a prime candidate for herd-thinning: he's 78
and way past his prime. But Huntington is a TAX lawyer, and you ain't
allowed to take tax lawyers until May 1st."
In 1987, in an agreement reached with the Texas Bar Association, the
Wildlife & Game Dept. established a series of laws regulating the
of lawyers. "You have to understand," said the Chairman of the TBA, "if
we don't thin 'em out then they overpopulate their egosystem. Next thing
you know, there aren't enough cases to go around. Young lawyers starve,
or clog up the court-houses and television trying to drum up clients.
It just messes things up. But we also didn't want indiscriminant
so we got together with the Wildlife boys and set up a few rules."
These rules include the following:
1) Only lawyers above the age of 64 and personal-injury attorneys may be
taken, with a limit of two per hunter per year. Muzzle-loader hunters
allowed three, bow-hunters are restricted to four.
2) Only female lawyers above child-bearing age may be shot, even
3) Tax lawyer hunting season is the only time restriction, with the
season running from May 1st to December 12th.
"Of course, the usual standard hunting rules apply: no setting up
lawyer-stands within a 10-mile radius of a courthouse, no money-licks,
and no shooting 'em when they're seated," said Ranger Burton.
"We Texans are hunters, pure and simple - there's nothing like bagging a
year-old corporate merger attorney at 200 yards with a compound bow. But
have to have standards, and you have to play by the rules and give 'em a
The Vice President will more than likely receive a fine of $10,000, and
may even be required to perform a few hours of community service. "I
know that seems sorta harsh for just nailing a really old one with some
bird-shot, but me and a few others suspect that this was what we call a
'canned hunt' - the Vice President invited the lawyer along. It ain't
illegal per se, but a canned hunt is just plain wrong, and an insult to
all of us who hunt lawyer the proper way."
When asked for comment, White House Spokesman Scott McClelland
confirmed that "Vice President Cheney did indeed pull the trigger which
the primer which detonated, which caused a rapid formation of gas which
pushed the shell which sent the pellets flying in the general direction
of the lawyer. But he didn't know about that tax-lawyer loophole shit."